Meta Giddy

I spent fourteen hours at the theater yesterday in rehearsal and then detailing our oddly
elaborate set. This morning, I have to build a big, rubber cartoon mallet, cut
out a bounty of rubber meat, and find "the right" lamp shade and a string of
white Christmas lights all before 1pm for our first preview tonight.

Our set is incredible. It's a work of art in the truest sense of the word. If WNEP were
smart, they'd scrap the play and just charge people to come in and look at the set.

Tonight is our first time doing the show in front of an audience. Always an exciting time
for a show, but especially so given that Metaluna is a comedy and chock full of dada. I honestly
don't know what to expect, even though the show has been produced twice before to critical
acclaim. It could be a train wreck. If it is, it will be the most beautiful train wreck you
ever saw.

Previews - Tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday at A Red Orchid Theater, 1531 North Wells Street
in Chicago. Half a block down from North Avenue. $5 at the door.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Dallas County commissioner Kenneth Mayfield has been accused of being racially insensitive for publicly using which term?"

50% said "Gypped"
- Come on, now. Not all gypsies are gypsies.

30% said "Indian Giver"
- This never made sense as a derogatory term against "Indians." It makes more sense if you are leveling it at someone, who like the government, gave land to the native Americans, broke treaties and took it away. I hear by propose we all start using "Treaty Breaker" when dealing with someone who gives something and then takes it back. Or just use "asshole."

10% said "Brown Out"
- Obvious mistake. Someone mistook his comments about energy to be a plea for genocide.

10% got it right with "Black Hole"

According to The Dallas Morning News, county commissioners were discussing problems with the central collections office that is used to process traffic ticket payments.

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole." That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

All right, folks. Have we learned the lesson of fellow Texan George W. Bush, yet? "Someone you'd have a beer with" is not a criteria for leadership and governing. Stop electing idiots to government. I want to start seeing report cards and grade point averages on elected officials.

For the record, Commissioner John Wiley Price is also offended by the movie title The Dark Knight, director David Lynch, and prefers bartenders not measure his drinks with a jigger.

Spear My Life, Please

Found this in my e-mail this morning. I new tactic for the 419 scammers. The color you see is the color in which it was written.

SOMEONE YOU CALLED YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

Attention and listen carefully.

I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days.

Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.

For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact: lifeanddeadmission@gmail.com or deadandlifegroup@gmail.com
Bye.

William yahman.

Hmm... Paying $8,000 so he'll "spear my life" sounds counterproductive. He knows my name and address, which is very hard to get, unless you look it up, so it must be legit. I'm a little insulted by the asking price. If he's asking only $8k, then the person who put the hit on me only paid that much or less. I'd like to think I'm in the 20 grand and above category. Still, it's tempting. I'd just love to have a tape of the person who "want" me dead. Of course, I would have nothing to play it on. It doesn't say the person would be explaining why they want me dead, just that it's a tape of that person. I could end up with Men At Work's Greatest Hits. Colin Hayes could be my secret nemesis! But wait... He said it would be someone I called friend. Damn! It's Kenny Loggins! That would give me something worth living for, or dying for. Thanks William yahman! The check's in the snail mail. Can't wait to get my cassette tape.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Moscow-based 'Business Analytica,' Russians will drink more than three liters of what this year?"

42% said "Red Bolshevik"
- It gives you wings so you can reach for the Tsars.

28% said "Koke"
- Have a Koke and a sickle.

No one said "Comrade Pibb"
- Which is just a knock off of Dr. Zchivepper.

28% got it right with "Kvas"

According to The Associated Press, poet Alexander Pushkin wrote that Russians need the drink like they need the air. No, it's not vodka. It's called kvas. And despite its humble folk origins, the fermented-bread drink brewed by Russians for more than a thousand years has become a booming multimillion-dollar industry. The mildly alcoholic drink, which tastes a bit like a weak beer or wheaty cider, is riding a nationalist resurgence under leader Vladimir Putin, who has boasted of a new era of Russian pride and power.

Bottled kvas sales have tripled in the past three years, according to Moscow-based Business Analytica, and Russians will drink more than three liters (0.79 gallons) per person this year. In Moscow, cola's share of the soft drink market dropped to 32 percent in 2007 from 37 percent in 2005, while kvas' market share more than doubled over the same period to 16 percent in 2007.

