1) Pretend to have a conversation on the phone with “PHIL”, saying what you really think about the people around you to him. “Well, Phil, I think your hat looks stupid.”
2) put mustard on your dessert
3) anytime someone sneezes, stand-up and salute them
4) if you hear a car horn, shout “Yeah! Clowns!”
5) brush only the teeth that really need it
6) floss your teeth with cat whiskers
7) each time before you take a bite of your food, look around suspiciously
8) giggle to yourself every time someone near you takes a bite of their food
9) on outgoing mail, write “open here” and draw an arrow to a side of the envelope that does not have a flap
10) at various time throughout the day, shout out, “I should have ordered the soup!” and slap yourself in the head shouting “Stupid! Stupid!” Then cry a little.
11) Tell your boss you need to take the day off because you feel good.
12) Hastily create a picture of a co-worker out of macaroni, glue and construction paper and give it to them. Make a very big deal about how much work you put into it and how wonderful it turned out.
13) Play a very competitive game of Hopscotch indoors
14) ask people what they think of your mustache – if you have a mustache, ask people what they think of your new mustache
15) write “you’re a winner” on a piece of paper, stuff it in an envelope, walk up to a stranger saying “You’re a winner!” Shake their hand, give them the envelope, run away.
16) Wear a sticker that says “Ask Me How I Lost Weight” and then when someone asks, get choked up and tell them you’re too upset to talk about it.
17) Wear ear buds with the cord in your pocket. Occasionally, take the jack out and stick it into things to listen to and bop your head. Things like, people’s arms, bulletin boards, food, trees.
18) Open doors for people and hold out your hand for a tip
19) whenever someone says “thank you” say “no, no – you’re welcome.”
20) Carry a box of tissues and hand them out to people unsolicited and without explanation
21) If someone asks “How are you?” say, “Fine…Why?”
22) Tell someone, “Hey, did you see that thing on the news about lights in the sky above Boise?” Tell people until someone says “I heard that, too.” Or until the story comes back to you.
23) On Post-It notes write “I am ignoring you” stick them anonymously on unsuspecting people or on other people’s property, like desks or computers
24) In chalk, on a sidewalk, write “Don’t Look Up”
25) when walking, only make 90-degree turns
26) have an earthquake only you can feel
27) bring your own spork to use solely at a lunch or dinner
28) In a bathroom stall, hum the 1812 Overture
29) Stand very close to someone and tell them you’re an astronaut exploring personal space
30) Go to a health club and pull other people’s groin muscles
31) Sip from a bottle in a paper bag while telling people how good you feel since rehab
32) no matter what you have to say, attribute it as a quote from Benjamin Franklin. “Well, like Benjamin Franklin said, I’ll be running a little late.”
33) In the memo space on checks, write things a cat would be grateful for. Things like; “For rubbing my tummy.” “For taking me to the vet’s” “For brushing my coat.” “For trimming my nails.” “For giving me my favorite treats.” “For letting me kill birds.”
34 – 50) repeat steps 1-15. Do 16-33 simultaneously.
BAck to Joe-Joe...
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Based on a new study of Infant Educational Videos, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington, recommends babies watch what for the developmental benefits?"
10% each picked "Baby Einstein" and "Brainy Baby,"
which are actual infant videos and not pathetic attempts at whacky Saturday morning cartoons.
10% also picked "Baby Geniuses."
No one, repeat, NO ONE, should ever be subjected to the computer-animated baby talking tug-fest that is the movie Baby Geniuses OR it's brutally unnecessary sequel, SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses II.
70% of you were raised properly and answered the "American Idol."
According to an article in The LA Times, making infants watch educational videos is about as effective as sitting them down in front of a lava lamp. The study determined that for every hour a day that babies 8 to 16 months old were shown such popular series as Brainy Baby or Baby Einstein, they knew six to eight fewer words than other children. Dr. Dimitri Christakis, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington in Seattle, said, "I would rather babies watch American Idol than these videos," explaining that there is at least a chance their parents would watch with them — which does have developmental benefits. Great, all we need are a bunch of babies criticizing their classmates singing Ol' MacDonald in Kindergarten. "Teacher, Dakota's "ee-aye-ee-aye-o's" make me want to puke Play-Doh."