Written by Joe Janes
11/16/09
302 of 365
Cast:
Lol, 40s
Kevin, 20s
(Lights up on Lol looking out a large picture window. Kevin, nervous, enters carrying a folder. He stands at the door. Lol doesn’t seem to notice him. Kevin reaches over to the door and knocks lightly.)
LOL (without turning)
Have a seat, Kevin.
(Kevin does.)
LOL
I love this view. I had my sights set on this corner office suite before it was even available. I waited. I waited until the previous company folded. And then I pounced. When I see something I like, I get. The key is knowing when to pounce. Wouldn’t you agree, Kevin?
KEVIN
I think that’s why you are the boss.
LOL
The boss. Such an informal title. Maybe “leader.” What do you think of leader?
KEVIN
I think it states the obvious.
(Kevin hands Lol the folder.)
LOL
Right you are. (Lol looks through the folder.) I like you, Kevin. This final interview is just a formality. If someone gets this far in the process, I usually hire him or her. You’re from Columbus, Ohio.
KEVIN
Yes, sir. Went to OSU.
LOL
Go, Buckeyes.
KEVIN
Go, Buckeyes. (They laugh.) I would very much like to work for Smersh Industries, Sir.
LOL
If someone like a family member or your best friend asked you what Smersh Industries did, Kevin, what would you say?
KEVIN
That Smersh Industries is the leader in the effective importing and exporting of textiles and mercantile for a global community.
LOL
Very good. Now, what would you say if I asked you Smersh Industries did?
KEVIN
Smersh Industries, led by Lol Smersh, the richest, most powerful man in the world, restores order where once was mayhem and mayhem where once was order.
LOL
Spoken like someone already devoted to the success of my company.
KEVIN
I am, sir. I truly am.
LOL
There’s only one last test, Kevin. (Lol guides Kevin from his seat to the downstage wall and pushes a button. We hear a hum as the wall moves revealing a map of the world.)
KEVIN
Wow. It’s a map of the world. The whole world.
LOL
Every inch of it. The red areas are places we have already infiltrated as an industry. We have little of no competition in those areas.
KEVIN
That’s a lot of red.
LOL
It is. Of course, I won’t be happy until the whole world has a crimson tint. To do that. I really need to know that my employees have my back, no matter what. Do you see how all the cities have little lit-up buttons.
KEVIN
Yes. Look at that. That’s some very detailed work. Every city all over the world.
LOL
Press any one of those buttons and that city disappears.
KEVIN
What do you mean, disappears?
LOL
I mean, the ground opens up underneath it and the city falls in never to be heard from again.
KEVIN
I find that hard to believe.
LOL
Then press a button. If you want to work for me, you’ll need to any way.
KEVIN
The lights that are out-
LOL
Those buttons have already been pressed.
KEVIN
LA? LA’s not there any more?
LOL
Hasn’t been there two or three years.
KEVIN
I think I would have read something about that.
LOL
You probably did and then just forgot it. Happens.
KEVIN
I’m sure I wouldn’t forget LA being destroyed.
LOL
Really? Pearl Harbor? The Alamo? 9/11? Ever hear of any of them?
KEVIN
Yes.
LOL
Bad examples. Look, Kevin, I want to take over the world. Well on my way, as you can see. I need people that won’t blink when I tell them its time to destroy (looks at map) Gary, Indiana.
KEVIN
I’m not sure.
LOL
A mob of people would knock you down just for an opportunity to destroy Gary. Even without the promise of employment. Pick a place you know, pick a place you never heard of. It doesn’t matter to me. Pick New York City, pick Jumbuck, Egypt. Pick something. Pounce, Kevin, pounce!
(Kevin is about to, but stops.)
KEVIN
Mr. Smersh.
LOL
Lol.
KEVIN
Lol. I can’t do this. I can’t take the lives of innocent people just to forward the survival of one man and his corporation.
(Lol puts his arm around Kevin.)
LOL
Kevin, I am touched by your humanity. Deeply touched. You have passed the test. You start on Monday.
KEVIN
Really? Thank, Sir. Thank you.
LOL
No, Kevin, Thank you. Now, a limousine is waiting for you outside. It will take you to the airport and fly you back to Columbus in my private supersonic jet. You’ll be home packing within the hour.
KEVIN
I’m speechless.
LOL
I take care of my people, Kevin. (He walks him to the door.) Now, off you go. (Kevin exits. Lol picks up the phone.) Holly? Make sure Kevin gets to Columbus. Take care of him. And then take care of Columbus. … Yes, I’ll even let you push the button. Thank you. Send in the next candidate. (He hangs up. He moves back to the picture window and does an evil, evil laugh. Blackout.)
