Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Kiss It

Today's post goes beyond the usual snarky commentary and addresses something very important to all of us - kissing.

In a relationship, it's a make or break deal. You can be a match all across the board, but if the parts don't fit right in a lip-lock, forget it. For me, the deal-breaker is kisses that are too sloppy and wet. I don't want to continuously pause the romance to put on a lobster bib or grab at paper towels.

Fortunately, Ronnie Koenig has compiled a list of tips on how to be a better kisser over at the website Tango. Generally, all pretty good tips with some being a matter of personal taste. For example, tip number one is Let Him Initiate. Aside from being sexist, confusing to homosexuals and not including lesbians, I don't agree with it. I think it depends on the situation.

Here are the only absolute times when a man should initiate a kiss...

- When the woman is bound and gagged. A woman, particularly a gagged woman, might not think you are interested in a kiss and will likely shy away from offering one. Here, it makes for an important romantic gesture that tells your partner you're interested in more than just degrading her. I find an open mouth kiss helpful in negotiating around a ball gag. (side note: If you are a man and you are the one bound and gagged - do not initiate a kiss. Good rule of thumb: The person with the riding crop and nipple clamps decides what gets kissed and when.)

- At the end of a job interview. If the person interviewing me for a position is a woman, I will always end with a big smooch. I think this shows confidence and a definite interest in working for the company.

- At a funeral. A widow has just lost her husband and needs reassurance that she's still attractive and that life will go on. Nothing says this better than a lively tongue down a grieving throat.

Other than these situations, ladies, if you want a kiss, go for it. Guys are dumb. We don't always read the signs. We still may not get it after you grab us and plant one on us.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Victor Rodriguez of Bridgeport, Connecticut is under arrest after doing what?"

40% said "Scaring drive-thru workers with his pet python"
- These people have seen everything. I doubt they'd give it a second glance, unless he tried to pay for his meal with it.

40% said "Wearing only his pet python outdoors"
- Hmm, a py-thong?

No one said "Selling his pet python in an alley"

20% got it right with "Ordering his pet python to attack the police"

According to The Connecticut Post, officers dispatched to investigate a domestic complaint in Bridgeport were confronted by a man and his huge pet reptile, "and he was saying, 'Get them!' " according to Lt. James Viadero, the police spokesman.

Victor Rodriguez, 21, was allegedly threatening his girlfriend with the reptile and refused to open the door for the officers.

Not known for their attacking - or listening - skills, no one was attacked by the snake. Rodriguez was taken away in handcuffs. The snake managed to slip out of his shackles and is now considered to be on the slither.


Kate said...

Speaking as a woman who often wonders why she isn't kissed against her will more often, thank you for making this useful information available. I look forward to far more random tongue-attacks in the near future.

P.S. You are so frickin' funny

Joe Janes said...

Thanks, Kate!

Anonymous said...

Ya know, I've had a ton of relationships and have experimented and gone the full distance with 3 women since I've moved to Chicago 6 years ago and I have yet to kiss anyone.