I Don't Mean to Brag, But...

(BS note: The poll template for the News Quiz is down. To see the answer choices, just scroll down on the left, pick an answer, scribble it onto a Post-It note and then stick that over where the answers should be.)

It looks like I'm going to be coming into some money.

A lot of money.

We're talking, Joe's-going-to-buy-a-Hummer-and-vote-Republican kind of money. How did I do it? What's my secret? Well, apparently, there's been some people speaking very highly of me overseas. I got this e-mail yesterday...

Dearest friend,

Season Greeting from Beniak Joe who contacted you long ago, I am very happy to
inform you about my success in getting that fund, Now I want you to contact my
secretary on the information below with your Full Name/Address and Phone Number
for easy communication: NAME: Ikwu samuel

EMAIL: ikwusamuel77@myway.com

Ask him to send you the total sum of (1950,000.00 ) One Million Nine Hundred and
Fifty Thousand us dollarsd thousand USD CASHIER'S CHEQUE, which I kept for your
compensation CONTACT THE SECRETARY ON this Email:ikwusamuel77@myway.com

Regards,

Beniak Joe

Now, I must be honest. I don't think I received an earlier e-mail. The name "Beniak Joe" would have stuck with me, I should think. This guy might have me confused with another Joe Janes. There's not many of us, but if you do a Google on me - and, yes, I have Googled myself, several times - you'll find a search result showdown going on between me and some Seattle Internet librarian professor dude. So, maybe the compensation was meant for him. In that case, I'll consider splitting the money with him. 80/20 sounds fair, since I'm doing all the work. Here's the e-mail I sent in reply...

Dear Ikwu,

I received the e-mail from Beniak Joe. Season greeting. I hope you are doing well. I understand you are going to send me a cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars. That is wonderful news. My mother is in a nursing home and employment for me has been very scarce this summer. My girlfriend will be very happy to hear about this - I can't tell you how much she's been riding me about not making any money. She thinks I should grow up and find a real job. This will make her shut her ice-cream hole! This money will certainly come in handy.

Yours in Christ,
Joe

I can't wait for that checque to come in. The first thing I'm going to do is buy everyone I know a hat. Something nice. Purple felt fedoras, maybe. With my or that other Joe Janes' picture on it.

ROBOWRITERS

Is tonight at 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space. Come bring a scene to read or come hear other scenes and get an assignment. You know you wanna.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to scientists, being left-handed also raises the possibility of being what?"

40% picked "A World Leader."
No, that's not the right answer. Most world leaders are ambidextrous so they can reach into your back pocket with one hand while pointing at you with their fisted thumb with the other.

20% said "A Math Genius."
That would be incorrect, as well. Being left-handed just means your numbers would lean differently than everyone else's.

No one fell for "An Artistic Rebel."
It would be correct if you consider drawing real crappy rebellious.

The correct answer, that 40% chose, was "A Nutbag."
Sorry to put it so indelicately.

According to the BBC, a gene has been found that indicates left-handedness. It's also the same gene that raises the risk of psychotic mental illness such as schizophrenia.

Who are some famous left-handers?

Just for a Day

So, I finally got around to watching Who Killed the Electric Car?

If you haven't seen it, please do. Like the current Sicko, it should be required viewing for U.S. citizens eighteen and older, especially our law makers. It's a wake-up call to take back our rights as consumers and Americans. I haven't felt this worked up since Michael Moore's book Stupid White Men woke me from my post-9/11 somnambulistic state back in 2002.

In this country, it's clear that we vote with our dollars and politicians are for sale. Businesses with cash reserves much larger than ours are setting policy in our government. Our only recourse is to not buy what they are selling by not voting for candidates tucked into the pockets of corporate backing and by not buying what those corporations keep shoving in our faces.

I'm no angel when it comes to ethical economics. My shoes are vegan, but they were probably manufactured in a sweat shop somewhere, possibly even in the good ol' U. S. of A. But together, all of us can make smarter choices that will help steer our country toward a healthier state - economically, environmentally and societally.

If you read this blog regularly, then you probably already have an edge on most people when it comes to being aware of the injustices going on in the world. And, like me, you're probably also frustrated at how hopeless and helpless it can feel to not be able to take immediate action and see immediate results.

