The News

Sometimes the news itself is so damn funny, I have nothing to add.

Governor Spitzer of New York aka "The Sheriff of Wall Street," getting busted for being a high-paying john? That's a set-up and punchline right there, my friends. The biggest laugh I've had this week came from Barrack Obama when the Clinton campaign dropped hints they might offer him the vice-president position on a ticket. He said (paraphrased from memory), "Why would I accept being vice-president to the person in second place?"

As far as Spitzer goes, I really have nothing funny to add that The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Countdown with Keith Olbermann haven't already covered and done better than I ever could in my blogosphere bubble. I will say two things, though. Whenever a politician or an evangelist is vocally super critical of something like prostitution, homosexuality or drugs, look out. Secondly, what's up with these wives who stand by their man at a time of ultimate humiliation for themselves and their families? Unless you were in on it and endorsed the behavior, let these jerks stand up there by themselves with their little weenies flapping in the wind.

Okay, one more thing... $5,000 to poke a hooker? Does this include a day at the spa and a gift bag? Does she use some rare kind of special lubrication culled from baby seals? What exactly are you getting in that blowjob that you couldn't get for a couple hundred somewhere else? An extended warranty? For my money, she better be humming the Star Spangled Banner and have a sparkler coming out of her ass. This is the real crime. A politician who doesn't know how to be frugal.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Officials in Jakarta are trying to deter commuters from riding on top of trains by doing what?"

28% said "Yelling shameful things at them"
- "You're disgracing the honor of your family, asshole!"

14% said "Poking them with a stick"
- That's what they do after the commuter falls off the train. To see if they are alive.

No one bought "Electrocuting them"

57% got it right with "Spray painting them"

According to the BBC, rush-hour trains in Jakarta are sometimes so packed that, to be on time for work, people are forced to get up on the roof and crouch below the black electric pylons until they reach their stop. But starting this month, guards are patrolling the stations, armed with canisters of coloured liquid. Their aim is to spray-paint anyone riding on top of the trains, to get some discipline back into the railways.

Here's an idea, Indonesia, just spit-balling here, how about providing MORE TRAINS!

Trippin', in a Good Way

Theatre Review

The Trip to Bountiful
by Horton Foote
Directed by Harris Yulin
Goodman Theatre
through April 6
(312) 443-3800 for ticket info



There are two things I discovered going in to this production...that the The Trip to Bountiful was a play and that Horton Foote is still alive. He's in his early 90's and looks and sounds great. I hope to look that good in my 90's. Hell, I hope to look that good in my 50's.

In 1985, I saw the film version of The Trip to Bountiful starring the magnificent Geraldine Page. While critically praised, even garnering an Oscar and Spirit award for Geraldine, it got lost at the box office, stomped by such films as Back to the Future and The Breakfast Club. I only saw the film once in its theatrical release, but many of its touching moments are etched on my mind. Or, more likely, my heart. I remember going to a grocery store in Cincinnati after seeing it with my girlfriend and actually telling people there to go see the movie. We felt good after seeing it. Not pumped up. Not just put in a good mood. We felt human.

The Trip to Bountiful is the story of Carrie Watts, an elderly woman living with her son, Ludie, and daughter-in-law, Jessie Mae, in a cramped one bedroom apartment in Houston, Texas. The dining room doubles as her bedroom. She is a burden on Jessie Mae who treats her like a child and only seems to value Carrie for her cooking, housekeeping and monthly pension checks. Carrie is, of course, miserable and realizing that she is near the end of her time on this planet, she only has one thing she wants to do, that she must do, and that's to go home, again.

In going to see the play, I was worried about whether or not I'd be able to sit and enjoy it without constantly comparing it to the film. The story telling in this production is so good, that I was quickly caught up in the world the actors and director created. I have only seen a few shows at the Goodman and all have been on the side of spectacle. I didn't think they'd be capable of pulling me into such an intimate story. But they do.

The role of Carrie Watts must be the female equivalent of playing King Lear. The production rests squarely on that actresses ability to take us along with her on her journey home. Lois Smith as Carrie is outstanding. She encompasses the little girl in all aging women with grace and an infectious aliveness. The rest of the cast is superb as well. No one overplays their hand here and it's their light and dry portrayals more than anything that draw us into such a believable rural Texas.

The only thing that did pull me out of the story, albeit briefly and not enough to deter me from recommending the show, were the high-tech transitions. Particularly, the magical tree stump that moves on its own. It reminded me of a Star Trek monster trying to protect its eggs.

This play is a deceptively simple tale beautifully told. Go see it. If you absolutely can't, then rent the movie. And be thankful for such prolific living national treasures as Horton Foote.

