Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Mono Logs


ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT


Blackouts are often used to pepper a sketch revue and give it some unexpected bursts of energy. Another short form is the comic monologue. It tends to create intimate moments with the audience that help build a special rapport with them. It also gives individual members of an ensemble a moment to shine.

If you don't already have a comic character rolling around in your noggin, it's easy and fun to create one. My favorite method is to just springboard off the suggestion of a word. The word can come from anywhere. At Robowriters, a few of us had "to go" coffee cups from an evil national chain restaurant who doesn't need me to give them a plug. These cups are loaded with pithy slogans as well as the usual "by law" coffee cup messages. The writers were told to look the cup over and pick a word. Simple as that.

Once you have the word, the wheels in your head will start turning. You can use the word literally. If the word is "caution," the character can be a crossing guard. You can also use the word to influence the character, like, they have an extremely cautious outlook on life.

Now that you have the word, write from the character's perspective as if they simply walked out on stage and introduced themselves to the crowd. Explore who they are; what their name is, what they do for a living, who their friends and relatives are, what they love, what they hate, etc. And, yes, pack as much of that as you can into ten minutes. You don't need much more than that.

Once you stop, read it over. Read it out loud, if you can. Listen for what and who is really important to your character. Our cautious crossing guard has an overbearing mother and deeply wants to move to Portland, Oregon to sell art on the sidewalk.

Now, write another monologue, again, only giving yourself about ten minutes, where the character is pouring their heart out to another character that is silent. So, it's as if our crossing guard has sat her mother down and said "I have to tell you something." The person they are talking to should be someone they have an emotional charge with. It'[s not very dramatically interesting for them to talk to their buddy about their boss when the boss is the bigger risk to confront.

Now you have something you can shape and rewrite into a performable piece.

In developing the final version,there are three forms to keep in mind.

The monologue can still be just the character talking to the audience. These can be a bit confessional, but it is like they are taking the audience into their confidence. The character still needs to want something and can use the audience to help them process their thinking or demonstrate the depths of their want. The character should also be engaged in an activity. In this case, our crossing guard could be suiting up and getting ready. Or at work, talking to us as she holds out her stop sign to cars. The activity should give us some insight into their lives.

The character can be speaking to another actor who is silent, but present. One of the Robowriters wrote a scene about a character trying to make a friend on the bus. In that case, I think it's important that we see the intended friend trying to read their paper and squirming a bit as this person drops big hints about stuff they could do together.

The third way is the classic monologue style of the character addressing another character as if they were out floating over the audience. The imagined character is the fourth wall, in this case, and we see the real character in all their vulnerability trying to get what they want that only that person can provide.

It's important to make the wants clear and deeply felt. Get to the basic human wants of to be seen, heard, touched and loved to find out what your character wants from someone else.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Last Friday, I asked...

"The Barclay Prime restaurant in Philadelphia serves a $100 entre made up of what?"

22% said "Mac and Cheese"
- Mac and Cheese for a hundred bucks. It would have to served on Madonna's backside and spoon fed to me by Paris Hilton.

11% said "SpaghettiO's"
- The can costs more than the little O's of goodness.

No one thought it was "Cat Food"

67% got it right with "Cheesesteak"

According to CBS 3 in Philadelphia, Chef James Locascio, of Rittenhouse Square's Barclay Prime, has created Philadelphia's "haute" cheesesteak, an upscale version of the sandwich that includes butter poached lobster and shaved truffles.

To get top of the line ingredients, Locascio says it costs $17 per pound for cheese, $21 per pound for Kobe beef and $900 per pound for summer truffles.

So who buys the costly sandwich?

On average, five or six customers order it per night and many share it as an appetizer.

Locascio says, "It all adds up, a quarter of a million dollars a year in cheesesteaks is pretty good."

Okay, and this is from the vegetarian, if you add lobster and truffles to it, IT AIN'T A CHEESESTEAK!



Monday, May 19, 2008

Come back tomorrow...

Hey, folks,

Sorry, but I have been out in Deerfield, Illinois shooting some corporate videos and that had me up at the crack of dawn. So...no update today. But tomorrow I'll have some goodies, including a new Robowriters assignment.

