We Ain't Quitters!

Dear Mr. President,

How are you? I am fine. Hope you are enjoying your vacation. How about this weather?

Well, I finally figured it out.

There is a way to get out of the war in Iraq gracefully.

Don't worry. There will be no cutting. There will be no running.I Know how much you hate that option.

The answer has been right under our noses through most of your administration. Over a dozen high ranking officials and republican members of congress have been giving us the answer in droves.

We don't quit the war in Iraq. We retire from it.

Gonzales, Rove, Rumsfeld, for example, are geniuses. For some reason, when people retire in your administration, they seem to be absolved from any wrong doing. Everybody gets a clean slate and cake at the retirement party. It's a republican tradition dating back to Nixon. Respectfully retire from Iraq before the Shiite really hits the fan. Let someone else clean up the mess. Like the democrats.

I've even written up a little speech for you to give at a press conference. One of those press conferences where the reporters don't ask questions (like it's their job or something!).

I picture you dressed as Uncle Sam. Deepen your voice an octave or two to give that ol' Wilford Brimley "I'm folksy and wise" kind of sound. But you could also hire someone. Rich Little could probably use more work. Then you can read your retirement letter.

"My fellow Americans,

I hereby announce my retirement from the Iraq War. As you know, I love this war. I have put a lot of your time and money into it. Thousands of U.S. soldiers have lost their lives fighting this war. Gobs and gobs more Iraqi civilians have lost their lives as a result of our liberation of their country. It's hard to tell how many exactly because they don't speak English, yet, and have been unable to clearly tell us they are dead.

After giving my all to this war for the past five years, I have decided to leave. I need to spend more time with my family. That's you, America (wink). We'll finally be able to go play ball and have a picnic. And we can have that talk about sex that's long overdue.

While it's been a difficult war, even on it's worst days, it was better than my father's war. We killed more people, including Saddam Hussein and his boys, and grabbed more oil.

As I retire into the private sector, I am not leaving Iraq to fend for itself. No, Sireee. I already have a replacement for myself. Latvia, one of the few remaining coalition countries with forces still there, will continue to stand for democracy. All twelve of them.

I'll see you on down the road.

God Bless Me,

Uncle Sam"

Well? What do you think? I think it's golden and you can use it and I won't even take credit for it like that guy suing Disney over Hannah Montana. Did you hear about that? That's like someone suing you for stealing war strategies from LBJ. You crazy Texans and your wars in foreign countries!

Yours in Christ,

Joe

P.S. If you want to do one of those quickie recess appointments to replace Gonzales, I am ready and available. I have cleared my schedule and can start immediately. I have no law experience, but I can see where that would be an asset working for you.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In Oklahoma City, a church deacon got into a fight in a bar with a Texan over a t-shirt. What did the deacon do?"

18% said he "Traded the t-shirt for a Bible"
- Hmm, they both do have that "I'm with Stupid" appeal, but no.

No one fell for "Turned his other cheek" or "Prayed for the Texan's soul"
- We all know you never turn your cheek in a crowded bar and that Texans have no souls. Okay, just most Texans. Hank Hill's got soul.

82% nailed it with "Tore the man's scrotum"

According to NBC, the Texan was wearing a Longhorns t-shirt in Sooners country. The deacon made an undisclosed derogatory comment about it, the Texan took offense, and as mature grown men would do, they went outside for some good ol' fashioned Queen's Rules fisticuffs. Actually, only one of them made it outside. The Texan moved toward the deacon and the deacon grabbed the guy's cajones in self-defense, then ran. That's right, as in football, a good defense is a good offense. The police report described injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles. Score one for God and, apparently, untrimmed fingernails!

Shakespeare Improvis-ed

Last Friday, I sat in with The Improvised Shakespeare Company. If you haven't seen this show, it is one of the best improvised shows in the city. There's about a dozen players on the roster and the show usually features between five and eight each week. Schedules were tight last week so there were only four of us; Blaine Swen, Ross Bryant, Ric Walker and me.

We really paint ourselves into a corner.

The show is -

- two acts - completely improvised off a title suggested by the audience - each anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes in length, depending on how the story is unfolding

- done in the style and themes of Shakespeare, this includes (trying to) avoiding anachronisms

- done with absolutely no props or costumes, aside from the poofy shirts we're already wearing

- entertaining to the audience, regardless of their familiarity with the bard

Many people assume at the intermission that we are backstage plotting out the second act. We're not. We're usually just sitting around giggling, very manly giggling, about the first act. The only thing we do is recount the characters everyone is playing and what they want. This helps us remember names and helps us, as individual players, see the big picture of the portion of the story we just told. And that's it. We don't even discuss where we'll start when we resume with the second act.