Uncle Sam has an addiction-driven personality and we're all in al-anon. We're not going to see overnight results. We can help by taking it one day at a time.

Just for a day, be a little more conscious.

Think before you spend any money. If you support the company and the product you are buying and it makes you feel better to encourage that company, then buy it. If a little voice inside you're head goes,"Sheesh, I can't believe I'm giving my money to Satan, again. I don't even like this coffee. I have to pay extra for foam and syrup just to keep from gagging on it." Then maybe you should put your wallet or purse away and step away from the counter. Just for the day.

Think before your eat. Listen to your body. Are you feeding an addiction for salt, sugar or fried food or legitimately satisfying a hunger? And what the hell are you putting in your mouth, anyway? Is it genuinely nutritious or is it something advertisers told you was needed to get through the day? Are you really lovin' it? Check the ingredients. If there are a lot of words you don't recognize as English, maybe leave it off your plate, or tray, or desk. If an animal died for it, be very aware of where it came from and the torture process the animal went through and the amount of growth hormones and other chemicals pumped into it before you take a bite. Maybe some whole fruits or vegetables, instead. Just for a day.

Before you turn on the TV or crack open a book, consider what you are feeding your brain. Is it junkfood or nutrition? Will it make you think? Will you learn something? Or will it put you into an entertainment coma? Give your brain a balanced meal. Keep it healthy, too.

Think before you act. Let people off the train before you hop on. Give the car ahead of you time to move before honking your horn. Open doors for people. Give people room to pass on the sidewalk. Slow down in getting your body from Point A to Point B. Be kind. Be aware of your surroundings. See the other human beings around you. Maybe leave the ear buds at home - just for a day.

Universal health care, electric cars, organic foods, world peace... There are a lot of people who don't want you to have these.

There are people in our government who want to keep you dumb and afraid. There are people paying those people lots of money to keep you dumb and afraid. They don't care about the environment or our neighbors. They don't care if we choke on our air, get scorched by our sun, or drown in our undrinkable waters. They do care about lining their pockets with money. And if that money comes soaked in blood and oil, then that's just an acceptable loss they are willing to make on our behalf.

Not everyone in government and in corporations are driven by greed. There is hope. There are a few good eggs out there. But it takes us waking up and seeking them out and encouraging them to make the difference we want to see in the world in our lifetime.

It starts by being a little more conscious of our actions and a little more thoughtful of others and ourselves - just for a day.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In New Zealand, people who prefer NOT to have sex with carnivores are called what?"

37% answered "Herbaphiles." Nope. That's people who want to bink this guy...


12% said picked "Petabreds." I love this one. PETA bred/ Pita Bread. People who only sleep with PETA members. I think I may have just coined a phrase here, myself. What? Members of Peta are all hippy crunchy granoloa-y and smell too much like patouchli to want to get it on with? I beg to differ.



25% said "Cowfuckers." I will NOT be posting a picture for this one.

Well, okay...



25% also picked the right answer..."Vegansexuals."

According to the newspaper The Press, The New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies discovered the phenomenon (their words, not mine)while doing a survey on cruelty-free consumerism. The word "vegansexual" sure doesn't make vegans creating the free-range beast with two backs sound very sexy. Any of my other answers would work. I also offer for their consideration, Tree Huggers And Kissers, Hemp Humpers or Tofu-ckers.

By Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee

Die Fotographie ist Dada Tonhöhenschwankung. Ich nahm ihre Seele auf einer kleinen Kamera gefangen. Ich gebe sie zurück zu ihr, wenn sie erlernt, wie man unten vereinbart. Gestern hatten Dadas alle Tonhöhenschwankung, Quiche, Dabo und Ihr wirklich unsere Portraits, die in der Chicago kulturellen Mitte von einem Mann hergestellt wurden, der Jim genannt wurde. Sie ist für unsere Kabarettdarstellung Blinde Essel Hopse. Ich bin unter dem Eindruck, daß diese großen Arbeiten der Schönheit unter die Massen verteilt werden, damit sie an Wände nahe bei anderen Gottheiten, wie Jesus Christ, Vishnu und Vic gehangen werden können Damone. Sie werden durch Gesetz angefordert, diese in Ihr Haus vorstehend einzusetzen. Es befreit Sie, um so zu tun. Als Dada werde ich meistens auf den Parametern der schalen Wiederholungräume und der creaky Stadien begrenzt. Es ist immer eine Festlichkeit, zum unter den Leuten zu erlöschen, die um die Stadt unashamedly in ihren blanken Gesichtern und in sideways flüchtigen Blicken gehen. Wenn sie nur konnten, sie schauten, würden sie sich schnell bedecken und wünschen für Tod. Um mich für den Tag vorzubereiten, aß ich Toast. Zu hören ist auch nützlich, zu den Sachen, die mich erinnern an, wie gesund ich bin und wie geisteskrank die Welt ist. So schalte ich die Nachrichten ein. Ich hörte, daß es ein verpfuschtes exorcism in Phoenix gab. Offenbar die Arbeit der Bewunderer! Präsident Bush versucht, Bericht mit Premierminister-Braun zu errichten. Ich empfehle sie tue dies, indem ich liebevoll in jede andere Augen schaue und ihre Backen streichele, und Sachen wie flüsternd, "Mann, sind Sie so verflixtes nettes! Wo, betonen, Sie dieses adorable zu erhalten! Ich möchte Sie in meine Tasche einsetzen und Sie mit einem Löffel und einem regurgitate essen Sie auf die Frontseite meines icebox und Sie dort halten für immer!" Dann und nur dann, Wille haben wir Weltfrieden. Aber ich würde eher Weltpfirsich essen und uns alle unsere Weise mit nur unseren Öffnungen, zur Grube graben lasse. Ingmar Bergman starb am Alter von 89. Der Nachrichten Mann sagte, daß die Ursache des Todes unbekannt ist. Die Ursache des Todes ist unbekannt? Die Ursache des Todes ist er war 89! 89 Jahre, alle Funktion in enger Zusammenarbeit, getötetes Ingmar Bergman. Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee! Der größte Detektiv der Welt!

Die englische Übersetzung von diesem ist...



The photograph is Dada Flutter. I captured her soul on a small camera. I will give it back to her when she learns how to settle down.

Yesterday, Dadas Flutter, Quiche, Dabo and yours truly all had our portraits created at the Chicago Cultural Center by a man destined to be named Jim. It is for our cabaret presentation Blinde Essel Hopse. I am under the impression that these great works of beauty will be distributed amongst the masses so that they may be hung on walls next to other deities, such as Jesus Christ, Vishnu and Vic Damone. You will be required by law to put these prominently in your home. It will liberate you to do so.

As a Dada, I am mostly confined to the parameters of musty rehearsal spaces and creaky stages. It is always a treat to go out among the people who walk around the town unashamedly in their naked faces and sideways glances. If they only knew how they looked, they would quickly cover themselves and wish for death.

To prepare for the day, I ate toast.

It is also helpful to listen to things that remind me of how sane I am and how insane the world is. So, I turn on the news.

I heard there was a botched exorcism in Phoenix. Clearly the work of amateurs!

President Bush is trying to build rapport with Prime Minister Brown. I recommend they do this by looking lovingly into each others eyes, caressing their cheeks, and whispering things like, "Gosh, you are so darned cute! Where did you get that adorable accent? I want to put you in my pocket and eat you with a spoon and regurgitate you onto the front of my icebox and keep you there forever!" Then, and only then, will we have world peace. But I would rather have world peach and have us all burrow our way, using only our mouths, to the pit.

Ingmar Bergman died at the age of 89. The news man said the cause of death is unknown. The cause of death is unknown? The cause of death is he was 89! 89 seperate years, all working in close collaboration, killed Ingmar Bergman.

Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee! The world's greatest detective!

Back to Joe-Joe the dogged-faced boy...


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A new company in California called FlexPetz does what with animals?"

Nobody picked what I thought was the perfect answer, "helps them lose weight." It's California. Somebody somewhere has a personal trainer for their pet. I'll put money on it!

Also coming up empty were "trains them to occupy small spaces" -again, one I thought wasn't too far from reality- and "soaks them in oil to make them more pliable" - actually, it's just to make them more tasty.

The correct answer, receiving 100% of the responses, was "rents them out."