Kvas isn't a brand name, though. It's the product. My favorite brand name is Nikola, which, translated from Russian simply means, "Not Cola."

Coffee, Tea or Leave

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A first-class passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from New York to Guyana got so angry when he saw economy passengers deplaning before him he did what?"

20% said "Punched a flight attendant"
- There are lesser reasons to punch a flight attendant.

No one said "Threatened to blow up the plane" or "Locked himself in the bathroom"
- Both so passe.

80% got it right with "Yanked open an emergency hatch"

According to The Associated Press, Guyanese authorities say a first-class airline passenger was so angry at seeing economy passengers leave a jetliner before him that he yanked open an emergency hatch and slid down the chute.

Police spokesman Sealall Persaud says the Guyanese man identified as Satyanand Christopher appeared to be intoxicated after the Delta Air Lines flight from New York.

Pretty soon all these drunk jerks in the sky are going to ruin it for everyone else. They'll take away our booze privileges. We already can't carry on liquids. It will get to the point where we'll have to arrive at the airport drunk, which is just going to slow down going through security.

I said "Frisk me, dammit!"

Give me that wand, I'll show you how to look for weapons.

Yeah, I'm BOMBED. So, what, officer! ...Ow, not the face.

I Believe...

A staple of Locked in a Room with Don Hall and Joe Janes is the two of us periodically pontificating about whatever bird poo we scrape off our frontal lobes and wish to fling out onto the unsuspecting audience. Some of statements are silly, some of them are biting, some of them are thoughtful. Don has devoted Wednesdays to generating more "I Believes" and today, I jump on the bandwagon.

- I believe the NRA is a little too gun happy and should leave those of us who prefer to be gun free alone. They are currently attacking Disney World for not allowing their employees to keep guns in their cars. Come on Disney! This is America. Let your underpaid and underbenefitted employees pack heat. Why stop there? Let's just flat out arm all the Disney cast members. Let Snow White and Cinderella become the next Thelma and Louise. I want to see Goofy up on the castle taking pot shots at tourists. Turn the whole park into Frontierland. Let's make the "happiest place on earth" the "jumpiest place on earth."

- Who the hell listens to wacky radio morning show hosts and why? Their forced anti-clever dribble (for which they are quick to provide their own laughter) punctuated by many fast food commercials and quick hits of the "news" makes me want to rip out my eyes and shove them in my ears. I can see why it would be effective if you are using it to wake up in the morning, but I'd rather pay a homeless guy to scream in my face and kick me in the groin.

- I believe sidewalk dining in the summer in Chicago is for pretentious idiots. I hate how all the restaurants take up precious sidewalk space to offer outside dining. One - it's a pain in the ass for pedestrians. Two - who the hell wants to sit outside in a swirl of exhaust fumes, noisy traffic and beggars? Food tastes better this way? Whenever I am forced to eat outside, I end up hovering over my plate like a prisoner to protect it from falling twigs and bird poop.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco wants to rename what after George W. Bush?"

No one picked "The Golden Gate Bridge," "Alcatraz Island," or "War Memorial Opera House," even though that opera house seems to be begging for a catchier name.

100% got it right with "The Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant"

According to The Associated Press, the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco wants to switch the name of the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.

Supporters hoping to put the issue on the November ballot turned in more than 10,000 signatures to San Francisco election officials, organizer Brian McConnell said. The measure needs just over 7,000 valid names to qualify and McConnell expects to find out later this month whether they made it.

Proponents of the renaming plan see it as fitting tribute to a president they contend has plumbed the depths of incompetence.

"We think that it's important to remember our leaders in the right historical context," said McConnell, a member of the group that was formed after friends came up with the renaming idea.

"In President Bush's case, we think that we will be cleaning up a substantial mess for the next 10 or 20 years," he said. "The sewage treatment facility's job is to clean up a mess, so we think it's a fitting tribute."

I couldn't agree with these folks more. And I can see it opening the way for The Bill Clinton Memorial STD Clinic, The Ronald Reagan Senior Center and the George H. W. Bush Sanctuary for Delinquent Offspring.

Big Hearts, Slightly Used

FIG FIFTEEN - SAVE THE DATE!

On Thursday, August 7, there's going to be a party going on in Rogers Park.

Fig Media, Inc, started by James and Michelle Gustin fifteen years ago, is celebrating its fifteenth anniversary.

