Tuesday, August 5, 2008

An Open Letter to Germany, France and England

Dear Frau Chancellor, Mr. President and Mr. Prime Minister,

Wow! Pretty exciting getting to meet Barrack Obama, wasn't it? Charming, articulate fellow. Knows how to speak eloquently in front of large groups of people and in one-on-one conversations. Doesn't touch you inappropriately or giggle like a cartoon dog at his own jokes. Refreshing, isn't it? He really showed the world how presidential he can be. Almost gives you hope for America. We might actually be a country you can respect, again.

I thought so, too.

Until I saw our polls.

Oh, they all have Obama in the lead, but not by much. Only by a few points. Which is really quite astounding considering the competition. McCain doesn't know geography, often makes mistakes in regards to timelines and cultures,contradicts himself a lot, and has the worst sense of humor since, well, our current "chief." By the way, I think that's a very telling demonstration of leadership ability. All of our best presidents had a great sense of humor - Lincoln, FDR, Truman, Kennedy, Jefferson, etc. They were genuinely witty. And they could tell a joke. They also didn't rely on comedy writers to punch up their speeches. To me, this shows a level of smarts and communication skills essential for facing the day-to-day task of running the free world. It's not "the" ingredient, but it's an essential one.

Which brings me back to the polls. McCain couldn't tell a joke if he were being held hostage in Hanoi. To make sure we know he just told a joke, he splays that creepy grin across his swollen mug. And yet, he's only a few points behind in the polls. It's a little too painful of a reminder of when John Kerry and Al Gore ran for president. In all three of these cases, it should be a slam dunk. But it wasn't. Smart Guy vs Buffoon. Smart Guy wins, right? The republicans played the fear angle hard and are doing it, again. The sheep who prefer to make their choices based on ads than on any actual research eat that stuff up. And there was also some shady dealings the last two times in the elections in Ohio and Florida that makes one wonder what country we're living in - Zimbabwe?

According to the polls, at least half of us are sick of all the shenanigans this country has been pulling on the world. If we were a DVD, we'd be Countries Gone Wild. We'd be doing shots of oil, flashing our Grand Tetons and flipping you off. In the world party scheme of things, we're the obnoxious frat guy doing beer bongs, bogarting your joint, eating the last three slices of pizza and complaining when you run out of everything.

My letter is simply to request this from you. If in November, John McCain should win/steal the White House please, please, oh, please, bomb the shit out of us. Please - push the button(s). Our country is off the rails and will be beyond repair if McCain is put into office. Between the three of you, I think you can turn this country into a parking lot in no time. Divvy it up between the three of you, if you want it. But I fully expect you to turn this land from sea-to-shining-sea into burnt pizza crust. Give Alaska to the Canadians and give Hawaii back to the Polynesians.

If you don't, it's four-to-eight more years of massive pollution without regard for the environment, it's government bail-outs of big corporations while the middle class joins the ranks of the poor. More wealth will go directly into the pockets of the already filthy rich. And you'll have to put up with McCain's awkward jokes at summits. He might not try to give you uninvited back rubs, but that smile will make you feel like you had a bad touch.

Begging for a mercy killing,



Yesterday, I asked...

"John McCain is speaking today (Monday) in South Dakota at the Sturgis Rally 2008 which features which of the following?"

37% said "greased pig competition"
- No, that's just Joe Lieberman hanging around, again.

25% said "tractor pull"
- I think that's some kind of groin injury McCain has.

No one said "pie-eating contest"
- Sophomoricly close to the right answer.

38% got it right with "women's wrestling"

According to The Huffington Post, the town of Sturgis, South Dakota witnessed, on Monday, the rare fusion of drunken debauchery, public stripteasing, motorcycle rallying, a live performance by Kid Rock, and - last but not least - a veterans-themed speech by presidential candidate John McCain. On Sunday, the McCain campaign announced that the Senator will participate in the Sturgis Rally 2008 at Buffalo Chip in South Dakota, an annual tribute to American veterans. As the presumptive nominee took the stage, the "Ringin' Wet & Wild" women's wrestling event took place on the main amphitheater. Two hours before then, the "Miss Buffalo Chip Beauty Pageant - Bikinis on the Beach" was staged at a different venue. That affair is described by ESPN's Jim Caple as "essentially a topless beauty pageant. And occasionally bottomless, too."

Well, I can't think of a better way to honor veterans. Screw proper medical care and retirement benefits. Let's show 'em some boobies.

Germany, France and England - I'm counting on you to do the right thing come the election.


Dennis Frymire said...

I'll second this sentiment.

Old Ned said...

H. L. Mencken once said, "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people." Carl Rove and George W certainly proved this axiom applies to politics as well. While I'm supporting Obama in the coming election, it wouldn't surprise me if McCain wins . . . It would disgust me, but it wouldn't surpise me.

mark krause said...

if obama wins, who he picked as vp is going to be very important, if some jackass in one of our southern redneck states decides to go kkk and do mr. obama in. now don't say you haven't thought about that. do you think bush is the manchurian candidate? noone can be that stupid it has to be a chip malfunctioning in his head, thats got to be it.

Old Ned said...

Check out Paul Kurgman's editorial, "Know-Nothing Politics"
at: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/08/opinion/08krugman.html?em