Peace Out,

Joe

Friday, May 16, 2008

FREEDOM!

Thank God! The City of Chicago has finally repealed its ban on foie gras. For two years, now, according to Mayor Daley, the ban has damaged our city's reputation in international dining circles. That's right. For two years, people have been sitting in circles over in France and snootily deriding the city's ban on what many bleeding hearts consider an exceptionally cruel process. Actually consuming bleeding hearts, perhaps on toast, is what the Illinois Restaurant Association has wanted to do because of the ban.

Foie gras, French for "fatty liver," is produced by force-feeding geese and ducks -- by jamming a steel pipe down a bird’s esophagus three times a day for a month -- to create livers 10 times their normal size. By the time the process is over, the birds can barely walk, let alone breathe. It's believed that the staggering and wheezing are what give foie gras its delightfully savory tinge.

No restaurant has suffered a blow to their income because of the ban. I take that back. One restaurant, T.G.I.Foie Gras's, had to stop selling their signature line of goose liver nuggets. The repeal was forced through the city council without debate. Chicago can now, once again, hold its head high in international circles and belch a fatty, force-fed belch.

Enjoy your foie gras, Mayor Daley.





It goes well with veal.



I AM NOT ASHAMED

My friends Pete and Paul over at The Graffiti Table posted this a few days ago and I have been shouting its praises from the rooftops. A practice which may lead to my eviction from my apartment. But, damn, it's funny.






THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"A 9-year-old girl in Athens, Greece recently discovered her twin where?"


15% said "In a painting"
- No, Rod Serling. It wasn't in a painting. The Night Gallery is closed.

No one said "On a missing poster" or "In school"

85% got it right with "In her stomach"

According to The Associated Press, a 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in central Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin, doctors said Thursday.

The girl has made a full recovery, he said.

Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Regardless, the parents have already bought the twins matching pink jumpers.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Legend of Pecos Bill

Robot vs Dinosaur did a flurry of writing for The Greatest Stories Never Told. I was lucky to get one of my pieces in retelling the tall tale of Pecos Bill. I actually wrote two or three years ago for a Teatro Bastardo project. It's quite an undertaking and not an easy fit for a typical sketch revue. It worked just fine in TGSNT, though. I had fun researching it. I knew the Disney version of Pecos Bill, but didn't know about his tendency towards drinking whiskey and nails or that he shot his gal pal - for her own good, of course. Enjoy.

The Legend of Pecos Bill
Written by Joe Janes
third draft

CAST

Young Whizzle
Dirk /Widowmaker
Jaspar /Catfish
Durango/Moon
Pecos Bill
Slue-foot Sue


(Lights up on cowboys around a campfire. Young Whizzle tools around with a harmonica.)

DIRK
Good riding today, boys. But we’re going to have to get up early if we’re going to get the cattle to Denver on time.

JASPAR
We still have to go through tornado alley, Dirk.

DURANGO
Too bad Pecos Bill ain’t here, Jasper. He’d grab a twister by the tail and whip it over to Tulsa.

JASPAR
Who in tarnation is Pecos Bill, Durango?

YOUNG WHIZZLE
He’s the dirtiest rat ever rode the range. He stole my gal and then he shot her.

DURANGO
Come on, Young Whizzle. Pecos Bill would never do that.

YOUNG WHIZZLE
Be careful of falling in love, boys. Trying to tame a woman’s heart is like trying to break a wild horse.


DIRK
It just ends up breaking another part of your anatomy.


YOUNG WHIZZLE
Have another cup of cowboy juice and let me tell you about it. You all remember about five years back, I was dating a little philly from up north. I was woo-ing her from afar. Her name was Sue. Slue-foot Sue.

DURANGO
Sure. I heard of her. She and Pecos Bill -

JASPAR
Why’d they call her Slue Foot?

DURANGO
Cuz her feet were slue-like. Idiot.

YOUNG WHIZZLE
You girlies want to talk pee-dahl deformities, or hear my story of pain and woe?

DURANGO AND JASPAR
Pain and woe.


YOUNG WHIZZLE
Well, I finally talked Sue into coming to marrying me. Only, she didn’t have no horse, so, she found herself a catfish as big as a whale and rode it down the Mississipp. That’s where those feet of slue come in handy.

