Week 26, Day 180 - “Angry Cow”

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“Angry Cow”
Written by Joe Janes
7/17/09
180 of 365

CAST
Billy, 40s
Ray, 40s

(Lights up on Ray and Billy in Billy’s basement den. Billy is looking at his watch. Ray is holding a glass. There is a small keg on a table before them.)

BILLY

And…it…is…now…almost…there! Ready!

RAY

You’re going to be the next Sam Adams, Billy.

BILLY

We’ll see, Ray. We’ll see. Hand me your glass.

(Billy taps the small keg and pours Ray a glass.)

BILLY

Wait. Don’t sip it, yet.

(Billy takes another glass and pours himself some.)

RAY

Ah, yes. Please join me in a drink, Sir.

BILLY

It would be my pleasure, Sir. Let us gentle men partake of our handcrafted beer.

RAY

Life’s lubricant.

BILLY

The true vessel of humanity.

RAY

To your own brand – What do you call it?

BILLY

I christen thee, Angry Cow.

RAY

A fitting tribute.

BILLY

My ticket to beer stardom.

RAY

My ticket to free beer.

(They clink their glasses and sip.)

BILLY

Not bad.

RAY

Not bad, at all.

BILLY

Michelle said I needed a hobby.

RAY

A man must fill his time with goodly deeds.

BILLY

I thought watching television was a worthwhile endeavor.

RAY

It’s not like you turn it on just to fill the void.

BILLY

Nor do I flip. I am not a channel flipper. I know what I want to watch when I want to watch it.

RAY

That takes forethought. You are a man with a plan.

BILLY

But Michelle thinks watching TV is watching TV, period. It’s unproductive.

RAY

Unproductive? Then why do TV shows have producers?

BILLY

I wish I had thought of that.

RAY

Now, you make beer.

BILLY

I am now a producer of beer in my basement den. I saw a documentary on the Food Network and I thought, “I can do that.”

RAY

Take that, Michelle.

BILLY

Life is about finding those opportunities.

RAY

Have you called the bank, yet?

BILLY

No. How long does it take to get your wife’s name off your credit cards?

RAY

Took no time at all to take Julie’s name off my cards. You just have to call.

BILLY (pouring himself more beer)

I’ll call after this beer.

(They sip.)

RAY

Anything on TV?

BILLY

I don’t know. Turn it on and see.

RAY (picking up remote and clicking it)

Take that, Angry Cow.

(Lights fade.)

Week 26, Day 179 - “Never Been Ruffied”

“Never Been Ruffied”
Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)

CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s

(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)

WILLIAM

Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?

VALERIE

Oh, you know…

WILLIAM

What’s wrong, Valerie?

VALERIE

Blair didn’t come in to work today.

WILLIAM

Oh. Everything all right?

VALERIE

She got ruffied over the weekend.

WILLIAM

That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?

VALERIE

I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?

WILLIAM

Not really. In college, I heard about-

VALERIE

Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.

WILLIAM

It’s a fucked up world.

VALERIE

What’s wrong with me?

WILLIAM

Nothing. You’re perfect.

VALERIE

You’re just saying that because you love me.

WILLIAM

Sorry.

VALERIE

Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.

WILLIAM

Valerie…

VALERIE

Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.

WILLIAM

I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.

VALERIE

Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.

WILLIAM

I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.

VALERIE

You don’t know what it’s like.

WILLIAM

You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.

VALERIE

William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.

WILLIAM

Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.

VALERIE

Man or woman?

WILLIAM

Both. Same train ride.

VALERIE

I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.

WILLIAM

Would you like me to rub up against you?

VALERIE

You don’t count.

WILLIAM

Thanks.

VALERIE

I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.

WILLIAM

You really want something like that?

VALERIE

At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.

(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)

VALERIE (continuing)

That is so sweet.

(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)

HOMELESS GUY

It’s on me.

VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)

Ew!

