I Believe...

...the future is here. We can take a little pill for anything. Unfortunately, that little pill has ten other side effects as bad or worse than what ails you, but don't worry. There's a pill for each one of those, too.

...that when someone is ill, a sign of their recovery is the return of their hunger. When someone goes through a break-up, a sign of recovery is having fun flirting.

...that 'barista' is just a fancy word for to keep low wage fast food workers from feeling completely like shit while making the soy latte the lady in the fur jacket is just going to have them remake because the foam isn't foamy enough for her.

...homeless people would be less scary if they weren't so grumpy. Remember, homeless dude, that McDonald's drink cup you pulled out of the trash isn't 90% empty, it's 10% full (5% backwash).

...Musicals that simply imitate a film for the stage caters to the morons holding civilization back from evolving intellectually. A good story should be able to stand uniquely on its own as a novel, play, pop-up book, whatever. To simply recreate a film on stage with millions of dollars of copycat eye candy is creatively weak.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

(editor's note: Apparently, I screwed up entering the date and time for the poll/quiz to close and ended up only leaving about a one hour window from the time of posting to the time of closing. My bad and my apologies for anyone who didn't get to show off their smarts.)

Yesterday, I asked...

"Researchers at Florida State University have created a material 10x lighter than paper and stronger than steel. They call it what?"

100% said "adamantium"
- No. As Gene Grillo once told me, adamantium is the strongest substance known to comic book artists.

No one said "wonderflonium" or "THX 1138"

No one got the correct answer, "buckypaper"

According to The Huffington Post, buckypaper is 10 times lighter but potentially 500 times stronger than steel when sheets of it are stacked and pressed together to form a composite. Unlike conventional composite materials, though, it conducts electricity like copper or silicon and disperses heat like steel or brass. So far, buckypaper can be made at only a fraction of its potential strength, in small quantities and at a high price. The Florida State researchers are developing manufacturing techniques that soon may make it competitive with the best composite materials now available.

The best thing about buckypaper is its potential use on Klingon starships to build tanks to transport whales from the past to the future to communicate with destructive probes from the outer regions of space.

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, SATAN

Ladies and gentlemen, demons and demonettes, RVD is proud to present our newest show. Here is the press release, for your enjoyment:

Robot vs. Dinosaur Presents:

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, SATAN
HOW SATAN SOLD HIS SOUL

Opening: October 31st, 2008
Closing: November 22nd, 2008
Days and Time: Fridays and Saturdays at 10pm
Location: Gorilla Tango Theatre
1919 N. Milwaukee Ave
Chicago, IL 60647
Tickets: $12

For Tickets, Call 773.598.4544 or visit http://www.gorillatango.com/

CHICAGO, IL – Robot vs. Dinosaur proudly presents their new show, Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan. Times are tough everywhere, even in Hell. With Hell crippled by overcrowding, thanks in part to the Internet, Satan may be forced to make a rash decision. But when push comes to shove, will Satan sell out?

Follow along as a father and son journey past demons, sinners and a three-headed puppy on a tour of the past, present and future of Hell led by none other than Satan himself.

Opening just in time for the Halloween weekend, Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan weaves together short comic scenes with compelling narrative to create a funny and playfully irreverent theatrical experience that will leave audiences laughing.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan is performed by Neil Arsenty, Kim Boler, Lisa Burton, Jill Fenstermaker, Tim Heurlin, Ryan McDermott, Nat Topping and Trish Vignola and is directed by Geoff Crump.

Robot vs. Dinosaur is Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Joe Janes, Joe Linstroth, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling.

((Even though my name sneaks in there at the end, I haven't had much to do with this show other than pop in from time-to-time and throw my slight weight around. I sat in on a rehearsal two weeks ago and these guys and gals are in great shape. It's hysterical. Well cast. I can't wait to see the show on Halloween.))


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Wayne Forrester says he killed his wife with a meat cleaver because she provoked him by doing what?"

No one said "having an affair with their marriage counselor," "telling their children he was gay," or even "bringing a date to their divorce hearing"

100% got it right with "changing her Facebook status to single"

According to The Daily Mail UK, Wayne Forrester, 34, London, drank alcohol and took cocaine before driving 15 miles to the family home to attack wife Emma as she lay in bed.