JASPAR
That don’t seem very practical. Trains and stagecoaches are fairly reliable.

YOUNG WHIZZLE
She never made it. She stopped to water her catfish, and who do you think she runs into…?

(Lights up on Pecos Bill and his horse, Widowmaker eyeing Slue-foot Sue.)

PECOS
Well, well, well. Lookie here, Widowmaker. We got us a little girlie what likes to ride catfish.

SLUE
Who the hell might you be?

PECOS
Maam, I be Pecos Bill. This here’s my ride, Widowmaker.


SLUE
Why do they call him Widowmaker?

PECOS
Oh, you know, some names just stick. (He and Widowmaker have a good laugh over this.)

SLUE
I bet I could ride him.

PECOS
He’d throw you so high we’d have to scrape that pretty little face of yours off the moon.

SLUE
I’ve been straddling a 300 pound slippery catfish between my legs for three days, I think I can handle your Widowmaker.

PECOS
Your prowess with a bottom feeder is impressive. Would you like to sip from my canteen? (He hands it to her. She sips.)

SLUE
My favorite. (She shakes it – it sounds like there’s pieces of metal inside.)

PECOS AND SLUE
Whiskey and nails.

(They sigh and look at one another.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE
Needless to say, they fell in love. Slue done forgot all about me. The catfish married them in a civil ceremony.

(Lights up on Catfish marrying Slue and Pecos with Widowmaker standing in as the best man.)

CATFISH
I now pronounce you cowboy and cowgirl. You may now commence to whoopin’ it up.

(Slue and Pecos and Widowmaker all start shooting their guns and commence to “whoopping.”)

YOUNG WHIZZLE
They whooped it up for weeks. Then one morning…

(Lights up on Slue, Pecos, Widowmaker and the Catfish all in bed.)

SLUE
Pecos, darlin’, it’s a pretty morning out.

PECOS
Uh-hunh.

SLUE
Nice morning to go for a ride.

PECOS
Uh-hunh.

SLUE
On a horse.

PECOS

I don’t know, Sue…

SLUE
You love that horse more than me.

PECOS
I’ve known him longer, but if it means that much to you…

SLUE
Yeah! Thank you, Bill! C’mon Widowmaker, we’re going for a ride!

(Sue leads Widowmaker behind a "hill" on stage.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE
Needless to say, it wasn’t a very good idear. Widowmaker was named Widowmaker for a reason. If anyone but Bill hopped on his back, he’d clench up. He’d become like a tightly wound spring ready to snap.



PECOS
Be careful up there, Sue. Ride him easy. Don’t use your spurs.


SLUE
Yee-haw!!! (Her elongated “yee-haw” fades off)

PECOS
Oh, no! Sue! Sue!

(Widow-maker runs back on stage and joins Pecos. They watch Slue - a small doll version - pop up behind the mountain and hit the moon and return to earth and bounce.)

PECOS (cont’d)
She’s bouncing too high, she hit her head on the moon.

MOON (whenever hit by Slue)
Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…

SLUE (off)
Help me, Pecos Bill!

PECOS
She’s just going to keep bouncing. If I don’t do something, she’ll be up there forever. She’ll starve to death.

YOUNG WHIZZLE
So, to prevent Sue from starving to death, Pecos Bill thought it best to just shoot her.

JASPAR
That don’t seem very practical.

PECOS (taking aim)
Don’t worry, Slue. I’ll take care of you.

SLUE
Thank, God, Bill. I think there’s some rope- (he shoots) Ow!

YOUNG WHIZZLE
Now, Pecos Bill may be the greatest cowboy ever when it comes to ropin’ and herdin’ and tangling with twisters, but he was a lousy shot.

(Bill takes more shots at Slue and we hear her, and the moon, saying “Ow!” Widowmaker and Catfish join in trying to shoot her.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE (cont’d)
Eventually, one of them got lucky and Sue drew her last breath.

SLUE
…Ow…I love you, Pecos Bill.

JASPAR
The last thing she says is “I love you” to a guy who shot her for bouncing?

DURANGO
Women.

DIRK
Go figure.

