Why McCain Won't Let Palin Step Down

There's a lot of rumblin's in Washington and across the country that McCain screwed up and needs to cut Palin loose. That won't happen. We have seen McCain reverse positions, sometimes in a day, on all kinds of issues. Most recently, the economy. The reason it's so confounding, is because he never acknowledges that he has changed his position. He just puts things into context for us - in his bitten-in-the-ass-wincing-grandfatherly way. He has never admitted he was wrong about anything and he will never admit that Palin was the wrong choice. His wrong choice.He'll stick to his choices do or die because, dammit, that's what a Maverick does. Apparently.

There's someone else who never admits he was wrong about anything and never shows remorse for his decisions. He's the guy who currently occupies the White House. He calls himself The Decider. Which he is. It's just that most of the decisions have been boneheaded and he refuses to make note of that.

And that's another reason why McCain and Bush will stay in Iraq until they have achieved victory. Otherwise, they'd have to admit they fucked up. 100,000 military and civilian casualties is a good decision and they intend to add more bones to the pile until the Iraqis finally get it through their thick skulls that we liberated them.

So, if you want McCain, you are stuck with Palin. The Maverick has decided.


SOMETHING ELSE THAT BUGS ME ABOUT AS MUCH

Kermit asks the musical question, "Why are there so many songs about rainbows?"

Well, there aren't, Kermit. Except for the one in which you sing that inquiry, I can't think of one damn other tune. Oh, sure, there's that other song you're thinking of that Judy Garland sings, but you know what? It's not about rainbows! It's about some place over the rainbow. The rainbow is just some colorful wall of Berlin. An obstacle to seeing trouble melt like lemon drops. There's an old country song called Rainbow Stew. Know what it's about? Stew!

So, there, Kermit. My friend. I suggest you change that lyric to "Why is this the only song about rainbows?"

Huzzah!


IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE

Friday night. 8pm. iO. Be there. See me. Touch me. Feel me.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Third grade teacher Donna Coulter of Kissimmee Charter Academy was recently fired for asking her students to do what?"

50% said "Tell their parents to vote Democrat"
- And to punch the hole in the vote card ALL THE WAY THROUGH!

25% said "Buy her artwork"
- It wouldn't have been bad, except she draws like a 30-year-old.

No one said "Wash her car"

25% got it right with "Give her massages"

According to WFTV in Orlando, in Donna Coulter's third grade class, each student had a job. It could be cleaning the room, organizing books or taking out the trash, but one task really upset parents."One of the jobs she was giving was to give her massages," said parent Stacey Vazquez. While school administrators did not want to go on camera, they did tell Eyewitness News that effective Tuesday Coulter no longer works there. They sent home a note to parents saying, "Due to unforeseen circumstance, Ms. Coulter will no longer be teaching your student in the third grade."

I think this is very short-sighted thinking on the parents and school administrator's part. This is Florida. Orlando, no less. These kids need to learn vocational skills early. The real estate market is crap right now. Jobs at the amusement parks are only for slave who can smile. Learn to give massages, and there's more work opportunity. And there's always a happy ending.

Hey, Look! I'm An Ad!

Fig liked the picture Tim Musho and I did so much, they are using it to promote their new photo studio. You can also see it in all its full-page glory in an ad in the next issue of CS magazine.

CHEDDAR MOON

Cheddar Moon, a ten-minute play I wrote last year, opens this week at Donny's Skybox as part of a collaborative production between Second City and Chicago Dramatists. I caught a runthrough last night. It features the brilliant Kristen Secrist as the lovely, yet bearded lunch lady Doreena, Ian Custer as her rebellious lost love Nick and the ever reliable and always hysterical Mike Johnson as wormy Principal Tate. Jason Fleece directs. This is my first time working with Jason, Kristen and Ian and they are doing a fantastic job nailing the melodramatic tone of the piece. And Mike is always a blast. There's an awesome fight scene using soup ladles and novelty pencils choreographed by Sarah Pitard that makes it worth the price of admission.

