Robots and Dinosaurs

Folks looking for the weekly Robowriters sketch writing assignment can look for it HERE.

Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago is in the early stages of developing a web page to keep you up to date on all things RvD. You can also vote in the weekly Robot vs Dinosaur battle. This week, The Terminator (model T=101) goes a cyborg a mutant lizard with Godzilla.

The place is a work in progress that we'll tinker with and update every week until we get it looking all sweet.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"John McCain is proposing a $300 million prize to anyone who can do what?"

25% said "create an energy source out of excrement"
- I think his speech writers are already working on that.

No one said "put a man on Mars in a year" or "drink a beer on their head, naked"
- Both scientific feats requiring breaking the law of gravity.

75% got it right with "develop a better automobile battery"

According to The Associated Press, the presumed Republican nominee is proposing a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology. "a small price to pay for helping to break the back of our oil dependency," McCain said.

This from the man calling for more offshore drilling for oil. What kind of intervention program does he want us to enter? "We're going to kick booze by robbing a liquor store while increasing our number of AA meetings!"

John McCain's energy adviser...

Occupation: Foole

Sadly, George Carlin has passed away. At 71 years old, he is a successful comedian who did NOT mellow with age. I was fortunate - or perhaps not fortunate - to have parents who didn't care that I listened to his albums. I could name the seven words you can't say of television (at the time) long before I could name the first seven presidents. In fact, don't quiz me on that. I still know one much better than the other.

A very important comedian. He took what Lenny Bruce started and made it, well, funny. He laid a foundation for Jerry Seinfeld and David Brenner by talking about the things we all think about, but don't even realize we think about it. He opened the door for Sam Kinison by not backing off from issues that pissed him off.

I saw George Carlin in person when I was a senior in high school at the Toledo Masonic Auditorium. It was the end of the seventies and, although thrilled to death to see him, you could see him beginning to tire of his "chestnuts" and the 80's would see him starting to reinvent himself through books and HBO specials. He never tried to be someone he was not. Even in his 70's, he was comfortable being an "old fucker" and had a very pragmatic view of the world.



Here's hoping he's looking up yelling at us.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Sega has created a new robot that they are marketing specifically to whom?"

No one said "Mining Companies" or "Hospitals"
- That's way to sensible!

10% said "Marketing Firms" - They already use robots. Who do you think writes their copy? Humans?

90% got it right with "Lonely adult men"

According to The New Zealand Herald, a Japanese firm has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around US$175, with a target market of lonely adult men.

"Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive," said Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for the maker, Sega Toys.

"She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend."

Well, at 15 inches tall, she's not going to be able to do everything a girlfriend can do. Like laundry!

Ahem. Mine's on order.

IT'S A BABY! RUN!

Read this over at The Huffington Post...

WASHINGTON — The world's population will reach 7 billion in 2012, even as the global community struggles to satisfy its appetite for natural resources, according to a new government projection.

There are 6.7 billion people in the world today. The United States ranks third, with 304 million, behind China and India, according to projections released Thursday by the Census Bureau.

The world's population surpassed 6 billion in 1999, meaning it will take only 13 years to add a billion people.

By comparison, the number of people didn't reach 1 billion until 1800, said Carl Haub, a demographer at the Population Reference Bureau. It didn't reach 2 billion until 130 years later.

You can read the rest of this article HERE.

So, why the big leaps and bounds in population?

Here's one factor...

BOSTON (Reuters) - A Massachusetts city is investigating an apparent teenage "pregnancy pact" that has at least 17 high-school girls expecting babies, four times more than last year, including many aged 16 or younger.

"Some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," Gloucester High School principal Joseph Sullivan told Time magazine, which broke news of the pact on its Web site.

Local officials said at least some of the men involved in the pregnancies were in their mid-20s, including one man who appeared to be homeless. Others were boys in the school.

Read the rest of this article HERE.

Clearly, what's going on is that we have more people than we can sustain on this planet. Our world is unable to keep its south pole in its pants. Our purple mountain majesties are nothing but whores. Sleeping with homeless people to get pregnant? Keep that up, and they'll start asking me for more than spare change. "Dollar? How about a nooner in the alley? Bless you."