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 178 - “Big Bother”

“Big Bother”
Written by Joe Janes
7/15/09
178 of 365

CAST
Christy, 20s
Susie, 12
Joey, 8
Bobby, 9
Derek, 15

(Lights up on a living room. Susie is coloring. Joey and Bobby are playing a video game. Hostess Christy Ronson stands to the side.)

CHRISTY

Welcome back. We have three contestants left. Susie, twelve, Joey and Bobby, both eight and nine. Packy, the family cat was eliminated last week after she and her kittens were unable to survive the laundry room “Trapped In A Dryer” Challenge. This week, the remaining siblings must survive the weekend under the care of Derek, the oldest son at 15 and de facto man of the house while the parents are away. Whoever makes it through the weekend with the least amount of penalties, gets to spend a week away from their big brother in a Holiday Inn Holidome two miles away. Let’s peek in via our hidden cameras on “Real Big Brother.”

(Derek, a big, lumbering teen walks in. He takes a controller away from Joey.)

DEREK

Give me that, Urethra Franklin.

JOEY

Hey!

SUSIE

You’re not supposed to use dirty words, Derek.

DEREK

Urethra’s not dirty. It’s in the dick-tionary. Who’s winning?

BOBBY

I am!

DEREK

Not any more.

(Derek gives Bobby titty twisters as they play. This obviously hurts Bobby who eventually messes up.)

DEREK

You’re dead! I win – again!

BOBBY

That’s not fair.

DEREK

You gonna cry, crybaby?

BOBBY

I’m just saying it’s not fair.

DEREK

Oh, boo-hoo. Poor little pouty baby.

SUSIE

You’re such a jerk, Derek.

DEREK

Shut up, Robert Downey Syndrome, Junior.

SUSIE

That’s not my name.

DEREK

It’s not? I’m sorry. I thought it was. What is your name?

SUSIE

Susie, jerk wad.

DEREK

Susie Jerkwad, glands to meet ya’!

JOEY

Can’t you just leave us alone?

DEREK

No, I can’t, fecal face. Because I’m in charge and we do what I say. Right now, you all have to (lifts the back of his shirt and sits down) scratch my back.

SUSIE

Ew!

BOBBY

You have zits on your back.

JOEY

There are more zits than back.

DEREK

Too bad, titmice. Get scratching, because who ever doesn’t do a good job, has to wear my jock strap on their head for the rest of the night. It’s a penal-ty.

(The three of them start scratching his back. There are a few unfortunate pops and pus sprays in the process.)

SUSIE (stops scratching)

I’m going to throw up.

DEREK

Looking at your face, I thought you already did. What about you two, Anus and Andy? How are you enjoying scratching my backside?

JOEY AND BOBBY (mumbling)

…Okay…

DEREK

Then, Susie. You get to wear my jockstrap on your head. Go ahead and fish it out of the dirty laundry.

SUSIE

I hate this game

(She exits.)

DEREK

Well, girls –

JOEY

We’re not girls.

DEREK

Well, then, men-strations. Time for some head-to-head challenges!

(Lights shift and Christy comes out.)

CHRISTY

After a series of grueling challenges, Joey and Bobby find some peaceful moments in the confessional room. Let’s listen in.

(Lights up on a visibly upset Joey cradling a crying Bobby in the confessional.)

JOEY

And then, he made us eat our own boogers. Till we ran out. Then he made us eat his boogers.

BOBBY

They were so huge! Like worms. How can a he have so much snot in his head? He’s not human.

JOEY

Then he pinned us and dribbled a string of drool into our faces and then sucked it back up at the last second.

BOBBY

Except the last one.

JOEY

Except the last one.

BOBBY

After he ate the Oreo cookie.

JOEY

That’s when Bobby snapped.

CHRISTY

The boys are having a rough time. Let’s bring Susie back into the picture. The game is too close to call. Let’s see how things play out in the deciding round.


(Bobby starts crying loudly and Joey tries to rock him and calm him down. Cut back to the living room with all of them together, including Susie with a jock strap on her head.)

