Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Trek This Way

I don't consider myself a Trekkie, but I probably know too much about Star Trek to effectively shoot down the accusation. Did you know Mr. Spock's first name is Roger? That Kirk had a lovechild with an alien waitress on Nimbus 3 and that child grew up to be gassy brown cloud that tried to eat the universe? That the voice of the computer on the Enterprise isn't a computer at all, but actually the voice of an actress? Yes. I know these things.

And I got a big kick out of this when I found it on-line. Especially the saxophone player.





I used to have that album. The real deal on vinyl. Great ice-braker at parties. Well, ice-braker at the beginning of the party, great way to clear the place out at the end of the night.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"The Wheeling Island Casino in West Virginia is getting with the times by giving away what?"


50% said "Health insurance"
- Nope. Too rich for their blood!

No one went for "Free mansion" or "Groceries for life"
- People bet against the house AND the groceries.

The other 50% got it right with "Tanker of gas"

According to the Associated Press, the Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is giving away a tanker of fuel. One lucky person will win about 9,000 gallons of gas or $15,000 in cash on April 18. And with the price of gasoline at a record $3.41 a gallon in the Mountain State, the petrol could be worth almost $31,000.

Sadly, you don't actually win a tanker, but gift cards for the 9,000 gallons of gas. I smell lawsuit. I would demand all the gas all at once and keep it in my driveway. Then I would sell gallons for a buck less than the gas station. Of course, I could just re-sell the gift cards, but I love the smell of gasoline and if I get bored, I can set it on fire. I am an American.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The Make-A-Death Wish Foundation


This from the Columbia Chronicle...

"If gun dealer Eric Thompson had his way, college students would carry more than just books.

In his vision, the next college shooter is thwarted by a student armed with one of Thompson’s guns—averting a massacre, saving lives.

Thompson’s Internet-based business, TGSCOM Inc., sold weapons to the shooters at both Northern Illinois and Virginia Tech universities. First, he said, he felt grief for the victims. Then, a sense of resolve. Not to stop selling guns, but to advocate for guns on campus.

“The perfect situation is that nothing ever happens like that again,” Thompson said. “... But in a last-ditch scenario, you are able to protect yourself.”

Now he is partnering with Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, a national group that next month will hold an “empty-holster” protest against university gun-free zones. Thompson will donate holsters to the group, adding a high-profile touch to a small but growing push for guns on campus.

Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, born after Virginia Tech, has grown to 22,000 members. And at least 14 states are considering legislation to allow concealed weapons."

You can read the rest of the article HERE.


This is, of course, a brilliant idea that I wholeheartedly, salivatingly endorse! You fight fire with fire. You stop violence with violence. And as this country has clearly demonstrated, you can only end war with more war. This is America, people! We have the right to bear arms and the right to education. Those are probably the only two left. Guns and ammo should be included with tuition.

And way to go, Mr. Thompson, on taking a bad situation and putting a smile on it. He has taken lemons and made bullets. And those bullets are for sale.

In Thompson and Concealed Carry's ideal state, mentally disturbed shooters would get a taste of their own lead-based medicine from students defending themselves. The only people who will get injured in this scenario are the ones who fail to duck in the crossfire. And, really, if you are not shooting back, you are a part of the problem.

What's even better, we can eliminate the loose canons before they even fire across our educational bow. We know the signs. Loner, video tapes himself a lot, wears black overcoats in the summer. Bad complexion. Never touched a woman's breast. Can be seen taking notes during Quinten Tarantino movies. You see one of them on their way to their "D and D" club, you are well within your right to pre-emptively defend yourself against that hormonal bomb.

I think we would also see a dramatic increase in the grade point average of college students. I know I will probably rate your work higher knowing that at any moment fifteen guns could be trained on my head. Date rapes would also go down in numbers as trips to the emergency room increase for a different kind of "painful discharge."

And thank God these students are organizing and protesting something really important to all of us. No point in protesting an illegal war. Those guys get to carry guns openly. I might join in on this protest, if only to get the free holster. I just don't like how my cellphone makes my front pocket bulge.

