Written by Joe Janes
117 of 365
5/15/09
CAST:
The President
Roger, Reporter 1
Allen, Reporter 2
Doris, Reporter 3
(Lights up on a podium. Reporters are milling about, chatting with one another. The president enters and walks to the podium, everyone quickly sits and quiets down.)
PRESIDENT
Ladies and gentlemen of the press. I am excited to announce to you, that after weeks of long days and late nights, very in depth, sometimes intense, bi-partisan negotiations, congress has come up with a bill that solves all of the healthcare issues in this great country of ours. And I will be signing that bill into law tomorrow morning.REPORTER 1
Mr. President, exactly how is this plan going to handle the skyrocketing costs of medical care in this country?PRESIDENT
Excellent question, Roger. The health insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies have committed themselves to reducing the costs of their products and services by three trillion dollars over the course ten years. This will make healthcare more affordable.REPORTER 2
More affordable doesn’t necessarily guarantee the 50 million people currently uninsured will be able to pay for it.PRESIDENT
Ah, but here’s the beauty of our new plan. Every man, woman and child in this nation will have health insurance. They will definitely have health insurance because this new law makes it required.REPORTER 2
Come again?PRESIDENT
Just like you are required to have auto insurance to drive your car, every American will be required to have health insurance to live in their body.REPORTER 3
But, Mr. President, there are people out there who drive their cars without being insured.PRESIDENT
And those people are breaking the law. REPORTER 1
Mr. President, people are losing their jobs and their homes. There’s bound to be people who cannot afford health insurance. This must have been taken into consideration.PRESIDENT
It was, indeed. We are a compassionate government. If you are unable to cover the costs of your health insurance you have two options – military service or we put you into a residence that covers all your day-to-day living needs. These facilities are already in every county in the nation.REPORTER 2
You mean prisons?PRESIDENT
We prefer to call them temporary detention centers. So, as you can see, the rampant lack of healthcare issue is solved.REPORTER 2
Because it will be required.PRESIDENT
Precisely.REPORTER 3
So, the insurance companies and pharmaceuticals aren’t really losing any money in the long run.PRESIDENT
How do you figure that? Are you some kind of mathematician?REPORTER 3
I have a calculator on my phone. 50 million people paying, well, let’s say, what a single middle-aged writer working two part-time jobs as a teacher might pay, 235 a month, well, that brings in 11 billion, 750 million dollars a month. And that’s if he doesn’t use the insurance. As he gets older, the price will go up, as well. The companies will make their 3 trillion back very quickly.PRESIDENT
I think you’re missing the bigger picture here, Doris. Everyone will be insured.REPORTER 3
Or go to jail.PRESIDENT
Or the military. We have plans to extend our operations in the Middle East to accommodate more servicemen and women. We think this is an exciting new approach never done in Washington before. We have plans to apply this to other issues.REPORTER 1
Unemployment?PRESIDENT
You will see the unemployment rate dwindle down to zero once we make being employed a requirement.REPORTER 2
Homelessness?PRESIDENT
People will be required to sleep indoors in their own beds. Illegal immigrants will be required to become legal immigrants. Everyone will need to carry a firearm starting Monday and everyone will be required to smoke, just not in public. Except in Kentucky which will be designated a smoking area for the nation.REPORTER 3
Abortion?PRESIDENT
Required. For every man, woman and child. REPORTER 1
This “required” way of running the country – How will we see it affect our educational system?PRESIDENT
From now on, by law, teachers will be required to teach in classrooms and preachers will be required to preach in churches. No crossovers.REPORTER 2
Well, that’s one good thing.PRESIDENT
Now, if there are no further questions, my cabinet and I must resume our research on requiring medical marijuana. For everybody. (He mimes toking on a joint) Goodnight.(Some Hendrix plays. Blackout.)
