Monday, January 5, 2009

Shoe Carnival?

I hate to start the post-holidays "back to work" bloggery with such an angry tirade, but I can't help it. There is outrage afoot and something must be done.

Add to my list of places that need to be sued for false advertising
Shoe Carnival.

Yes, indeed, there are plenty of shoes at the Shoe Carnival. Much like a shoe store. This strip mall staple is, however, not a carnival.

Shoes are lifelessly displayed or stored in boxes without air holes. They are not having fun. No one is having fun at the Shoe Carnival.

In order for Shoe Carnival to avoid wrath of my lawsuit, they need to at least do the following...

- Sell shoes dipped in caramel or heavily battered and fried or both
- Feature a geek who eats live shoes
- Add games of skill, such as a dunk tank where patrons can try to knock an obnoxious pair of Crocs into a big tub of water
- Rides would be nice. Tilt-A-Timberland?

I would also like to see them go more the Mardi Gras carnival route and start featuring drunken revelry, nudity and cheap plastic beads. I would be more than willing to flash my masculine boobs in order to receive service at the checkout counter. It would at least be in the spirit of a carnival.

I have sent an angry letter to Shoe Carnival about this and my lawyers and I are anxiously awaiting their response.


Back in '08, I asked...

"Last weekend, the Coastland Center Mall in Naples, Florida reported the theft of what?"

18% said "50 bottles of horny goat weed from GNC"
- Couldn't they come up with a better name? I can't go after them , though, because I think it does make you into a horny goat. I'll get the BS-RD department on that.

10% said "a dozen wine bottle hanging wax potpourri warmers from Yankee Candle"
- They exist and you need one, NOW!

9% said "137 fiber optic lights from Spencers Gifts"
- Do you have 137 fiver optic lights in your pants or are you just happy to be standing next to that black velvet poster of a naked lady with a tiger?

63% got it right with "250 thongs from Victoria's Secret"

According to The Naples Daily News, someone stole 250 pairs of thongs, valued at just under $2,000, from the Victoria’s Secret at Coastland Center mall, the Naples police department reported. An employee noticed that four drawers of PINK brand XS thong panties had been emptied of their contents. The theft likely occurred between Friday at 5 p.m. and Saturday at 1:30 p.m., the report states. No suspects were seen.

I suspect this is a Robin Hood kind of scenario. Someone is stealing from the rich to give thongs to the poor. I applaud them. Or perhaps it was a Shoe Carnival employee hoping to spice up the carnival level at their neighboring outlet.


Anonymous said...

I just came back to work after being out for 2 weeks, and already I wish I could be in my bed for just one more day. But I read your blog religiously and you are totally freaking hilarious and made my day. THANK YOU!!

Joe Janes said...

Thanks! You just made my day, especially after my hour and a half long ten minute ride on the CTA this morning.

Erica said...

Freaking Hilarious, Joe. I will happily sign a petition to correct this injustice.