Nobel Peace Surprise!

Bush to Welcome Gore to White House

By LIZ MARLANTES and GREG McCOWN
Nov. 25, 2007

Forget the Mideast peace talks. A meeting that may require even greater diplomacy will take place Monday in the Oval Office, when President Bush receives America's Nobel Prize winners — including his one-time rival, Al Gore.

A lot has happened to both men in the seven years since the 2000 election.

The president has faced terrorist attacks, natural disasters, and war; the former vice president left politics to campaign against global warming.

But while Bush saw his popularity plummet, Gore's star has been rising of late — with his Oscar-winning movie "An Inconvenient Truth," and the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on climate change.

So, when they meet in the Oval Office on Monday, will they finally bury the hatchet? Don't bet on it.

You can read the rest of the story from ABC News HERE.

So, how is the exchange between the two men going to go? I think it will go something like this...

GEORGE

Hey, Al. Things didn't turn out so bad for us. I was elected president twice and you won a Noble Peace Prize.

AL

Well, George, you really were only elected once, maybe. And it's Nobel.

GEORGE

That's what I said. Didn't know we were serving sour grapes at our little soiree today. You know, that little trophy of yours would look good on my mantle.

AL

It's a medallion, George. See?

GEORGE

A medallion? Doesn't even have your picture on it. Looks like a big token. Do you redeem it for a prize, like at Chuck E. Cheese?

AL

No, George, the medallion is the prize. And the thing about a Peace Prize is that you have to do something that promotes peace on the planet to get it.

GEORGE

I promote peace. I'm all about peace. My war on terror is so we can have peace.

AL

War makes war, George, not peace.

GEORGE

Yeah, well, I betcha a few well placed phone calls will get me one of those. Who would I be up against for one of those next year? I'll bet Dick's got some dirt on 'em.

AL

The Supreme Court and the entire state of Florida won't be able to get you one of these.

GEORGE

Then I'll make my own. I'm the president. I'm The Decider. I decided I was The Decider. I've decided to give myself the George W. Bush Nobler Peace Prize. And it'll be big. Like a bowling trophy. With a little statue of me on top in my flight suit giving the peace sign or holding a gun or something.

AL

I have to go. Thanks for lunch.

GEORGE

You going to eat that potato?

Al Gore shares his prize with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. I don't know who is going to be there representing them, but I can't imagine this being a lot of fun for them. Then, again, given that both parties are pro-environment and meeting the worst president in the history of the United States who puts blood and money before clean air and water, maybe they can gang up on him a bit.

Everyone thinks Gore will be prickly to Bush over the election, but there's a lot more to be prickly about. Al Gore was one of the most active vice-presidents in history (minus a bunker in an undisclosed location). Bill Clinton used him well in trimming a lot of fat in government spending and in beefing up the powers of the EPA. Together, they reduced the deficit to an all time low. Bush has squandered all that and pushed the deficit to a record-breaking high while getting us into a war that will cost America, as of now, three trillion dollars. He could very well bankrupt this country. If Al hasn't picked out a spot yet to display his Peace Prize, I think a lovely place would be up GW's arse.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A man in Michigan shot his neighbor's pregnant cow because it looked like what?"

57% said "A polar bear."
- Ah, but that would be too logical.

28% said "His mother-in-law."
- Boo-yah! My first mother-in-law joke! I am on fire, folks!

No one thought is was "A bunny." Sniff.

15% got the correct answer, "A coyote."

According to the Associated Press, in Colfax, Michigan, a man says he shot and killed a neighbor's cow after mistaking it for a coyote. Authorities and the owner are skeptical. Undersheriff Rory Heckman said the man then tried to drag the cow home. Not sure if he still thought it was a coyote while he was trying to drag 1,400 pounds of dead meat. I'm thinking he had a year's supply of coyote burgers - and steak, and ribs - on his mind.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space (1972-1974)





Oh, hell, yes! What do you do with a cartoon that's only doing so-so one year? You put it in outer space the next! With only the thinnest of justifications - the gang is invited to play at a space launch and accidentally fall into a space hatch - the core cast of Josie and the Pussycats are transplanted to the outer realms of the galaxy. The lyrics to the catchy theme song are clunkily rehashed to insert the word "outer space" and other space references.