Yep. But according to Marlena Cervantes, the CEO of FlexPets, they don't like to call it that. She refers to it as shared pet ownership. That's right. Man's Best Friend now has an hourly rate. Call it what you like, but when I'm paying for companionship, I'm expecting a little something-something after I buy you some Alpo and clean up your poop.

Robots and Dinosaurs in Wisconsin

I spent the weekend in a small town in Wisconsin outside of Madison with a core group from the Thursday evenings RoboWriters. Pictured above are Joe Linstroth, Nat Topping, Chris Othic and Geoff Crump. Brian Crowley and Greg Wendling were unable to make it.

You might be thinking, "Hey, Joe, that's a lot of sausage for a writer's group." Well, you're right, although it's not as much sausage as you think because we tend to exaggerate the amount. I put this group together by inviting people I knew would be up to the challenge of generating a lot of high quality material on a weekly basis and are available on Thursday nights. There were women invited, unfortunately, Thursday's did not work for them. We are conscientious of it, though, and are writing roles for women and will be relying on the input of the actresses we cast for our show.

The weekend getaway, courtesy of Joe Linstroth's friend Sue Mullen, gave us an opportunity to take a step back from two and a half month's worth of material and see what we have. This is the first time I ever sat down with a group of writers and look for themes and connections in our pieces. If something like that is ever done in a sketch revue, it's usually done after the bulk of the material is selected purely based on how it stands on its own. We took a look at what possible shows could emerge from our big pile of primordial sketch ooze and will start to write and develop for those areas.

Some of the major themes we noticed in our work are:

- Death and dying (lots of death and dying!)
- History and period pieces
- Storytelling
- fruit

Yep. Fruit. For some reason beyond our comprehension, almost everyone had a scene where fruit figured into it. I have no idea what to do with that piece of information.

We have to bring Brian and Greg up to speed on what we did over the weekend, which may affect the list above. Then we'll start working toward putting together our material for a staged reading in the fall.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"In Florida, an already convicted convict was additionally arrested for doing what while alone in his cell?"

25% of you answered "Threatening to punch the president" and "Trying to join Al-Qaeda" Neither answer is correct, but frighteningly in the realm of possibility.

Nobody answered "flirting with a male guard." Everyone knows convicts and guards don't play such coy games as flirting. "So, is that a nightstick in your pock---ow, my skull!"

50% of you nailed it with, quite simply, "Masturbating." According to The Associated Press, a jury took 45 minutes to return a guilty verdict for indecent exposure brought against Terry Alexander for masturbating while alone in his cell. He was turned in by a female guard watching his cell on a monitor. Alexander is already doing ten years in jail for armed robbery.

Folks, if masturbation is a crime, I'm public enemy number one. My picture should be up in post offices all across this land (I'd do it myself, but I only have one free hand.). My heart goes out to this guy. If I were facing ten years in prison, I'd essentially be doing two things in my cell; masturbating and thinking about masturbating. The only sane thing to come out of this is that his sentence of sixty days runs concurrently with his other sentence, so no extra time to be served. But just so he doesn't become a repeat offender, I recommend he be more discreet. Hopefully, with this and the armed robbery charge, he'll learn to keep his weapon concealed.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Hey, Gang - I'm in a small town near a small lake in Wisconsin and internet access has been sketchy. Here's the Saturday Morning Cartoon. I will update the news quiz on Sunday. Thanks for tuning in! - Joe

The Banana Splits Adventure Hour! (1968-1970)




The Banana Splits was another fictional band that had mad-cap Monkees-like slapstick fun and music. Their main playground was an amusement park. I'm not sure which one, but it was a part of Kings Island's chain. In fact, they all had a Hanna-Barbera Land. I used to love the Scooby-Doo roller coaster and the boat ride through Hanna-Barbera Land (imagine my shock and disgust when I returned to King's Island in the '80's to find the boat ride converted into a celebration of Smurf Land!). Being a kid's show in support of an amusement park wasn't a new idea. It was just a poor man's version of The Wonderful World of Disney.

The show was hosted by the Splits, often terrorized by a disturbing group of go-go girls called The Sour Grapes Bunch, and featured cartoons and live action serial adventures, like "Danger Island."

Richard Donner - yes, THAT Richard Donner - was one of the directors. You can tell by the slapstick in these shows where he gets his flair (or intense lack of) for action sequences and ham-fisted humor.