The show runs Saturday nights in October at 10:30pm.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Old Town Ale House in Chicago is stirring up some controversy. They recently hung an original painting of what?"

17% said "Cheney sodomizing Bush"
- And lined up behind Cheney is China, Wall Street, Saudi Arabia and Putin.

12% said "Biden in a KKK outfit"
- And he's sitting next FDR in one of his TV-side chats.

6% said "McCain and Obama soul kissing"
- This only exists in my imagination. My sweet, sweet, imagination.

65% got it right with "Palin naked"

According to The Chicago Tribune, Bruce Elliott has painted a nude portrait of Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and hung it above the Old Town Ale House, where it's now a prime attraction among his display of more than 200 celebrity portraits and other racy art.

I love the Ale House. Great jukebox - one of the best in the city - great divy atmosphere, one of the best places to celebrate or just chill after doing a show. Long live the Ale House!

I Had A Movement

Well, I moved my body, two cats and lots of stuff yesterday from Logan Square to Rogers Park. I used Done Right Movers, and they did good by me. They quoted me a good price and a two-and-a-half hour move. And that's exactly what it was and what they did. Having done three moves in three years, I don't see myself ever going back to the rent-a-U-Haul-and-beg-friends-to-help service I had previously used for so long. Especially since it rained yesterday. Under the old model, it would have taken forever. These guys didn't even mention the rain or complain about it.

Unfortunately, I'm without Internet service at home til Friday. I'm sitting in a diner at Clark and Devon that has free wi-fi. And a decent skillet breakfast - although, dear God, people, don't put carrots in breakfast food! Or veggie burritoes! Stir Frys, yes, go for it. Otherwise, it's just not right.

Anyway, Comcast, my Internet provider, has really become more efficient. Last year, they screwed up after my move. This time, they screwed up a good four days before I moved. I arranged for everything on-line, even using their live chat service to talk to a rep, and set up someone coming to my new apartment tomorrow to set everything up. I did this a good week and a half ago. Everything went smooth as soy milk. Then on Thursday morning last week, I started getting automated calls saying someone would be coming by between 8am and 10am to install my cable. Whuh? I haven't even moved yet!

I had to call information to get their service number and then go through a hall of mirrors-esque series of voice-mail promps that included every option except "Press 3 if we screwed something up." I finally spoke to a live person who, without any apology or acknowledgement of responsibility, simply changed it to the next available slot of Friday. Woo-hoo! Two more days of trying to scam free Internet service from places and not being able to DVR Fringe, Sarah Connor or Burn Notice. Oh, and crap, doesn't Pushing Daisies start up this week? Oh, and, by the way, the economy sucks and Washington is still saying there "might" be a recession if they don't do anything. Might? Banks failing, epidemic foreclosures, McCain susoending his campaign, Bush giving a go-to-war-like talk about the economy... What's a recession? When the entire state of Illinois piles into a big jalaopy and heads west looking for work?

Um, okay, when I notice myself going on a rant about fairly petty things like cable service, I feel compelled to balance it out with something more substantial.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Paul Newman's first starring role came in 1956 when he was called upon to replace whom?"

37% said "Marlon Brando"

12% said "Charlton Heston"

13% said "Tony Curtis"

38% got it right with "James Dean"

According to My Way News, Newman's breakthrough was enabled by tragedy: James Dean, scheduled to star as the disfigured boxer in a television adaptation of Ernest Hemingway's "The Battler," died in a car crash in 1955. His role was taken by Newman, then a little-known performer.

No bits here. Paul Newman was a class act all the way. His films are a study of manhood -a rite of passage for guys. His characters often held dark sides and light sides and often persevered in struggling to do the right thing. A role model for everyone and he sets the bar high for all men and all humans who aspire to walk their talk.

Define Victory

So, the first presidential debate was last Friday and everyone expected McCain, riding in on his suspended-campaign-I'll-save-the-economy horse, to implode. Or explode. Or both. He actually may have imploded a few times accounting for the inability to turn his head to the left and make eye contact with Obama. Actually, it just may be an aversion to turning his head to the left.