There's a lot of immersion work that goes on in preparing for the show. The best way to learn how to improvise Shakespearean dialogue is to do it. A lot. The cast meets for two hours a week outside the show to do just that. We've also had rehearsal where we studied safe-to-improvise stage combat, watched DVDs of Shakespeare plays, taken vocabulary quizzes and met with professors of literature. It sounds like hard work, but when you enjoy Shakespeare, it's a lot of fun.

During the show, when not on stage, you are off to the side watching the action. Since it's a two-act play, it's very important to know what's going on at every moment. People often play multiple characters, so it's also important to notice their different affectations. Otherwise, someone walks in as "Wormwood" and you call them "Rodinal." This happens probably once or twice a show creating a sudden shift in the player or an awkward moment of confusion.

You're also paying acute attention to see how you can support the scene currently on stage. And I do stress support. Some of our scenes can run very long compared to other improvised shows. It's important to make sure you are adding to the scene and not "saving it" because you think the audience "might" be bored.

Another thing you're doing off to the side is rolling through your head possible directions for the story to go and looking for what might be the best next step for you to take to forward the story and the action. And, of course, being willing to let go of whatever you think should happen next for whatever is happening next.

On Friday, our audience-provided title was King Rodney III. Blaine played King Rodney, protecting the shores of England from the invading Irish. The play unfolded with some Macbeth-ian and Hamlet-ian overtones. Rodney killed his father to take the throne and his father's apparition (Ross) came to haunt him. Three witches foretold Rodney's rise to the throne and his death by the hand of his son. His son (Ric) was a complete wimp who preferred to play with dolls than do battle. I played King Rodney's General, Reginald, an Irish soldier named Dugan, and Prince Rodney III, Jr's n'uncle. Since there was four of us, we all played multiple roles, which made the battle between England and Ireland a lot of fun.

The show went well. A lot of action, death, over-the-top emotions, mystery and bloodshed. My girlfriend said it was the most Shakespearean of the shows she's seen us do. And the big treat was that two of the creators of The Reduced Shakespeare Company, Reed Martin and Austin Tichenor, were in the audience. They were in town putting together their show, Completely Hollywood (abridged) and The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged), over at the Royal George. They chatted with us after the show and were super nice and told us how much they enjoyed the show. The biggest compliment they gave us was to ask us if we had any standard bits that we always did in the show. We don't. You can hear us plug our show on their latest podcast.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"A comedy writer is suing Disney because he claims he came up with the idea for 'Hannah Montana,' except his show was named what?"

30% answered "Dakota North Dakota"
- A Disney Dakota Fanning vehicle, no doubt, but no.

10% thought it might be "Eat My Schwartz"
- A Mel Brooks pitch, I'm sure, but no.

10% picked "Out and a Sprout"
- The world's first kid's show featuring a gay single parent and his spy baby. I'd watch that. Disney wouldn't.

The correct answer is "Rock and Roland"

According to the Associated Press, Buddy Sheffield, who has written for The Smothers Brothers Show and In Living Color, says he pitched an idea for a television series called Rock and Roland to the Disney Channel in 2001. The story was about a junior high school student who lived a secret double life as a rock star, according to the lawsuit. Disney Channel officials at first liked the idea, but ultimately passed on it, the lawsuit alleges. The Disney Channel's Hannah Montana is about high school student Miley Stewart, who lives a secret double life as a famous pop star. Cases like this are tricky and hard to prove for either side. It might be that Disney liked his idea, but didn't like it enough and couldn't quite figure out what the project needed to work. And then someone else, independent of Sheffield, pitched Hannah Montanna, and it clicked in a way the other idea didn't. Then, again, some executive may have been sneaky about it and made Sheffield's idea his own. Given the entertainment industry's impeccable rep for honesty and integrity, it's hard to believe something like that could ever happen.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The World of Commander McBragg (debuted in 1963)




So, here's something I didn't know. The World of Commander McBragg was a staple of The Underdog Show, which began in 1964. It was also a staple of Tennessee Tuxedo and his Tales, which ran for one year in 1963. Poor Tennessee was went from the main attraction to fellow rotating segment when Underdog became the anchor.

