Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Archie Comedy Hour (1969)

Okay. I wasn't much for comic books when I was a kid. There was only one comic I ever bugged my parents to buy me. I even went on to get a subscription to it. It was The Archies. I thought Jughead was hysterical and Betty and Veronica were HOT!

In 1968, CBS had a big hit with "The Archie Show" based on the comics. They came back the next year with an expanded format, "jumping the shark" before that phrase was even coined. They added a bunch of cute characters, including Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and made the gang a band. Which is kind of weird. Nobody liked Reggie, and yet, there he is, in the band. Guess they were hard up for a rhythm guitarist.

This was the age of bubblegum pop music where music producers would manufacture bands and rapidly release songs trying to score number one hits. I'm sure the success of The Monkees had a little something to do with this. Producer Don Kirschner had a hand in both. The Archies would play a rather disposable piece if candy-coated music every week. One of them became a huge hit. Of course, I'm talking about the appropriately named "Sugar, Sugar." It was number one hit in the United States - knocking The Rolling Stones "Honky Tonk Woman" out of the spot - and it was a number one hit in the UK, as well.

Other than "The Banana Splits," I can't think of another group of fictional characters who didn't really sing or play instruments fronting an international number one hit (other than Villi Manilli). The promotional machine behind this hit was pretty crazy. You didn't need to go to a record store to find the single. Honey Combs cereal had cheap vinyl versions built in to the back of their cereal boxes!

The actual performers were an anonymous group of session musicians and, during the run of the show, were never seen or interviewed so as not to spoil the magic of The Archies.





THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked,

"A woman entered a library in Fort Smith, Arkansas yesterday (Thursday) and demanded what?"

20% picked "They hand over the new Harry Potter book - nice and easy." (I thought this would be the higher scorer, given its timeliness and all.)

20% said "They stop dating that fancy talking new music teacher." (Thank you for getting The Music Man reference.)

50% thought it was "They stop harassing her for an overdue book." (Must of been a lot of you burned by overzealous librarians.)

The correct answer, that 10% of you got, was "They hand over their moo-la."

That's right, she robbed the joint. According to the Associated Press, she entered the library with her face covered with a bandanna, handed the librarian a note demanding cash and implying she had a weapon. The bandit made off with less than $20 from the petty cash. Maybe this was a starter robbery and she's working her way up to banks. Maybe they should have referred her to "How to Get Rich with Armed Robbery." Any way, I hope they throw the book at her. And not at me for that last line.

Bible Action Figures

Ten years ago, I had the extreme pleasure of working for Jellyvision and writing for the popular CD-ROM trivia game You Don't Know Jack. One of the best parts of the job was writing fake audio commercials to go over the closing credits. It really was a treat for me because of my love for Old Time Radio. I really cranked those mothers out. One of my favorites was called Bible Action Figures about a mom trying to get kids excited about going to church. Well, ten years later, there really are Bible Action Figures, as my pal Don Hall points out on his Friday Round-Up.

You can hear my commercial by clicking here. The voices are Ali Davis and Jason Meyer as the kids, Michelle Sobel as the mother, Phil Ridarelli as God, and that's me coming in at the end as the announcer. I don't know who the guy is that put this website together, but thanks, and, um, you're weird.

Hardwiring Nature

ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

The great thing about doing sketch comedy, or any writing, really, is the ability to take two different ideas and mash them together like a mad scientist. Sometimes you get something that meshes together really well, sometimes you get a creature with a few loose bolts and a nose that keeps falling off.

This assignment is a specific version of a Clash of Context scene. A Clash of Context scene takes two different worlds and highlights what they have in common by bringing them together and creating a third new world. Our two worlds will fit into two categories, Nature and Civilization.

To begin, break out pen and paper - or keyboard and screen - for a list of ten. This is a list of ten processes or systems that one finds in nature, science or biology. Here's mine for an example...

1) pollination
2) popcorn popping
3) two male moose locking horns to impress a female
4) cicadas emerging from hibernation
5) post-coital spiders
6) waking up with a hangover
7) monkeys banishing a monkey from their tribe
8) growing old
9) birds flying south for winter
10) snake shedding its skin

Now, you're on the look for things from your own world, your own culture, that can be drafted to the first idea. My list now looks like this...