"Josie and the Pussycats" was produced by Hanna-Barbara in 1970 and looks like a smash-up of The Archies and Scooby-Doo. In fact, Josie is a character spun off of The Archies cartoon. The "gang" strongly resembles the Scoobies and Alexandra is just Veronica with a widow's peak. They thwarted bad guys and played original Josie and the Pussycats pop tunes over the credits. On a very strong plus side, one of the Pussycats was African-American and she was often the sharpest knife in the drawer. Hard to say if she was the first major African-American regular cartoon character on Saturday morning, but she is most likely the first black female.

Some trivia, a pre-Charlie's Angels Cheryl Ladd sang and provided voices for the show.

Here are the opening credits...



I'm not sure which episode this is from, but here's a scene where some of the gang have been turned into children and Valerie, the smart black chick, tries to turn them back to their right age. It features one of my pet peeves, a young person playing an older person and using the word "whipper-snapper."



As in Scooby-Doo, chase scenes were often accompanied by songs that were completely unrelated to the action. Unfortunately, I could not find any chase scenes from the outer space version of the show. So, here's one from the original...

Blech Friday

(No Robowriters assignment today as we did not meet last night. It will return next week.)

Americans love to be distracted. We really are just killing time until time kills us. So, of course we want to do that with as much comfort and entertainment as possible. This is why the news is chock full of celebrity meltdowns and missing white suburban wives. We only hear about presidential candidates when they say something catty about an opponent or some dirt is unearthed about them. Natural disasters, when the footage is awesome. Horrible, horrible things for those immediately involved, but most of us aren't involved and devour the latest tidbits with glee.

Today is Black Friday. The newspapers and news shows will be choking us with shopping tips and updates on how the holiday season is shaping for up for the merchants. Look for reporters on the scene at shopping malls that opened at 4am interviewing the boneheads who camped out all night so they can be the first to stampede into the store and grab up the latest Prozackean Elmo toy. Look for the news shows to repeat ad nauseam shots of shoppers running into the stores like its the running of the bulls, especially if someone gets trampled or a fist fight breaks out. This will all be the lead news and the front page headlines.

While the media conglomerates dangle this shiny bauble of "news" in front of us, other news might go unnoticed. Here are a few headlines I plucked out unrelated to shopping that you might find interesting...

From the Chicago Sun-Times, whose main front page headline is about ex-cop Drew Peterson and his missing wife, there's this news article about how the Jose de Diego Community Academy in Chicago has had to ration its drinking water since the middle of September when a main waterline broke there. The break has been fixed, but the city Water Management Department has yet to give them a clean bill of health of health. Students are only allowed four ounces of drinking water a day! It's a bureaucratic mess. You can read the whole article HERE.

From the Chicago Tribune, 23 civilians were killed in Iraq in two separate bombings. One of the bombs was at a pet market, so tally up an untold number of adorable critters with that number, too. And among the fatalities were over 60 wounded. It's easy to file these numbers in the "Blah-Blah-Blah Crazy People Blowing Each Other Up" folder and forget about it. But these are human beings. Our foreign policy ineptitude has a lot to do with why they are now dead. If you have a hard time putting a face to the numbers, I recommend reading the article. The reporter interviewed some people at the market and paints a good picture of their lives. You can read the whole article HERE.

It's not all bad news that gets buried, but it mostly is. I had to dig around on the Internet for about 20 minutes to find this on CNN... The Queen (you know, THE Queen) is giving some lovin' to Uganda for their peace-keeping efforts. You can read about it HERE.

But, hey, it's a holiday weekend. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. I just ask that we not turn a blind eye to what's really going on out there. Banking on us not wanting to really know what's going on and not caring is how the assholes got in charge in the first place.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Wednesday, I asked...

"British scientists have found the fossil of an insect with what unusual feature?"

30% said "It has male pattern baldness."
- And next to it, a fossilized comb and tube of hair gel. Sadly, it's the first evidence of a comb over.

15% said "It's already been in a Jurassic Park sequel."
- Not yet. But it will be.

No one fell for "It ate a human."

55% nailed it with "It's as big as a Buick."

According to the Associated Press, British scientists have stumbled across a fossilized claw, part of an ancient sea scorpion, that is of such large proportion it would make the entire creature the biggest bug ever. How big? Bigger than you, and at 8 feet long as big as some cars. These scientist are too easily impressed. They obviously haven't seen some of the cockroaches I've encountered here in Chicago.