The commander was a classic character. An older British fellow who liked to corner unwilling listeners at the upper crust men's club he frequented. Often we would find him and another gentleman who "really needs to be going" sitting in overstuffed chairs in a library near a globe. The commander would regale the gentleman with his fantastic, and highly improbable, tales of adventure from all around the world.

Here's a weird and loose pre-Kevin Bacon six degrees thing. The cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn, voiced by Mel Blanc, was based on a comic character called Senator Claghorn that was performed by Kenny Delmar. The older British man with the stiff upper lip was often personified in Hollywood movies by a character actor named C. Aubrey Smith. Smith is believed to be the inspiration for the commander. Kenny Delmar was the voice of Commander McBragg.

I have fond memories of McBragg. In looking up the cartoons for this, I was surprised to find each episode was only a minute and a half! They are packed to the gills with adventure. What I also find hysterical now, that I didn't notice then, is that the commander always looks the same age, even in flashbacks where he invents the aeroplane or builds the first pyramid.

Jim Zulevic and Brian Stack from The Second City were also fans of Commander McBragg and created a piece called The Men's Club where they traded tales of adventure that were acted out by the rest of the ensemble. I got to perform it with Peter Gwynn while I was in The Second City Touring Company. Some of the most fun I had on stage with that company.

Here's a classic tale from the commander that rivals Phineas Fogg's trip around the world. Enjoy!





McBragg also made a cameo on The Simpsons not too long ago. Here are the scenes in which he appeared.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to President Bush, the following terms 'boat people,' 're-education camps' and 'killing fields' were created by what?"

100% of you got the right answer on this... "The U.S.'s withdrawal from Vietnam"

And it's a good thing to. If anyone had gone for any of the fake answers I would have turned this website around and gone home. I mainly threw it in there because I am so upset about this and haven't been able to approach writing a commentary on it. After years of denying any correlation between Vietnam and Iraq, Bush finally makes a connection. The wrong connection, an inaccurate but a connection. The reason the U. S.'s withdrawal from Vietnam was such a clusterf@ck is because it was ill-planned and OVERDUE! Are we really going to have to sit through another year of this butthead and his cronies? Why did impeachment become so unfashionable when it is so desperately needed. Hey, I'd settle for a good tar and feathering for Misters Bush and Cheney. Throw Rove, Rumsfield and Gonzales in there, too.

Parody Pariah

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

If you are a writer of one of my shows and you bring in a television, film or song parody, you're going to have a tough time convincing me it should be in the show. (I can be swayed, however. It usually involves gift baskets and massages.) My reluctance is two-fold. Most parodies that come across my imaginary comedy desk simply take something well known and add profanity or sexual behavior. I'm really not interested in putting Mr. Brady on stage beating his wife and screwing his daughters. I also believe parody is best served in the medium it's having fun with. TV and film parodies work best on video. Song parodies work best when the song sounds as much as possible like the original. There's a reason Weird Al has been able to sustain a career based on parodies. He's a brilliant producer and surrounds himself with top-notch musicians. (I haven't seen him live in concert in over ten years, but if you ever get the chance, go. His band rocks and he puts on a good show.)

Better suited for the stage are theater and literature parodies and good on ya' if you tackle one of those.

The assignment for this week is to write a short parody of a TV show or a film. The following exercises can be useful for any kind of parody you're up for, however.

First - Pick your target. I think it's best to write parodies based on shows you really do enjoy. It's important that you are able to emulate the language and feel of the material. I also think it works best NOT to pick a current comedy. You could imitate the style of The Office but I think doing a parody would likely fall flat. You're just not going to be as funny as the original. There's more comedy gold in focusing on something that takes itself a more seriously.

I'm picking Lost. I'm a huge fan and I have a few frustrations with the show. I'll flesh out some defining elements with a trusty brainstorming list of ten

1) mysterious island
2) flashbacks
3) love triangle
4) mysterious corporation
5) mysterious "others"
6) secret hatches
7) doctor
8) philosopher
9) bad boy/ con man
10) fat dude

The key to writing a successful parody is to distill all the elements that define that particular show or genre. It's like doing a caricature of someone. You make it look as much like the person as possible and exaggerate the hell out of one of the features. Using the above list, I could craft a scene where everything is over-the-top mysterious and nothing gets solved.

Another parody technique is to simply change one key element. This can also be worthy of a list of ten.