1) pollination//blind date or matchmaker
2) popcorn popping//high school graduation
3) two male moose locking horns to impress a female//singles bar or pancake house (I don't know why. It just popped into my head)
4) cicadas emerging from hibernation//coming out party
5) post-coital spiders//third date, first time having sex with someone
6) waking up with a hangover//IRS tax audit
7) monkeys banishing a monkey from their tribe//getting kicked out of a club
8) growing old//all the markers we go through in life (birth, first day of school, last day of school, sex, first job, first real job, retirement, death)
9) birds flying south for winter//retired people who migrate to Florida in the winter
10) snake shedding its skin//trying to mask sunburn

Some fit more easily than others. I have no idea what I would do with growing old or hangover. I like the moose fight and can picture two guys fighting over a waitress at an iHop. With pollination I have some images that come to mind, so that's a good sign. I don't know what the hell I would do with growing old.

Now, it's time to test out the ideas by fleshing them out a bit more. The first choice I have to make is picking which world the characters are anchored in. For example, are they animals that act like people or are they people who act like animals?

Let's take pollination. One scenario might be a flower and a bee on a first date, or blind date, getting to know one another. Or maybe they are with a matchmaker or they are further along and are with a relationship counselor. Maybe one of them is tired of the other sticking his stinger into anything that doesn't move. Another might be to have two people interacting with each other like a bee and flower do. So, maybe they're on a dance floor and the "bee" is juking on the "flower" until he's had his fill and then he heads over to another "flower." Our bee's a player.

The assignment is to build a scene that borrows part of it's world from nature and another part from civilization.If you have any questions or want to share your lists of ten, go ahead and post them in the comment section.

Here's a good example from Woody Allen's Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Sex - a very funny early Allen movie. In this Clash of Context scene, the biological system is what happens to a man internally while on a date and hoping to score and the cultural aspect is that the brain runs the body like it's a command center all the way down to the sperm who are like paratroopers. Enjoy the French subtitles, too. On the house.




The BS News Quiz of the Day Answer

On Thursday, I asked this question...

"Earlier this week, the town officials of Brattleboro, Vermont met to pass an emergency ban on what?"

Terrorism (No one fell for this one, although it seems quite possible to me.)

Smoking (28% said this one. Not a bad guess.)

Smoking while driving a car full of explosives (14% picked this. While I'm sure it's illegal in most states outside of Tennessee, it's not correct)

57% of you are smart cookies and picked the correct answer... nudity. Public nudity, in fact. Brattleboro thinks it's just fine and dandy if you go skinny dipping or sun bathing au natural. The problem was too many people extending, so to speak, this privilege beyond the beach. Apparently, the dangling straw that broke the camel's back belonged to an elderly gentleman who walked through the middle of town wearing nothing but his flip-flops and a fanny pack. The fanny pack was large enough to hold his goods, but not conceal them. It is unclear if the "flip-flops" were footwear or a description of the sound his nether regions made when walking unadorned.

Salary Disputed

The President of the United States' annual salary is $400,000.00

The Vice-President's annual salary is $186,300.00

U. S. Congressmen receive a yearly salary of $165,200.00

A first year private in the U.S. Army receives around $12,060.00. There's some variance based on skill and assignment, but it's not going to go much than a thousand or two in either direction. Broken down to an hourly wage, a soldier in Iraq makes about eighty cents more than a burger-flipper.

I don't need to tell you what's wrong with this picture.

It gets worse.

Halliburton CEO David Lesar made at least $12.3 million in 2006. There are some reports on the web that he actually makes twice that. Up siginificantly since the War on Terrorizing America's wallets and purses began. Halliburton has earned over $20 billion from the U.S. military in war-related contracts in Iraq since the March 2003 invasion.

And I'm sure he has found ways to thank Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney for providing him with the blood and oil needed to line his pockets. Especially Mr. Cheney, who is Halliburton's former CEO and who has stock options in the company worth $10 million.

You want to support the troops, Washington? Bring them home so they're not pimping out their lives for minimum wage in an unnecessary war brought about by the guy wearing the velvet cowboy hat.

Sorry. Not a lot of humor in this one. Must be that War Fatigue Bush says that I have. I'm glad he understands me.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ


Yesterday, I started a new feature called The BS News Quiz (cue trumpet blast). The "BS" stands for "Bite and Smile," of course, but if you thought something else, that's okay, too.

Wednesday's question was...

"Pagans, upset at Homer Simpson's appearance at the site of Cerne Abbas, have vowed to do what in retaliation?"

40% of you answered "They are going to boycott the movie."

None of you fell for "They are suing Fox."

40% of you answered "Nothing. Pagans don't believe in Homer Simpson."

The correct answer, that 20% of you nailed, is "They are going to perform "rain magic.""

