Monday, December 29, 2008

What I Don't Want in 2009

I don't do New Year resolutions. I suck at them. I think they are a set up for certain failure. By February, when you realize you haven't lost 50 pounds or saved up enough for a vacation or written that novel, the resolutions become a source of angst and guilt. By March, they are filed in the trash can with slim hopes of doing better next year.

I do think that the end of the year is a good time to pause, look back and look ahead. Envisioning what the new year could be is a good idea. It's like a sports team at the end of a quarter connecting with the coach and plotting their next quarter's strategy.

And I suck at that, too.

The only thing I am very clear about for 2009 is what I DON'T want.

Here's the list, so far, in no particular order...

1) My married friends need to stop splitting up. It's getting ridiculous. Those who have already split up, fine, go about your business. The rest of you, suck it up and work it out.

2) People need to stop getting cancer. Whatever you need to do to make sure this happens, please do it. More antioxidants, meditation, stop smoking, eat more broccoli... do it!

3) Stop laying people off. I know, I know, if a company's bleeding, what else can they do? This is a big one without an easy answer. There's a lot to be said about anticipating. The disastrous turn of the economy wasn't a surprise. Even I could see it coming from a mile away and I'm an idiot when it comes to money. Our country has a financial culture based on being in debt and hoping for the best. That needs to change on a personal level and on a corporate level. Let's make Chris Parnell Secretary of the Treasury.




4) People really need to stop giving their money to the
International Star Registry. For fifty bucks minimum, they'll name a star and give you a certificate and a letter congratulating you on giving them fifty bucks. Here's the thing... THEY DON'T OWN THE STARS. They are not theirs to name. NASA isn't updating their charts based on additions to the International Star Registry. The Hubble telescope isn't in deep space snapping pictures of the Phil Jablonski. Kirk isn't going to tell Sulu to make a left at the Marjorie Hummelsburg. The Bible won't be re-written to show the three wise men followed the Dennis Mitchell.

5) I don't want Britney Spears to have another comeback. She's done. Go away, now.

6) I don't want my breath to smell like my dad's. Love my dad, but I remember sometimes as a kid he would playfully get in my face and his breath would smell like polished antique furniture. This is why I almost always in arm's reach of a mint.

7) I don't want people getting sick or dying in this country because of inadequate health care. This is where the US really needs to get on the ball and become more compassionate than capitalist.


If I were to sum up what I do want for 2009, Kurt Vonnegut said it best.

"Be nice to each other. We’re all trying the best we can."



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last week, I asked...

"What does Joe really want for Christmas?"


50% said "A new TV"
- It's on the list, but not as high as the correct answer. I have a TV, but the sockets in the back are messed up and I'm unable to hook up a DVD player or Playstation. Inconvenient, but not a big loss.

12% said "A new girlfriend"
- Not opposed, but really feels the correct answer is more urgent and will be helpful in the acquisition of a new girlfriend.

No one thought I might like "Peace on earth"

38% got it right with "A new couch"

According to a press release from BS International Headquarters, Joe desperately needs a new couch. In fact, he simply needs a couch. Right now, the "designated couch area" is occupied by a ratan chair and an ottoman. Mr. Janes seeks the perfect couch. It has to be small enough to fit through his skinny apartment door, yet be large enough for naps and sleeping vagabonds. It should also be large enough for two people to cuddle comfortably without crushing one another or limbs becoming numb. It should definitely not be leather or faux leather or so plush that cat hair becomes embedded in it.

Janes has been looking on-line, but has an aversion to buying furniture for his body based on pictures. The search continues.

5 comments:

mark krause said...

hey joe where's the picture with the sweet sweaters you bought? one thing i've noticed since the drop in the economy, no more junk mail giving me $10,000 credit cards,used to get at least 4 or 5 of them a week, I think the credit card companies lost alot of money with their mailings,must of cost them a bundle for me to take them to the dump.by the way i voted for a new girlfriend,thought you might need some female company.

Old Ned said...

"Kirk isn't going to tell Sulu to make a left at the Marjorie Hummelsburg."

But wouldn't it be great if he did?

Joe Janes said...

Mark - There is a picture out there of the three of us in the sweaters. As soon as it comes my way, I'll post it. We had the sweater son for about a full minute. They got returned to K-Mart on Saturday. Rather effortlessly, too.

mark krause said...

when i clicked on the bs international headquarters i thought for sure it would be the whitehouse or even the oval office with a picture of bush

Sharko said...

Joe, Michelle and I are staying married, so that should help you in your wants for 2009.

We live by the axiom "Nothing comes between us." Michelle's happines is important to me as my happiness is important to her. It's makes things go a lot smoother.

I wish for you to have a great 2009 and hope to see more of you in the coming year.