Of course, I would be remiss and a disappointment to Don Hall if I didn't tell Eric Thompson and Concealed Carry that they are a bunch of ignorant, volatile douchebags with the foresight and brains of a blind, rabid pit bull. If they have their way, they will cause many more unnecessary violent deaths than they prevent. I would like to shove their guns into their body's own backdoor holster. You may all, indeed, suck my balls.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The United Arab Emirates, as a part of the Mazayin Dhafa festival, will be hosting a beauty contest for what?"


8% said "Buildings"
- "And here we have the Ahmed Savings and Loan in a Giorgio Armani two-piece swimsuit..."

8% said "Automobiles"
- "Keeping the chic in sheik, is this shimmering stretch Hummer..."

8% said "Mansions"
- "Who knew Assam's east wing could play the flute so well?"

75% got it right with "Camels"

According to the BBC, ten thousand camels will be fluttering their long eyelashes in a unique international beauty pageant being held in the United Arab Emirates. The contest in Abu Dhabi is one of the richest and biggest events of its kind, with more than $9m (£4.5m; 5.8m euros) and 100 cars in prizes up for grabs. Organisers hope it will remind Emiratis of traditional desert values.

Traditional values. You know, like making your camel look pretty for money.



Monday, April 7, 2008

Future Schtick




ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

One of my favorite unintentional genres is the future as seen from the eyes of the past, such as old silent films like Metropolis and Trip to the Moon. It's fun to think about the future and fantasize about how things will be different. So, this week's assignment is to write a scene that takes place fifty years in the future.

To help you get started, make a list of ten of things you do every day. Stuff like: brush teeth, feed cats, make dinner, watch TV, ride the bus, etc. Then make a list of ten that supposes what those activities might be like in the year 2058. Stuff like: teeth replaced by small self-cleaning robots, cats are fed steroids and growth hormones in case you have to eat them, dinner (see cats), TV is beamed into my brain, there's no need, or desire, to ever leave my apartment/work cubicle, etc.

Generating these ideas should help lead you to a scene, even if it's a clash of context showing us what every day life will be like in the future.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Friday, I asked...

"Father Francesco Bazzoffi, a senior priest in Florence, Italy, is under investigation for fraud for doing what?"


50% said "lying about his celibacy"
- Safe bet, but not the right answer.

13% said "claiming to be resurrected"
- "I died and I came back. I got to heaven's gate and apparently there's now a toll and they want me to bring more money...so pony up, everybody!"

No one went for "saying God speaks to him"

37% got it right with "staging fake exorcisms"

According to the Catholic News Agency, a priest in Florence is being investigated for fraud after allegedly earning millions by performing fake exorcisms. Prosecutors alleged that Father Francesco Saverio Bazzoffi would “stage shows” before crowds of more than 400 people at the House of the Sainted Archangels, an organization he founded. The priest’s associates would “pretend to be possessed by demons” and Father Bazzoffi would allegedly exorcise them using obscure rites. The priest would then offer to heal members of the audience who were sick and solicit donations to his organization.

They call it fraud. I call it showmanship. People don't just find religion. You've got to sell it! Father Bazzoffi shouldn't be prosecuted for fraud. He should be given a TV show.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Titles

I think titles for sketch comedy reviews are very important. You want something that will catch attention and express a little something about the show, even if it's just an attitude. Typically, they should be brief and easy to remember.

Some of my favorite titles from shows I've been associated with have been...

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth (just as soon as we're done fucking it)
Silence of the Frogs
The Stink of Destiny
The Armageddon Radio Hour
eBay of Pigs
Better Living Through Denial and Regret
Nudity is the Best Medicine
Public Displays of Rejection
Separation of Church and Taste
There's No "I" in Improv
Anton Chekhov's Bastard Child
Conrad Brunst presents...Danse Macabre!
Tork



ROBOWRITERS

Hey - Robowriters is tomorrow! Saturday at 1pm. Gorilla Tango. 1919 North Milwaukee. $5. Come on by. Even if you want to just check it out.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"When a judge in Lima, Ohio ran out of prospective jurors, he found more where?"


40% said "A nursing home"
- I think he might need people who aren't going to sleep, shout or die while on duty.

20% said "A local bar"
- This would work if he offered drink specials and complimentary peanuts.

10% said "The BMV"
- They went there, waited an hour to talk to someone, and then gave up.

