Written by Joe Janes
9/29/09
254 of 365
CAST
Caitlin, 6
Barbara, 30s
Beau, 30s
Unicorn
(Lights up on the Beagle family singing happy birthday to six-year-old Caitlin Beagle. Caitlin makes a wish and blows out the candles on her cake. Everyone cheers. Beau hands her a present.)
BEAU
I bet I know what my little princess wished for.
CAITLIN
Is it in there?
BEAU
Better open it and find out.
(She opens it and pulls out a small stuffed unicorn. She looks disappointed.)
BARBARA
What’s the matter, Caitlin? I thought you wanted a unicorn.
CAITLIN
I wanted a real unicorn.
BARBARA
Honey, unicorns aren’t real.
CAITLIN
Daddy said they were.
BARABRA
Beau.
BEAU
I told her I’d look into it. And I did, princess. Daddy looked into getting you a real unicorn.
BARBARA (through her teeth)
After all the bullshit we went through with the Tooth Fairy, how could you do this? (To Caitlin) Honey, you remember the conversation we had about the tooth fairy?
CAITLIN
Yes, Mommy.
BARBARA
And about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and grandpa’s good friend Jack Daniels.
CAITLIN
None of them are real, but Daddy said he’d get me a unicorn. A for real one.
BARBARA
Daddy sometimes says things he doesn’t mean because he loves you so much.
BEAU
Barbara…I found one. I did. A guy at work knew a guy who knew a guy who put a used one up on Craig’s List.
CAITLIN
You got me one, Daddy?
BEAU
Yes, sweetheart. But, I’m going to take it back. It’s real sick or something.
BARBARA
Beau, we need to tell her the truth. Like we said we would do.
BEAU
It’s the truth, Barbara. I swear. This thing’s real, but, man, there’s something wrong.
CAITLIN
I want to see my unicorn.
BEAU
I’ll go get it. It’s in the garage. But, Caitlin, sweetie, really, don’t get attached. We’re going to take it back.
(He exits.)
BARBARA
I don’t know what daddy’s pulling here, Caitlin.
CAITLIN
He said he would get me a unicorn and he did. I love my daddy. Don’t you love Daddy, Mommy?
BARBARA
Sometimes. (She catches herself) And by that I mean all the time, yeah!
(Beau re-enters holding a reign.)
BEAU
Okay, Caitlin. Now, don’t get too close. Like I said, there’s something wrong with it. It’s sick or something.
(Beau walks the unicorn in. It is the most un-unicorn looking man in a white wig, dirty white leotard and tights with a horn and tail. It is a unicorn, but, man, it is not pretty.)
CAITLIN
Yeah!
BARBARA
What the hell?
BEAU
Don’t get too close, Caitlin.
(The unicorn looks around. It looks like a strung out drug addict.)
CAITLIN
I’m going to give it a great big hug!
(Caitlin runs up to him and hugs him. The unicorn coughs.)
BEAU
Okay, okay, but be careful. Don’t squeeze too hard. Stuff comes out of it.
BARBARA
Like what? Oh, dear God. (While Caitlin is enjoying her hug, Barbara and Beau catch wind of some noxious unicorn gas.)
BEAU
You see. He’s sick. It’s a bad, smelly, goopy unicorn.
BARBARA
You should take him to the vet’s.
BEAU
I did. He told me there’s nothing he can do. It’s one old, sick dying unicorn. But it’s the only one I could find. The guy I bought it from said he was taking good care of it. Feeding it oats and hay.
CAITLIN
That’s silly. Unicorns don’t eat oats and hay.
BEAU
What do unicorns eat, Caitlin?
CAITLIN
Marshmallows and rainbows.
(The unicorn perks up when he hears this.)
CAITLIN
See. He likes it. I’m going to call him Abraham Lincoln.
BEAU
I’ll go get some marshmallows.
(He exits. Caitlin continues to hug the sickly unicorn who spits up on the carpet.)
BARBARA
Honey, make sure you wash your hands. (The unicorn starts licking Caitlin’s head.) And your skull.
(Beau rushes back in and puts a bag of marshmallows up to the unicorn who starts to enthusiastically eat them like oats from a feedbag.)
CAITLIN
You see, you see. He’s all better. Can we keep him? Can we keep him?
BARBARA
I guess. But he’ll have to stay in the garage. (To Beau) She does seem happy.
BEAU
Yeah. For now. The vet told me something else. He has unicorn aids.
CAITLIN (hugging the unicorn)
I love you, Abraham Lincoln!
BARBARA
We’ll put him down tomorrow.
BEAU
And tell Caitlin he went to stay on a big farm?
(They do a small fist bump while watching Caitlin enjoys her unicorn. The unicorn coughs up a little blood. Lights fade.)
