Monday, June 18, 2007

An Important Message for Today's Youth

Ah, sweet, sweet youth!

The aliveness, the energy, the passion, the hope for a better tomorrow.

I have just one important thing to say to the youth of America.

It's an important message that I hope you will carry in your hearts, always.

Pull up your pants.

Really. Please. Pull up your goddamn pants. I have no desire to see your underwear. Even less of a desire to see your butt cleavage.

I'm all for freedom of expression in its many forms, but, no, really, I don't want to or need to, see your ass. Who are you emulating with this? Union plumbers? When did that become hip?

I have heard it emulates ill-fitting prison attire. That's cool? Isn't it just less of an obstacle for a good ass-tapping?

Are you carrying something back there? Extra pencils for school? Loose change? Maybe that's it. Fanny packs did go out of fashion a decade ago. Maybe longer. I got the memo late.

Is it a gang thing? I can't imagine baggy pants being very beneficial when it comes to running away from cops. You're either going to trip with them around your ankles or run while holding them up with one hand. Neither will look good on COPS.

Is there a message I'm not getting? When I was in high school, tight clothes were in. I never quite got that, either. I think it was so blind people could enjoy disco fashions, too, by reading your pants like Braille.

I'm sorry it's come to this. Some towns are even outlawing baggy pants.

DELCAMBRE, La. (AP) - Sag your britches somewhere else, this Cajun-country town has decided.

Mayor Carol Broussard said he would sign an ordinance the town council approved this week setting penalties of up to six months in jail and a $500 fine for being caught in pants that show undergarments or certain parts of the body.

Broussard said he has nothing against saggy pants but thinks people who wear them should use discretion. "It's gotten way out of hand out here," he said.

"I don't know if it will do any good, but it won't hurt," Albert Roy, the councilman who introduced the ordinance, said. "It's obvious, and anybody with common sense can see your parts when you wear sagging pants."

Broussard's advice for people who like their pants to hang low: "Just wear it properly. Cover your vital parts. I mean, if you expose your private parts, you'll get a fine. If you walk up and your pants drop, you get a fine. They're better off taking the pants off and just wearing a dress."

Six months in jail AND a $500 fine!?!

You heard them America! Cover up your vital parts!Pull up your pants, today, or you could look like this, tomorrow....

Oh, dear God. I'm becoming Andy Rooney.