I'm always reluctant to give out standing ovations and never stand up just because everyone else is. We were all on our feet at the curtain for this show. Well, almost all of us. Hey, people who leave during the curtain call so you can get to your car a few seconds early, you SUCK!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Firefighter Nathaniel King is suing to get his job back. He was fired because he what?"

50% said "Fears heights"
- He's a firefighter in Saratoga Springs, New York. There are no heights there.

50% said "Hates cats"
- Shameful, but not a fireable offense in this case.

No one went for "Burns easily"

And no one got the right answer, "Faints at the sight of needles"

According to The Daily Gazette, a former Saratoga Springs firefighter dismissed because he fainted constantly when giving injections is suing the city to get his job back. Nathaniel King lost his job after he failed to complete training to qualify as a paramedic. City officials said King doesn’t meet current requirements for being a firefighter, which include being a certified paramedic. Paramedics are required to administer injections and to do intravenous procedures.

I never knew firefighters needed to be skilled with hypodermic needles. There must be a faster way to put out fires.

Found in Translation

ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

Write the first three lines of a very simple scene. Two people. A simple relationship and setting.

For me, it's a teenage boy and his stepmom. He has just walked into the kitchen through the backdoor. She is cutting carrots. He has peeled off his backpack and left it on the floor. he goes over to the refrigerator and opens it up. He takes out a milk carton, looks at her, and drinks from the carton. She looks at him and continues cutting.

STEPMOM: The principal called today.

BOY: He doesn't like me.

STEPMOM: Really? Clearly, he just hasn't taken the time to get to know you like I have.

Now, take the three lines of dialogue and head over to AltaVista's Babel Fish.

Take the dialogue and translate it into French.

STEPMOM: Le directeur a appelé aujourd'hui.

BOY: Il ne m'aime pas.

STEPMOM: Vraiment ? Clairement, il juste n'a pas pris le temps de finir par vous connaître comme j'ai.

Then translate it from French into German.

STEPMOM: Der Direktor hat heute gerufen.

BOY: Er mag mich nicht.

STEPMOM: Wirklich? Deutlich hat er soeben die Zeit nicht in Anspruch genommen, durch Sie zu beenden, zu kennen, wie ich habe.

Then from German back to English.

STEPMOM: The director called today.

BOY: He does not like me.

STEPMOM: Really? It just did not take the time up clearly to terminate by you to know how I have.

So, from here, I forget about what I started with and see what I think about where I ended up. "Principal" became "director." I could keep the relationship and have the scene be about how the boy is screwing up in a play. Or maybe it's his first professional gig. I love the last line, it's a lot of words that create a basket full of nonsense. Not very useful, but I like the word "terminate" which means the boy's future as an actor could be on the line. The stepmom could also be trying too hard to manage the boy's career, either sincerely trying to help or trying to live through her stepson.

Is it better than what I would have come up with on my own? Probably not. But given that I write from my own particular brain, it's a way to consider language or situations that I wouldn't normally be pulled toward.

Speaking of brains...



METALUNA STAGED READING

WNEP Theater Presents an Exhibition reading of

METALUNA AND THE AMAZING SCIENCE OF THE MIND REVUE

by Joe Janes

featuring John Wilson, Don Hall, Dana Black, Sharko Bizarre, Merrie Greenfield, Nancy Friedrich, Rebecca langguth, Kevin Gladish, Micheal Brownlee, Joe Janes and Dave Stinton

Saturday, March 15th (Don't say it!) 7pm at the Uptwon Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, suite 200. Tickets are $5. There will be wine, if you are wondering. SEATING is LIMITED. First come first served...that is the world's way.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Comcast SportsNet was called upon to apologize and discontinue an ad that mocked the name of a which town?"

33% said "Butte Face, Arkansas"
- Hey. Stop calling me Butte Face. Call me by my real name. Cliff.

22% said "Diquewad, Montana"
- The great founder, Jeremiah Diquewad, would be offended by this.

22% said "Titz, Nevada"
- Where all the Vegas showgirls come from.

And another 23% got it right with "Athol, Massachusetts"

According to WWLP Channel 22, Comcast SportsNet is apologizing for making Athol the butt of its jokes (their words, not mine). The cable sports network is also pulling print ads leaders of the small central Massachusetts town called insulting and offensive. The ads read: "We can pronounce Worcester without sounding like an Athol." But leaders of the town point out their community isn't pronounced like the similarly sounding vulgarity -- but "ATH'-ul." Comcast SportsNet spokesman Skip Perham says the ad was intended as a humorous play on words.

Perham said this while dipping into some snuff and daintily dabbing his nostrils with a handkerchief. Well played, Mr. Perham, well played.

