Written by Joe Janes
9/13/09
238 of 365
Cast:
Gunther, 50s
Bryan, 20s
(Lights up on Gunther in his garage at a card table, smoking a cigar and, apparently, playing solitaire. Bryan shyly sticks his head in and then back out. He does this again. From off stage, we hear a confidence-building intake and expulsion of breath. Bryan enters.)
BRYAN
Excuse me…
GUNTHER (getting up)
Hello! (He startles Bryan and has to block him from running off) Welcome to Gunther Landor’s House o’ Healing.
BRYAN
This is a garage.
GUNTHER
Which is attached to the official house of healing, but like many an entrepreneur, I work out of my garage. Now, what can I do for you, today?
BRYAN
It’s Bryan, Mr. Landor.
GUNTHER
Bryan. Call me – Mr., Landor? I like that. Call me Mr. Landor. What brings you to the House o’ Healing?
BRYAN
I have a problem with- with- confidence. Especially around women.
GUNTHER
I find it hard to believe a strapping young man would have problems talking to women. But I can see where you might have an issue. You need to loosen up, Bryan. Women are like animals. They can smell fear. You need to feel the blood flowing through your veins like a mighty river. If you let me take you under my wing, I can make you a man.
BRYAN
How much?
GUNTHER
A really big man, Bryan. A really big man.
BRYAN
I meant, how much money?
GUNTHER
Cost? Are you talking about money? Who cares about money? It’s not about money, Bryan; it’s about your life. It’s about fulfilling the promise of manhood. Walking tall! Stamping your feet! Feeling your balls clang when you strut! Do you have a credit card?
(Bryan hands him a credit card, Gunther quickly zips it through a machine and hands it back.)
BRYAN
And I have a coupon.
(He hands Gunther a coupon who stuffs it into his pants pocket.)
GUNTHER
Frugal, too. Women should be falling all over you, Bryan.
(Bryan picks up a playing card off the table.)
BRYAN
What’s this?
GUNTHER
A tarot card. That’s death.
BRYAN
With tits?
GUNTHER
These are nudie tarot cards. Very popular among bachelor psychics.
BRYAN
You’re a psychic?
GUNTHER
I channel spirits.
BRYAN
Which ones?
GUNTHER
No one you would have heard of. None of the premium spirits, just the basic ones. Ancient Egyptian janitors, mostly. Good for tips on tomb cleaning. Hey, here’s something that will help boost your self-esteem, Bryan. (He picks up a cassette tape.) Subliminal music tapes. I make them myself. Want to hear one?
BRYAN
Sure.
GUNTHER (putting tape in a boom box)
You just turn this on when you’re going to bed.
(He turns on the boom box. All we hear is Gunther’s pre-recorded voice saying, “I am confident…I am confident…I am confident…”)
BRYAN
Subliminal music tape? Where’s the music?
GUNTHER
It’s subliminal.
BRYAN
Maybe I should go.
GUNTHER
Well, don’t leave empty handed. I also have crystals, incense, an old sled.
BRYAN
I’ve always wanted a toboggan.
GUNTHER
Very manly. Hemmingway owned a toboggan.
BRYAN
Did he own this one?
GUNTHER
Sure.
BRYAN
I’ll take it.
GUNTHER
I’ll just charge your card something after I take off the $5 coupon.
BRYAN
I bet if I just walk around holding this, women will be all over me.
GUNTHER
I’m sure they will.
BRYAN
I’m heading over to the beach, right now.
(Bryan starts to exit.)
GUNTHER
Hey, kid.
(Bryan stops. Gunther hands him a nudie tarot card.)
GUNTHER (continuing)
Here.
BRYAN
Thanks, Mr. Landor.
(He exits. Gunther sets up another game of solitaire.)
GUNTHER (pleased)
Mister Landor.
(Lights fade.)
