Thursday, October 18, 2007

World War Three-peat!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for us to export a can of good ol' American whoop-ass to Iran.

Is it because of their nuclear program? No. They are idiots in this area. It's taking them for freakin' ever. If anything, we need to get in there and blow them up before they do it themselves.

Is it because their president is out-of-touch, ill-informed and a war-mongering idiot? Gosh, if that were a good enough reason, I'd be writing this from my bunker in an undisclosed location.

Is it because the people of Iran are calling out to the U.S. to spread democracy to another oil-laden country? Just like the people in Iraq so loudly did? Now, folks,calm down. It's not about the oil or spreading democracy like it's Nutella. This is a war on terror, not oppressed gas stations.

It's about geography. Our president-in-chief may only have been a "C" student, but that doesn't mean he's never looked at a map. We are presently fighting valiantly in two countries - Iraq and Afghanistan. Guess who is smack dab in the middle of the two? Check the map above. We need to invade Iran so we can bridge the two. Right now, it's like having a war in Ohio and Tennessee and having to walk around those jerks in Kentucky every time you need to move some tanks around. It slows things down. Kills the momentum. Having Iran join the party takes what looks like three messy little separate wars and makes them into one big tidy one.

But if you are one of those pansies worried about the blood shed of the innocent. I have a modest proposal. We are essentially working on a United States of the Middle East and as much as we'd like to just kill them all (apparently, some countries we work with a lot don't like this idea - damn you France and Germany and England!), we'll need to either rebuild their countries or find them new homes.

Is there a way to avoid battle? Yeah, probably. If we must.

In land mass, Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan are roughly the same size as California, Alaska and Texas. I say we make a trade. Swap all the people in California with all the people in Iraq. They'll think they are getting a great deal with all that ocean front property that's about to break off at the fault lines. Hollywood gets a place with perennial sunshine for their movie-makings. Iranians will jump at the chance to cool off in Alaska while Alaskans will jump at the chance to warm their bones in Iran. Afghanistan and Texas are an even trade.


Now, that Soiree Dada has wrapped up, I'm back in full-force at the Robowriters Meetings. Bring your scenes to work on or just come to get motivated and have a few laughs. Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, at 6:30pm. $5 (cheap!)


Yesterday, I asked...

"A six-year-old girl playing on the sidewalk in New York was cited by police for what?"

32% answered "Soliciting"
- Hey, now! This ain't Taxi Driver.

22% picked "Drug Pushing"
- A six-year-old pushing drugs? Yeah. Those red Barney Rubbles can bring in a wad of cash.

11% thought "Vandalism"
- She starts fires with her mind!

35% got the right answer "Graffiti"

According to The Brooklyn Paper, six-year-old Natalie Shea got a threatening letter from the city demanding the removal of “graffiti” she drew with chalk — with chalk! — on her front step. She is facing a $300 fine from the city. She may have to resort to selling drugs or her body to cover the costs. Here's a picture of her at the scene of the crime with the warning letter.

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