30% got it right with "Wal-Mart"

According to The Lima News, Terry W. Hupp, 51, has been on trial this week accused of 13 charges — six counts of gross sexual imposition and seven counts of rape. It took two days just to seat a jury for the case. Twice in that span, Judge Richard Warren had to dispatch sheriff’s deputies to bring potential jurors to court because the court ran out of prospective jurors. Unsuspecting shoppers were served summonses to appear for jury duty while at Wal-Mart. I think the judge should consider being more efficient. Start holding court in sporting goods.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I'd Rather Watch Paint Dry

Yesterday, my Comedy Workshop class did a preview of their show There Might Be Blood to a good-sized audience at Columbia. And in the afternoon, I had my Improv 1 class do a Henry - a stripped down longform that emphasizes scene structure. Both classes did really, really well. Both were filled with nice moments. I'm really proud of them and they are full of very talented people.

However...






I feel like I'm being scanned by a scanner in a David Cronenberg movie when I watch...

- People talking about their emotions instead of feeling them and showing them.
- People talking at length about what they are doing or about what they are going to do.
- People forcing in jokes or plot rather than organically letting such things emerge.
- People on stage having a quiet conversation that I can't hear!
- People stopping the momentum of a scene to yack about minutia like what food they are going to order at the restaurant.

(And this isn't exclusive to people just starting out and discovering sketch comedy and improvisation. I see it at the other skit factories, too.)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Presidential hopeful John McCain's nickname in high school was what?"


28% said "McBrain"
- Only in the context that you might order his noggin from McDonald's. It does seem a little fried.

28% said "McPain"
- That would be his nickname for his arthritis.

14% said "McStain"
- Nope. He never would have made it this far in politics with a nickname like that.

30% got it right with "McNasty"

According to ABC News, John McCain is a punk. At least that's what the editors of his high school yearbook thought. McCain, who in addition to "Punk" was known as "McNasty" during his high school years. In his yearbook, the editors wrote "His magnetic personality has won for him many life-long friends," the yearbook continued, "but, as magnets must also repel, some have found him hard to get along with." Dude - they just called you a dick in your yearbook! It's in print! I love this biography tour! Where will they take him next? Vietnam to see what his captors wrote about him in their yearbook?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Dungarees

Well - still pounding away on a corporate gig - recording voice-overs, doing rewrites, scrapping ideas and pulling new ones out of my butt - all while maintaining my teaching schedule. Makes for very long days. I am also seeing if I can make it through the work week without wearing jeans. I am very jeans dependent. And I only have two pair that I rely on. It's really not fair to the jeans. They deserve the break.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A group of third graders in Waycross, Georgia have been suspended because of their plot to do what?"


66% said "Protest the Iraq war"
- Yah. They are worried it will still be going on when they are senior citizens.

No one went with "Swap downloaded music" or "Start a prostitution ring"

34% got it right with "Kill their teacher"

According to First Coast News, nine third grade students suspended at Center Elementary in Waycross for an alleged plot to attack their teacher. "This plot was uncovered at the point that something dangerous was brought to the school," says Lt. Dwayne Caswell with Waycross Police. Police say the students were hatching a plan to harm their teacher Friday morning. They even brought items from home to carry out the plan.





Okay, it would be real easy to rail on about violence on TV and in video games and how these kids minds are being poisoned and their parents are lousy, etc, etc, etc. But there's one side of the story that's still missing. How much of an asshole does a teacher have to be to piss off a group of third graders?... to the point of premeditating murder?

Who was their teacher? This guy?


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The BS News Quiz of the Day

Yesterday, I asked...

"Johnny Diablo recently opened a strip club in Portland, Oregon that only features strippers who are what?"


27% said "Hefty"
- All the poles are bent from the use. The strippers lose the dollar bills on their own body.

10% said "Unshaven"
- One shouldn't shed during a lap dance.

9% said "Libertarian"
- No tipping. Just a flat tax.

54% got it right with "Vegan"

According to the urban travel guide Gridskipper, what might be the world's only vegan strip club opened last month in Portland. There are no leather or other animal products used in any of the on-stage costumes, and most of the strippers say they're vegan as well. Instead of the usual bar grub, the menu has vegan replicas of chicken nuggets and the like. As the owner, a long-time vegan himself, Johnny Diablo, has charmingly put it in interviews, "the only meat we have is up on stage."



A vegan strip club also attracts unusual heckling from the patrons. "Hey, baby! Do organic fries come with that dairy-free soy shake?"