Written by Joe Janes
8/15/09
209 of 365
CAST
Grekkor, ?
Chance, 30s
Deter, 50s
Dunkin, 40s
Jeri, 20s
Mike, 30s
(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)
CHANCE
Good morning, Grekkor.DETER
It’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)
Hello.CHANCE
How are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?GREKKOR
I am feeling fine.DETER
That’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.GREKKOR
That is good.CHANCE
We thought you would think so. DETER
Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.CHANCE
You are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.DETER
And we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.GREKKOR
Other from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)
DETER
How barbaric.CHANCE
We got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.DETER
If we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it. CHANCE
Or learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.GREKKOR
I am more than happy to answer them.DETER
Well, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.CHANCE
After we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)
GREKKOR
I would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.DETER
All the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.CHANCE
Many of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.DETER
Here’s the first…(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)
DUNKIN
Hey, there Gekko.GREKKOR
It’s Grekkor.CHANCE
He can’t hear you.DUNKIN
Here’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.GREKKOR
My dorsal is not moist.DETER
He still can’t hear you.GREKKOR
Just saying.DUNKIN
But if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?GREKKOR
Who?CHANCE
Uh-DUNKIN
Who’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?(Deter turns off the “video.”)
GREKKOR
Was that the question? “Well?”DETER
I think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’GREKKOR
Why did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?DETER
I don’t know.GREKKOR
My answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”CHANCE
I’ll put down “friendly visit.”DETER
Here’s our next question…(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)
JERI
Hi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!(Deter turns off the video.)
GREKKOR
That was one of your most asked questions?DETER
Yes.GREKKOR
I don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.CHANCE
It’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.GREKKOR
Oh, from Manoobi.DETER
Manoobi?GREKKOR
Manoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.CHANCE
People here think God created the universe.GREKKOR
When?CHANCE
When?DETER
Well, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.GREKKOR
Manoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)
DETER
Doesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.CHANCE
But-DETER
Let’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.CHANCE
Do we have to?DETER
It is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)
MIKE
Can I fuck you?GREKKOR
What?MIKE
I ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.(Deter turns it off.)
DETER
I’m really sorry, Grekkor.CHANCE
Most of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.DETER
Or stupid.CHANCE
Please don’t think less of us as a whole.GREKKOR
I’ll have sex with him.DETER
You will?GREKKOR
Sure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you. CHANCE (opening a door)
We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.(Mike enters.)
MIKE
He said yes?GREKKOR (standing)
Hello, Mike.MIKE
Hot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.GREKKOR (picking up Mike)
I am happy to oblige.MIKE
Just to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.GREKKOR
That’s fine with me.DETER
You know what that means?GREKKOR
We call it the same thing on my planet.(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)
MIKE
Hey, do I need a condom?GREKKOR
Not at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.MIKE
Awesome.(They exit.)
DETER
Write down that Grekkor is a female.CHANCE
Guess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.MIKE (off)
Oh, God! Oh, God!GREKKOR (off)
Oh, Manoobi!(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)