Here's a sample of the buffoonery, complete with the opening theme song that, if you are not familiar with The 'Nanners, you have probably heard and not known what it was from.

Here are the lyrics so you can sing along...

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four.
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you The Banana Splits Show.

Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Lot's of fun for everyone.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one.
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun.
Flippin like a pancake, poppin like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Two Banana, four banana, one banana, three
Swinging like a bunch of monkeys hanging from a tree
Hey there everybody won't you come along and see
How much like Banana Splits everyone can be

Making up a mess of fun,
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone

Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la

Make-A-Hero

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Thank you, Chris Othic, for filling in for me last night.

The assignment, very simply, is to write a superhero scene. There are two ways to approach this. Create your own superhero or put a new spin on an old one. These scenes are fun to write, but can also be challenging to make interesting to anyone other than YOU!

In both angles, the characters are in grave danger of coming out two-dimensional. In creating a superhero, you might spend a lot of attention on what their main super power is and not give them any humanity. In the second, you might take that well-known superhero and go the easy dark road. What, he cusses? What, he does drugs? What, he's a slob? What, he wears tights and hangs out with young boys? The tough part is making it something we haven't seen.

One way to start is with the most defining part of a superhero, their power. Make a list of 10 super powers that you've never heard of or that you really wish you had.

Here's Chris's list:

1. Project emotions on other people

2. Read dirty thoughts of others (but only their dirty thoughts)

3. See people naked

4. Find parking spots at will

5. Turn water into Bud Light

6. Turn people into puppies

7. Impregnate women by looking at them

8. Detect when the train is coming

9. Tell weights and measure by sight

10. Sing like anyone you want to

Now pair each item on that list with someone who is most unlikely to have that power.

1. Two year old

2. Nun

3. Blind Man

4. Homeless Guy

5. AA Sponsor

6. A cat lady

7. 16 year old nerd

8. Keanu Reeves

9. Football Coach

10. Preacher

Now pick three of these and give them a cheesy (or not) super hero name.

Chris picked 1) the nun who heard people's dirty thoughts (Big Mother--as in "Big Mother is Watching You"; 2) Cat lady who turned people into puppies (The Puppler); and 3) 16 year old nerd that could impregnate women by looking at them (The Impregnanator)

Now create a villian to go along with your hero. It might be one of your three from above. The villian usually has powers that directly oppose the hero's.

Big Mother vs Pervo - he gives people really dirty thoughts

The Puppler vs Fire Hydrant Man - maybe he distracts all those puppies with his fire hydrants?

Impregnanator vs Captain Abortion - although maybe he would be a better sidekick

Another approach to this scene is to craft your hero first by figuring out who you would like to see have a super power that we you don't normally associate with the Clark Kents and Bruce Waynes of the world. Using something from your own life is a good place to start. For six months, I once temp-ed in the accounting department of a huge real estate conglomerate. I sat next to a woman probably named Mildred. She was probably in her 50's, a little squat and frumpy and I'm pretty sure that thing on her head was either a wig or a Chia pet. She had a little portable radio on her desk always barely audio and barely tuned to a soft rock station. Mildred will be my superhero.

Now, what powers will she have? I've already got her day job and alter ego. I imagine she gets summoned secretly by the Chief of Police via dedications read by dee-jays on the soft rock station. She seemed to spend most of her day typing and licking things (envelopes, mostly), so those will be her two big powers - speedy fingers and projectile moisture. I will call her The Administrator. She multi-tasks justice.

Now, that I have that, I just need to craft a scenario where her super powers will come into play. It could be via her arch enemy, which could be anything from The Merger to The De-Filer.
And, of course, your hero needs someone to save. So, perhaps Billy the temp has been trapped in the records room by The De-Filer and he's already made quite a mess. Etc, etc, etc.

Focus on heightening the scene by exploring their powers and vulnerabilities. The scene can be anything you want and doesn't necessarily have to be "heroic." Maybe The Impregnanator and Captain Abortion work at McDonald's together. You can also choose to forget the villian and just do a scene focusing on your hero and his powers and how they affect his daily life.

Have fun!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"This summer, waters off of central California are being invaded by what?"

