Dopes

Just a day after Hillary Clinton's communication director declared that the campaign would not raise the issue of Barack Obama's acknowledged cocaine use, her New Hampshire co-chair, Billy Shaheen, warned that Republicans will capitalize on Obama's drug history if he wins the Democratic nomination.

Read the rest of this story from The Huffington Post HERE.

A few weeks ago, when it came out in the news that Obama admitted to having tried marijuana in college I was happy to hear him speak so frankly about it. Bill Clinton's admission to having tried marijuana without inhaling during his campaign against the first Bush was an embarrassment. Clearly a half-truth designed to soft-peddle the impact of his relationship to weed to the conservatives. Obama, to his credit, is being straight about trying pot and cocaine. Obama is not a drug addict. He tried a few things. He moved on. Most of us have. If you made it through high school and college without being curious about drugs or alcohol, I don't trust you.

I am not saying one needs to toke or snort or swig a few times to be a better person. I'm just saying that someone who made it through high school and college without dabbling in any illegal party favors is either a saint or a liar. And almost certainly the other politicians who are the most up-in-arms over Obama's drug use are the liars. When Clinton was nearly impeached for diddling an intern, his most vocal opponents were republican congressmen with their own Capital Hill booty bags they were poking.

Maybe the lesson has been learned. Maybe. When Obama's drug use first came out, there was barely a protest above a whisper. Perhaps the opposition is hoping to avoid having the same question put to them.

I don't mind if someone has tried drugs and moved on from them. Someone who battled an addiction is a different matter. You never stop being an addict. Bush fesses up to being an alcoholic (sort of, he at least admits it was a problem and that he kicked it). He won't admit or deny he was a cokehead. Unfortunately for us, he handled these habits by substituting them with a new addiction - power. Addicts are never satisfied. Invading Iraq and Afghanistan didn't do the trick. Maybe Iran will. And shredding the constitution into confetti, just in time for 2008, will help him keep his supply line open.



ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT

It is such a lovely thing to look at the calendar and see that the holidays pose no threat to our Robowriters Meetings. Please join us for the good times. Tonight at 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway at Lawrence. Bring something to be read, come to get ideas to write, come hang out and laugh. $5.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year for 2007 is what?"

This might be a first for the quiz.

No one fell for "RB@Ya" - "Right Back At You,"
"P2C2E" - Process Too Complicated To Explain,"
or "OU812" - "I Heart Van Halen"

100% said "w00t"

According to the Associated Press, "W00t," a hybrid of letters and numbers - the "oo" is two zeroes - used by gamers as an exclamation of happiness or triumph, topped all other terms in the Springfield-based dictionary publisher's online poll for the word that best sums up 2007. I find text messaging useful, but I hate how the abbreviations have seeped into the vocabulary. But trying to fight it is a FAQOMFT.

2 Guys, 1 Cup

This week has been quite busy as I wrap up the last week of the semester at Columbia, work on the corporate gig, and prep two shows for Sketchfest.

For some reason, I get real uppity about festivals. I don't fully see the value in them. They smell to me like great money-making opportunities for the organizers and not much else. The people who get the most attention are the ones who already have the most attention coming in to the event. Smaller groups can spend a fortune getting their butts there to participate and leave without gaining anything tangible.

However, I always have a great time, see some shows or groups I've been wanting to see and haven't been able to, see one or two brand new shows or groups that are great, run into old friends and make a few news ones. And for many groups, it's a bonding going-into-battle experience that will test your mettle and create lots of memories, mostly good.

So, I really do like them. they're fun. Especially Sketchfest, where you know the organizers really care about the people who perform at their little soiree. Last year, I performed a remount of a show I did with Don Hall and also used Sketchfest as a springboard for a revue with Teatro Bastardo. This year is similar.



Locked in a Room with Don Hall and Joe Janes: 2 Guys, 1 Cup
written and performed by Don Hall and Joe Janes
directed by Jen Ellison
Thursday, January 3rd at 9:30pm - West Theater
with Premature Infatuation

If you saw our show last year, you laughed, you cried, you were shocked, you were offended, you slipped on blood and tears while scrambling for the exit. This year is no exception. We are assembling all new material. This show has bite. It will bite you and it wants you to bite it in the ass. Look for a return of our Sketchfest Fire Drill where the house managers will surprise us by blowing air horns during the show. At that time, all three acts going on in all the theaters will rotate for a minute or two until we are back on our home stage. Good times. Bring a towel.


