Dear Mr. President,
How are you? I am fine.
Look, this whole Iraq thing just ain't working out. It's been a drag. It's expensive. People are dying. Many Iraqis want us out. Why stay at a party where we're not welcome? Plus, we've already got a party going on in Afghanistan and it really needs some attention. They are running out of dip.
And just between you and me, the whole darn thing's about oil and who gets to control it. True, if we remove our troops, less of a chance for us to get our hands on that black gold. You ran a failed business that used to drill for that Texas tea. Here's a place where it flows like honey. That's got to sting to be so close and yet so far. No wonder you don't want to cut and run. You really should just take your lumps and get out, but how to do it gracefully?
I have a suggestion.
Stay in Afghanistan and keep the Taliban the heck out of there. But get us out of Iraq. Just give it the ol' "Whoops. Sorry. My bad" and have the troops walk apologetically backwards toward Kuwait.
And I know what you're thinking, Mr. President. What about that oil? Errr, I love oil! We need it more than they do! Our country sucks down oil like a downtown stock trader sucks down Starbucks coffee. Well, I haven't forgotten about that. I know you need a gusher to keep your interest now that you no longer party like you used to. I can sum it all up in one word.
They have tons of oil upon which they just sit their maple leaf tattooed butts. U.S. Geological Survey estimates has as much as 25 percent of the world's undiscovered oil and gas up there in their Arctic region. But, of course, you can't go telling everybody that you're going to war with Canada over oil.
Here are some other reasons that you can use to tell the Congress, the American public and yourself, too, if you need to.
- Canada is beefing up its military presence around the Northwest Passage. We're like, "Hey, that's international water." and they're like,"Um, dude, it's a part of our country. Check your map." And you know what happens when someone builds up a military presence around some place we want to have the freedom to travel? We throw it right back at them plus more. That's the American way!
- They have weapons of mass destruction and don't quite now how to use them. We do! Let's get in there before they "accidentally" blow up Alaska.
- They are being led by a mad man. He gives his people free health care. Look at this picture of the prime minister with his family...
It's all a part of his evil plan to create a super race. His plan started at home. He makes his wife have a baby a year and he throws out the ones that are dark haired, dark eyed or just looked too puny or too pudgey. Clearly, the world will be a better place with this tyrant out of the way. At this point, this super race thing is an unsubstantiated rumor, but you and I know that you and Karl and Dick can take raw material like that and spin it into fact. Well, fact enough.
- They are harboring terrorists. That's why they let people flow into the U.S. so easily. The only thing they've done since 9/11 is expand what they ask someone at the border. "Do you have any fruits, vegetables, contraband or bombs in your car? ...No. Okay, drive on through."
- They are linked to 9/11. You don't even have to say how or why. Just say it enough and most Americans will believe it.
- We need to get in there and liberate Quebec. They have so much disdain for the rest of their country, they would welcome us with open arms, just like the Iraqis did. And they surely wouldn't mind us hanging out for several years eating their croissants and cheese.
- It's our destiny. Our Manifest Destiny. We went all the way to the west coast. Now, let's go all the way up to the North Pole. It's what God would want. He told me so and I'm sure he'll whisper it in your ear, too, if you want him to.
There are also several advantages to invading Canada. People will forget about Iraq very quickly. The travel expenses are next to nothing. We can sneak a lot of troops in there with covers like; "Just checking the pipeline," "Just shooting a movie that's supposed to take place in the U.S.," or "Just walking to Fairbanks. Nice day, eh?". And you want to spice up that failed immigration bill? Mandatory two-year military service (renewable at the government's will, of course). What war hawking politician wouldn't drool over that? Besides, Canada would love it! Everyone knows they have a bit of a self-esteem issue on the world stage, often coming across like our dorky little brother. It would make them feel important.
Good luck, Mr. President.
Your Friend in Christ,