Our system for population control is broke and, like Obama, I have a plan for change.

More than one. Take your pick. Or do all four to be the most effective.

- Hunting babies. When a deer population gets out of control, state and local officials open up the deer season parameters. If you think you might be to squeamish to shoot a cute baby foraging for food in the woods, set traps. But check them regularly. Nothing worse than finding a baby has gummed off his arm to escape.

- Enslave babies. Train them to be indentured servants. Every new baby has to be able to pull his or her own weight. This will also deplete the demand for illegal immigrants.

- Birth control by age five. Girls are getting pregnant earlier and earlier. They should get their tubes tied along with learning how to tie their shoes. And boys should get their first vasectomy with their first haircut.

- More celebrities need to adopt third world babies. The threat of a baby being adopted by a Madonna or Angelina should be enough to deter future pregnancies all over the world, but it's not. Come on Bono, Sting and Oprah, time to step up to the baby plate. And if the threat of them as parents isn't enough to shrivel ovaries and testicles all over the world - let's get some really scary celebs dealing in - Come on Ann Heche, Paris Hilton and Larry the Cable Guy - the planet needs you!

ROBOWRITERS ON SATURDAY

BRING OUT YOUR SKETCHES! 1pm. Gorilla Tango. 1919 North Milwaukee, near Western. $5.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A gang of female bandits in Central Florida have distinguished themselves by dressing as what?"

20% said "Strippers"
- Strippers already steal your money. It's ridiculous. It's like dumping a load of money to just look at a dessert tray. So I've heard.

20% said "Cheerleaders"
- Too threatening. Potential victims tend to be elderly people with brittle bones who would avoid perky bouncing women with flailing arms.

20% said "Men"
- The victims just thought they were being attacked by aging lesbians.

40% got it right with "Nurses"

According to Local 6 News, a gang of female bandits dressed in nursing costumes is stalking and targeting women and elderly shoppers at Central Florida businesses.

I don't really understand how being dressed as a nurse makes anyone comfortable enough to be robbed. They're vampires in white polyester. They are either going to stick me with a needle or make me pee or poop in something. Although, I can see why this helps in robbing elderly people."Take my money, just leave me what blood I have left!"

Gnus Whiz

WEIRD THINGS MY CAT LIKES TO EAT

Peas, corn, black beans, and now... sea weed. He goes nuts for it. My other cat saw him chowing down on some and went to check it out. She gave it a sniff and just looked at him sideways.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Vancouver, Canada on Monday saw the fifth incident of what washing up onshore?"

No one thought it was "Giant Squid," "Medical Waste," or "Disgruntled Americans" even though I thought each answer was quite plausible

100% got it right with "Human Feet"

According to The Times Online, a sixth human foot, wearing an Adidas training shoe, bobbed ashore near Vancouver Tuesday in a grisly mystery that has gripped Canada. The discovery of five right feet and one left foot has spawned wildly contrasting theories about their origin, ranging from murders by biker gangs to the floating remains of Asian tsunami victims. My guess, somewhere out there is a very unlucky giant rabbit who keeps losing the charms off his key chain.

Kiss It

Today's post goes beyond the usual snarky commentary and addresses something very important to all of us - kissing.

In a relationship, it's a make or break deal. You can be a match all across the board, but if the parts don't fit right in a lip-lock, forget it. For me, the deal-breaker is kisses that are too sloppy and wet. I don't want to continuously pause the romance to put on a lobster bib or grab at paper towels.

Fortunately, Ronnie Koenig has compiled a list of tips on how to be a better kisser over at the website Tango. Generally, all pretty good tips with some being a matter of personal taste. For example, tip number one is Let Him Initiate. Aside from being sexist, confusing to homosexuals and not including lesbians, I don't agree with it. I think it depends on the situation.

Here are the only absolute times when a man should initiate a kiss...

- When the woman is bound and gagged. A woman, particularly a gagged woman, might not think you are interested in a kiss and will likely shy away from offering one. Here, it makes for an important romantic gesture that tells your partner you're interested in more than just degrading her. I find an open mouth kiss helpful in negotiating around a ball gag. (side note: If you are a man and you are the one bound and gagged - do not initiate a kiss. Good rule of thumb: The person with the riding crop and nipple clamps decides what gets kissed and when.)