According to the BBC, Ann Bryn-Evans, joint Wessex district manager for The Pagan Federation, said: "We'll be doing some rain magic to bring the rain and wash it away." Rain magic, by the way, is not so magical. It involves standing in a circle, drinking several pints of Guinness, and precipitating.


ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!


It's Thursday. That means you can meet with me at 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space and get feedback on your written scenes. It's only $5 and if 80,000 of you show up, I'll make as much as the president without nearly as much bloodshed.

Just a Friendly Reminder, Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

You're a busy guy. You probably haven't thought about this much. You've got a lot on your plate, what with Iraq and Afghanistan and Iran and Israel and Palestine and Russia AND the United States all clamoring for your attention. But I just wanted to remind you about your oath.

You know, the one you took when you were inaugurated. Both times, in fact. Same oath. They didn't change anything on you. Easy to forget, for sure. It's brief. Not very eloquent. Not the best work from those "We the People..." dudes.

The first time you took it, back in 2001, you were probably rushing through it since your limo had just been pelted with eggs. Check out the picture above. Good thing the secret service thought to erect that egg-proof plastic shielding. (And what's up with Mr. Chief Justice's freakish right hand? Looks like all the fingers are the same length. Even the pinky! Well, that's a whole other can of satan-worhsipping worms that I'm not ready to get into.) In 2005, when you took the oath a second time, you didn't have any eggs pelted at you, but you probably felt one pointed at you, much like an animal might sense being in the cross-hairs of a rifle. You probably rushed then, too. And there was certainly no incentive for you to read it in advance or learn it by heart. Rehnquist fed you all your lines. Bet you wish all your speeches were that easy.

Well, here I am to refresh your memory. You can look it up yourself. It's specified in Article II, Section 1 of our Constitution. Oh, you know what? Apparently you don't have a copy of that. Here's a website that will tell you all about it. It has lots of pictures. There's lots of interesting things about "checks and balances" and "doing the will of the people." Good stuff.

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.

Mr. President - George, if I may - I strongly recommend you jot this down. Put it on a Post-It note and stick it on your desk where you will see it. Put it on your bathroom mirror so you see it first thing in the morning and at night before you go to bed.

Now, it could be that I am misjudging you. You probably heard about this oath thing and had Harriet Miers go over it with a fine-toothed laser-guided loophole-seeking comb. That "best of my ability" sure is vague, I concede. There's also that minor loophole of not really being elected president. You can probably try that "not a part of the executive branch" tactic Brainy Cheney tries when it's in his favor to claim so.

But if it's a case of you being aware of the oath and having your hand on the Bible really does mean something to you and you really are operating at the best of your ability to defend the Constitution, then all I have to say is... YIKES!

Sincerely.YIKES!

Please move over. Excuse yourself from the grown-up table. Take Cheney with you. We'll take it from here. The people, that is.

Your friend,

Joe

P.S. Glen Ford, a commentator over at The Black Agenda Report, has this message for Washington about your blatant disregard for the law of the land...

Impeachment, like all criminal processes, is designed not just to punish current lawbreakers, but to prevent future criminality. George Bush and his gang have been running a massive criminal enterprise for more than six years, effectively nullifying the Constitution. The Constitution does not automatically come back to life after the two top criminals leave. It must be enforced, or it is just an old, moldy piece of paper. The question is not whether there is time to impeach Bush and Cheney, but whether there is time to rescue the rule of law - domestic and international.

You can read the full article HERE.

THE SIMPSONS

I love The Simpsons, but sometimes I think it's shameless how far they will go commercially. They seem to simultaneously embrace and chastise selling out in America (Not surprising, considering they are a very subversive liberal show on FOX.)

This is hysterical, though. It looks like Cerne Abbas, the fertility giant, could use a Homer-sized doughnut for his, um, hunger.

What I Learned from Martin de Maat

Fall of 1991 - I moved to Chicago from Cincinnati in the fall of 1989 (Things seem to happen to me the most in the fall)...After unhappily working as a stand-up for years, I decided to wean myself off the road and settle somehow into Chicago...I took a job waiting on tables at an Italian eatery called Tucci Benuch. I had never eaten there before. I'm not even sure how I ended up applying there. It's on the fifth floor of the Bloomingdale's Mall at 900 North Michigan. Not exactly one of my hang-outs.

Tucci turned out to be a place where many of Chicago's improv actors worked... A guy named Ben Zook, who I had seen at The Annoyance in The Real Live Brady Bunch worked there and recommended classes at Second City...Around the same time, I waited on a table where one of the guests was going to audition soon to take classes at Second City -at that time, there was no beginning level. You had to audition to get into the conservatory - . Her name was Meagan McCarthy. There were two hosts there, Bob Wood and Jon Glaser, who I found out after I auditioned had also auditioned. So, I called up and got a slot.

