Written by Joe Janes
1/27/09
9 of 365
CAST:
Louis, 50s
Mannie, 50s
Tobey, 60s
(Lights up on a dive bar. Louis, a little stocky, is restocking bottles of beer into a cooler. The Buscemi-like Mannie sits at the end of the bar nursing a beer. A bar stool or two down from him is Tobey, who wears her graying hair up in a beehive. It’s present day, but if you went by the way they were dressed you might think they were a few decades behind.)
LOUIS
Sure are nursing the hell out of that beer, Mannie.MANNIE
Yep. Yep. I guess I am.TOBEY
Wants to make sure he tastes every drop, right, Mannie?MANNIE
Ha. That’s a funny one, Tobey.TOBEY
Who can blame him since you raised your prices a buck?LOUIS
Hey, times are tough. And I ain’t raised my prices in ten years. I was due.MANNIE
Sure. Sure. You was due. No one can blame you. My wife is blaming you. She’s pissed.LOUIS
I raise my prices and Estelle is pissed. Estelle never steps foot in here.MANNIE
I know. I know. Women, right?TOBEY
Estelle controls the purse strings.MANNIE
I have a weekly beer budget.LOUIS
The old lady put you on a monthly beer budget? Ain’t that something? I feel honored that my bar is a budget item.MANNIE
Yeah, that’s something. It is. Thing is, your prices went up at exactly the same time my beer budget went down.TOBEY
Estelle cut your beer bucks? No way.MANNIE
20% budget cut all across the board. We have to pay less on everything. Groceries, movies, cable, prescription medicine. Everything.LOUIS
Pains me to hear that, Mannie. You didn’t hear it from me, but you drinking less, probably a good thing.MANNIE
I getcha. I getcha. (Finishes beer) How much do I owe you?LOUIS
Four bucks.MANNIE
Okay. Okay. Um, here. (Mannie lays down three one-dollar bills and a coupon-looking piece of paper)
TOBEY
What the hell is that?MANNIE
It’s money.LOUIS
No, it ain’t.MANNIE
It’s as good as money.LOUIS
“Good for one hug.” This a joke?MANNIE
I’m good for it, Louis. (Pause) Just hear me out.LOUIS
I listen better with money in my hand.MANNIE
If I pay you another dollar, a real dollar, I won’t be able to tip or pay for another beer.LOUIS
You’re really making me cry, here, Mannie.MANNIE
If I can’t pay for another beer, then I have to go home. Don’t make me go home, Louis. To Estelle. To the TV. To the…talking. LOUIS
And you think a hug from you is worth a dollar? The bank don’t take hugs.MANNIE
Well, if you don’t want a hug. I have other things. (Flips through coupons) 10-Minute back rub, foot massage, a big smooch-LOUIS (snatching stack)
What the hell are these?MANNIE
My money!LOUIS
It ain’t money. (Reads one) They’re “love” coupons.TOBEY
Love coupons?
Love coupons?
MANNIE
I bought ‘em for Estelle a few years ago on A Valentine’s Day. To spice up our marriage. Didn’t work, but I thought they might make for good barter.LOUIS
This is what you bring to barter?MANNIE
Had to be something Estelle wouldn’t miss. She won’t miss these.TOBEY
They’re sweet. Estelle didn’t use any?MANNIE
She used one. “Romantic Dinner for Two.” She made me take her to Olive Garden.TOBEY (sincerely)
The gal’s got class.LOUIS
A relaxing bubble bath?MANNIE
Sure, why not? You come over and I’ll make you a bubble bath. Nice one. Hot, but not too hot. Estelle’s got these things called bath bombs. They’re fizzy.LOUIS
If I wanted to take a bubble bath, I’d do it at home.TOBEY
Really?LOUIS
Well, you know, I’d have to clean the tub first. Maybe use laundry detergent for the bubbles.TOBEY
Let me see that one…(Louis hands Tobey one). Louis, I would like to buy this one from you for one dollar.LOUIS
Make it a buck fifty. TOBEY (rolling eyes)
Fine. (She pays him)
MANNIE
Thanks, Tobey.TOBEY
Shut up and give me a hug, Mannie. (Mannie walks over to Tobey. She hands him the coupon and he hugs her in a very tender, non-sexual way. Both are moved by this.) That was worth a buck fifty, Louis. You should try one.MANNIE
When was the last time anyone gave you a hug, Louis?LOUIS
Never you mind.MANNIE
Can I get another beer?LOUIS
Only if you pay first. (Mannie counts out four dollars on the bar. Louis pushes one of the dollars back and picks up one of the coupons. He pours Mannie a beer) Been a long time since I had a hug. Been even longer since I had a foot massage.(Lights fade)