A Political Runner

Topical humor in sketch revues can be risky. It relies on the audience being familiar with the subject and, being based on a current event, you run the risk of the heat of the topic being old news quickly. If you are a stand-up or working on a show that burns through a lot of material, topical humor is a great resource. Things never stop happening and, just like life, stupidity persists. There's always something to target. Works well for blogs, too.

Making sure the audience is aware of the subject is tricky. Sometimes you just have to trust that they are as aware as you are. And you'll find out rather quickly if they are not. One way to get around this is to let them know what you are poking a stick at. The Daily Show has a great format for this. Here's the news item and, now that we're all on the same page, we're going to brutally make fun of it.

What really got my goat up - my goat, apparently, has been lazing about for weeks - was Hillary's fear-mongering ad that likely gave her the edge in Texas and, gulp, my home state, Ohio.

If you are not familiar, the ad shows various children asleep while a phone rings in the background. Concerned parents check in on their kids while an ominous narrator talks about the phone ringing at 3am at the White House and who do you want to answer the phone? Someone with experience? Someone who already knows the world leaders? Someone who has been tested? Then it cuts to Hillary picking up a phone. Apparently, she was already up, because at 3am, she's in business attire and wearing her "serious" glasses.

Imagine the same ad, but instead of cutting to Hillary picking up at the end, I offer three different scenarios.

VERSION ONE

Narrator: (sfx: phone ringing) It's 3am at the White House. Who do you want to answer the phone?

(Cut to Hillary in bed picking up phone on the nightstand)

HILLARY: Hello?
BILL: (on phone) Hill, it's me, Bill. I'm at the back door.
HILLARY: What time is it?
BILL: The door's locked. Come let me in.
HILLARY: Where are your keys?
BILL: I lost them.
HILLARY: You lost them?
BILL: Yah. Must have been in my pants.
HILLARY: Your pants?
BILL: Oh, yah, lost them, too.
HILLARY: Be right there.
(Person in bed next to Hillary rolls over. It's Karl Rove.)
KARL: Who is it?
HILLARY: Don't worry about it, Karl. Just go back to bed.

(blackout)

VERSION TWO

Narrator: (sfx: phone ringing) It's 3am at the White House. Who do you want to answer the phone?

(Cut to Obama in bed picking up phone on the nightstand.)

OBAMA: Hello?.. Oh, hi.... No. No problem. I was up...Really...I see..
MICHELLE:(rolls over) Who is it, Baby?
OBAMA: (Covering phone) It's Delaware.
MICHELLE: What do they want?
OBAMA: They're just feeling lonely.
MICHELLE: Do they know what time it is?
OBAMA: (whispers)They're crying...Don't worry, honey, I won't be long. (She rolls back over to go to sleep. He returns to the phone.)...I think you're a very fine state...uh-hunh...Everybody likes you...I like you...uh-hunh...The new highway does not make you look fat...

(fade out)

I tried to think of a third one for John McCain, but all I could think of was him in front of a full length mirror drunk in his underwear practicing tai chi as the phone keeps ringing.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to contract what?"

50% said "bubonic plague"
- Not to be confused with the Ebonic plague, for which I dare not make a joke.

Another 50% said "a variety of STDs"
- A cocktail, if you will. And that's not salt around the rim.

No one thought it was "mono"

The correct answer, left unpicked, was "malaria"

According to the Associated Press, the Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to be bitten by mosquitoes infected with malaria. Scientists say no lives are in danger because the volunteers can be cured. The institute is testing which vaccines work fastest. The head of the program, Dr. Patrick Duffy, says volunteers will spend several nights under medical supervision in a hotel.

Hmmm, four grand, a few nights in a hotel. You only have to endure some nausea and vomiting along with fatigue and sweats. In other words, SPRING BREAK!!!

The BS News Quiz of the Day

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Professor Benny Shanon, when God spoke to Moses on Mt. Sinai, Moses was what?"

33% said "Lonely"
- Isn't that when all of us end up talking to God? Or the cat?

22% said "Tired from all that walking"
- The 11th commandment, Thou Shalt Use Mapquest.

11% said "Very hungry"
-Man cannot live on unleavened bread alone.

34% got it right with "High on drugs"

According to the AFP, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, Benny Shanon, an Israeli researcher, claimed in a study published this week. Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times. Guess that explains why the original tablets had each commandment ending in "..., dude." That shalt not kill, dude. Also explains why the ark of the covenant had such head melting properties in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fear Still Works

Hillary won three out of four states yesterday, albeit by a narrow margin. Many political analyzers attribute her edge to a campaign commercial where we hear a phone ringing at the White House at 3am while we see recession-proof children nestled in their beds. "Who do you want to answer the phone?" the ad asks. The phone keeps ringing, naturally creating an anxious feeling inside the viewer. Hillary's trying to tell us that we want her on that wall. Who is else is going to do it? You, Obama?