The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD!
written by Nat Topping, Greg Wendling, Chris Othic
with Joe Janes, Joe Linstroth, Geoff Crump and Brian Crowley
Directed by Chris Othic and Joe Janes
Performed by Mike Johnson, Neil Arsenty, Kate Lambert, Jill Fenstermaker, Tim Heurlin, Geoff Crump, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling
Thursday, January 10th at 8pm - South Theater
with Johnny's Regret

This is a microcosm of the script we've been working on since May. Robot vs. Dinosaur takes you on a wild, adventure-filled romp throughout time and across the globe, from the top of the world to the bottom of your soul. Experience a journey that goes right down the line between fact and fiction. Climb Mount Everest! Battle Robot Hitler! See Jesus fly on a buffalo! A truly ripping yarn! Good times. Bring a towel.

Mark your calendars and come out and play with us. And please plug your show in the comments section so I know to keep an eye out for you.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A new dating service in Florida claims to be the first one to match people by their what?"

34% said "Perversion"
- Finding potential partners who share your kink has already been going on for years. It's called the Internet.

No one said "Height" or "Political Ideology"
- Guess it's not that big of a concern. Sure explains Dennis Kucinich's marriage.

66% got it right with "DNA"

According to WCVB-TV in Boston, ScientificMatch.com, a Florida company, claims to have the first scientific way of finding true love by using DNA matching. They promise to help you find that "perfect someone" with "a natural odor you'll love, with whom you'd have healthier children and a more satisfying sex life." The company sends sealed cotton swabs and instructs customers to swab the insides of their cheeks. ...Ah, romance. It's in the air. Can you smell it? It smells like my armpit. All those jewellers inundating us with commercials this year will have to change their slogans. "Every kiss begins with a swab"

I Hate To Complain...

Yay!

My Internet service is back up. What was the major issue? I have no idea. I unplugged the modem, plugged it back in, now I have Internet. Doesn't seem like a particularly good solution should this become a recurring problem. Sort of the modern day equivalent of whacking the side of a television set.

Last night, I went to The Second City Holiday party. When I first got hired into the touring company, this was a very exciting thing. I felt like I was part of an exclusive club and felt acknowledged by the comedy mother ship. Ten years later, I approach these parties with a sense of dread. It's cool to see some folks I haven't seen in awhile, but there's a layer of schmoozing and partying and, quite frankly, trying to remember names, that I'm just not that into. Plus, this year, more than any other, I noticed how unrecognized the training center is for being a part of the big machine.

Three standard highlights of the party are the staff show, getting your holiday gift from the company (This used to be accompanied with getting your holiday bonus. They wisely did away with this aspect. Rather awkward to open your envelope next to someone who inexplicably got more or less than you.) and the raffle. The staff show was very funny, especially if you are also on staff or are in one of the resident companies. And, yes, in Second City-sized terms, that's not even half of their holiday party audience. But they did do it well and if you didn't know the people they were referencing, you got an idea of what the joke was. Still, in this little revue they did, the only mention of the training was a reference in one scene that most of them take classes there.

Second City does do the holiday gift well. This year, it's a stainless steel thermos and travel mug. To pick up your gift, the hosts call up people by their division. It starts with the mainstage and trickles down to the training center. We were somewhere after the custodial staff and before the homeless guy who regularly stands out front begging for change.

The raffle was sad. They used to load it up with tons of awesome gifts, like DVD players. Now, it's mostly bottles of booze and underpriced gift certificates (Really? A ten dollar gift certificate to Flat Top Grill? That won't cover one meal there. Any gift certificate that requires you to throw in your own money isn't a gift certificate, it's a coupon.) Whenever someone from the training center had their name pulled, it was usually followed with a "Am I pronouncing that right?" or "I don't know this person."

All this I can take in stride, but here's what really made the evening sour for me. My name wasn't listed in the calendar. Every year, Second City puts together a calendar loaded with photos from the year and with everyone's birthdate in it. EVERYONE's birthdate. If you work at Second City, you're in it. I share a birthday with Jimmy Carrane and Ruby Streak. It was always a thrill to see my name and theirs listed together.

