Week Six, Day Thirty-Seven - "The C-E-Yo's (a rap song)"

(This is Tuesday's piece. I posted it after midnight.)

The C-E-Yo’s (a rap song)
Written by Joe Janes
2/24/09
37 of 365

CAST:
Holmes, 50s
Yo-Yo, 50s
Senator, 60s

(Lights up on two businessmen begging for money on a street corner. At their feet is a champagne bucket for catching change. Holmes holds a sign that says “Need Money for Gas for Jet.” Yo-Yo holds a sign that says “Will Relinquish Bonuses For Expense Acc’t.”)

HOLMES

Man, Yo-Yo, ain’t nobody giving it up today.

YO-YO

Never thought I’d be out on the street like this, Holmes, begging for change (kicks bucket).

HOLMES

Man, it’s hard out here for a CEO.

YO-YO

People just don’t appreciate.

HOLMES

Just yesterday, we were CEOs of multi-billion dollar corporations.

YO-YO

You know what we are today?

HOLMES & YO-YO

We be the C-E-Yo’s!

(A fresh rap beat kicks in)

HOLMES

This economy is driving me crazy.

YO-YO

It means I have to work and I’m so lazy.

HOLMES

I’m making changes all over my damn life.

YO-YO

Staying married, can’t pay to divorce my wife.

HOLMES

My mistress expects diamonds or thinks I’m a bum.
Try to fool her with cubic zirconium.

YO-YO

Guess I’ll sell my private jet and fly first class.

HOLMES

I’ll fire my valet; have my wife dress my ass.

YO-YO

Send for my tailor, have him tighten my belt.

HOLMES

Never thought my golden parachute might melt.

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

YO-YO

Big parties with ice sculptures won’t be the same.

HOLMES

Less coke and hookers, Obama is to blame.

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Empty all your pockets (Can’t you see I’m crying)

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Sell some ammo and rockets (Iraq is buying)

YO-YO

I live in a mansion behind gated walls.
I need bucks or live in a box by the falls.

HOLMES (speaking)

Yo-Yo, it’s that bad?

YO-YO (speaking)

No, Holmes, that was for dramatic effect.

(Back to rapping)

Give me more moo-la or I’ll let some peeps go.

HOLMES

Kick his gardener on the street.

YO-YO

Hoeing with ho’s!

(They laugh and high five each other. A U.S. senator walks by and the rap goes on hold.)

YO-YO

Senator! Senator! C’mon, help us out.

HOLMES

Can’t you see we’ve fallen on tough times?

YO-YO

Tough times that aren’t our fault.

(The senator looks at them disapprovingly. They give him big puppy dog eyes. The senator sighs, pulls out his wallet, and drops a bill into the champagne bucket. He walks off. Holmes and Yo-Yo dive for the bill and bring it up together.)

HOLMES

A lousy billion-dollar bill! Cheapskate!

YO-YO

What are we supposed to do with a measly billion? Buy Starbucks?

(The rap kicks back in for a big finish.)

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

(They pose at the finish of the song. Blackout.)