DEREK

Okay, one final testicle for you munch bags. You’re going to like this one. It’s a donut-eating contest!

SUSIE

Really?

JOEY AND BOBBY

Yay!

DEREK

Yep. All the Hertz donuts you want.

JOEY

A Hertz donut?

(Derek punches Joey in the sack. He goes down to his knees in pain.)

DEREK

Hurts, don’ it?

(Cut back to Christy)

CHRISTY

The Hertz Donut Challenge – advantage, Susie. She ends up spending the week away from Derek. Joey was eliminated from the “Real Big Brother” competition due to a burst testicle. Next week, Susie and Bobby have to do Derek’s chores and steal their father’s credit card to buy porn on-line. And then there’s the final death challenge…

(Cut back to Derek)

DEREK

Okay, organ donors; get ready to eat my farts!

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 177 - "Alienation of Affection""

“Alienation of Affection”
Written by Joe Janes
7/14/09
177 of 365

CAST
Bernard, 40s
Phyllis, 40s
Noreen, 40s

(Lights up on Bernard wearing an 80’s-style yellow jumpsuit with shoulder pads. It is a bit snug on him, especially around the waist. He is setting a table for a romantic candle lit dinner. We hear a door close offstage.)

PHYLLIS (off)

Bernard?

BERNARD

In the dining room, Phyllis.

PHYLLIS

The dining room? (She stands in the doorway, wearing a woman’s business suit and carrying a bag stuffed with papers from work.) I forgot we had a dining room.

BERNARD

It’s a shame we never used it.

PHYLLIS

It smells like heaven in here.

BERNARD

That would be the eggplant parmesan.

PHYLLIS

Eggplant parm and what else?

BERNARD

Um, oh, my Axe Body Spray.

PHYLLIS

My favorite dish and my favorite dish. And I thought it was just going to be another boring Tuesday night.

BERNARD

Sit, Phyllis. Sit. Have some wine.

(Phyllis sits.)

PHYLLIS

Must say I could get used to this royal treatment, Bernard. What’s with the 80’s night?

BERNARD

This? It’s my uniform.

PHYLLIS

Bernard, you were wearing that the night we met in Dayton, Ohio.

BERNARD

So, I was.

PHYLLIS

Can’t believe you dragged that thing out of mothballs. I’m so glad my sister dragged me to that nightclub, though. Never thought I’d meet my future husband there. I tell my students that if they want to meet the love of their life, they better learn how to dance and hold their liquor.

BERNARD

Wise words for third graders to hear.

PHYLLIS

I think I smell a rat. You cheated on me.

BERNARD

What?

PHYLLIS

You did! You cheated on me. You wouldn’t act like this unless there was something wrong. There must be something very, very wrong. Who is she?

BERNARD

No one, Phyllis. No one. I didn’t cheat on you. You’re the only one on earth for me.

PHYLLIS

More wine. (Bernard pours her more wine.) So after twenty years of marriage, you just decide, out of the blue, to cook up a romantic evening for your wife.

BERNARD

Well, no. Not exactly. I have something to tell you.

PHYLLIS

I knew it.

BERNARD

I’m an alien.

(Phyllis looks serious for a moment and then laughs.)

BERNARD (continuing)

I return to my home planet in an hour. (Phyllis laughs some more.) The mother ship is almost in range to pick me up.

PHYLLIS

Stop, Bernard. I can’t eat if you keep making me laugh.

BERNARD

Phyllis. I mean it. You know how we’ve never been able to have kids?

PHYLLIS

Because of your low sperm count.

BERNARD

That’s just what I told you. It’s because my penis is actually a third arm. Very handy working the flonium mines on my planet. In my species, sexual organs are in the feet. For both genders.

PHYLLIS

So, every time I gave you a foot massage I was actually…

BERNARD

Oh, yeah. And it was very good.

PHYLLIS

Bernard. You’re putting me on. This eggplant parmesan is the best. Good job.

BERNARD

Phyllis, I need you to believe me. I’m leaving. For good. Forever.