The First Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Julie and I are off to Michigan to spend it with her grandmother, parents and, apparently, someone named Maurice who thinks Julie is an alcoholic because he saw her drink a glass of wine, once. My turkey alternative will be acorn squash stuffed with brown rice, fake ground beef, onions, celery and other savory goodies.

Here's a scene from Addams Family Values depicting the first Thanksgiving. Satirical, sharp, and hee-larious.

The Waiting

Two weeks ago, I posted about doing writing auditions. I did so because I had one. Yay, me! I won't give the particulars, because it doesn't seem cool to do so while in the process of it all. I will say that it is a fun project that would allow me to use my satirical skills and could lead to a weekly gig. The part that bugs me is that I submitted my audition material a week and a half ago and haven't heard anything. Not even a response to let me know my materials were received. Argh! Don't these people realize how brilliant I am!

My fiancee tells me to be patient and that this is pretty common in the business world. My inclination is to chalk it up to small companies with an artistic bent where people are wearing multiple hats and no one has time to deal with the simple "Hey, thanks, got it, we'll be in touch" stuff. But according to Julie, she ran into that all the time while she was job hunting. She would submit a resume and cover letter and months would go by before being asked to come in for an interview. Then maybe a few more months before a second interview. All the while not hearing anything from them in between. And this is from companies that are worldwide and have been around a hundred years or so.

The lesson for me to re-apply here is the lesson I learned as an actor auditioning for commercials. Once the audition is over, pat yourself on the back for doing the best you could do and then move one. Focus on the next audition. Even though you know you nailed it and they would be crazy NOT to call you and you really, really need the money, it's over and it's out of your hands. The more I find and generate other opportunities, the less stressed I'll be about "that one" and why haven't they called or e-mailed? It's that unattractive air of desperation one gets after a first date that they hope quickly leads to marriage. Chill. Relax. They'll call you if they want you and, if they do, wouldn't it be nice if you had a few different offers to choose from any way?

So, the key to waiting after submitting your material for a writing audition is not to wait. Get working on a new project, find a new opportunity to submit material to, polish that material you know needs a rewrite, keep getting your work out there.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Rapper Jay-Z's new video 'Blue Magic' features him carrying a briefcase full of what?"

55% said "iPhones"
- Nothing says street cred like an iPhone, homie.

10% said "Shell Gas Cards"
- Now that oil is $100 a barrel, this could be the new bling.

No one, much to my dismay, thought it was "Starbucks Coffee"

35% got it right with "Euro Notes"

According to the BBC, wads of dollar bills are usually as much a part of rap videos as fast cars, diamond-encrusted jewellery and scantily-clad models. But in an apparent nod to the low value of the dollar, rapper Jay-Z's new video "Blue Magic" features another currency. He is seen cruising the streets of New York in Bentleys and Rolls Royces (now owned by Germany's Volkswagen and BMW) with a briefcase of 500 euro notes. Well, that's finally the last nail in the coffin of America, isn't it folks? What's next? Are gangsta rappers going to stop buying their bullets at Wal-Mart and start buying them at Ikea? American Gangster, my butt.

Effingham, Baby

Here, briefly, is the story of asking Julie to marry me.

Wanting to keep it a small, intimate affair, I hired a dancing elephant. The elephant, named Salted, was trained to do a little tap dance to the tune of "Tea for Two" while dressed like a pirate and at the very end, present Julie with the ring on the end of his trunk. I picked up the elephant on Friday afternoon and put it in the backseat of the car under a blanket. Then I picked up Julie from her workplace and we headed to Clarksville.

My dad lives in Clarksville, Tennessee. Saturday night was a celebration for his 75th year of plodding around the planet in his underwear on Saturday mornings making grunting sounds. Not wishing to steal the thunder away from his 3/4 century marker, my plan was to propose to Julie on Friday evening in Effingham, Illinois. Effingham (say it out loud, it sounds like you are swearing at pork) is the halfway point between Chicago and Clarksville. I didn't know when I was going to ask her, but the elephant and I were ready to go when the perfect moment presented itself.

