Why McCain Won't Let Palin Step Down

There's a lot of rumblin's in Washington and across the country that McCain screwed up and needs to cut Palin loose. That won't happen. We have seen McCain reverse positions, sometimes in a day, on all kinds of issues. Most recently, the economy. The reason it's so confounding, is because he never acknowledges that he has changed his position. He just puts things into context for us - in his bitten-in-the-ass-wincing-grandfatherly way. He has never admitted he was wrong about anything and he will never admit that Palin was the wrong choice. His wrong choice.He'll stick to his choices do or die because, dammit, that's what a Maverick does. Apparently.

There's someone else who never admits he was wrong about anything and never shows remorse for his decisions. He's the guy who currently occupies the White House. He calls himself The Decider. Which he is. It's just that most of the decisions have been boneheaded and he refuses to make note of that.

And that's another reason why McCain and Bush will stay in Iraq until they have achieved victory. Otherwise, they'd have to admit they fucked up. 100,000 military and civilian casualties is a good decision and they intend to add more bones to the pile until the Iraqis finally get it through their thick skulls that we liberated them.

So, if you want McCain, you are stuck with Palin. The Maverick has decided.


SOMETHING ELSE THAT BUGS ME ABOUT AS MUCH

Kermit asks the musical question, "Why are there so many songs about rainbows?"

Well, there aren't, Kermit. Except for the one in which you sing that inquiry, I can't think of one damn other tune. Oh, sure, there's that other song you're thinking of that Judy Garland sings, but you know what? It's not about rainbows! It's about some place over the rainbow. The rainbow is just some colorful wall of Berlin. An obstacle to seeing trouble melt like lemon drops. There's an old country song called Rainbow Stew. Know what it's about? Stew!

So, there, Kermit. My friend. I suggest you change that lyric to "Why is this the only song about rainbows?"

Huzzah!


IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE

Friday night. 8pm. iO. Be there. See me. Touch me. Feel me.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Third grade teacher Donna Coulter of Kissimmee Charter Academy was recently fired for asking her students to do what?"

50% said "Tell their parents to vote Democrat"
- And to punch the hole in the vote card ALL THE WAY THROUGH!

25% said "Buy her artwork"
- It wouldn't have been bad, except she draws like a 30-year-old.

No one said "Wash her car"

25% got it right with "Give her massages"

According to WFTV in Orlando, in Donna Coulter's third grade class, each student had a job. It could be cleaning the room, organizing books or taking out the trash, but one task really upset parents."One of the jobs she was giving was to give her massages," said parent Stacey Vazquez. While school administrators did not want to go on camera, they did tell Eyewitness News that effective Tuesday Coulter no longer works there. They sent home a note to parents saying, "Due to unforeseen circumstance, Ms. Coulter will no longer be teaching your student in the third grade."

I think this is very short-sighted thinking on the parents and school administrator's part. This is Florida. Orlando, no less. These kids need to learn vocational skills early. The real estate market is crap right now. Jobs at the amusement parks are only for slave who can smile. Learn to give massages, and there's more work opportunity. And there's always a happy ending.

Hey, Look! I'm An Ad!

Fig liked the picture Tim Musho and I did so much, they are using it to promote their new photo studio. You can also see it in all its full-page glory in an ad in the next issue of CS magazine.

CHEDDAR MOON

Cheddar Moon, a ten-minute play I wrote last year, opens this week at Donny's Skybox as part of a collaborative production between Second City and Chicago Dramatists. I caught a runthrough last night. It features the brilliant Kristen Secrist as the lovely, yet bearded lunch lady Doreena, Ian Custer as her rebellious lost love Nick and the ever reliable and always hysterical Mike Johnson as wormy Principal Tate. Jason Fleece directs. This is my first time working with Jason, Kristen and Ian and they are doing a fantastic job nailing the melodramatic tone of the piece. And Mike is always a blast. There's an awesome fight scene using soup ladles and novelty pencils choreographed by Sarah Pitard that makes it worth the price of admission.

The show runs Saturday nights in October at 10:30pm.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Old Town Ale House in Chicago is stirring up some controversy. They recently hung an original painting of what?"

17% said "Cheney sodomizing Bush"
- And lined up behind Cheney is China, Wall Street, Saudi Arabia and Putin.

12% said "Biden in a KKK outfit"
- And he's sitting next FDR in one of his TV-side chats.

6% said "McCain and Obama soul kissing"
- This only exists in my imagination. My sweet, sweet, imagination.

65% got it right with "Palin naked"

According to The Chicago Tribune, Bruce Elliott has painted a nude portrait of Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and hung it above the Old Town Ale House, where it's now a prime attraction among his display of more than 200 celebrity portraits and other racy art.

I love the Ale House. Great jukebox - one of the best in the city - great divy atmosphere, one of the best places to celebrate or just chill after doing a show. Long live the Ale House!