Rather than demonstrating a new way to lead in Washington, Hillary is telling us that whether we're Republican or Democrat, we can count on the same old crap from her. Which is good, because like too many an abused housewife, we get out of one bad relationship only to go back into another one. Electing Hillary keeps our abuse cycle going strong.

One state tired of the abuse is Vermont. Not only did they vote for Barack yesterday, two Vermont towns officially declared George W. Bush and Dick Cheney war criminals and have claimed the right to arrest them if either ever come to their towns. How about that? A sitting president and vice-president being told they are not welcome and will be treated like the crooks that they are if the come around. From an MSNBC article...

Voters interviewed after casting ballots said they saw the article as an opportunity to express their frustration over the war in Iraq and Bush's tenure in general.

Which brings me to yesterday.

Thank you everyone who participated in the "Impeach Bush Now!" cyber shout.

A Google search for "Impeach Bush Now" has it up to 51, 200 - up 800 from the last time I checked. Just "Impeach Bush" still gets well over a million hits.

What's interesting, is that most of the hits are from grassroots websites and blogs. When it does show up in a news media source, it's either Keith Olbermann, The Huffington Post or a quote from a celebrity in an interview. What's sadly missing is a strong presence for impeachment in the major news organizations across the country or from any politician other than Dennis Kuccinich.

Yet, there are reports of people taking action at the city and town level, as in Vermont, which is inspiring. The will of the people is being greatly and grievously ignored by Washington and the media conglomerates. But that doesn't mean it has to stop. They're trying to tell us "Hey, it's almost over. Just try to relax and enjoy it." Well, guess what? A bigger crime than anything Bush has done, is to let him ride out his term and then walk off into retirement to write his pop-up memoirs.

While working on the "One Message. Loud and Clear." project, I discovered a multitude of websites devoted to reinstating justice in our country. One of the best is Democrats.com, where you can sign petitions and have your message sent to your own state's representatives. I strongly encourage you to do this. It barely takes a minute. Congressmen and women do track the issues that come in to their office and how people feel about them. One of the best websites for comprehensive and easy-to-digest information on impeachment and related current events is After Downing Street.

Don't give up hope. Unless its 3am and the phone is ringing in the White House and Hillary answers. But then, again, it's probably just Bill saying he needs a ride home from the bar. "Please come get me, darlin'. And bring me some pants. Lost mine."




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An Iranian court has ordered Shahin to give his wife Hengameh the dowry he promised her comprised of what?"

37% said ""Antique" furniture from the '70's"
- That's called Ikea.

25% said "Six dozen goats and one cow"
- Sorry. Too old school.

Another 25% said "A Buick"
- It's been in the family for generations and must be pulled by camel.

12% got it right with "124, 000 roses"

According to the BBC, an Iranian court has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised in her dowry, after she filed a complaint to claim it, reports say. The woman said she was claiming the dowry because her "very stingy husband" would not even pay for a cup of coffee, according to the E'temad newspaper. The court has seized the man's flat until he produces all of the roses. Under Iranian law, a woman can claim her dowry, or mahr, at any time during a marriage or when getting divorced. The cost of a single rose in Iran is $2. So, this is going to cost this chump $248, 000 bucks. Dude, should have bought her that cup of coffee.

One Message. Loud and Clear.

Well said, Mr. Hall. Spread the word.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"11-year-old Sajani Shakya from Nepal is retiring early from her position as what?"

15% said "A Bollywood star"
- She's the Dakota Fanning of India.

10% said "Top Girl Scout Cookie Seller"
- Mmmm, try the samosas. Peas, carrots, potatoes and chocolate mint.

No one went for "A TV spokesperson"

75% got it right with "A living goddess"

According to the BBC, a young girl worshipped in Nepal as a living goddess has retired early from this ritual status. Eleven-year-old Sajani Shakya is one of the three most revered living goddesses or Kumaris. For centuries the three major cities of the Kathmandu valley and a few smaller towns have upheld a unique tradition whereby a girl is chosen in infancy to be a Kumari. To become a living goddess she has to pass ritual tests and have 32 beautiful physical attributes. She will then live in a special house and be worshipped by both Buddhists and Hindus, including the king of Nepal, until the onset of her menstruation. That is deemed to make her human, so she retires.

A lot of people think that last part really messes them up. "You're special til you start bleeding. No more worship for you!" But it's really that goddess competition in infancy that screws with them. The pressure to have 32 beautiful attributes."Sorry, your baby only has 31 beautiful attributes. Her thighs are too pudgy for a goddess." The swimsuit competition is brutal. The baby losers usually go into these horrendous shame spirals - throwing their ba-bas at the TV whenever the winning goddess appears.