They started out as just a scrappy, little deejay company. Now, their skill set and creativity is so expansive, it's hard to pin down exactly what they do or don't do.

I have known James and Michelle for quite some time, but only started working with them professionally since last fall. They asked me to help them out on writing and directing a live presentation for a big corporate event. It turned out to be a huge project that kept getting bigger as we worked on it. I've come to discover that this is the norm at Fig Media. Projects just seem to expand like one of those tiny toy dinosaurs you put in water overnight.

What I like most about James and Michelle and the culture at Fig is the fearlessness. Nobody says "We can't do that. We don't know how." It's more like "We don't know how to do that, so let's do it." Every project is an opportunity for growth as an artist and as a human being.

Culturally, it's a hip, little company full of big hearted people. That's PD in the picture above. You'll see her hanging out at Fig a lot, and, as you can see, she is one of their top models.

If you are in the neighborhood of 1120 West Granville (near Broadway - RIGHT UNDER THE L TRACKS - a fun feature when you are on a conference call or recording a voiceover!) after 7pm, stop on by. There'll be music, and video and photography on display and you'll meet the fine folks of Fig.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A 52-year-old Milwaukee area man has been accused of trying to get out of cab fares and restaurant bills by doing what?"

12% said "Pretending to be a health inspector."
- Do cabs have health inspectors? Because I think I had some tainted meat with my last cab ride.

13% said "Pretending to be John McCain's son."
- Very convincing, too. He had another guy pretending to be Joe Lieberman's son whispering in his ear and correcting things that he said. "Take me downtown...I mean, uptown. Of course."

No one bought "Pretending to be a newspaper critic."

75% got it right with "Faking a heart attack."

According to The Associated Press, a 52-year-old Milwaukee-area man has been accused of faking heart attacks to avoid paying restaurant bills and cab fares.

Police say the man took a cab to a mall Monday and pretended to have a heart attack. The cab driver left unpaid.

Authorities say the man then ran up a $23 bill when he had a steak dinner at Applebee's. He again pretended to have a heart attack.

This time the fire department took him to a hospital. A doctor there recognized the man as having pulled the same stunt in the past few weeks.

He was charged Thursday with defrauding a restaurant as a habitual criminal. He could get up to nine months in prison and a $10,000 fine.

Hmmm... I'd look for this in the future...

Judge: How do you plead?

Man: I plead...oh...oh,my...

Judge: What's the matter?

Man: My left arm. It's numb.

Judge: Really,now...

Man: Seriously. Someone call...a...ack...my chest...it's like a sledgehammer...

Judge: I am about to throw you in jail for contempt of court, sir!

(The man collapses on to the floor.)

Judge: I'm just not buying this, counselor.

Counselor: Yeah. He did the same thing when we discussed my bill. (Counselor taps man with his foot.) He's good though.

Metalunatics

((Editor's note: Things have been a little nutty lately, but I will do my best to at least update the daily quiz and get you all up to speed on my doings and dones soon - Joe.))

We're coming down to the wire on putting Metaluna and the Amazing Science of the Mind Revue up in front of people. Wheeeeeee! It's like Christmas seeing all the props and costumes and the set all come together. The good kind of Christmas - not the "get me another beer" and "why aren't you playing with the cigarettes I got you" kind.

For a very eloquent description of the play by Mike Johnson, go HERE. You'll also get treated to a fun Bare Naked Ladies music video.

Previews for Metaluna begin next week. Get in on the action. They are only five bucks at the door at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - the 14th, 15th and 16th - we open on Friday the 18th.

The show is at A Red Orchid Theatre.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Thursday of last week, I asked...

"Angel Eversole of Kentucky is facing prostitution charges for allegedly trading sex for what?"

34% said "Groceries"
- I can relate to this. I've wanted to get down on my knees more than a few times for a bag of Oreos and a few staples.

No one went for "Mortgage" or "Love"

66% got it right with "Gasoline"

According to The Smoking Gun, a Kentucky woman is facing prostitution charges for allegedly trading sex for gasoline. Angela Eversole, 34, was nabbed last weekend during a police stakeout at a Days Inn, where she allegedly trysted with customer Kenneth Nowak. According to court records, Nowak admitted paying for Eversole's services, in part, with a $100 Speedway gas card.

America complains about getting screwed at the pumps. May as well get paid for it.

Happy Birthday, America!