Written by Joe Janes
9/12/09
237 of 365
CAST
Gary, 40s
Kelly, 40s
(Lights up on Gary and Kelly in Kelly’s living room. Kelly sits looking sad, Gary has his back turned and is looking out the window.)
GARY
I hope you understand, Kelly. I’m really not very good at this part. I never know what to say and I always feel like I’m being such a, whatever. But I have to be honest with my feelings. I think you’re great. I like everything about you. But I think it would be a good idea for us to move on and date other people. I hope you understand. (He turns and faces her.) I just don’t feel the same way about you as you do me.
GARY
Yes. I’ve thought about it long and hard.
KELLY
I can tell.
GARY
It’s what I think is best for us. It’s what I want to do.
KELLY
Um, Gary.
GARY
Yes?
KELLY
Then why do you have a boner?
GARY
Oh, geesh!
(He quickly sits and puts his jacket over his lap.)
GARY (continuing)
What the hell, Kelly? When were you going to tell me?
KELLY
I just noticed. And don’t snap at me. You’re the one sporting wood while breaking up with me.
GARY
This is so embarrassing.
KELLY
Are you sure you want to break up with me?
GARY
You know what I mean.
KELLY
Sure, sure. It happens. I’m more into you than you are into me. It sucks, but it happens.
GARY
Exactly.
KELLY
Except, I’m not the one with the boner.
GARY
I don’t know why it’s doing that.
KELLY
Maybe you don’t really know how you feel.
GARY
I’m sure. I’m sure. I’m pretty sure.
KELLY
Your body seems…conflicted.
GARY
My penis apparently missed the meeting I was having with my brain about this.
KELLY
Did you take some Viagra?
GARY
You know I don’t do that. Or need to.
KELLY
Well, if you’re still breaking up with me, then, I guess you should go.
GARY
Do you mind if I sit for a moment?
KELLY
I’m going to bed. If we were still a couple and you wanted to do something about your situation, I’d stay up.
GARY
Could we reschedule our break-up for tomorrow?
KELLY
I work tomorrow.
GARY
I could break-up with you before you leave.
KELLY
Sleep with me and then break up with me. Tacky.
GARY
You’re right. Well, um…(looks under jacket) Wish I didn’t have to take the train home.
KELLY
I could call you a cab.
GARY
I still have to get from here to the cab in the street. (Looks at watch) I should have broken up with you later. (Takes a few deep breaths.)
KELLY
What are you doing?
GARY
Trying to relax.
KELLY
Is it working?
GARY
I think I made it worse. I shouldn’t wear boxers. That’s what it is. This always happens when I wear boxers. Too loose and rubby.
KELLY
Gary. (She gets up.) I’m going to bed. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. Let yourself out when you’re ready. I hope you and your penis have a nice life together.
(She exits.)
GARY
I’m not dating my penis!
(Lights fade.)