1) instead of an island, they are lost at CostCo
2) the mysterious corporation is Starbucks
3) the others on the island are illegal aliens
4) Hurley is Jared from Subway
5) the love triangle is a love octagon
6) they follow a bunny down a hatch
7) a boat washes ashore - it's the S. S. Minnow
8) swap the cast with characters from Gilligan's Island
9) Neo from The Matrix is the real bad guy
10) it's done in the style a 1960's Beach Blanket movie

Now, I think most of these ideas are crap. That's the beauty of a list of ten. I don't need all ten ideas, I only need one. I could see myself writing a scene about a group of people lost at CostCo. I also really like Lost as a Beach Blanket Bingo-type movie. Jack as Frankie, Kate as Annette, Sawyer as some muscle-bound super surfer stud. Ben as Eric Von Zipper and the others as his gang.

Can't stress enough to keep it simple. Stick to what's familiar with the show except for that one thing. Some comedy writers might take two or three things from that list of ten and try to squeeze them all in. It usually ends up muddying the effort.

Also, keep in mind that you are writing for the stage. There are no close-ups. Props and costumes are limited. If you find that too much of a constraint, then go ahead and write it for video. Thanks to digital technology, it's a lot easier these days to cobble together a finished product.

When someone does pitch a parody to me and I see some potential in it for more, I usually push for a rewrite that makes it less parody and more scene. Bob Chinn wrote a parody of To Catch A Predator for a show I directed that was fine. The "predator" coming in was just a guy under the belief that the garage was for rent. I asked Bob to drop the parody of the actual program and beef up the relationships. He came back dropping the news anchor and replacing him with a vigilante suburban father running his own predator sting and using his daughter for bait. The mistaken garage renter remained the same. It was a very funny scene, arguably now more satirical in nature, and, because he dropped the parody aspect, it has a longer shelf life. That's the other thing about parody, if it's imitating a very specific subject, it only works well as long as that subject is in the spotlight.

So, after you write your parody, take a closer look at it. There might be a damn good scene hiding in there. Be willing to strip away the parody aspects to find out.

Here's some Weird Al taking a parody whack at Bob Dylan.






THE IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE COMPANY

I'm performing in it tonight. 8pm. iO. B. Y. O. C. P. (Bring your own cod piece)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Portsmouth, New Hampshire police were able to quickly find a reported drug dealer because of the accused's what?"

A whopping 66% picked "Lack of arms and legs"
- "Quick! Get him! He's rolling away!" No, that's not it.

8% chose "Orange tuxedo and matching fuzzy hat"
- No and please stop making fun of my prom tux.

NOBODY picked "Shark fin hairdo"
- Apparently, no one thought that would stand out in New Hampshire.

26% figured out the correct answer "Heavily tattooed face"

According to the Associated Press, police found it pretty easy to spot Eric Hardcastle because of the row of tattooed arrows over each of his eye brows, a tattoo on his forehead and scalp and matching markings on each cheek. Maybe he could find work on Pequod hunting Moby Dick.

One from the Vonnegut

Ah, Vonnegut's rules for writing fiction.

Applicable to all forms of writing, even sketch comedy. These have been all over the Internet and beyond. If you haven't read these rules by Kurt Vonnegut and you are a writer, they are a treat. If you have read them before, they are always worth re-reading, but I included my imagined responses from Michael Bay (director of Transformers and Armageddon) just to keep you entertained.

Vonnegut's Eight Rules for Writing Fiction

Here is Kurt Vonnegut's advice to writers in "Eight Rules of Writing Fiction" from his book Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

MB- Three words... Ka-Boom! Jiggle! Rock!

...and one long tedious love scene accompanied by a lame rock ballad so the stranger can go to the can or buy more popcorn.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

MB - It's called the Good Guy. The one who I allow my cameras to linger over their steely gaze. Root for him. The music will tell you when.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

MB - Yeah. A glass of water full of Ka-Boom!

4. Every sentence must do one of two things – reveal character or advance the action.

MB - I say, do both! Nothing reveals more about a character than what gun they shoot repeatedly in an action scene.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

MB - Then stretch it out over two hours with lots of Ka-Boom! Jiggle! Rock!

6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them – in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

MB - Awful things like; hurl a meteor at them, attack them with giant robots, bomb them with Japanese kamikazes, team them up with Martin Lawrence

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

MB - If by "make love" you mean "Ka-boom! Jiggle! Rock!" then, I am pleased!

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

MB - This is what the movie poster is for. The rest is a proven formula of 75% Ka-Boom! 25% PG-13 Jiggle! and 50% Rock!

Vonnegut conveys more on his craft with these brief rules than many who have written books on the subject.

MB - I have read books!