YOUNG WHIZZLE
So, that’s why I think Pecos Bill is a lousy rat. He stole my gal from me and then he killed her. If I ever cross paths with him, well, it ain’t gonna end up purty.

(We hear a fierce wind. A twister hits the camp and the cowboys all start spinning around. It suddenly stops.)

DIRK
What in tarnation was that?

JASPAR
We got hit by a twister, but then it just, left.

DURANGO
Pecos Bill! He must have grabbed it by it’s tail and throwed it across the state. He saved our lives.

SLUE (enters)
It weren’t no Pecos Bill.

YOUNG WHIZZLE
Sue! I thought you were dead. I thought Pecos Bill shot you.


SLUE
He did, but he’s a lousy shot. It didn’t kill me. A twister came through a few days later and knocked me back to the ground. Since then, I learnt to tame them.


JASPAR
You saved our lives.

SLUE
I reckon I did.


DURANGO
How can we repay you?


YOUNG WHIZZLE
I sure wouldn’t mind picking up where we left off, Sue.

SLUE
You can repay me by telling me where I can find Pecos Bill.

JASPAR
Ah, revenge!

SLUE
No, I still love him. I miss him horribly. I hope he’ll forgive me for making him shoot me.

(Dirk shoots her.)

DIRK
Women.

Lights out.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Rev. Jose Funes, the Vatican says it's okay to believe in what?"


Nobody went for the answers "The Devil," "Mormans" or "Santa Claus"
100% got it right with "Extra-Terrestials"

According to The Associated Press, the Vatican's chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

Funes says that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures.

And being God's creatures that also means we get to eat them.




(Entitled Salad, this painting by Till Nowak was in the art exhibit side of Emerging Technologies.)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Picked Up

UPDATE ON WTF?

Chicago's city council heard the outcry on the outlandish proposal and have tabled the legislation for review. That doesn't mean it's over, but there's hope.

PICKED UP

The abundantly very talented John Pierson has put together a panel discussion for a show at the Nee-Futurarium about writing for televison. I'm on it. Come see it. Here's the low down from John...

Hey friends. At the neo-futurarium I am helping to sponsor a panel discussion after Picked Up's "The Mime" this Thursday with Schadenfreude, Joe Janes (from WNEP) and Dino Stamatopolous (LA writer of Mr. Show, Conan O'Brien, and Morel Orel.) I think it will be a cool night and it is pay-what-you-can. I think it will be interesting to any writers you know,actors, or improvisers. Please pass on this announcement.

THE NEO-FUTURISTS INVITE AUDIENCES TO WITNESS THE
FRUSTRATIONS AND ELATIONS OF BEING PICKED UP


Picked Up Panel Thursday, May 15, following the 8:00 p.m. performance of Picked Up at The Neo-Futurarium, 5153 N. Ashland. Tickets are pay-what-you-can for the performance and discussion.

For more information, visit <http://www.neofuturists.org/>www.neofuturists.org or call 773-275-5255

The Neo-Futurists announce a special panel discussion with DinoStamatopoulos, Joe Janes and comedy troupe Schadenfreude following the Thursday, May 15 performance of Picked Up. These successful comedy writers share their first-hand experiences with the television sitcom machine and controlled chaos of the writers' room. Hear stories of sitcom babies being killed or burned alive then rising again in the ashes of their very own afterbirth. Bring questions for these hosts and have them properly answered, or at least creatively evaded. After the discussion, Stamatopoulos will show his sitcom pilot, Saturday TV Funhouse, co-createdby Robert Smigel, which was produced but never 'picked up'.

Picked Up The last prime-time show of The Neo-Futurists' 2007/2008 season is a series of six never-before-seen television pilots performed live onstage. Dean Evans, Jay Torrence and Ryan Walters lead a team of skilled comedy writers in a genuine attempt to create the best TV pilot ever. All shows are framed by the perspective of the writer struggling to exist in the television business. The pilot being 'aired' on May 15 is The Mime, in which a reluctant superhero mime artist takes on the mafia by thinking outside of the box. "Don't do the crime if you can't face the mime."