PHYLLIS

Well, if you want to leave then just leave. You don’t have to make up all this spaceman bullshit. Be a man about it.

BERNARD

I can’t be a man about it. I’m not a man. I’m a Turlubian. From Turlubia. Several solar systems away.

PHYLLIS

Okay, fine. You’re a Turlubian. From Turlubia. What are you doing here? Why have you been Bernard, my husband, for the last twenty years?

BERNARD

I’ve been doing research. I was sent here to study you humans and your planet to help determine if Tulurbia will invade and take over or leave you alone.

PHYLLIS

And the verdict?

BERNARD

This is where human arrogance has worked in your favor. Your species has messed up the eco-system so badly with pollution and global warming that we don’t want it. It stinks. Your species will kill itself off in less than ten years.

PHYLLIS

You’re serious about this.

BERNARD

I am, Phyllis. But I wanted you to know, because, well, you were always more than just a research project for me. I love you.

PHYLLIS

Bernard… What’s your Turlubian name?

BERNARD

Bernard.

PHYLLIS

Oh. …Bernard, take me with you. If my species is going to die, take me with you. We can live on your planet.

BERNARD

Yeah, well, fine in theory. You know how your species has such an intense disregard for the environment? My species is the same way when it comes to racism. You would be taken away from me and forced into slavery.

PHYLLIS

But you pass for human. I could pass for Turlubian.

BERNARD

They would smell the difference. This isn’t Axe Body Spray. It’s my natural pheromones. And Turlubian women have their own distinct aroma. Much like spoiled milk, coffee and lemons.

PHYLLIS

Ew. That’s why they always hated your special orders at Starbucks.

BERNARD

They would probably make you one of the royal foot massagers. And the prince has a reputation for foot odor and bunions. It’s not pretty and I could not live knowing that you’ll die rubbing someone else’s feet.

PHYLLIS

But you’re fine with me dying here.

BERNARD

My wife is.

PHYLLIS

Your wife?

BERNARD

Did I not mention that? I’m married on my planet. How’s your eggplant?

PHYLLIS

I’m not so hungry any more. Please get to the part where you say “Just kidding!” That this is all a bad joke.

BERNARD

I wish I could. Phyllis (He picks her up from the chair.) Phyllis. Please let me just hold you one last time. (They hug. Noreen, a tall, David Bowie Ziggy Stardust-looking Amazon woman in a similar jumpsuit to Bernard’s stands in the doorway and clears her throat. Phyllis and Bernard separate) Noreen!

NOREEN

It’s time to go, Bernard.

BERNARD

Women are also the dominant gender on our planet.

NOREEN

Now!

BERNARD

Yes, dear!

(He quickly runs off but gives Phyllis a quick wave from behind Noreen who, to discipline him, stomps on his foot without looking. He yelps and exits. Noreen walks and stands face-to-face to Phyllis. They sniff each other and are both repulsed by what they smell.)

NOREEN

Keep your stinky planet.

(She starts to exits.)

PHYLLIS

Oh, yeah? Well, you have big, floppy feet!

NOREEN

Thank you.

(She exits. Phyllis sits and sadly takes another bite of eggplant.)

PHYLLIS

Damn, this is good.

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 176 - "Sunburn"

“Sunburn”
Written by Joe Janes
7/13/09
176 of 365

CAST:
Kyle, 30s
Nucci, 40s
Ray, 40s
Brenda, 30s
Matthew, 30s

(Lights up on a bowling team getting ready to bowl. Nucci and Matthew are putting on their shoes. Brenda is setting up the scoring. Ray is warming up with his bowling ball. Kyle enters.)

NUCCI

Hey, Kyle’s back!

KYLE

Hey, Tiny Pin Drops!

MATTHEW

How was the paid vacation?

KYLE

Two weeks of drinking pina coladas and lying in the sun. It was amazing. Got a sunburn on my back for a trophy, but I can live with that.

RAY

Hey, did you get laid?

KYLE

Only by your mom.