- At the end of a job interview. If the person interviewing me for a position is a woman, I will always end with a big smooch. I think this shows confidence and a definite interest in working for the company.

- At a funeral. A widow has just lost her husband and needs reassurance that she's still attractive and that life will go on. Nothing says this better than a lively tongue down a grieving throat.

Other than these situations, ladies, if you want a kiss, go for it. Guys are dumb. We don't always read the signs. We still may not get it after you grab us and plant one on us.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Victor Rodriguez of Bridgeport, Connecticut is under arrest after doing what?"

40% said "Scaring drive-thru workers with his pet python"
- These people have seen everything. I doubt they'd give it a second glance, unless he tried to pay for his meal with it.

40% said "Wearing only his pet python outdoors"
- Hmm, a py-thong?

No one said "Selling his pet python in an alley"

20% got it right with "Ordering his pet python to attack the police"

According to The Connecticut Post, officers dispatched to investigate a domestic complaint in Bridgeport were confronted by a man and his huge pet reptile, "and he was saying, 'Get them!' " according to Lt. James Viadero, the police spokesman.

Victor Rodriguez, 21, was allegedly threatening his girlfriend with the reptile and refused to open the door for the officers.

Not known for their attacking - or listening - skills, no one was attacked by the snake. Rodriguez was taken away in handcuffs. The snake managed to slip out of his shackles and is now considered to be on the slither.

McCain and O'Bama

Two Irish guys duking it out to become the next President of the United States. With the exception of their Éire roots, no two candidates could be more different from one another - unless one of them had a vagina. Which, to be honest, has yet to be determined. O'Bama did have a suspicious camel toe in that infamous picture of him coming out of the water at the beach.

Here's one thing they do have in common - a blog! Both candidates have blogs linked to their official websites. Just like me, they write about the big whatever and hope their family and friends read what's on their mind.

I took the opportunity to meme them and have posted their responses.

BARRACK OBAMA

1) Why do you blog?
a) Scarlett Johannsen thinks it's cool.

2) What are you listening to on your iPod?
a) "Mista Mista" by The Fugees. Mista mista/Can I get five dollars/So I can get something to eat/Hell no motherfucka/You can’t get no money from me. I have it as my ringtone.

3) What's your favorite TV show?
a) "24" - before they shot the black president.

4) If you were a gay man, what famous man would you like to marry?
a) Martin Luther King. As long as he promised not to fool around on me.

5) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
a) My ears. They're too big. It makes it difficult to wear hats. I never know whether to tuck them in or not.

JOHN McCAIN

1) Why do you blog?
a) To keep you safe.

2) What are you listening to on your iPod?
a) That's not an iPod. It helps me hear better. However, when I get the opportunity, I like to crank up the portable record player and get pumped up to Abba's "Take A Chance On Me." If you change your mind, I’m the first in line/Honey I’m still free/Take a chance on me. Errr, I feel like I can take on the world! Or, at least Iran.

3) What's your favorite TV show?
a) "24" - Good tips.

4) If you were a gay man, what famous man would you like to marry?
a) I'm already married, so it would have to be an affair. George W. Bush. Hell, I'm already in bed with him. May as well seal the deal. Joe Lieberman would be up there, but I don't want to have to explain to mom why a j-e-w is sneaking out of the house.

5) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
a) I would like to have not had cancer. Or be old. But you said just one thing.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Judge Pete Zahra in Australia halted a drugs trial because several jurors admitted to doing what during proceedings?"

33% said "Texting"
- GLTY!

No one said "Sleeping" or "Drugs"

67% got it right with "Sudoku"

According to BBC News, Judge Peter Zahra aborted proceedings after the jury forewoman admitted she and four others had been playing the popular puzzles to fight off boredom. The problem was discovered when some of the jurors were observed writing notes vertically rather than horizontally. The three-month trial had cost taxpayers more than A$1m (US$945,000) and the two accused men faced possible life sentences.