This version of the rules, sans Mr. Bay's comments, comes from Gray Swan Press, an independent book publisher. Check out the facts column on their blog page.Interesting stuff about famous books and authors.

PURPLE ZEBRA EGGPLANT



Good title for a dada poem. It sounds like I randomly strung three words together, but no. It's a really cool looking type of eggplant. I killed it, cooked it and et it, yesterday. You know what it tastes like? Eggplant.

ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT!

Come get your sketch comedy freak on. Have your scene read and receive feedback (not from Michael Bay). Tonight at the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway at Lawrence (not Martin) at 6:30pm. Goes til 8pm. $5 (Cheap!)

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A woman in Des Moines was recently arrested for assaulting people with a hammer while what?"

50% said "Dressed as Thor"
- Nope. And I will kindly ask you to keep your perverted fanstasy life out of my quiz!

17% answered "Volunteering for Habitat for Humanity"
- No. You don't want to piss off Jimmy Carter. He's a maniac when he gets angry.

17% also picked "Drunk out of her mind"
- The likely choice, but the police report made no mention of intoxicants of any kind. Of course, the cops may have been tripping.

Only 16% got the right answer, "Naked as a jaybird"

According to the Associated Press, Satin Delfrano, 32, of Des Moines was arrested on Sunday after police were called to a complaint of a woman armed with a hammer assaulting three other women. Delfrano also was charged with assault, assault of a police officer, obstruction of emergency communications, third-degree criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. Busy, busy, busy. Satin should change her name to Velvet Hammer. Or just Nutbag.

Shouting "Movie!" in a Firehouse

Dada is orchestrated chaos.

Sound and fury, signifying nothing.

In 1916, Dada was created by a group of ex-patriates who found themselves in Zurich full of outrage over World War I.

Some members of the original group saw art's potential as an instrument for political change. Others just rejected the "rationality" of the world, arguing for absurdist or primitive approaches to what was traditionally defined as art. Content was less important than audience reaction. They sought to break down the barriers between forms, mixing and matching them in new, unexpected and sometimes shocking ways.

They were certainly able to do that at that time. People weren't staying at home zoning out to American Idol. They sought art and entertainment. They had their expectations of what to regard as art or entertainment in galleries and cabarets. Dada threw everything the audience knew out the window and, sometimes, the audience themselves.

How can you have this sort of effect in this day and age? People have more control over their entertainment than ever before. They can preview it, buy it, carry it with them, Tivo it, rent it, stop it or start it at will, see it whenever they like wherever they like.

It's hard enough to get someone to choose theater over other easier-to-control mediums. There's no pause button and, oftentimes, if you don't like what you see on stage, it's difficult to impossible to leave. If you're bored, you suffer. So, how do you get someone to come see Dada? They won't be bored, but it's unlikely they'll have the same whack-to-the-side-of-the-head experience audiences had almost 100 years ago. Or even that they are looking for such a thing.

The artists, though, are coming from a near identical place as the founders.

Outrage at war. - CHECK!

Rejection of popular art. - CHECK!

While Dada is certainly good for creativity, what's in it for the audience? Were there Dada fans in 1916? Were the artists just performing for one another? What the hell good is Dada any way? Then or now?

The people most likely to come to our show know what they are getting into. They've seen Dada before or they know enough to be curious. They aren't coming expecting to see anything familiar or safe. For people who who keep a steady flow of money going through the pockets of the producers of Tony and Tina's Wedding or Wicked, I have no doubt that Soiree Dada: Blinde Essel Hopse will be an invigorating experience. But why would they bother to come? What value would they see in it for themselves?

It's a good question to ask and it's okay to not have an answer.

Dada is a question. Dada was never an answer.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"Louisiana State University researchers have discovered that a common cold virus also promotes what?"

50% answered "Baldness"
- No. Although it would explain why I always have the sniffles and leave a trail of hair.

12% picked "Rickets"
- No. I just like the word. Say it with me, slowly, "r-i-c-k-e-t-s." Fun, yes?

Nobody answered the virus promotes "New Prince CDs"
- If it were possible, he would. Until then, no.

38% got it right with "Obesity"

According to an AFP news report, a common virus that causes colds can be a factor in obesity. What's that saying? "Feed a cold, starve a fever?" Apparently, this virus feeds the cold Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

...And We Get The Shaft

You've probably been following the heart-breaking efforts to rescue the coal mine workers in Utah.

Something's been gnawing at me about it.