While I was in the lobby at Second City, I ran into Lori McClain, someone I barely knew from college. She was there to audition, too. The whole audition, as I recall, was just to get up and improvise a three-person scene based on a suggested scenario. I don't remember who my scene partners were, but I do recall we were "three college students preparing for a party." After my audition, as I was leaving, I looked up on stage and saw Don Hall auditioning. I think he was playing a guy in a department store with his wife or girlfriend. Boy, he sucked. What a spaz! He was hyperactive and negating everyone all over the place. I thought, "Sheesh, thank God that guy won't get in."

A week later, I got a letter that said I was accepted. I think a week after that, I went to orientation and then my first class. Back then, the training center didn't exist as we know it today. You either had class on the mainstage, the etc stage or in a tiny third floor classroom that has since been converted to office space. Martin de Maat, the training center's artistic director, led the orientation and was our Level One instructor. I was relieved. I remember during the orientation thinking he was a nurturing fellow and would be good for the soul. There aren't too many people I think that about. Our class had about a dozen people in it, including Lori McClain, Jon Glaser and that Don Hall guy (How the hell did he get in?). Bob Wood and Meagan McCarthy ended up in another class. This was the early roots of WNEP. Also in our class were Jeff Hoover and Alida Vitas.

We were fortunate to have Martin for two levels. Unlike Del, Marty wasn't Forest Gumping his way through life. What was totally brilliant about Marty is that he was so firmly in his element teaching improvisation. He would dabble in other areas, but it was like Michael Jordan playing baseball. He was at his best in front of a group teaching improv. He not only embodied a love for the craft, but a love for his students, too. He had a way of making you glad to be you and to be doing what you were doing in class. He was amazing. As a child, he had taken classes from Viola Spolin and I don't think he ever lost that child-like wonder when it came to improvisation.

I don't recall which level it was where I learned this most valuable lesson from Marty. I do know it was up in that tiny room on the third floor. I was doing a scene that I think Don, Hoover and Lori or Alida were also in. We were decorating a Christmas tree. Somehow, the scene turned to everyone making fun of me for something. I was being picked on and, man, did it bring up a lot of bad memories from childhood. I was struggling on how best to respond in the scene and Marty's side-coaching was "Tell the truth. Tell them how you feel." I said something like, "I feel hurt. You guys are hurting my feelings." I could see my scene partner's faces turn sober and apologetic while still staying in character. That moment turned the scene and gave us a strong direction forward. The lesson I learned is to tell the truth in the moment. It's vulnerable, even in the context of a scene, but it's worth it. It's usually when the best moments take place, in scenes and in life.

There's another lesson I learned from him, too. I was doing a scene about three guys fishing. Sergi Bosch was one of the other guys. The third guy belched and Sergi's character was in awe, remarking it was "like thunder." I got up and went to the wall and urinated. It was completely in character, but, in my head, I was like, "What the hell am I doing? This is so wrong. I suck." The rest of the scene fell flat and puttered to a slow death. Marty asked me about what was going on in my head when I got up. I told him and he rightly pegged my inner thoughts as the moment the scene started to slide down the tubes. The lesson I learned was to be true to my character and the reality of the scene. The scene is likely to go however I think it is going, especially if I think it's bombing. Best to focus on the craft and not on my ego.

I stayed in touch with Marty after we graduated. He hired me to teach as soon as I got hired as an understudy for the touring company. I am no where near the teacher Marty was, but if I'm ever in trouble in class, struggling with getting across concepts to students, it's my experience with him that helps me get out of it. It usually involves throwing heaps of love and respect at them, and remembering that I could have been doing that all along.

What I Learned from Del Close

Fall of 1978 - I'm a senior in high school (PCHS - Home of The Redskins - it's a term of endearment, I swear!). President of the student council. Editor-in-chief of the Port Clinton High School's yearbook, Revista. I work part-time at a local radio station, WRWR-FM, most notably playing rock music in the evenings. I have a stellar 2.2 grade point average. I also do plays when I can with Playmaker's Theatre. Our school doesn't have a theater or theater company, so Playmaker's took up the charge to provide teens an opportunity to be on stage. In a very unusual move, they seldom produce teen theatre geared towards teens. (My first role on stage was in Noel Coward's Blithe Spirit. At 14, I was in way over my head. I didn't get any of the jokes. I had a line "she must look a bit long in the tooth, by now, I should think." I had no idea what that meant and decided to change it one show to "she must look like a prune, by now, I should think. " It got a laugh. My first experience of getting a laugh on stage. Poor Noel Coward. Clearly, all he needed was a 14-year-old jerk from Ohio to punch up his work.)

