Week 33, Day 230 - “By Any Other Name"

“By Any Other Name”

Written by Joe Janes

9/5/09

230 of 365

Cast

Melissa, 30s

Joe, 30s

(Lights up on Joe and Melissa sitting in their living room. Joe is reading a book. Melissa is flipping through a magazine. Joe looks up. He’s about to speak to Melissa, but hesitates. He goes back to reading. He stops and looks at her quizzically. She feels his eyes on her and looks up.)

MELISSA

What?

JOE

Your name is Melissa.

MELISSA

Yep. It is.

JOE

I hardly ever call you that.

MELISSA

Sure you do.

JOE

No. I don’t.

MELISSA

You’ve said my name before.

JOE

Only when I have to. Like, in introductions. I’m just saying, I never say it in conversation with you. What do I say when I call you at work?

MELISSA

“Hey.”

JOE

I say “Hey.”

MELISSA

I know it’s you.

JOE

What did you say earlier when I walked in the door?

MELISSA

I said, “Hey.” Oh my God, I do it, too.

JOE

We have names.

MELISSA

We sure do. Why don’t we use them? We don’t even use pet names.

JOE

We say “honey.” Does “honey” count as a pet name?

MELISSA

No, that counts as a warning that one of us is about to condescend to the other. (Joe looks at her puzzled and then demonstrates…) Honey.

JOE

Wow – you’re right. That’s not a term of endearment at all.

MELISSA

It’s a term of asshole.

JOE

Well, I like your name. I’m going to use it more often. (Pause) Melissa.

MELISSA

Me, too. (Pause) Joe.

JOE

Melissa - Joe, Joe – Melissa.

MELISSA

How do you do, Joe?

JOE

I am fine, Melissa. It is lovely to meet you. Melissa.

MELISSA

The feeling is mutual, Joe. I like this. That sounds much better.

JOE

It’s like we’re people.

MELISSA

Yah. We’re somebody. Somebodies.

(They return to their reading, briefly.)

JOE

You have more syllables than I do.

MELISSA

I could call you Joseph.

JOE

You’d still have one more.

MELISSA

It’s just a name.

JOE

It’s just a name.

(They go back to reading.)

JOE

Hey – (Catches himself) Melissa. Can I call you Mel?

MELISSA

No.

(Blackout.)

Week 33, Day 229 - “A Fly On The Wall”

“A Fly On The Wall”

Written by Joe Janes

9/4/09

229 of 365

CAST

Mark, 40s

Fly, one week

Nancy, 40s

(Lights up on Mark. He is pacing quickly back and forth at a street corner. He hears the buzzing of a fly and swishes his hand around to drive it away. It works, but it comes back. He swishes his hand around again and the fly goes away. Mark stops and looks at his watch. The buzzing is heard again. This time the buzzing stops abruptly when the fly stops on his forearm. Mark is about to swat it, when…)

FLY (VO)

Hey, don’t do that!

MARK

What the hell? Did you just talk?

FLY (VO)

Yeah, man. Don’t smack me. I’m just a fly.

MARK

I’m sorry. I’m just so worked up. The last thing I need is a fly bothering me.

FLY (VO)

What’s up? Maybe I can help?

MARK

I doubt it. I think my wife is cheating on me.

FLY (VO)

Why do you think she’s cheating on you?

MARK

She just kicked me out of the house so she could have a few hours to herself. Right.

FLY (VO)

Sometimes people need that.

MARK

Sure they do, but nobody actually does it. Nobody kicks their spouse out of the house to do it. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in my own house.

FLY (VO)

I can arrange that.

(Lights suddenly shift and we hear a “poof” sound. Mark transforms into a fly and begins buzzing and fluttering his wings. Fly is now standing next to him.)

MARK

This is cool! I’m a fly like you.

FLY

Same size and everything. Let’s go spy on that ho of yours.

(Lights off on them as they fly off. Lights up on Nancy sitting and reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” She hears two flies buzzing. She walks over and closes the window and then returns to her chair and her book. The buzzing sounds stop as the flies land on the wall.)

FLY (VO)

There she is. Reading.

MARK (VO)

I was worried about nothing. She really did just want to be alone. Look at her. She’s so pretty. I can’t wait to tell her how much I love her.

(We hear buzzing as Mark flies from the wall.)

FLY (VO)

No, man, get back here. Don’t disturb her.

(The buzzing stops abruptly as Mark lands on her open book.)

MARK (VO)

Nancy, I-

(Nancy screams and slams the book shut. She slowly opens the book to look at the smushed remains. There’s a short buzz and she slams the book shut, again. It’s too gross for her. She throws the book into a trashcan and walks off.)

FLY (VO – sighs)

I try to help humans. I really should just stick to pooping on their food.

(Blackout)