Dino Stamatopoulos is an American television comedy writer, actor and producer who has worked on Mr. Show, The Ben Stiller Show, TV Funhouse, MadTV, The Dana Carvey Show, Late Night with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. He was nominated for an Emmy in 1998 for "Outstanding Writing for a Variety or Music Program" and in 1999 for "Outstanding Music and Lyrics." His current project is Moral Orel on Adult Swim.

Joe Janes is the Improv Program Coordinator and a part-time faculty member of the theater department at Columbia College. He is a founding member of the WNEP Theater Foundation, Teatro Bastardo, and Robot vs Dinosaur -Chicago. For Second City, he has been a member of the national touring company, a director of the national Touring Company, Second City-Detroit and Second City-Las Vegas, and has taught for the training center since 1997. He is a playwright and an Emmy Award-winning writer of a children's show in Cincinnati.

Schadenfreude, formed in 1997, has performed sketch comedy at countless venues around the world including The Goodman Theatre, The Second City,Steppenwolf, Lollapalooza, ImprovOlympic, ComedySportz, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (LA), Area 51 (LA), HERE (NYC), the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and the Chicago Improv Festival, where they were the first group to receive the "Festival Highlight Award." The company's multimedia brand reaches across numerous platforms including a weekly show on Chicago Public Radio (2003-05), film and even cell phone downloads via Sprint PCS. Schadenfreude is currently in the process of selling their screenplay Alderman, which was picked up for representation by Endeavor Talent. They also are in the beginning stages of independently producing their movie Phudie Mart, and they recently finished a TV pilot for WTTW called IL-Informed.

THE NEO-FUTURISTS The Neo-Futurists, performers of Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind and creators of over 60 other original, full-length productions, are a collective of wildly productive writer/director/performers who create immediate, non-illusory, interactive and head-slappingly affordable performances.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The GOP's new slogan - 'Change You Deserve' - is also the slogan of what?"


50% said "Pampers diapers"
- Given the age of their presidential candidate, it should be Depends.

No one went for "The 700 Club" or "Laundromat quarter machines"

50% got it right with "Effexor - an anti-depressant"

According to The Huffington Post, Republicans will counter the Democratic push for change from the years of the Bush administration with their own pledge to deliver, drum roll please, "the change you deserve."

What the GOP doesn't seem to realize, because they are idiots, is that "the change you deserve" is the registered advertising slogan of Effexor XR, a drug that many of you might have started taking as a result of all the...you know -- terrorism.

Actually, I think this is an intentional and calculated move on the part of the GOP. Given how deep they wade in the money from health(s)care companies, they are probably getting a billion dollar kick back. This also means their campaign ads will have to disclose possible side effects.

Voting republican may cause an aversion to science, reason, poor people, universal health care and may cause suicidal thinking (in others). And dry mouth.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Weber, Rooney and York

WTF, DEPT.

I just heard about this a few minutes ago and am still trying to wrap my head around it. Apparently, the Chicago City Council is considering legislation TOMORROW without any public discourse that could severely cripple the ability for small music venues, such as Double Door, to do business.

Find out more about it and what you can do by going to Save Chicago Culture and leaving a comment.



RAW (nothing to do with wrestling or unpasteurized milk)

WNEP presents an evening of short works generated by my friends from Write Club. It starts tonight and only runs three evenings. I can't wait to see it. Tuesdays at 8PM - May 13, 20 and 27, 2008. Tickets are $5.00 at the door. PETER JONES GALLERY, 1806 W. Cuyler, 2nd fl.




WEBER, ROONEY AND YORK

Here it is. The ten-minute play I wrote last week for the Columbia College 24-hour Play Festival (shh- It's actually 26). I did something unusual for me. I specifically call for music from Combustible Edison. Not just specific songs, but even what part of the song to use. I don't recommend writers do this. If someone is considering the piece and they have no idea who the band is or what the songs are like, it's a good enough reason to toss you in the "no" pile. A smarter thing to do - and I am not always inclined to do the smarter thing - is to say "we hear music like Combustible Edison's "Bluebeard," a 1960's-esque bassa nova. It's less alienating to the reader and gives them an idea of what it may sound like.

(Blogger is being temperamentally inconsistent today in its "bold" duties. The fluctuation between bold and unbold in the script is indicative of nothing.)