This might seem petty to you, except that my name hasn't been in the calendar for over seven years now. At Second City, I have performed in the touring company, taught classes, produced and directed in Detroit, directed in Las Vegas, directed the national touring company, have done bizco stuff, helped create the writing program, was a core faculty member, have directed a buhjillion Skybox shows, am listed on two alumni lists and I still can't get my fucking name in the company calendar? I must have really done something horrible to whomever it is that actually puts the little names in the little calendar boxes. Over the years, I have periodically tried to go through administrative channels to get this corrected. A few times I have been told it's been taken care of only to get the calendar and find that it has not. I gave up on it. This year, an e-mail went out to all faculty saying they wanted to make sure everyone was included and to please send in your birthdate. I did so immediately upon receiving that e-mail. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football.

It is a small thing, but that's what makes it feel so important. It's a small detail that makes a difference on feeling a part of the company. Now, I'll go sip coffee from my new mug.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Researchers at the University of Illinois have discovered a gene in fruit flies that make them what?"

13% said "Aggressive"
- Don't piss off a fruit fly. You wouldn't like them when they're angry.

12% said "Republican"
- Yep. It makes them conservative and compassionate. In other words, a freak of nature.

No one picked "Scared"

75% got it right with "Homosexual"

According to Science Daily, a team led by University of Illinois at Chicago researcher David Featherstone has discovered that sexual orientation in fruit flies is controlled by a previously unknown regulator of synapse strength. Featherstone and his coworkers discovered a gene in fruit flies they called "genderblind," or GB. A mutation in GB turns flies bisexual. It not only explains why some male fruit flies try to copulate with other male fruit flies, it also explains the origin of their name.

Phillip and Derek make some sweet, sweet fruit fly love (courtesy of the Chicago Sun-Times).

Giuliani? Really?

Note: On top of my heavy writing schedule, my Comcast Internet service went down over the weekend and is still down. So, until the planets realign themselves, postings will be a little unpredictable.

I haven't commented much on the presidential candidates because I felt like the field was too big and they started way too early, worse than Walgreen's dragging out the Christmas merchandise right after Halloween. But now we have the primaries coming up and we're less than a year away from the 2008 presidential election.

One thing that has really bugged me about this crop of candidates is why anyone thinks Giuliani is a viable candidate. One thing I hear constantly is that "Well, we want someone who knows how to handle terrorists."

Let me be very, very clear here.

RUDY GIULIANI DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE TERRORISTS!

He knows how to clean up after them.

Even I found him to be a reassuring presence after 9/11, but 9/11 also happened on his watch. Yes, I do want a president who can keep a clear head in a crisis, but I also want a president who will keep us out of a crisis. His latest ad campaign using Iran as a background is disgusting. He's basically telling us, look, things are going to get worse, here are the bad guys, I'm here to help. If by help you mean clean up after they mess us up good, then, yeah. Stop using fear to sell your goods. I have had enough of that for the past seven years to last me a lifetime (which won't be much longer if another war-monger is elected).

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Friday, I asked...

"A New York gourmet grocery got embarrassed when it was discovered they accidentally put a sign near a ham display that said what?"

11% said "Day Old"
- Ham can survive a nuclear blast. I don't think being a day old is much of a problem. Unless you meant the pig was a day old. Then its a delicacy.

11% said "We Got You, Babe!"
- Kill a talking pig if you have to, but don't go bragging about it.

No one said "Used"
- Yeah. Maybe a little dented or scratched is okay. But not used.

78% got it right with "Delicious for Hannukah"

According to Yahoo News, Balducci's grocery store in Greenwich Village has been forced to take down advertising after a customer noticed they were promoting ham as "Delicious for Hannukah" Jewish dietary laws prohibit the consumption of ham or any other product derived from pigs. The director of marketing, Jennifer Barton, issued an apology for the gaffe via the company website and promised that the company would be making changes to staff training. Changes like,learning to read?

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Speed Racer (1967-???)





Again, I am stretching the boundaries of Saturday Mornings. I recall watching this during the week after school usually on one of the "sometimes you can get it, sometimes you can't" channels, like 43, 50 or 61 out of Cleveland or Detroit. Way before you ever regretted hearing the word Pokemon, Japanese animation was in syndication in the states. While the Japanese animators have been hitting us up with some pretty fantastic characters and stories, the most prominent pre-1980's cartoon has to be "Speed Racer."

