Written by Joe Janes
1/10/10
357 of 356
Cast:
Gretchen, 20s
Tyler, 20s
Steffen, 20s
Crew Member, 50s
(Lights up on the stylishly and sportily dressed Tyler and Gretchen in the worlds smallest sailboat. Gretchen is at the bow and Tyler is at the stern operating the rudder and controlling the main sail. )
TYLER
Duck.
(Gretchen ducks as Tyler repositions the sail.)
GRETCHEN
Such a lovely day.
TYLER
Yes, it is, Gretchen. The weather is cooperating nicely. A wonderful opportunity to show you what the “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” can really do on the open sea.
GRETCHEN
It’s Lake Erie.
TYLER
Duck.
(She ducks as the sail shifts over her.)
GRETCHEN
Did you spell pi p-i for some mathematical reason?
TYLER (looking at the bow of his boat)
No. I ran out of room for the “e.”
GRETCHEN (waving)
Oh, look, there’s Steffen and his yacht.
TYLER
Humpf. A real sailor would actually sail his own boat. Not shout commands to a crew from the safety of his steering wheel while sipping a mojito. Wake!
(For a few moments, their boat rocks dramatically until it settles.)
GRETCHEN
I think I might be sick.
TYLER
Take deep breaths. And aim for the water.
GRETCHEN
I have to. There’s not enough room in here for my vomit.
(She takes deep breaths.)
TYLER
Feel better, Love?
GRETCHEN
Yes. I feel better. Tyler, when you told me you had a boat, I thought you meant something else.
TYLER
Something else? This is a boat.
GRETCHEN
I thought it was a dinghy. But it isn’t, is it? This is your boat.
TYLER
Why, yes, Gretchen. I inherited this vessel from my father who got it from his father. “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” is a family treasure.
GRETCHEN
When you said you had a boat, I thought you meant a yacht, like Steffen’s.
TYLER
Oh, I see. You’re disappointed.
GRETCHEN
A little. I wanted to lie out on the deck in the sun.
TYLER
You can still lie out.
GRETCHEN
I would have to straddle the mast and hook my ankles over your shoulders.
TYLER
I am all right with that.
GRETCHEN
Could we just head back to shore? I’m not feeling so well.
TYLER
Fine. Sure thing. Duck.
(She ducks.)
GRETCHEN
We’re not turning.
TYLER
Gretchen, this is a sailing ship. She takes time. She’s in a dance with the wind and my commands. She’ll turn when she’s ready. Oh, crap, here comes Steffen, again. Wake.
(The boat rocks dramatically as Steffen, in a much larger boat, pulls up along side Tyler boat.)
STEFFEN
Ahoy! Are you two lovebirds in distress?
TYLER
No, Steffen, we’re not in distress.
STEFFEN
Oh. I just assumed your ship sank and this was some kind of life preserver.
TYLER
Well, it isn’t. This is “Tyler’s Piece of Pi.” My sailboat.
(Steffen laughs.)
STEFFEN
You had me going. Seriously, come on board and we’ll take you to shore.
GRETCHEN
We should go, Tyler. It will take us forever to get back in this thing.
TYLER
A captain does not abandon his ship.
STEFFEN
Bring it with you, then. There’s plenty of room. Or let us throw you a line and we can tow you in. Here you go, Gretchen!
(Steffen snaps his fingers and a crewmember tosses her a line. She grabs it and wraps it around a hook in the bow of the boat.)
GRETCHEN
Thanks, Steffen.
STEFFEN
No problem, Sugar Buns. See you back at shore.
(Steffen and his large boat pull away. The rope tightens as they feel the pull of the boat. She and Tyler are now being pulled. Tyler takes down the sail.)
TYLER
Well, this is completely and utterly humiliating.
GRETCHEN
It wouldn’t be so humiliating if you had a bigger boat.
TYLER
I have what I have, Gretchen. If it’s not good enough for you-
GRETCHEN
It’s not.
TYLER
Then you can just- it’s not?
GRETCHEN
No. It’s not. You’re not. Look, Tyler, I gave it a shot. I don’t see this working out at all. If you want someone who will be happy with you, find someone who is one – smaller and two- more easily impressed.
TYLER
Oh. You’d rather be with Steffen.
GRETCHEN
Steffen’s a douche, but I like his boat. I’m willing to make compromises.
TYLER
You know, you’re not such a great catch, either Gretchen. You’re shallow and wear too many smelly products. It’s like a Mary Kaye suicide bomber exploded in your jumper.
GRETCHEN
I’ll be out of your mullet soon enough.
TYLER
I can’t wait. If you want a ride on Steffen’s boat, you’ll have to swim after it.
(Tyler cuts the rope.)
GRETCHEN
Dammit, Tyler. (She jumps overboard and swims off.) Steffen! Steffen!
(Tyler walks forward and addresses the audience.)
TYLER
I shouldn’t have doe that. No matter how I felt. It was an unsafe thing to do.
(Steffen walks out and addresses the audience.)
STEFFEN
Gretchen never made it to my boat.
TYLER
She was swallowed by a whale.
STEFFEN
In Lake Erie.
TYLER
A rare fresh water whale.
STEFFEN
Which also ate Tyler’s boat.
TYLER
But not me. I jumped out in time and caught a lift from Steffen.
(They hold hands. Lights go down on them and up on Gretchen inside the boat inside the whale’s stomach.)
GRETCHEN
This whale is way too small.
(Blackout.)