Just based on performance, I'd say it was a tie. Both candidates had the moments of sounding like the knew what they were talking about and could actually make a difference in Washington. If you do a fact check, Obama won. That is the measure that I think is most important. The candidate who told the truth the most was Obama. McCain still plays old school, such as when he claimed Obama didn't support the troops because he voted against funding. I wasn't a fan of the debate format - although I appreciated the audience having to remain quiet - but it did allow Obama to respond to McCain's lies. He countered McCain by showing that based on McCain's definition, John didn't support the troops either. Both have voted against funding because they disagreed on attachments to the funding, namely timeline or no timeline for withdrawal.

John McCain doesn't want a timeline. We're there until the job is done and our troops can come home in victory. However many are left of them, will be able to raise their heads high because no one will be shooting at them. The question I wish had been asked is "What defines victory?" Obama wants to bring the troops home in a measured withdrawal that would take over sixteen months. He wants to turn Iraq over to the Iraqi government. Isn't that victory? McCain doesn't want to leave until all the fighting stops - or until all the bad guys are killed. That's the battle that could take 100 years. That where you have to ask if it's worth more American lives and trillions of more dollars that we have to borrow and then not spend on our own country.

Basically, John McCain wants to keep us in Iraq because he wants us to look good. He doesn't want to correct a mistake. He doesn't want a repeat of Vietnam where, by his standards, we should have stayed and could still be there. That, my friends, is not victory I can believe in.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A battery charge has been dropped against Jose Cruz of West Virgina who was accused of doing what?"

14% said "aggravated laughing"
- It was the added, "Why so serious?" that pissed off the cops.

15% said "aggravated gum chewing"
- Well, he did chew like a cow. A very angry cow.

No one said "aggravated littering"

71% got it right with "aggravated farting"

According to The Associated Press, according to a criminal complaint, Jose Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward Charleston, West Virgina patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied.

An assistant says Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge last Thursday.

Having had an older brother who often used farts as a weapon, I say they should throw the book at this guy. And them give him the gas chamber. Or, at least, the dutch oven with his new prison cell mate.

What A Country!

In my race to be completely prepared for movers on Monday, I have been going through boxes of papers. Boxes loaded with written works that date back to college. I'm determined to go through all my boxes and throw out everything I don't need or want.

I found a stack of jokes I tried to sell to Yakov Smirnoff.

Um, let me explain.

In the early-to-mid '90s, I was waiting on tables and temping at an insurance company. I was hungry to make income as a comedy writer. I used to do stand-up professionally, I took classes at Second City, I had an Emmy, for cryin' out loud. I was scouring all the available resources, mainly The Chicago Reader classifieds. Imagine the delight my barely used highlighter experienced when it was finally able to circle the heading "Comedy Writer Wanted." Yakov Smirnoff was prepping a weekly radio show to go along with a show he was mounting in Branson.

Yakov Smirnoff. Branson. And I desperately wanted to write for him.

Uncovered in a small U-Haul box amidst scribbled upon cocktail napkins, Xeroxed handwritten sketches, a 22-page Clash of Context sketch putting the cast of The Jack Benny Show in charge of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) and a screenplay handwritten on legal paper, I found nine pages of jokes I faxed to Yakov Smirnoff.

Yakov was looking for material based on current events (In this case, the summer of 1994). Sifting through the pages, I can see where I blatantly tore the remaining bits of meat from my old stand-up material as well as writing some original stuff, mostly bad.

Here's what I had to say about...

- Telephone companies offering cable TV service -

"Businesses will be able to buy time on my line. "We'll be right back with more about your mother and her operation right after this from Rolaids!"

- 72-year-old Senator Bob Dole running for president -

To show he's fit to hold office, he put together a package of his medical records from the past 50 years. Unfortunately, he forgot where he put it... In Russia, in order to not upset the balance of power, the health of the leaders were always exaggerated (my note: "exaggerated" is not the right word. I should have used the word "downplayed.") A heart condition would be referred to as the sniffles. If someone was bed-ridden, they were taking a little "r and r." Even death was considered a sleep disorder.

