I'm a little disappointed that I haven't heard back from Beniak Joe or his secretary Ikwu about the cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars that they owe me. This is very upsetting as I already started pricing Hummers at CarMax.
Fortunately, my stellar reputation as an upright businessman knows no international boundaries. This is for even more than what Beniak Joe is going to give me. If they both come through, my head will explode and then I will pay a team of scientists cash from my pocket to rebuild it and re-attach it. I found this e-mail in my "in box" this morning...
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS
FROM DESK OF:
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIAATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR,IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT.CONTRACT #:MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009
From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria, your name and company was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding contractors who have not yet received their payments.I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract payment is US$25,500,000.00 (Twenty Five Million Five hundred Thousand United States Dollars).Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:
1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift codeAs soon as this information is received, your payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wired to your nominated bank account directly from Central Bank of Nigeria.
You can email me on my private box at; email@example.com as soon as you receive this letter for more clarification or call my private line. +234-802-356-0936 now.REGARDSProf. Charles Soludo.
Central Bank of Nigeria [CBN]
DIRCT LINE -234-802-356-0936.WARNING!!!**THIS COMMUNICATION (INCLUDING ANY ATTACHMENTS) IS INTENDED FOR THE USE OF THE INTENDED RECIPIENT (S) ONLY AND MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT IS CONFIDENTIAL, PRIVILEGED OR LEGALLY PROTECTED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OR DISSEMINATION OF THIS COMMUNICATION OR IN PART IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION IN ERROR, PLEASE IMMEDIATELY NOTIFY THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA BY RETURN E-MAIL MESSAGE AND DELETE ALL COPIES OF THE ORIGINAL COMMUNICATION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. ***? 2007. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (NIGERIA APEX BANK)
Dear Executive Governor,
I was so excited to receive your e-mail and to find I am due 25, 500, 000.00 U.S. dollars by the Central Bank of Nigeria. Here is the information you requested. I anxiously await your response.
1) Your full name - Joseph Tiberius Janes
2) Phone, fax and mobile #. - I have no fax number and my home phone and cell phone are the same. It's 1-312-588-2300
3) Company name, position and address - Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago, artistic director, 1065 West Hollywood Ave, apt. 1-N, Chicago, IL 60660 (I work out of my apartment)
4) Profession, age and marital status - Teacher, 46, single, but living with my hot Asian girlfriend
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code - I bank at TCF, which is in a grocery store. The address is Jewel-Osco, 5343 N Broadway St, Chicago, IL 60640. I don't have the other information handy, but would prefer a check to direct deposit anyway. If you need me to hold one to it for a little bit to make sure it clears, no problem. I understand, believe me!
Yours in Christ,
Keep your fingers crossed, everybody! I don't know how long it will be for them to send a check from Nigeria, but as soon as it comes in, we're all going to Six Flags! With enough of us, I'm sure we can get some kind of discount.
For next week's assignment, you'll need to channel your darker side. I love dark comedy and don't consider anything sacred or off limits. The topics or issues themselves may not be inherently funny, but we're all humans and where there's humans there's humor.
To gear you up for it, write a list of ten things you think are absolutely not funny nor should ever be poked fun of. Here's mine...
2) child abuse
5) old age
6) cruelty to animals
7) religious beliefs
9) sexual predators
10) racial stereotypes
The next step is to take one of the items on your list and do another list of situations - real, imagined, from your own experience, from people you know - where the issue comes into play.
Last night at RoboWriters, David Devries made a list using "Abortion." Here's a sample of his list paraphrased and partially made-up as I'm going by memory.
1) a girl tells her boyfriend she's pregnant
2) a girl tells her parents she's pregnant
3) a woman tells her husband that she recently had an abortion
4) a couple trying to have a baby run into a friend on her way to have an abortion
5) Two rabid anti-abortion protesters hook up and the girl gets pregnant and one of them wants it aborted
Now, the tricky part... make it funny. Some of these have potential for humor just because of the irony of the situation. For others, you may have to apply some comic techniques. Here are some examples...
- Turn the tables - The anti-abortion protesters are already in this predicament.
- Inappropriate Response - A couple tells one of their sets of parents that they are pregnant. The soon-to-be grandparents try to convince them to have an abortion. Either they don't think the baby would turn out right or they just aren't ready to be grandparents and can't handle it.
- Clash of Context - Instead of a Baby Shower, a woman holds an Abortion Shower to celebrate her devotion to non-motherhood. Gifts could be things like thongs.
It's a challenging assignment. It's hard to ride that line between just being a little sick and being repulsive. But it's good to experience where the line is drawn for you.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
" Yu Zhenhuan is campaigning to be one of the celebrities to carry the torch at the 2008 Olympics in China. His claim to fame is what?"
The blogspot poll service wasn't working, so I don't know what you picked. I will assume you all picked the correct answer because y ou are all so damn smart. The possible answers were...
"He started China's first porn website."
Nope. Nudity doesn't exist in the government's eyes in China.
"He's that guy that stood in front of that tank."
Not this one, either. No one seems to know for sure who that guy was. And China would prefer to keep it that way.
"He's the best basketball player to ever come out of China."
If that were the case, the NBA would have drafted him out of elementary school.
"He has hair over 96% of his body."
According to The Times, China's hairiest man, who goes by the nickname "King Kong," wants to carry the Olympic torch. China hasn't said "no" to his request as they are still considering all applications. Sure, this man was born to carry a torch. While also carrying a spear and hunting for matodon. I don't know how I feel about it, except to say that there's nothing quite as repelling as the smell of burnt hair. He'll have to agree to wearing an asbestos jumpsuit.