NUCCI

Oh, man.

KYLE

And she was sweet. Especially when she took out her teeth.

(Ray starts crying.)

KYLE

Hey, Ray, it was just a joke. I was just kidding. Your mom didn't really blow me.

BRENDA

Kyle. Ray’s mother passed away last week.

KYLE

Oh, shit. I didn’t know. Ray. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

RAY

Yeah, yeah. Um. It’s okay, Kyle. You didn’t know. Um. Look, guys. I’m going to go home. I just don’t feel like bowling, right now.

(Ray quickly exits.)

KYLE

I didn’t know.

MATTHEW

How could you? Not like we’re going to call you on the beach just to tell you Ray’s mom died. He’ll be okay.

KYLE

Wow.

NUCCI

I’m still up for bowling.

KYLE

Trying to get as many of those free nights in before you and Melinda tie the knot.

NUCCI (suddenly looking very solemn)

Melinda gave me the ring back. Happened a few days ago.

KYLE

I didn’t know, Nucci. That really sucks.

NUCCI

Yeah. She broke up with me at Ray’s mother’s funeral. Said it was a real eye opener for her. Didn’t see the point in spending the rest of her life with someone like me.

KYLE

That’s awful.

NUCCI

Um. Yeah.

KYLE

What a bitch.

NUCCI

I still love her. Hey, guys. That reminds me. I have to go home and burn some of the clothes she left behind and then mail them to her. I have to go.

(Nucci exits.)

KYLE

Jesus, I didn’t know. Look, is there anything else you two need to tell me? Tell me now before I show up at work tomorrow and you all give me the Asshole Co-Worker of the Year award.

BRENDA (tearing up)

Um. When you show up, I won’t be there. They laid me off. Yesterday. No severance pay. No more insurance for me and the baby. I- I don’t know what I’m going to do. Nobody’s hiring. I – I – I better go.

(Brenda quickly leaves. Matthew sits down next to Kyle.)

KYLE

Wow. I didn’t know. I guess I really messed up our bowling night.

MATTHEW

You sure did.

(Matthew slaps Kyle on the back.)

KYLE

Ow! I have a sunburn.

MATTHEW

I know.

(Blackout)

Week 25, Day 175 - “Those Who Can't”

“Those Who Can’t”
Written by Joe Janes
7/12/09
175 of 365

CAST
Nick, 30s
Ed, 50s

(Lights up on the small teachers lounge of an arts school. There is rag tag furniture about, including a worn out, well napped upon couch. A small refrigerator and a filthy coffee maker. There is a small table with mismatched chairs. Ed is sitting at a table smoking a cigarette. He looks pensive. Nick walks in. He sees Ed. Ed gives him a nod and flicks an ash into a can of Diet Coke. Nick looks at his watch.)

NICK

What’s wrong with this picture?

ED

I’ll put it out, if you want.

NICK

I don’t care. It’s the city that cares. That’s why they designated that corner on the third floor of the parking garage as a place for you and your ilk. You can’t miss it. It’s well marked by an ever-increasing pile of stubbed butts. Got another?

(Ed hands Nick a cigarette and gives him a light.)

ED

You have a class?

NICK

Tech rehearsal. Later. I’m early. I was already downtown and no place to go. You, however, have a class. You have a class every night of the week. This is practically a fulltime job for you.

ED

It is a fulltime job for me. For me.

NICK

So, who’s in there watching the kids?

ED

Probably nobody. It’s only ten after. Assuming the class is all there, they’ll either leave because of the mythical “ten minute rule” or start playing games on their own. Or, at least, the suck-ups will stick around and do that.

NICK

The office know you’re in here?

ED

Not unless one of the kids got a clue and told them.

NICK

They might get smart and pop their head in the teachers lounge to look for a teacher.

ED

Good point.

(Ed gets up and walks to the door. He closes it and deadbolts it. He sits back down.)

NICK

Do you want to take a photo of me holding today’s newspaper? Or would you rather I cut letters out of it for the ransom note?

