Week 44, Day 303 - "Abortion Lover"

“Abortion Lover”

Written by Joe Janes

11/17/09

303 of 365

Cast:

Al, 30s

Emma, 30s

(The stage is dark. We hear fumbling of keys. A door opens and the lights in Emma’s apartment turn on. Emma and Al are trying to move into the apartment while making out. They take off their coats and fumble their way to the sofa.)

EMMA (still kissing)

Sorry the place is a mess, Al.

AL (still kissing)

I didn’t notice, Emma.

EMMA (still kissing)

I don’t usually do this with a guy I just met.

AL (still kissing)

Me, either.

EMMA (still kissing)

Guess it’s just been so long.

AL (still kissing)

We’re only human.

EMMA (still kissing)

The wine helped.

AL (still kissing)

Wine always helps.

EMMA (still kissing)

You’re single, right? No girlfriend? No wife?

AL (still kissing)

Totally and completely single. And disease-free.

EMMA (still kissing)

Me, too. (Stops kissing) Do you have a condom?

AL

I have five hundred dollars.

EMMA

What?

AL

I have five hundred dollars. (He tries to kiss her and she holds him back.)

EMMA

I’m not a prostitute.

AL

Of course, you’re not. I wouldn’t pay that much. Oh, that didn’t sound right. Not that you’re not worth it. You’re worth more than that. Triple the amount. (Rolls his eyes.) Insert foot in mouth. The money’s in case you get pregnant. (He goes in for a kiss, again and she, again, holds him back.) You know, for an abortion.

EMMA

Whoa! Rather than spend a few bucks on a condom you’d rather spend five hundred on an abortion?

AL

Well, you know, what can I say? I really hate condoms. They’re not fun.

EMMA

You know what else is not fun… abortions.

AL

Well, no, I wouldn’t think they were. It’s a medical procedure. Sort of like getting a tooth pulled. Just saying, don’t worry, you’re covered. I’m your insurance. I’ll pay the bill and even give you a ride if you need one.

EMMA

What if I don’t want an abortion?

AL

Well, you can keep the baby, if you want. That’s your business.

EMMA

Wow. You better go, now.

AL

Look, Emma, I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you, but if you think about it… You’re what? Mid-30s? The odds of you getting pregnant are pretty slim.

EMMA

But you’d rather pay for an abortion than get some birth control.

AL

Look, you’re the one who’s not on the pill, which tells me you care about your body. As do I. That’s why I prefer an abortion to the morning after pill, which can have side effects. Side effects that may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. You get an abortion, you just walk it off.

EMMA

Al. Time for you to walk this off. Good night.

(She opens the door for him to leave.)

AL

All right, Emma. Too bad. I think we could have had some fun.

EMMA

Yeah. I’m all torn up inside. The same as if you had stayed.

AL

Call you-

EMMA

No. Good night.

(Al walks out. Emma closes the door. She sits back down on the sofa. The door opens.)

AL

I could pull out.

EMMA

If you don’t, I’ll cut it off.

(She exits into the bedroom. Al quickly follows. Blackout.)

Week 17, Day 117 - "Problem Solved"

“Problem Solved”
Written by Joe Janes
117 of 365
5/15/09

CAST:
The President
Roger, Reporter 1
Allen, Reporter 2
Doris, Reporter 3

(Lights up on a podium. Reporters are milling about, chatting with one another. The president enters and walks to the podium, everyone quickly sits and quiets down.)

PRESIDENT

Ladies and gentlemen of the press. I am excited to announce to you, that after weeks of long days and late nights, very in depth, sometimes intense, bi-partisan negotiations, congress has come up with a bill that solves all of the healthcare issues in this great country of ours. And I will be signing that bill into law tomorrow morning.

REPORTER 1

Mr. President, exactly how is this plan going to handle the skyrocketing costs of medical care in this country?

PRESIDENT

Excellent question, Roger. The health insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies have committed themselves to reducing the costs of their products and services by three trillion dollars over the course ten years. This will make healthcare more affordable.

REPORTER 2

More affordable doesn’t necessarily guarantee the 50 million people currently uninsured will be able to pay for it.

PRESIDENT

Ah, but here’s the beauty of our new plan. Every man, woman and child in this nation will have health insurance. They will definitely have health insurance because this new law makes it required.

REPORTER 2

Come again?

PRESIDENT

Just like you are required to have auto insurance to drive your car, every American will be required to have health insurance to live in their body.

REPORTER 3

But, Mr. President, there are people out there who drive their cars without being insured.

PRESIDENT

And those people are breaking the law.

REPORTER 1

Mr. President, people are losing their jobs and their homes. There’s bound to be people who cannot afford health insurance. This must have been taken into consideration.

PRESIDENT

It was, indeed. We are a compassionate government. If you are unable to cover the costs of your health insurance you have two options – military service or we put you into a residence that covers all your day-to-day living needs. These facilities are already in every county in the nation.

REPORTER 2

You mean prisons?

PRESIDENT

We prefer to call them temporary detention centers. So, as you can see, the rampant lack of healthcare issue is solved.

REPORTER 2

Because it will be required.

PRESIDENT

Precisely.

REPORTER 3

So, the insurance companies and pharmaceuticals aren’t really losing any money in the long run.

PRESIDENT

How do you figure that? Are you some kind of mathematician?

REPORTER 3

I have a calculator on my phone. 50 million people paying, well, let’s say, what a single middle-aged writer working two part-time jobs as a teacher might pay, 235 a month, well, that brings in 11 billion, 750 million dollars a month. And that’s if he doesn’t use the insurance. As he gets older, the price will go up, as well. The companies will make their 3 trillion back very quickly.

PRESIDENT

I think you’re missing the bigger picture here, Doris. Everyone will be insured.

REPORTER 3

Or go to jail.

PRESIDENT

Or the military. We have plans to extend our operations in the Middle East to accommodate more servicemen and women. We think this is an exciting new approach never done in Washington before. We have plans to apply this to other issues.

REPORTER 1

Unemployment?

PRESIDENT

You will see the unemployment rate dwindle down to zero once we make being employed a requirement.

REPORTER 2

Homelessness?

PRESIDENT

People will be required to sleep indoors in their own beds. Illegal immigrants will be required to become legal immigrants. Everyone will need to carry a firearm starting Monday and everyone will be required to smoke, just not in public. Except in Kentucky which will be designated a smoking area for the nation.

REPORTER 3

Abortion?

PRESIDENT

Required. For every man, woman and child.

REPORTER 1

This “required” way of running the country – How will we see it affect our educational system?

PRESIDENT

From now on, by law, teachers will be required to teach in classrooms and preachers will be required to preach in churches. No crossovers.

REPORTER 2

Well, that’s one good thing.

PRESIDENT

Now, if there are no further questions, my cabinet and I must resume our research on requiring medical marijuana. For everybody. (He mimes toking on a joint) Goodnight.

(Some Hendrix plays. Blackout.)