- On buying American automobiles -

I hate being followed around by salesmen when I'm looking at cars. I'm afraid they'll try to rip me off when they see how little I know. "What kind of car are you looking for?" "Oh, you know. A red one."..."What kind of mileage do you want?" "Oh, you know. The good kind."...In Russia, you were lucky to have a car, even luckier if it ran. Most cars sat on the street propped up on communist blocks. Ha, ha. That's a joke.

- On Yasser Arafat becoming as father -

Given that Arafat is in his 60s and his wife is half his age, some people have questioned if he is the true father. He responded by saying, "Yasser, that's my baby. No, Sir, don't mean maybe..."

- flag burning -

Congress will soon be voting on an amendment to ban desecrating the American flag. The republicans are the most out-spoken in favor of the proposal. Not because of any deep-seated patriotism. They're afraid someone may attempt to burn the same flag they're trying to wrap themselves in. Is this a big problem, people burning flags? In Russia, we were encouraged to burn flags. For many long winters it was our only source of heat.

- smog levels in cities -

Smog is no longer just a stigma associated with Los Angeles. Many cities across the country are now suffering from it. Scientists are already on the case. They determined that Nashville smog levels could be cut 50% if they can just get Dolly Parton to switch from hair spray to styling gel.

- On Disney -

Disney has bought ABC television network for $19 billion dollars. Imagine that, a mascot of a multi-billion dollar corporation being this cute little guy with a round head and big ears...but Ted Koppel says he doesn't mind the attention...In Russia, there is only one television network. They have TV shows based on hits in the United States. Programs like: "Full Apartment," "The Price Is Right, But The Line Is Too Long," "Pond Watch," and , my favorite, "Russia's Funniest Home Recollections." No one can afford a video camera.

He never bought any of my jokes. Imagine that.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Wednesday, I asked...

"Cindy Michaels, a news anchor in Maine, has been getting hate mail from viewers because of what?"

16% said "Her insistence on wearing a burka"
- And then overcompensating by wearing too much eye make-up.

8% said "Her unchecked support of Ralph Nader"
- "Now, unsafe at any speed, is sports with Bud Glickman."

No one said "Her hard-to-pronounce name"
- It is hard to pronounce, but if you get her to say it backwards, she'll disappear.

75% got it right with "Her resemblance to Sarah Palin"

According to The Associated Press, a Maine TV news anchor who bears a resemblance to the Republican vice presidential nominee says she's been getting "hate mail and nasty phone calls" from viewers who think she's trying to copy Sarah Palin's signature style.





I was sympathetic to Ms.Michaels, until I saw this on her news station's website...

Michaels says she would never let this criticism of looking like one of the country's most inspirational women effect her appearance. She says to look like Palin is an honor.

Really? Inspirational? An honor? Then I realized she only started putting her hair up and wearing glasses since the Republican National Convention. Here's a picture of her previous to that interviewing a religious leader...





She's the one on the left.

I Believe...

- we already have the technology to significantly reduce oil dependence. We have electric cars and wind and solar power have already proven their effectiveness. If the government would spend less money on wars and handing out golden parachutes to the CEO club and put it towards making alternative energy affordable, we could be off Mideast oil tomorrow.

- that while John, Paul and George may have been prolific musical geniuses (and, yes, I mean "been," even though Macca is still with us), Ringo was and is more fun. I always root for Ringo.

- the Democrats do have a hand in what's happened on Wall Street, if only because they let it happen. But what I find interesting is that the Republican response is to blame someone else. It would be nice if they didn't use words like "responsibility" and "accountability" as campaign buzz words and things they need to hold other people to. I want politicians who hold themselves responsible and accountable.

- I'm tired of people calling Sarah Palin a liar for her Bridge to Nowhere response to congress of "Thanks, but no thanks." It is exactly what she said. She said "thanks" for the free 230 million dollars in earmarks and "no thanks" to giving it back.

- getting your picture taken with Henry Kissinger doesn't give you foreign policy cred.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Archaeologists now believe Stonehenge may have been a place for what?"