ED

You can leave any time you want, Nick. I’m the one who’s stuck here.

NICK

Clever. I’m on to you.

ED

What?

NICK

Using tobacco to cover the smell of the scotch on your breath.

ED

I wish I had that to blame.

NICK

You’re still on the wagon?

ED

Well, clinging to the side, at least. It’s just me in here, Nick. Sober.

NICK

Then you need to take some time off. Get away from this shithole.

ED

Great idea. Except I only get paid when I work. Per class. A vacation means money going out and none coming in. A vacation for me would involve staying at home and not doing anything that involves the monetary system.

NICK

Ed, you’re a great teacher.

ED

No. I’m not.

NICK

Yes. You are. I had you as a teacher. Even when you were a drunk, you were a great teacher.

ED

Well, I’m not one anymore. A drunk or a great teacher.

NICK

Jesus, Ed. I’ve never seen you like this. I mean, I’ve seen you all crotchety and bitter, before. But this is… big.

ED

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of waiting for students to show up on time. I’m sick of fucking cell phones going off and fucking text messaging. I’m sick of looks of resentment when I ask people to get up and do some work. They fucking paid to be here and they act like I’m fucking kicking them in the kidney. They don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck.

NICK

What the fuck is that? These classes are expensive. I couldn’t even afford to be a student here.

ED

Maybe that’s the problem. The students who would appreciate it the most can’t afford to be here.

NICK

Yeah. Maybe.

ED

Or they only want to listen to you until they figure out you’re not their passport to fame and fortune.

NICK

You’re the dude who drilled into me the importance of craft.

ED

Nobody fucking cares about craft anymore.

NICK

I have a student who’s also taking classes at three other places. They’re a terror in class because their brain is collapsing around all the conflicting information.

ED

What’s the fucking hurry?

NICK

Exactly. It’s an art form. You study it. Not implant it.

ED

Fucking kids want the end result without doing the work. Without going through the process.

NICK

“Whoa - I know Kung Fu.”

ED

Guess I’m a relic. I don’t belong here.

NICK

I know that’s not true.

ED

Why?

NICK

Because you’re still here.

ED

Is that some Buddhist bullshit?

NICK

No. I mean, for a guy who wants to blow off a class, you’re maintaining an unusually close vicinity.

ED

Somewhere, somewhere I stopped following my dreams. MY dreams. I shifted from having teaching supplement my income to becoming my income. I don’t do plays anymore because I can’t afford to take the time off from teaching. When the hell did that happen?

NICK

Age 38.

ED

Was it?

NICK

Was for me. I don’t do “starving artist.” I do “eating, paying rent, needs to lose a few pounds artist.” Fifteen years out of college and I was still borrowing money from my parents. Done with that shit.

ED

Do you regret it?

NICK

Sometimes. I wonder what would have happened if I went to LA after college instead of coming here.

ED

I had friends who went out there when I went here.

NICK

Anyone make it big?

ED

No name you’d recognize. Nothing I bother to watch. It breaks my heart I can’t make a living in theater. You know JB?

NICK

The Smiley Window Guy?

ED

Yeah. The Smiley Window Guy. Great actor, too. The Smiley Window Guy gig pays his bills for him and his wife and baby. The last time I saw him on stage was in an Arthur Miller play four years ago. They had to mop the floor after every show because people cried so much. All the reviewers loved it. Loved him. He did that show for eight weeks. Four shows a week. How many of those shows do you think sold out?

(NICK shrugs.)

ED (continues)

Opening night and closing night. How much money do you think he made?

NICK

Dick. He made dick.

ED

Twenty-five dollars. Total. The producers split the profits among the cast and crew. Assuming they didn’t cancel any shows, that means he rehearsed for free and then got a pay bump up to $1.28 a show. This town sucks.

NICK

Great place to learn, bad place to make a living.

ED

He starts teaching here next term.

NICK

JB?

ED

Yeah. Can’t afford to be an actor anymore.