Weber, Rooney and York
Written by Joe Janes
joejanes1065@comcast.net (773) 531-1792

CAST:
Sheldon – mid-30’s
Mr. Padveen – 40’s – 50’s
Lila – mid-20’s

The play takes place in an office in the late 1950s.

(Lights up as we hear the first thirty seconds of “Lonelyville” by Combustible Edison. It is an office with two desks. Sheldon is sitting at his desk upstage left. The other, downstage right, is empty. He is wearing a dark business suit. He sits with a large open book on his desk but stares out, not looking at it. The book is non-descript; it could be a dictionary or a law book. He looks troubled. The phone rings. He is startled. It rings two more times before he picks it up.)

SHELDON
Weber, Rooney and York. Sheldon speaking. How may I help you?...Oh. Hello, Jasmina…But, but…Well, Tuesday night is puzzle night…Of course…Of course…That seems rather late for a beauty parlor appointment, doesn’t it?…I’m just commenting…You have a good time, then…I will…Don’t be surprised if the lighthouse is finished by the time you get home (forces a laugh)…NO, no. I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t finish it without you, Jasmina… (She hangs up) Okay, then-…Bye-bye.

(Sheldon hangs up the phone. Slowly turns a page of the book and continues to stare off. Mr. Padveen enters with Lila. They are also dressed in business attire.)

MR. PADVEEN
Sheldon…

SHELDON
What!?!

MR. PADVEEN
Easy, Sheldon…Easy…You’ll scare away the new hire…

SHELDON
I’m sorry Mr. Padveen. I was just – Just –

MR. PADVEEN
It’s okay. Maybe I should wear a bell around my neck. Like a cat (He laughs). This is Lila Quigley. Treat her nice, would ya’?

SHELDON
How do you do?

LILA
Hi.

MR. PADVEEN
Get her all set up, Sheldon. I’ll check in on you later, Lila.

(He exits. Sheldon and Lila stand for an awkward moment.)

LILA
This must be my desk.

SHELDON
Yes. It is your desk.

(She sits. She slowly removes her hat and places it carefully on her desk. Sheldon stares at her.)

SHEDLON (barely audible)
You have nice hair.

(She turns and looks at him. Music kicks in. It is “Bluebeard” by Combustible Edison. Mr. Padveen comes back out in a unitard and does an interpretive dance. It finishes as quickly as it started. Sheldon and Lila never see him. Mr. Padveen, caught, exits.)

LILA
Did you say something?

SHELDON (very painfully)
No.

(Lights go to black. They come back up on Sheldon sitting alone at his desk. The book that was on his desk is now gone. He puts his hand on the phone and then withdraws it. He does this a second time. On the third, it rings, and he jumps back from his chair shrieking. He regains his composure and answers the phone.)

SHELDON
Weber, Rooney and York. Sheldon speaking. How may I help you?... Hello, Jasmina…What a lovely surprise…Did I forget something? I’m not sure what you mean?...Oh. Yes. Of course. I forgot to buy your cigarettes. My bad…I feel just awful, Jasmina…I’ll buy you a carton on my way home from work…Well, then, on my lunch break…My thirty minute lunchbreak…I can’t do that, too, Jasmina. Your garden will have to wait. I’ll dig up that row of bushes tonight…Okay, then- (she has hung up)…Bye-bye. (He hangs up as Lila enters.)

LILA
Good morning, Sheldon.

SHELDON (standing)
Good morning, Lila.

LILA
How are you today?

SHELDON
I am fine. Just fine. Thank you.

(After an awkward moment, they both sit.)

SHELDON
(Realizing he didn’t return the conversational volley, he quickly stands back up and yelps) And how are you?!

LILA (turning to look at him)
What?

(The music kicks in. It is “The Checkered Flag” by Combustible Edison starting sixty seconds in. Unitarded Mr. Padveen comes out and dances. This time, he moves Lila and Sheldon around in their wheeled office chairs. They end up at each other’s desk. Music ends and Mr. Padveen, caught again, hurries off.)

LILA
Oh. I’m fine.

(Lights out. Lights come back up on two empty desks. Lila enters and notices Sheldon isn’t there. She sits. Businessman Mr. Padveen enters and goes to Sheldon’s desk. He turns and notices Lila.)

