Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Dastardly & Muttley in Their Flying Machines

The Cuckoo Patrol (1969)

The best animation on Saturday morning came from film studios and recycled shorts used before features at the movies - like Bugs Bunny and Tom & Jerry - mostly from the mid-'30's to the mid-'50's. Warner Brothers could take up to six months on a single cartoon. Production studios that solely created animated shows for television did them quickly and on the cheap, trying to emulate the live action production schedules that TV ate up. This created quite an influx of crap. One of the biggest suppliers of cartoon poo was Hanna-Barbera, who had their roots in the MGM Tom & Jerry cartoons. Their biggest strength was in creating fun, unique characters. They fell short in the writing and execution department. With a few exceptions (Johnny Quest and The Flintstones, for example), the characters overshadowed their lackluster adventures.

But I still loved them and ate them up as voraciously as they could spit them out.

In 1969, they produced Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines. They took the antagonists from the earlier The Wacky Races and gave them their own series. Placed - ever-so-loosely - in WWI, Dick Dastardly and his crew were charged with trying to stop Yankee Doodle Pigeon from delivering his top secret messages. I do have to give them credit for their very inventive and endless supply of flying machines. And one of my favorite things to do was to try to laugh like Muttley.

Included in this are the show's opening credits, which are a lot of fun.

Enjoy!

War Got You Down?

The president just wants you to feel good about Iraq!

Dressing Up A Standard-Issue Pig

RoboWriter's Assignment

If you've written a lot of sketches or seen a lot of sketch revues, you've probably noticed a lot of scenes that feature the same location and/or the same relationship. It happens. And it may not even be a case of these scenes being tired or overdone, but, in your experience, if you see another doctor scene you're going to jump from your seat and scream at the actors until they turn the plane around.

This assignment helps address that by first embracing it.









STEP ONE

The ol' tried and true "List of 10." In this first list, write the ten locations that you ALWAYS see pop up in sketch revues. The hard part will probably be trying to limit it to ten. Here's mine. This is from my own experience of seeing sketch revues and hearing scenes read every week. Your experience might be completely different. Feel free to add to it in the comment section.

1- restaurant
2 - doctor's office
3 - living room
4 - bedroom
5 - boss's office
6 - a park bench
7 - bowling alley
8 - office cubicles
9 - classroom
10 - TV talk show

STEP TWO

Another list of 10. This time, the relationships you ALWAYS see pop up in sketch revues. Here's mine...

1- attorney and client
2 - co-workers
3 - roommates
4 - father and daughter
5 - retail clerk and customer
6 - doctor and patient
7 - father and son
8 - brothers
9 - heterosexual couple
10 - boss and underling

STEP THREE

Exciting, isn't it? Can't you just feel the comic possibilities bubbling up inside you? It gets better. Now, take your most over-used scene location and most over-used relationship and put them together. Take a few minutes to draft a quick scenario of a simple, standard comedy scene you might write with those components. For me, it's an attorney and client meeting in a restaurant.

My little scene might go something like this; the client is being sued for sexual harassment and is meeting with his female attorney to discuss the merits of the case. Although everything he says is quite innocent, he punctuates his conversation with raised eyebrows, winks, and that intonation that a guy can do that makes anything sound dirty. He pisses off his lawyer, the female server, maybe a male customer, and the person suing him will probably storm in, too. Voila! Comedy gold, my friend.

You might be satisfied with what you have at this point. Great. Stop. Go write your scene. It's perfectly okay for you to have another break-up in a restaurant scene. Really, it is. It's your voice that will make it unique. However, if you think what you have is fairly average, proceed...

STEP FOUR

Now, put those two lists and your standard-issue comedy scenario aside and brace yourself for another list of 10. This time, list ten places you have NEVER seen used in a sketch. Don't worry about stagability. Letting loose your imagination is key, here. Doesn't matter how absurd it gets. Feel free to share your list in the comment section, unless, of course, you're worried someone might steal your idea for a scene in Arnold Schwarzenegger's rectum (Michael Brownlee, copyright 2007). Here's mine...

1 - head of a pin
2 - inside someone's left nostril
3 - a shed
4 - in an L station kiosk near the turnstiles
5 - the attic of a church
6 - in a caved in coal mine
7 - on Pluto
8 - in a petrie dish
9 - in the head of the Statue of Liberty
10 - sweatshop

STEP FIVE

The final step. Take your tired location and relationship and place it in the most interesting location on your new list. You may need to transpose it a bit - alter genders or occupations - but maintain the spirit of the original. For me, I'll take my attorney and client and place them on the head of a pin. And I'll change them to angels. The head angel has received a complaint about sexual harassment about the new guy so needs to have a talk with him. I like the potential of an angel that sexually harasses people. And since they're angels and it's the head of a pin, I can have countless angels dancing in and out.

The assignment is to develop a scene out of the old relationship being in a the new dynamic uncharted location. Have fun!

The Surge Is Working!