Speed Racer first appeared on American television in 1967 and ran throughout the 70's. Apparently, they only produced the original episodes in '67 and '68.

Some interesting trivia. I assumed the "M" on Speed Racer's helmet and car stood for Mach, as in Mach 5, the name of the car. It actually stood for Milfune, Speed Racer's name in the Japanese version.

Here are the original un-remastered opening and closing credits.



And just for fun, here are the original Japanese opening credits with English subtitles. It's very different from the U.S. version and makes Speed Racer look more like Johnny Quest.Not surprising given the origin of the character. According to Wikipedia, Tatsuo Yoshida got his idea for Speed Racer after seeing two films that were very popular in Japan at the time—Viva Las Vegas and Goldfinger. By combining the look of Elvis Presley's race car driving image (complete with neckerchief and black pompadour) and James Bond's gadget-filled Aston Martin, Yoshida had the inspiration for his creation. I'll buy that. It sure fits.







Unlike the recent horrible misfire of the cartoon-to-big-screen adaptation of Under Dog and the likely-to-be-rancid Alvin and the Chipmunks, the upcoming screen version of "Speed Racer" looks promising. You can tell by the trailer that the Wachowski brothers respect and honor the source material.

The World's Greatest...

RoboWriter Assignment

Another simple idea that can be a lot of fun. I am currently working on a scene for a Sketchfest show that features the world's strongest man and the world's richest man together. They are half-brothers meeting on the one-year anniversary of their mother's death. Don Hall will be playing Jackie Ralston, the world's strongest man to my Harve Cheekum, the world's richest man. Jackie is the kind of guy who likes to demonstrate his strength through stunts, like pulling airplanes with his teeth. At their mother's funeral, he was the sole pall bearer carrying his mother's body with his scrotum. Nice image, eh?

To get started on your scene, start with a trusty ol' list of ten. Fill in the blank on The World's Greatest ___________. Let your imagination go from the obvious to the ridiculous.

1) typist
2) fish slapper
3) hand shaker
4) trombone player
5) mountain climber
6) gardener
7) mathematician
8) candle maker
9) horse whisperer
10) shell collector

Build your scene around that character who is the world's greatest fill-in-the-blank. They can be someone who has exploited their gift, such as a typist who works the carnival circuit. They can be someone who has capitalized on their gift, a hand shaker who has become a politician and can get whatever he wants if he can just get you to shake his hand. It can be someone modest about their gift and they have a quiet, ninja-like quality to their trombone playing and handling. Regardless of the approach, have fun with it and play big.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Wednesday, I asked...

"Celine Dion is out. The new theme song of the Clinton campaign is sung by whom?"

50% said "U2"
- Swap the Canadian chick for a bunch of micks? Nope.

30% said "The Dixie Chicks"
- No way. Hillary is a republican in democrat's clothing. If she went country, it would be Tobey Keith all the way.

20% said "Paul Simon"
- Yep. Except it's a recording of Senator Paul Simon playing "You Are My Sunshine" on a wax comb.

Surprisingly, no one picked the right answer "Big Head Todd and the Monsters"

According to ABC News, Celine Dion's "You and I" was unveiled as the people's choice for Clinton's destiny filled run for the White House. The song played on, from Iowa to South Carolina, without missing a beat. But, now, only the sounds of silence can be heard from the Clinton camp's Celine CD. Instead on the trail these days, Big Head Todd and the Monsters are in and their "Blue Sky" is seemingly the campaign's favorite as the New York Senator enters and exits the stage. I think this is good news, but unfortunately, an example of how her presidency would work. She would make a choice and then Bill would change it. Bubba's got taste in music. He must have hated that song like he hates carrot sticks.

Check Back Later

Thanks for stopping by. I have a pretty funkity day schedule-wise. Not sure if or when I will be bale to update the page today. I have signed on for another corporate gig that's already beginning to expand and grow out of control. The beast!

I have a workshop at 826 today, as well, and Robowriters tonight! Check the sidebar for on these two. And check out the Blogspot Blog of Note, A Lucid Spoonful, all about how culture and mythology affect how we eat,

- Joe