At first, I ignored this impulse because, for crying out loud, it was a mining accident. I can't blame Bush for everything. Turns out, I can. Bush didn't learn from the "Heckuva job, Brownie" FEMA/Katrina fiasco. His dogged pursuit of cronyism and placing the most unqualified corporate friendly yahoos in the highest positions may have lead to the severity of the disaster and foul ups in the rescue efforts. Check out the man who leads the rescue effort, Mine and Health Safety Administrator, Richard Stickler.

This is from ABC.

Stickler's rocky road to appointment

Also coming to light, is the fact that Stickler's nomination to head the mine administration was twice rejected by congress and rejected when republicans were still in charge. Rejected reportedly by senators who were concerned about Stickler's safety record when he operated mines. After his nomination was twice rejected by the Senate, President Bush gave Richard Stickler the mine safety job with a recess appointment. That's a presidential appointment made when congress is not in session.

When did Bush push that sneaky recess appointment of Stickler to mine safety czar? October 2006. One year and one month after Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and the Gulf Coast states.

Mad as hell? Me, too. Tired of this crooked administration getting a blank check? Me, too. Feel like there's nothing we can do about it that will make a difference? Me, too.

Well, if you can't beat 'em...

Dear Mr. President;

How are you? I am fine. Hope you are enjoying your vacation.

As you go into your final year and few months in office, it appears as though some members of your administration are leaving. You might be worried about this . Who's going to take one of these jobs that will likely only last til a more discerning, and less fun, commander-in-chief takes office?

Fear not. I am here.

I am ready and willing to take up any position you would like to appoint me to. It looks like that mine safety seat might be opening up soon, but, really, I am equally unqualified for any position you would like me to fill.

Here is a list of my key attributes that I think you might find desirable for someone in your employ.

1) I am able to put a positive spin on any bad situation. (Just ask my creditors when payments are late. I can often be heard on the phone saying things like, "Rest assured, we are on top of it.")

2) I wear long sleeves all year round and often roll them up to give the appearance that I have been hard at work.

3) I have several "looks" that are perfect for cameras. In my photo-op canon, I have at the ready; "Lock Jaw Stoic," "Head-Slightly-Cocked with Compassion" and, my masterpiece, "The Furrowed Brow of Concern."

My only weak points are that I work too hard and care too much (Ha! See number one of my key attributes. I told you I was good!)

With Congress on recess, this, as you know, is the perfect opportunity to put me in. And if it gets out that I usually vote democrat, then, great! This will get those bi-partisan whiners off your back.

As far as salary and benefits go, I'm willing to make do with whatever the minimum six-figure starting pay is plus health insurance (Eat me, Michael Moore!). I'm sure there are some other perks offered by corporations that will help me get by on such a paltry starting wage.

It's not about the money, any way, Mr. President. I am here to serve you and our country. And when I say our country - I do mean your country and my country. Not the democrats' or republican turncoats' country. Or the terrorists.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Yours in Christ,

Joe

THE ELDERS OF THE DARK TOWER (OF XXORON)

This is something Mike Gerber featured on his website. I thought you and my friends over at The Graffiti Table would enjoy it. It was created by a group called The Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron). It's an excellent example of commercial parody.






WHAT'S ANU WITH YOU?

Anu Alphonse is the musician working with Planet Terrance and me on the Around the Coyote project. Here's his MySpace page which features a few of his songs. He played The Dance for us and, it may be because it was the first time I heard it, I have a slight preference to the live acoustic version he performed. Check out all his songs, though, especially Weather Girl. Hopefully, Anu's busy schedule won't prevent him from performing live at our shows.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In an Orlando, Florida guns-for-sneakers exchange last week, police were surprised when a man turned in what?"

28% said "Civil War Gatling Gun"
- Nope. He wasn't holding on to it in case of a North-South re-match, either.

14% said "A love gun"
- That's not it, either. Even though I'm not exactly sure what a love gun is, I don't think the cops would swap a pair of shoes for one.

Nobody went for "An antique canon"
- I was shooting blanks with that one. Or maybe with my love gun.

58% got the right answer of "A surface-to-air missile launcher"


A freakin' what?

Yes. A surface-to-air missile.

According to the Associated Press, an anonymous Florida man turned it in for a pair of size three Reeboks for his daughter. He said he found it in a shed he tore down last week and none of the dumps he took it to would take it. More proof that everyone in Florida is insane. Crazy from the heat and humidity. Pretty bad when I consider the only sane place down there to be a theme park run by a mouse.