Al-Qaida Has Rebuilt, U.S. Intel Warns

By KATHERINE SHRADER and MATTHEW LEE, Associated Press Writers

WASHINGTON - U.S. intelligence analysts have concluded al-Qaida has rebuilt its operating capability to a level not seen since just before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, The Associated Press has learned.

You can read the rest of the article HERE...

Don't worry folks, it's all a part of the big plan. When President Bush presented us with the startlingly new strategy of sending MORE troops to Iraq last spring, he wisely didn't tell us about this part. He knew we might take the news the wrong way. More troops means more terrorists. But that's exactly what our president wants. Al-Qaida is playing right into Bush's hands. This is a huge step toward winning the War on Terror. It's quite simple, really. At the rate Al-Qaida is recruiting and training new terrorists, soon we will all be terrorists. And if we're all terrorists, boom, we're done. War over. No one left to fight. I know what you're thinking, "Joe, what about the troops? They're not terrorists and will never be terrorists." Well, actually, they already are. Not in my book, mind you, but according to what defines a terrorist in the Patriot Act, our boys are dangerous to civilians and property. And, also according to the definitions of a terrorist in the Patriot Act, if you support the troops, well, guess what? You're a terrorist, too! It's quite ingenious, really. The War on Terror will be over when we've all become terrorists.

You're doing a heckuva job, Bushie!

ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!

A theatre which honours its audience will demand of its writers that they write in hazard of their consciences, for writers are paid to think dangerously, they are the explorers of the imagination, the audience expects it of them.

Howard Barker
Arguments for a Theatre

Uptown Writer's Space. Lawrence and Broadway. 6:30pm. Get your butt there!

Howard Baker Quote on Writers

A theatre which honours its audience will demand of its writers that they write in hazard of their consciences, for writers are paid to think dangerously, they are the explorers of the imagination, the audience expects it of them.

Howard Barker
Arguments for a Theatre

http://astore.amazon.com/superfluities-20/detail/0719052491

Tinkering

A problem I often see with sketch writers is too strong a focus on witty dialogue without enough focus on character, relationship or location. The resulting scene tends to be two characters speaking in the ether with one having the funny lines and the other poor soul being saddled with only set-up lines. Nothing wrong with this, except it's not a scene, it's a comedy duo routine a la Burns and Allen or The 2,000 Year Old Man, and usually not as funny or inspired. But if that's what you really want to do, great, go start a comedy team or go find one that needs material. But if you want to write a scene, use what you have as a starting point and be willing to shed the witty dialogue that doesn't support the story that emerges. Totally unfunny lines can get huge laughs when said by the right character at the right time in the right situation. A good example of this is in When Harry Met Sally in the deli-orgasm scene when the woman says "I'll have what she's having." Not a funny piece of dialogue on its own and the laughs would have been greatly diminished if, say, Harry had said it instead of that woman. Mainly, because that woman means it.

Start by taking your non-descript characters and giving them some clearly defined perspectives. Let's start with this typical exchange between George Burns and Gracie Allen. By the way, this is just done as an example of how to tinker with straight dialogue to finesse it into a scene, not meant as an example of how BRILLIANT! I am...

Gracie: This always happens to me. On my way in, a man stopped me at the stage door and said, "Hiya, cutie, how about a bite tonight after the show?"
George: And you said?
Gracie: I said, "I'll be busy after the show but I'm not doing anything now," so I bit him.

Now, see how it affects the dialogue when we give them clearly defined character-types. We want to raise the stakes. Let's try to do that by making them something really important, like cops, politicians or big time corporate lawyers. I like that one. Let's make them corporate lawyers.

George: Mrs. Allen, you look very upset. What happened?
Gracie: This always happens to me, Mr. Burns. On my way into the office, a very unsavory fellow stopped me in the foyer and said, "Hiya, cutie, how about a bite after you get off work?"
George: The cad! He called you "cutie"? I hope you slapped him with a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Gracie: I said, "I'll be busy but I'm not doing anything now," so I bit him. And then I had him sign a waiver saying he wouldn't sue me.
George: Ah...you've got a little blood right there...

So, now the characters are a little more grounded and both characters have a distinct way of speaking and they look at the world through the eyes of lawyers. Their highbrow way of speaking gooses the humor a bit on this dusty old nugget. But it's still just a bit and there's no place for it to go if we wanted to develop it into a scene. Let's get them out of that generic, boring "office" and into a new location. Something that will help raise the stakes. How about a courtroom? Let's make George a judge.

Gracie: Your honor, may I approach the bench?
George: Approach away, Mrs. Allen.
Gracie: Your honor, I may have to recuse myself from this case. On my way into the courthouse, the defendant stopped me in the foyer and said, "Hiya, cutie, how about a bite after the hearing?"
George: He called you "cutie." That's highly inappropriate behavior. I shall reprimand him sharply.
Gracie: Don't bother. I said, "I'll be busy but I'm not doing anything now," so I bit him. I'm afraid he might sue me.
George: Too late, I see you're on the docket right after this one. ... You've got a little bit of his sweater in your teeth...right there...