36% said "selling"
- It was the Maxwell Street of its time...bratwursts (100% pure goat), bootleg designer tunics and entertaining human sacrifices.

36% said "voting"
- Those arches are the world's first voting booths.

No one said "resting"
- They're right. No toilets, no vending machines, no resting!

27% said "healing"

According to The Associated Press, the first excavation of Stonehenge in more than 40 years has uncovered evidence that the stone circle drew ailing pilgrims from around Europe for what they believed to be its healing properties, archaeologists said Monday.

People stopped coming when it was almost trampled by a midget.

HolyCrapWe'reF**KED!

The above title intentionally has commas and space missing because it feels all like one word screaming in my head.

I'm talking about the economy.

At first, I felt like Nelson on the sidelines pointing and saying "Ha! Ha!". It doesn't affect me.

The Bush administrations coddling of corporations and the raping of the middle and lower class has actually worked in my favor. I have no major investments. I have no minor investments. I have really minuscule investments. IRA's that will cover my ass for about about a week once I retire my wrinkly ass. Millionaires and billionaires are the ones who got hit the worst. And it was at the effect of their own corporate boners for deregulation. Deregulation doesn't work. Give people in power the opportunity to "monitor" themselves, they'll make the choices that make themselves and their shareholders richer. And that's what they are trying to do in the bailout.

In the last gasps of the Bush administration, Bush and pals have drafted a bailout that gives absolute power to the Secretary of the Treasury, absolute power without retribution. There's also no accountability or penalty against the big corporations being bailed out. It's as if the government is responding to some "Act of God" natural disaster, not the massive mishandling of people's money. They want to get their buddies off the hook and give them a free ride.

This has been typical behavior of Bush's shock doctrine politics. Take advantage of major events, like 9/11, or, in this case, a huge stock market crash, and push policies through quickly while people are panicked. Fortunately, many people have become accustomed to this disaster maneuvering and are able to more consciously respond to the what's going on. Even both presidential candidates (yes, I know, there's more than two, but, really, there's only two) agree that this bailout plan is crap. That's good news.

So, why am I still brain yelping "HolyCrapWe'reF**ked!"?

While congress has become more saavy to Bush's shenanigans, they're behind the curve of most of us. And we've seen him slide all sorts of crap through to the point of making the U.S. Constitution a curious historical document. And I recently read The Road. In Cormac McCarthy's apocalyptic novel, he never explains how we got to this point. What's happening right now with the economy, our ever-increasing trillion-dollar deficit, our immense trade deficit, our spreading our military resources so thin... well, this is a way to get us on The Road.

What can we do? Really? Not much. Short of millions and millions of us storming the White House with torches and pitch forks - an idea I do condone - there's just not much we can do before November 4th. And I don't envy Barack Obama. If he gets elected, he has eight years of red tape to untangle and unmangle. It's change we can believe in, but it ain't going to happen over night. And there are a lot of rich, powerful people who don't want change who will be doing everything they can to keep it from happening. They don't mind if we all end up traveling the roadways with our broken down shopping carts foraging for food. They have their thirteen cars to protect them.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Scientists in Japan are working on a new way for man to reach space. They refer to the technology as what?"

36% said "Space Tube"
- Yes. And we have to carry messages when being shot through the tube.

10% said "Space Escalator"
- Just remember to not block the path. Stand on the left, defy gravity on the right.

9% said "Space Balls"
- Yes. And our astronauts will be giant hamsters.

45% got it right with "Space Elevator"

According to The Times Online, the finest scientific minds of Japan are devoting themselves to cracking the greatest sci-fi vision of all: the space elevator. Up and down the 22,000 mile-long (36,000km) cables — or flat ribbons — will run the elevator carriages, themselves requiring huge breakthroughs in engineering to which the biggest Japanese companies and universities have turned their collective attention.

My life is a sitcom. My luck, I'd get stuck two miles above the planet with a pregnant lady and have to help her give birth in zero gravity. Ew.

Here's an artist's rendering of what the elevator station would look like on earth.
Here's what the other end looks like...