MR. PADVEEN
Good morning, Lila. How’s the world treating you?

LILA
Fine, Mr. Padveen. And you?


MR. PADVEEN
It’s treating me like I’m the guy stuck marching behind the elephants in a parade. That’s how it’s treating me. Have you seen Sheldon?

LILA
No. I haven’t.

MR. PADVEEN
Strange. He’s usually the first one here. I used to accuse him of not going home at night. I was joking, of course. (He laughs. Not exactly sure at what.) When he gets in, tell him-
(Sheldon enters. His suit is disheveled and carries a shovel. The end has blood and a patch of hair on it. Sheldon has some blood on his hands and face.)

MR. PADVEEN
Oh, there you are!

SHELDON
Good morning, Mr. Padveen! Lila!

(Sheldon throws the shovel onto the floor near his desk and takes his seat.)

LILA
Are you feeling all right, Sheldon?

SHELDON
I feel great. Just great.

MR. PADVEEN
Sheldon, would you-?

SHEDLON
Absolutely, I would. And I will. Whatever your heart desires, Mr. Padveen. I like you.

MR. PADVEEN
Very good, then. See that it gets done.

SHELDON
Right away.

(Mr. Padveen starts to exit.)

MR. PADVEEN
Don’t you need to know what it is?

SHELDON
Nope. Not at all. Because I am going to do everything today. Everything. And in the course of doing everything I will inevitably do whatever it is you need me to do. I am on top of it.

LILA
You seem different, Sheldon.

SHELDON
I am different, Lila. I’m a new man. One who controls his own life and his own destiny. A man who answers to no one. Except Mr. Padveen. But before I get to work, let me first tell you, loudly and clearly, that you have the most terrific hair in the world. (He walks over to her) And the prettiest eyes.

LILA
Me?

SHELDON(taking her hands.)
Yes, you.

(The music kicks in. “Morticia” by Combustible Edison. Businessman Mr. Padveen quickly strips down to Unitard Mr. Padveen while trying to dance. He ends up on Sheldon’s desk as Sheldon and Lila dance closely without touching. The music ends abruptly interrupted by a phone ringing. Mr. Padveen picks up Sheldon’s phone. We still hear ringing. Lila composes herself and picks up her phone.)

LILA (flustered)
That company I work for. Lila speaking. How may I help you?... Oh. Hi, Jordan… I did what?...I did too pack your PB & J…We were out of grape jelly, I had to use the strawberry…It’s just for today…I’ll get a jar of grape on my walk home…Okay. I’ll do it on my lunch break. My thirty-minute lunch break…There’s no reason to- (he has hung up)…Bye-bye. (Lila hangs up. Awkward moment. She turns and faces Sheldon and business/uni Padveen.)

LILA
That was my husband. He can be a little…demanding.

(Sheldon picks up the shovel and places it on Lila’s desk. She looks at the shovel and she looks at him. We hear the last thirty seconds of “Bluebeard” by Combustible Edison. Lila and Sheldon dance a quick tango. Lila picks up the shovel as they dance off. Mr. Padveen continues dancing, trying to end the song with the splits. Lights fade.)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"As a part of a Victory Day celebration, Russian and US sailors competed in doing what?"


28% said "swabbing decks"
- Oh, is that what sailors are calling it these days?

15% said "drinking vodka"
- Don't be so stereotypical. That came after the competition.

15% said "circumnavigating the north pole"
- Oh, is that what sailors are calling it these days?

42% got it right with "making sandwiches"

According to BBC News, from Cold War to cold meats... sailors from the US and Russian navies have tested their culinary skills in a sandwich-making competition.

The contest was held during a visit by the US destroyer Stethem to the eastern Russian port of Vladivostok to mark Victory Day. Officers also joined in.

A Russian cook took the prize for best-tasting sandwich while an American came top for most original presentation.

The US winner in the individual contest got a bottle of vodka, and presented his Russian rivals with USS Stethem caps and sweatshirts in return, the BBC's Dmitry Klimov reports.

The US winner gets vodka from Russia and the Russian winner gets a t-shirt from America (probably made in China). Nice cultural exchange, fellas. Was the Russian sandwich a potato on pumpernickel and the US sandwich a slider?