If I were to keep tinkering with this, I'm sure I would lose the "so I bit him" joke altogether and focus more on a judge and attorney that might have a thing for one another and they keep finding reasons to have her approach the bench to have cute lovey-dovey talk in the middle of a brutal murder trial. Or something like that. As I expand on it and develop it, it might take me somewhere else. Now, I don't in any way believe I improved upon the genius of Burns and Allen. But the exchange is no longer about the witty banter, it's about characters and relationships. There's nothing wrong with witty banter. But witty banter alone is icing without the cake. Witty banter that forwards a well told story is very fattening, but worth blowing your diet for.

Um, yeah, took the cake thing too far.

You get the idea. It's the difference between a stageworthy scene and a comedy routine.

CUDDLE PARTIES!




Yep. They exist. What does it say about our country when people pay just to cuddle with strangers. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And if you don't have someone in your life to cuddle with, get a cat. For fifty bucks, Don Hall and I will come to your house and cuddle you up good.





Bent Objects






Here's a fun website with lots of pictures like this one. It's called Bent Objects and they are all done by the same artist from Indiana. Pretty cool, funny stuff.

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,


How are you? I am fine.



Look, this whole Iraq thing just ain't working out. It's been a drag. It's expensive. People are dying. Many Iraqis want us out. Why stay at a party where we're not welcome? Plus, we've already got a party going on in Afghanistan and it really needs some attention. They are running out of dip.


And just between you and me, the whole darn thing's about oil and who gets to control it. True, if we remove our troops, less of a chance for us to get our hands on that black gold. You ran a failed business that used to drill for that Texas tea. Here's a place where it flows like honey. That's got to sting to be so close and yet so far. No wonder you don't want to cut and run. You really should just take your lumps and get out, but how to do it gracefully?


I have a suggestion.


Stay in Afghanistan and keep the Taliban the heck out of there. But get us out of Iraq. Just give it the ol' "Whoops. Sorry. My bad" and have the troops walk apologetically backwards toward Kuwait.


And I know what you're thinking, Mr. President. What about that oil? Errr, I love oil! We need it more than they do! Our country sucks down oil like a downtown stock trader sucks down Starbucks coffee. Well, I haven't forgotten about that. I know you need a gusher to keep your interest now that you no longer party like you used to. I can sum it all up in one word.


Canada.


They have tons of oil upon which they just sit their maple leaf tattooed butts. U.S. Geological Survey estimates has as much as 25 percent of the world's undiscovered oil and gas up there in their Arctic region. But, of course, you can't go telling everybody that you're going to war with Canada over oil.


Here are some other reasons that you can use to tell the Congress, the American public and yourself, too, if you need to.


- Canada is beefing up its military presence around the Northwest Passage. We're like, "Hey, that's international water." and they're like,"Um, dude, it's a part of our country. Check your map." And you know what happens when someone builds up a military presence around some place we want to have the freedom to travel? We throw it right back at them plus more. That's the American way!


- They have weapons of mass destruction and don't quite now how to use them. We do! Let's get in there before they "accidentally" blow up Alaska.


- They are being led by a mad man. He gives his people free health care. Look at this picture of the prime minister with his family...














It's all a part of his evil plan to create a super race. His plan started at home. He makes his wife have a baby a year and he throws out the ones that are dark haired, dark eyed or just looked too puny or too pudgey. Clearly, the world will be a better place with this tyrant out of the way. At this point, this super race thing is an unsubstantiated rumor, but you and I know that you and Karl and Dick can take raw material like that and spin it into fact. Well, fact enough.


- They are harboring terrorists. That's why they let people flow into the U.S. so easily. The only thing they've done since 9/11 is expand what they ask someone at the border. "Do you have any fruits, vegetables, contraband or bombs in your car? ...No. Okay, drive on through."

- They are linked to 9/11. You don't even have to say how or why. Just say it enough and most Americans will believe it.


- We need to get in there and liberate Quebec. They have so much disdain for the rest of their country, they would welcome us with open arms, just like the Iraqis did. And they surely wouldn't mind us hanging out for several years eating their croissants and cheese.


- It's our destiny. Our Manifest Destiny. We went all the way to the west coast. Now, let's go all the way up to the North Pole. It's what God would want. He told me so and I'm sure he'll whisper it in your ear, too, if you want him to.


There are also several advantages to invading Canada. People will forget about Iraq very quickly. The travel expenses are next to nothing. We can sneak a lot of troops in there with covers like; "Just checking the pipeline," "Just shooting a movie that's supposed to take place in the U.S.," or "Just walking to Fairbanks. Nice day, eh?". And you want to spice up that failed immigration bill? Mandatory two-year military service (renewable at the government's will, of course). What war hawking politician wouldn't drool over that? Besides, Canada would love it! Everyone knows they have a bit of a self-esteem issue on the world stage, often coming across like our dorky little brother. It would make them feel important.


Good luck, Mr. President.


Your Friend in Christ,


Joe