NICK

Look. I have my complaints, but this ain’t such a bad gig. I made a choice to be here. I see a kid do well or do better in my class, because of my class, it makes me feel good. I find myself rooting for them.

(Nick makes a pot of coffee. He reuses a filter full of coffee he fishes from the trash.)

ED

Christ, with what they charge for classes, you think they could afford to keep us jacked up on coffee.

NICK

What, and eat into the profit margin? That’s crazy talk.

ED

What the hell have I done? I feel like I’m waking up from a binge. Instead of booze, it’s been my life. My career. This is all I have. My savings are shit. No 401k. No insurance. If I don’t go in that classroom and go on autopilot, I may as well check in at the Hotel D’Transient with a bag full of dog biscuits.

NICK

Then you should go in there.

(Ed gets up and walks to the door. Nick pours a cup of coffee from a still dripping coffee maker. He holds out a cup to Ed.)

ED

I can’t. I’ve got nothing.

NICK

Have a cup of courage.

ED

I didn’t know courage smelled like ass.

(Ed takes the cup and unloads several sugar packets into it.)

NICK

A great teacher once told me, wisely, that it’s not about me.

ED

A great teacher?

NICK

Okay, some drunk. The point is, I don’t do it for me. I do it for the students. If you do it for the paycheck, you’re doing it for you and you’re not doing anyone, except for the bill collectors, any favors. That’s what keeps me teaching. Because, believe me, I forget it from time to time. I cry over a career that’s not where it’s “supposed” to be. Boo-hoo. So, what. The planet’s still spinning. If the best I have to aim for is making a difference with someone else, then, fuck it, that’s what I’ll aim for.

ED

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NICK

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

ED

You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. Hell, I wouldn’t even make it to the bed at night. Having to be somewhere helps. It helps a lot.

(There’s the sound of the door handle being turned and then a knock at the door.)

ED

You’re a good teacher, Nick.

NICK

Well, I had a good teacher who passed it on to me.

(There’s another knock at the door.)

ED

Hold your fucking horses!

(Ed turns and looks at Nick.)

NICK

Look. I could pick up the class for you. I could use the $100. You can stay in here and smoke your life away.

ED

Tempting offer. But I think you’re right.

NICK

I’m right about something?

(Ed turns and faces the door.)

ED

The answer’s not in here. It’s not in me. It’s out there. And I seriously have to get away from this coffee. How can you drink this shit?

NICK

I drink for the effect, not the taste.

ED

Right. I should have left on that “it’s out there” line. That would have been better.

NICK

See. You’ve still got it. Pop in on my tech rehearsal, if you want. Shouldn’t take more than two hours.

ED

Good show?

NICK

Nope.

ED

Maybe I will, Ed. Maybe I will. Lights fade.

(Lights fade. Knocking continues.)

Week 25, Day 174 - “Wild Is The Wind”

“Wild Is The Wind”
Written by Joe Janes
7/11/09
174 of 365

CAST
Shackleton, 30s
Bigsby, 30s
Edmund, 30s
Marjorie, 30s

(We hear the sound of a cold, harsh, relentless wind. Lights come up on three men in parkas huddled together on the floor. They are in a small tent. Bigsby, the man in the middle, has a plain winter scarf wrapped around his eyes. He is flanked by Shackleton and Edmund. They surround a small lantern, which they have used to make tea. Shackleton tries to give Bigsby tea in a small metal cup. They all three speak with British dialects.)

SHACKLETON

Here, Bigsby. Here. Sip this. Slowly. It’s hot.

BIGSBY

Not hot enough, Sir. I wish it were hot enough to melt this dammed polar ice cap.

EDMUND (trying to warm his hands)

You would rather drown than freeze to death, Bigsby?

BIGSBY

Most certainly, Edmund. I would rather drown in warm water than just be another lump if ice under this Devil’s snow.

SHACKLETON

Enough of this talk of death, you two. I devote every ounce of energy and every conceivable breath towards making my way back home to England. One step at a time, if need be.

