Written by Joe Janes
9/22/09
247 of 365
CAST
Scott, 40s
Kristi, 40s
Joanie, 20s
Raymond, 30s
(Lights up on Kristi sitting in a small folding chair in front of a tent. Scott crawls out of the tent and stands up and looks around.)
SCOTT
This was a good idea.
KRISTI
This was a great idea.
SCOTT
I love being outdoors.
KRISTI
It really makes me feel alive.
SCOTT
And eating nothing but what we fish out of the lake.
KRISTI
Living off this sweet, sweet land.
SCOTT
It gives.
KRISTI
It’s a giver.
SCOTT
We should do this more often.
KRISTI
We should do this all the time and go live inside for vacations. How effing great would that be?
SCOTT
I didn’t realize national parks were so cheap.
KRISTI
It’s like we’re stealing Mother Nature. Makes me want to tip the bears. With money.
SCOTT
Feel this. Feel my face.
(She does.)
KRISTI
Ouchy-oohy.
SCOTT
No place for a man to plug in his electric shaver out here.
KRISTI
Not an extension cord long enough.
SCOTT
Didn’t even realize there would be no electricity or phone service.
KRISTI
There’s that pay phone at the ranger station.
SCOTT
Pay phone? What’s that?
(They laugh.)
SCOTT (continuing)
Nothing but nature.
KRISTI
Nothing but nature.
(He gets teary and holds out his hand. She notices this and puts her hand in his. They hear an eagle fly overhead.)
SCOTT
Holy shit, that’s an eagle.
KRISTI
That is one beautiful fucking eagle.
(They watch it till it flies out of view.)
SCOTT
Makes you wonder what it’s all about.
KRISTI
Our lowly existence on this great majestic lump of spinning mud.
SCOTT
We are not worthy to step upon this land.
KRISTI
We should crawl in reverence, but that would actually put more of our body in contact with the ground. If I could, I would float.
SCOTT
Me, too.
KRISTI
And not eat or breathe.
SCOTT
And not eat or breathe.
(We hear a car pull up. A car door slams. Joanie, a pizza deliverer, enters carrying a pizza.)
JOANIE
This lot 826?
KRISTI
No, I-
SCOTT
Yes. Yes it is.
JOANIE
That’s $16.50.
(Scott fishes a twenty out of his wallet.)
SCOTT
Here you go. Keep the change.
JOANIE
Thanks. Be careful of bears. They like pizza, too.
SCOTT
Gotcha. Thanks.
(Scott sits down and opens the pizza box. He takes out a slice and is about to eat it when he notices Kristi glaring at him.)
SCOTT (continuing)
What?
JOANIE
Nature or pizza?
(Scott looks guilty and puts the pizza back, closing the lid. Raymond, in a big guy in a jogging suit not meant for jogging enters.)
RAYMOND
Hey, there, sort of neighbors. I ordered a pizza for me and my pain-in-the-ass kids and their equally painsome mother. You ain’t seen it, have you?
SCOTT
The pizza lady-
KRISTI
Just drove off. You just missed her.
RAYMOND
Fer chrissake’s. The dingbat. Hey, what’s that?
KRISTI
Oh, that. Just an old pizza box. We had some last night.
SCOTT
I was just about to throw it away.
RAYMOND
I’m heading by the trashcans, I can get that-
(Kristi quickly gets up and stands between Raymond and the pizza. They have an intense moment.)
SCOTT
There’s still a slice or two left.
RAYMOND (slowly backing off)
All right, then. Guess I’ll call that pizza place up and give them a piece of my mind. Probably get a couple free pies out of it.
SCOTT
Always a silver lining.
RAYMOND
I guess.
(He stares at Kristi one more time. He walks off. Kristi turns, sits, open the box and pulls out a slice.)
SCOTT
Nature or pizza?
KRISTI
Pizza.
(Blackout.)