The popular answer with 57% responding was "Surfing MILFS." If it's not already a website, it should be. Please send me the royalties

14% answered "E. Coli." Nah. Sadly, that's a given at any beach.

No one fell for "Cuddle Shark." While I'm sure even a shark needs a hug once in awhile, those are two words that do not belong together.

The correct answer, which 29% got, is "Giant Squid."

According to the Associated Press, these seven feet long, 110 pound cephalopods have been quite a problem as they have been preying on the anchovy and hake, competing with tuna, sharks and commercial fishermen. They used to only be found near the equater in the Pacific, but have been expanding their operation to as far north as Alaska. Scientists think it might have to do with either the warming of the ocean or a decrease in the population of those that prey on the rather phallic fish, mainly swordfish, large tuna, shark and surfing MILFS.

Almost Almost Famous!

I won my first award for my blog. By the way, I'm not a fan of that word. When it comes out my mouth, it sounds something like "buh-law-GUH."

It's called The Thinking Blogger Award and I received it from Don Hall. You're probably thinking, "Hey, he's your friend. Isn't that sort of like getting an award from your mom?" No. It's not. Don's a bit of a hard ass. And if my mom gave me an award it would be called The That's Nice, Dear Award. Don's also not the originator of it.

The origin of this award is The Thinking Blog.

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (you have a choice of a silver version or a gold one).

This award has really gone to my head. I plan on using it to parlay my superstar celebrity as a presence on the Internet. I'm talking big, paparazzi, coke habit, plastic surgery, going outside without my underwear on BIG!

I'm already practicing for when my mugshot gets plastered all over the news. This is my high out of my mind mugshot.


Check out the veins in the forehead and the intense anger-to-tears expression. Tabloid gold!

And this is my "incarcerated, but still hot" mugshot.


This just screams, "I'm naughty, but still love me all you little people." Gee, I hope Don doesn't ask for the award back after this post.

Here are the five bloggers that make me think and I am shining the bright light of this award on them.

1) Pete Ficht and Paul Custodio at The Graffiti Table.
They dazzle you with a lot of silly stuff while slipping in some smart and smartass commentary on advertising, music and the state of the nation.

2) Jane Espenson at Jane in Progress.
Jane is one of my favorite television writers. Equally savvy at comedy and drama as evidenced by her work on Buffy, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. She also lets you know what she had for lunch that day and it's gotten to where I would be disappointed if she ever stopped doing that.

3) Ken Levine at By Ken Levine.
Ken's one of the masters of the situation comedy. He's firmly rooted in history, as with his work on M*A*S*H, but he's not stuck there. He's got a lot of good stuff to say about comedy writing, television, the world and baseball.

4) Mike Gerber at mikegerber.com.
Mike is one smart, funny cookie. An excellent parodist and novelist. His daily commentaries are like a mint for your brain.

5) Adam Felber at Fanatical Apathy.
Adam's a regular on "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me!" and his off-kilter patriotic wit bleeds red, white and blue all over this blog.

I check these blogs every day. They make me think and they make me laugh. Of course, three out the five have never heard of me, but, oh, well. They make me think, I'm giving them an award. That's America!


ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT

AT 6:30PM AT THE UPTOWN WRITER'S SPACE!COME AND HAVE YOUR COMEDY SKETCH HEARD!

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"You're at a nightclub with your friend Billy Bibbet and he has an epileptic fit. According to medical experts, you should..."


No one picked "Call an ambulance, quick!" By the time they get there, the seizure will have passed and you'll be stuck with an ambulance bill, plus their drinks.

16% answered "Pretend he's dancing and join in!" Close, but it only works if you're wearing a toga and shout, "Gator!"

The popular answer with 66% was "Shove your tri-fold velcro wallet in his mouth!" A lot of people think you have to do this to keep the person from swallowing their tongue. Have you ever tried to swallow your tongue, or anyone else's? Unless it's part of a sandwich, it can't be done.

The correct answer, also with 16%, is "Whoa, give the dude some space!"

According to s recent report on the BBC, there are many potentially harmful myths about what to do when someone is having seizure, including the "shove something in their mouth" myth which could block their air passage. The best thing you can do is make sure they are safe and let it run its course, usually less than five minutes.

And yell, "GATOR!"