Back to fall of senior year... Pope John Paul II just took up the big, pointy hat...Jimmy Carter is president. It's the first time in politics that I was able to witness a political party (The Republicans) so ravenously going after discrediting a president. A president who was trying to use honesty as one of his platforms!...Jim Jones and his followers commit suicide in Guyana...The Walkman is introduced to a nation. It would be another ten years before I could afford one...The Eagles "Hotel California" and Fleetwood Mac's "Rumors' were Grammy winners... And I saw The Second City Touring Company live for the first time. Nancy McCormack, my friend Brett's mother, organized the field trip. A bunch of my friends from high school and at Playmaker's and I piled into a van and drove two hours to do an all-day workshop on improvisation and to see The Second City Touring Company perform that night. I was going out of my gourd with excitement... I had heard about Second City because I was a huge fan of SNL. All their strongest players had come from there.

We crowded into a tiny theater that had folding chairs for seats. We were starting a bit late because the guy that was going to lead the workshop missed the flight to Detroit. Undaunted, he hopped in a cab from Chicago. A $400 cab ride! It wasn't an act of opulence on his part. It was the only way he knew how to get there. His name was Del Close. For those of you who may have never heard of him, Del Close is one of improv's most mythic figures. He was around in the early days of improv's development with The Compass Players in the '50's. He was in one of Second City's early companies and one of their first directors. His life reads a bit like Forest Gump. Do a search for him on imdb and you'll be amazed at some of the places he shows up, including a few episodes of Get Smart. He was obsessive about improv and theatre. More than any other illegal substance he could pump into his system, it was his biggest addiction. He was also a very dangerous man to put in front of a large group of hungry teenagers.

The very first thing he did was stand at the edge of the stage, mumble something about trust, say, "aw, fuck it," closed his eyes, locked his arms to his sides, and fell forward into the aisle. Several of us reached out to grab him. I got myself a small handful of a then skinny Del belly. We stopped him from hitting the floor by about two inches. It was the bravest thing I had ever witnessed at that time and the one improv demonstration I have never tried to emulate as a teacher. The message was clear - take risks, trust the universe will catch you. It's a message I've carried with me on stage and off.

The other big improv nugget I got that day was the power of "yes, and..." I was watching him work with one of my friends - Steve Oleksa, who had a slight resemblance to Dan Aykroyd that I hadn't noticed until Del mentioned it. Steve was playing one of Santa's helpers delivering toys to a single woman. She kept asking him what he had in his bag. She would say things like, "Do you have a dolly in there for me?" "Of course," he would say and pull an imaginary doll out of an equally imaginary sack. "Do you have a beauty shop in there for me?" Steve's logic kicked in. A beauty shop wouldn't fit in a sack nor could it be carried over his shoulder. I was with him on that. "No, little girl, I don't-" "Yes, you do!" Del interjected. Steve didn't flinch. "Why, yes, I do. It's right here." And he proceeded to pull a free-standing beauty shop out of his sack. It was brilliant and very funny and my first demonstration of what it means to "yes, and..." your scene partner.

After the workshops and before the show, we had a break. Del actually shouted out to everyone, "Does anyone want to go get high?" Um, I did. I started to walk out with him and one of the other actors from TourCo. My responsible side kicked in. I had someone else's car keys on me and needed to return them. I bailed. Good thing, too. I'm not good high. Especially around people. And I wouldn't have been as blown away by the TourCo revue that night. Up to that time in my life, it was the best thing I had ever seen on stage and funnier than SNL. I came back a few days later for the Sunday matinee and then saw the TourCo once more in Cleveland and then a few years later in Dayton.

I took what I learned in that workshop and started an improv/sketch company in college. That college group forged some of my strongest, longest-lasting relationships. We still stay in touch and try to see one another when we can. Everyone in that group has stayed in touch with the arts on a professional level. One even became a semi-regular guest on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

After being cast in the TourCo myself almost twenty years after that workshop, I signed up for classes at iO to tune-up my skills. I had Del for my Level 5 class. I didn't ask him if he remembered that workshop. As he got older, he seemed, to me, to have become larger, louder, more intimidating and a little smelly.

Regardless of my later experience, his mark on me is indelible.