Monday, May 12, 2008

Ruling Three

THE GREATEST STORIES HAVE NOW BEEN TOLD

Thanks to everyone who came to see our show. We weren't sure how doing a 4pm Saturday-Sunday show was going to work for us. It worked out fine. I'm not sure our numbers would have been much different if they were Friday-Saturday at 8pm. We had a great turnout this past weekend and actually made some money. Much better to get a check at the end of a run than have to write a check.

Thing I done learnt:

- Taking your time pays off. Our pieces were more detailed and our show felt more complete than many others we have done.

- Even if you're just one of the writers, it's an ensemble and all collaborative. Incorporating and owning feedback will strengthen your scene. And if you absolutely think it won't, you might be in the with the wrong group of people.

- No matter how much attention you pay to the script, you still have to pay attention to the production details - marketing materials, tech, props and costumes, performance.

- It's fun to work with great people who make you laugh. It's not fun to work with assholes and not worth the time.

- When you are in a shared space, be considerate of others. Stick to your scheduled time, don't rush others off the stage by setting up your show as they are trying to break down a show (unless they ran over their time), don't mess with the lights, leave things as good or better than you found it.

Next Saturday, we'll close the books on this show and start planning for our fall production.



24 HOUR PLAY FESTIVAL

Last Friday's Columbia College show went well. I'll post the script to the play this week as well as my piece from Greatest Stories. The 10-Minute play I wrote last semester for the festival has been accepted by Chicago Dramatists for their 10-Minute Play Workshop. This is turning out to be a good resource for generating short works. I have already submitted Friday's piece to another local short works festival.



ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Greg Wendling reminded me of an old writing assignment I used to do that based on an improv exercise. Basically, you start with two people on stage in a set relationship and a third person enters, turning that relationship on its ear. The 24-Hour Play Festival reminded me of this assignment. In any three-person scene, it's likely that the story will always shift between two people being against one and the scene ending either in victory for the protagonist(s) or all three joining together. In my scene, I made all three characters like each other. It took place in an office and it would have been easy to make the boss the oppressive bad guy against the co-workers fighting to keep their spirits. The set relationship is the boss and a steady employee. The sweet and lovely new hire is the catalyst to a shift in the dynamics. I still felt I needed a bad guy or two and they exist offstage and appear through one-side telephone conversations. I guess you could argue I wrote a five person scene and just shifted the dynamics to three against two. Maybe I did. Get off my back. Go write a sketch or something.

A good way to approach this is to brainstorm a list of ten two-person relationships. Be specific. Instead of just "co-workers" make it "co-workers at a KFC." Then do a second list of ten of who the third person coming in to the scene could be. Consider the likely possibilities - boss, third co-worker - and consider the not so obvious - health inspector, mysterious customer, somebody's mother, the ghost of Colonel Sanders, an angry chicken. I'm not saying to go with the not-so-obvious, just saying consider it as a possibility. You'll either strike gold or affirm your first choice.

The important thing to consider is the quality of the initial two-person relationship and how does the introduction of the third character change everything.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Three teenagers in Houston, Texas have been charged with abusing a corpse because they did what?"


40% said "Used someone's ashes for kitty litter"
- If it's pine-scented and clumps well, I'd try it.

20% said "Took turns, you know, doin' it"
- "Your peeling back lips say no, but your dried snapping bones say yes!"

No one said "Ate someone's liver"
- They were too young to purchase the required Chianti at the liquor store.

40% got it right with "Made a bong out of a head"

According to The Houston Chronicle, Kevin Wade Jones Jr., 17, appeared almost indifferent as he relayed the bizarre description of his and two friends' activities at an Humble area graveyard, plice said.

Now, Jones, Gonzalez and a juvenile whose name has not been released are each charged with abuse of a corpse, a misdemeanor. All three were arrested last week.

Houston police believe the teens disturbed the grave of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.

Jones claimed he and his friends used shovels to dig up the body and removed the corpse's head with a garden tool, Adkins said. Jones also revealed he and the other two boys took the severed head to the juvenile's home, where they used the skull as a "bong" to smoke marijuana, the officer said.

And yet no one is affirming the ingenuity of the boys. They are finally applying all they have learned in shop class. Well done, lads!