Nothing like being judged by a jury of your peers.

See, this is the problem with courtroom dramas. Shows like Law and Order make it look too exciting. What a let down to finally be on a jury and discover how inane and tedious the whole thing is. These jurors should not be thrown off the jury. The defender, the prosecutor, and, yes, even the witnesses should be told to spice it up a bit. The accused should be encouraged to have emotional and physical outbursts. Friends and relatives should be openly wailing and gnashing their teeth. Clearly, these folks don't need justice. They need a drama coach.

Tim Russert and the 27 Virgins

As I am sure you know by now, Tim Russert, host of Meet the Press, passed away suddenly last Friday afternoon. He was one of my favorite television journalists. A big guy with a down-to-earth approach and an easy-going sense of humor. He had a very grounded presence and just had a great way of making sense of things. He will be sorely missed as we go into this very important presidential election.

THE CIRCUS HAS LEFT TOWN

Good friend and founding member of Soiree Dada, Circus-Szalewski has officially and finally(!) moved to Los Angeles. I was fortunate enough to catch up with him at the Green Mill last night. The Dada boys have haunted that place and it was a fitting venue for his departure. It was also an opportunity for Circus and Julie to meet. As Julie put it, "For a guy named Circus, he's pretty normal. He might just be the most normal friend you have."


ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

The assignment this week is to write about heaven. Your concept of heaven, a well accepted concept of heaven, or even just a situation where someone's dreams come true. It's a good opportunity for some social satire by taking a closer look at "wouldn't it be great dreams" and seeing that, on closer inspection, they may not be so great.

I'll give you an example by sharing an idea I am working on. I am fascinated by suicide bombers and that what seems to be one of their primary motivations - that they will be greeted in heaven by 27 virgins. For heaven, that sounds like a pretty naughty proposition. There must be a catch.

Let's explore a closer look with a list of ten...

1) They're all babies.
2) They're all virgins for a reason - all very grotesque.
3) Nope. It's 100% true and they are all on the same cycle.
4) It's true and they all really act like virgins. They want the time to be right. They want to make sure you really love them, etc.
5) It's true and shortly they are all pregnant and you have to raise 27 kids.
6) They are all exceptionally inexperienced and just not getting the hang of this sex thing.
7) They're all guys.
8) It's a mixed bag of all these because they had a tough time finding 27 virgins.
9) They are all in competition with the others and don't get along. They act like it's The Bachelor.
10) They don't like him. They all act like entitled sorority girls and make the suicide bomber feel belittled and out of place.

Lots of possibilities. I like the last one a lot. I also like the one where they really are virgins and act like it. There are others I like, but they are more like short one-joke blackouts, like "babies" or "all guys." If I want to write a full scene, I need something that will demand more character development.

So, pick your heaven. And then start poking holes in it. Have fun.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Barack Obama has a new website addressing rumors about him called what?"

25% said "IAmNotATerrorist.com"
- That's fine, but he'll also need a .com for IAmNotAMarxist, IAmNotAnElitist, IAmNotRacist, IAmNotUnpatriotic and IAmNotTheAntichrist.

9% said "SmearTheFears.com"
- I liked this one because it reminded me of the offensively titled childhood game of Smear the Queer. It was the only game where I was labeled a queer for catching a ball.

8% said "DontBeAnIdiot.com"
- If urls had subtext, this would be it.

58% got it right with "FightTheSmears.com"

According to the International Herald Tribune, after trying for months to bat down a swirl of wild rumors in more conventional ways, the presidential campaign of Barack Obama started a Web site last Thursday intended to quash such reports. The site, FightTheSmears.com, lists - and seeks to explode - these rumors.

This is probably a good idea. Most candidates will ignore the rumors and try not to dignify them with comments. That doesn't make them go away. The only thing it ignores is that people anxiously willing to buy into rumors are probably not likely to check their validity.

But all the rumor refuting in the world isn't going to make me vote for a guy the right wing tells me doesn't wear a flag pin, has Hussein for a middle name and flashes terrorist signs to his wife at rallies. McCain has shrewdly changed his campaign slogan to "I'm white."