Written by Joe Janes
12/14/09
330 of 365
Cast
Judge, 50s
Mr. Webb, 30s
Bailiff, 30s
(Lights up on Judge, Mr. Webb and Bailiff in a court of law. The bailiff is swearing in Mr. Webb.)
BALIFF
Raise your right hand. (He does.) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
WEBB
No.
BALIFF
Uh…judge?
JUDGE
Mr. Webb, you really need to in order for us to proceed.
WEBB
I’m not trying to hold things up, your honor. I just don’t believe in God.
(There is an uproar, real or imagined, in the court. The judge flips out with his gavel.)
JUDGE
Order! Order in the court! Another outburst like that and I’ll clear this courtroom so fast you’ll wonder how the hell you got outside without moving your legs! (Back to serene judge) You don’t believe in the lord almighty, Mr. Webb?
WEBB
No, your honor. I do not. No disrespect intended.
JUDGE
None taken. None taken. But you see our dilemma here, right?
WEBB
You need to swear me in.
JUDGE
Exactly.
BALIFF
Otherwise, your whole testimony could be a lie.
(Another outburst. The judge flips out on his gavel, again.)
JUDGE (standing)
Jesus H. Christ on a stick! I’ll call for the county busses and make all of you spend the night in jail to contemplate your unseemly behavior! One cell! One cell for all of you. With only one toilet. The kind without any privacy. (Sits) Don’t push the robe! (Back to serene.) Tell me, Mr. Webb. How can you assure us that your testimony will be the truth?
WEBB
Can’t I just promise?
JUDGE
We need a teensy bit more assurance. The thing about God is that you’re telling the utmost authority over everything that you’re going to tell it like it is.
WEBB
I will tell it like it is.
JUDGE
I believe you. We just need some collateral. Fearing the wrath of (points up) does the trick for most people. You don’t believe there’s a higher power running the big show?
WEBB
No, your honor. I think all there is, is all there is. No heaven, no hell, no afterlife.
JUDGE
Anything you do believe in?
WEBB
I believe a man is his word.
JUDGE
Well, okay then. We can work with that. Bailiff?
BALIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you you?
WEBB
I do.
(Uproar in the court. Judge flips.)
JUDGE
That’s it! That’s it! Out of my courtroom! Everyone out! Out! (The all three look out at the audience.)
BALIFF
No one’s leaving, Judge.
JUDGE
I can see that.
WEBB
I guess they don’t believe you.
BAILIFF
I could swear you in. (Judge holds up his hand) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Mr. Webb?
JUDGE
I do. (uproar – extreme gaveling) Order! Order!
(Blackout.)