We arrived in Effingham at 7:30pm and got a room at the Paradise-On-A-Budget Motel. Not to skimp on such a special evening, I booked us The Luv Room. The Luv Room featured a round bed with a vibrating feature known as "magic fingers." Basically, this is a man named Chet who slept under the bed and would shake it for fifteen minutes at a time for a quarter. Yes, it's a little creepy to have a man named Chet under your bed, but you cannot argue the value we got per quarter. That was really the only feature that qualified it as a Luv Room. That and the broken lava lamp on the nightstand that had one long, snaking purple turd-like lava thing floating in it.

While one could not deny the electricity that was The Luv Room, it seemed more like a destination after proposing than the place to propose. So, we went to dinner.

If you are ever in Effingham, you must go to the Firefly Grill. It is a culinary sanctuary just off a strip choked with chain restaurants and gas stations. The space was warm, open and inviting. The staff friendly. The food excellent. They sat us at an intimate table for two near the bar and a magazine rack. Amanda, our server, had a great smile and demeanor. We felt welcomed and she was honest in her recommendations. She told us to make sure we saved room for the Firefly Grill's special dessert, caramel apple pecan cake! We ordered wine and a few appetizers. The spicy hummus is to die for!

As we took in the atmosphere, I decided that this was the perfect moment. I signaled to Salted, who entered after us and sat at the bar reading Us magazine, that it was "go" time. That was when all hell broke loose. Salted had a weakness for frozen strawberry margaritas and had been throwing them back like a middle-aged divorcee on ladies night. Salted broke out his boom box and, instead of playing "Tea for Two," cranked up the wobbly speakers and filled the room with "Here I Go Again." His dainty pirate tap dance became a cross between the Curly Shuffle and Godzilla stomping on Tokyo. Salted threw his weight around the room, knocking over tables, banging into servers with trays of food, and, most tragically, crushing a busboy. One could forgive the one crunchy accidental step that crushed his chest cavity, but it was when Salted did a breakdance spin on Pedro's limp body that the restaurant filled with a horrified silence.

Fortunately, no one saw me signal to Salted and assumed he was just another drunk pirate elephant on a bender in Effingham. Feigning inconsolability over Pedro's pulpy remains, I threw myself at Salted, who just laid there on his back, lamely trumpeting along to the Whitesnake tune that had already ended. There I palmed the engagement ring from Salted's nose and put it in my pocket. Julie and I grabbed our jackets and rushed towards the door making sure that we also grabbed the amazing caramel apple pecan cake to go.

If there's one thing I have learned in life and love and theater, it's always have a back-up plan. In the parking lot of the restaurant, I shot off the flare gun I keep strapped to my ankle. Within seconds, the U.S. Air Force sent the Thunderbirds air demonstration squadron flying overhead in formation. After a twisting-turning loopdeloo executed with split-second timing, the jets all released incendiary devices that lit up the sky. And when you stood right underneath them and looked up, the falling balls of fire spelled out "Marry Me." And Julie said yes. I slipped the ring on her finger and we held each other and the dessert tight as fire rained down around us.

The "-y Me" part of the proposal landed on the roof of the Firefly Grill and quickly reduced it to a pile of ashes and burnt elephant. They seemed like a pretty together outfit, so I'm sure they are insured and should be rebuilt by the time we're ready to celebrate our first anniversary.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"Disneyland workers recently shut down the 'Pirates of the Caribbean" ride when cameras caught a woman doing what?"

31% said "Flashing Jack Sparrow"
- Nope. She kept her booty to herself.

18% said "Robbing the other people in her boat"
- Nope. Nor did she make anyone walk the plank.

12% said "Drinking rum and screaming "Yo-ho-HO!""
- Hey, now. That's really degrading to women. Even the pirates on the ride have been reprogrammed to say "Yee-hee-hee" and titter like little girls.

39% got it right with "Dumping human remains"

According to Orlando's Local 6 News, Disneyland workers were recently forced to close the "Pirates of the Caribbean" attraction after a ride security camera caught a woman apparently dumping human remains, in what may be a growing trend. Some Disney watchers said park-goers tell them that people smuggling in the cremated remains of their loved ones and then sprinkling ashes on rides has been going on for a while. They said it started at the "Haunted Mansion," but now the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride is growing in popularity. That's awesome! Who wouldn't want to spend eternity at the happiest place on earth? Just don't sprinkle my ashes on the tea cup ride. I don't want to spend the afterlife spinning and hurling ectoplasm.

A Decent Proposal

Julie,

Will you marry me?

(please post your response in the comment section)