EDMUND

Aye. Even if it takes a hundred years.

SHACKLETON

Let’s hope it doesn’t take that long.

BIGSBY

Sir, thank you for the tea. But I must ask that you stop wasting what is left of our dwindling supplies on me.

SHACKLETON

You are a valued member of this expedition, Bigsby. Belay such talk.

EDMUND

He’s right, Sir.

SHACKLETON

Edmund!

EDMUND

He’s right! We have to face it. And thank the Lord you brought it up, Bigsby. We have used the same tea bag for a week.

BIGSBY

And we ran out of cream and sugar a month ago.

SHACKLETON

And what do you suggest, then, Bigsby?

BIGSBY

I am blinded from the snow. My feet are gangrened. You’ll make better progress if you simply-

EDMUND

Ate you?

BIGSBY

I meant just leave me behind.

EDMUND

But, you won’t have any need for your flesh. No need to let it go to waste.

SHACKLETON

Edmund. We are not going to eat our friend.

EDMUND

If it were me, I would let you eat me.

BIGSBY

You would not.

EDMUND

I would insist upon it.

SHACKLETON

No one is going to eat another man on my expedition. Is that clear?

EDMUND

Yes.

SHACKLETON

That’s better.

EDMUND

Unless you die before me.

SHACKLETON

Edmund!

EDMUND

Just being practical, Sir.

SHACKLETON

The whole point is moot.

BIGSBY

What do you mean?

SHACKLETON

I wasn’t going to tell either of you, but, since we’re alone here at the end of the earth, I may as well share the news with you.

EDMUND

Good news or bad news?

SHACKLETON

Bad. Very bad. Not only are we out of food, we are on our last drop of oil for the lamp. Soon we will have no more light or heat. On top of that, the compass is broken. We are hopelessly lost. For all I can tell, we’ve been traveling in circles.

BIGSBY

This could very well the last night of life for all of us.

EDMUND

I never thought it would end like this. Huddled together with two other men in a small tent, thousands of miles from my wife. If we are going to die, I prefer we die a respectable distance from one another.

SHACKLETON

We are the last bit of human contact you will ever have.

BIGSBY

Please take your hand off my leg, Sir.

SHECKLETON

Oh, sorry. Didn’t realize.

(The light of lantern fluctuates a few times before permanently going out. It is completely dark. )

SHACKLETON

I vowed to myself that some day I would go to the region of ice and snow and go on and on till I came to one of the poles of the earth, the end of the axis upon which this great round ball turns. We had seen God in His splendors, heard the text that Nature renders. We had reached the naked soul of man.

(From outside the tent, we see a flashlight. Whoever is carrying it, pulls back a tent flap and comes into the tent.)

MARJORIE

Bill? Are you guys calling it a night, already?

BIGSBY (pulling the scarf off his eyes, dropping his dialect)

Oh, no, Marjorie. The lantern just ran out of fuel, is all. We have flashlights. (All three of them pull out flashlights.)

EDMUND (dropped dialect)

Evening, Marjorie.

MARJORIE

Hi, Ted.

SHACKLETON (dropped dialect)

Chilly out tonight.

MARJORIE

I was thinking the same thing, Phil. So, I brought you guys some s’mores.

(They all three cheer!)

BIGSBY

Oh, but what will we heat them with? Raw s’mores suck.

MARJORIE

Not to worry. I brought out the electric hot plate and a pan. I ran an extension cord from the garage.

(Edmund takes the hot plate and pan and starts making s’mores.)

BIGSBY

You’re the best, Marjorie.

MARJORIE

You boys have a good night. (She turns to leave) Oh, and the kids wanted me remind you that they want to play in the tent tomorrow, with it being Saturday and all.

SHACKLETON

No, problem. We clear out first thing in the morning.

MARJORIE

Okay, now. Have a nice expedition.

(She exits.)

BIGSBY (back to British dialect)

Those rations ready, Edmund? I’m starving!

(Blackout)