The couple had separated four days before the murder in February and Forrester later told police he had been provoked by his wife changing her marital status to "single" on her Facebook entry, the court heard.

Forrester drove to Croydon armed with the knife and meat cleaver and forced the front door open. After neighbours called 999 he emerged from the house covered in blood and holding a carton of juice.

Yikes. Gruesome horrible stuff. But let's look at the real culprit in all this. To hell with the alcohol and cocaine. Facebook is the real drug at work here. I am new to Facebook. I am hooked. It might take someone with a meat cleaver to get me away from my laptop and go to work.

Squonk If You Love Fairy Tales

REVIEW: Gregor and the Squonk

Gregor and the Squonk
Written by Daniel Caffrey
Directed by Susan Myburgh
Presented by Tympanic Theatre Company

Through Nov 1st 2008

Thursday, Friday and Saturday, 8:00PM

@The Bailiwick Arts Center - Loft

1229 W. Belmont, Chicago, IL

Tickets are Pay What You Can!
Email tickets@tympanictheatre.org to reserve your tickets

Gregor and the Squonk sounds like it's a play about Gregor and the Squonk, but it is not. I'm not exactly sure what it is about, but it's not that. I felt like I spent more time with Gregor's wife Margaret (Ali Delianides) and her doctor (McKenzie Gerber) than I did with either Gregor or said Squonk.

There's a lot of creativity going on in this production. Tympanic puts a lot of thought into costumes and effects. And I commend them for their use of space. Characters pepper themselves throughout the lobby as you make your way through the Village Thrift store-like environs of the Bailiwick in transition. Getting to the tiny loft space is like an adventure in and of itself. Director Susan Myburgh uses this well and uses the limitations of the space to her and the cast's advantage.

The story deals with Gregor's wife, whom he loves very much, but she doesn't get it. She thinks she's ugly and is doing all sorts of stuff, including having a resident plastic surgeon on hand, to get the hands of fate to lay off. To try to appease her, Gregor has gone off in search of a mythical creature that, if consumed, will turn his wife beautiful. Kind of a cool story with a lot of potential as a cautionary fairy tale for grown-ups, but the play never lives up to its promise.

Daniel Caffrey's script has many long, repetitive scenes where characters spend a lot of time arguing and yelling and not moving things forward. Daniel is very active in Chicago's improv community and it would do him well to apply what he knows to his writing. Strong improvisers know to avoid or move through arguments, have strong, clear objectives of what they want from other characters, and, most importantly - show, don't tell. For example, as I mentioned earlier, Gregor is very much in love with his wife, Maragret. How do we know that? He tells us. We never see it and because we never see it, we have a hard time buying it. The only scene between Gregor and his wife is near the end. Up until that time, we only see Margaret screeching, yelling, fighting and, occasionally, being forcefully sedated by the doctor. There's not a lot to love.

The strongest section comes when the doctor tells the story of his mother's own struggle to see her own beauty. He thoughtfully tells the story while Whitney Valencia shows us the woman's pain. Some powerful moments and the longest stretch in the play where no one is bellowing.

Almost making the evening worthwhile is Megan Gotz' performance as The Squonk. She's brilliantly emotionally invested while also being very playful and childlike. She brings the play to life on her entrance and makes you feel like you really are encountering a mythical creature. Her costuming and make-up are also another example of how very creative Tympanic can be. Unfortunately, her scene with Gregor also falls into the category of needing editing and boasting way too much yelling. This scene also fails to play the reality of the situation. Gregor is out to kill a beast, much like he would a muskrat or any other animal. Yet, he shows no surprise at The Squonk's command of the English language. The Squonk also begs Gregor to tell her a story because she's never heard one before. If she has never heard one before, how does she know what a story is? There's potential to really explore a relationship here - the hunter and his prey that talks back, the man using the life of someone else for his wife's vanity, etc - but we never go there.

Caffrey sets out to bring us into a Neil Gaiman-esque world, but doesn't do his work on crafting the story and characters. The women get the shaft by only being portrayed as crazy and obsessed. The men love them, but for no good reason that we can see. There's a lesson about the beauty myth here somewhere, but no one in the production gets to learn it. The creativity at work gives me hope for future Tympanic productions as long as they go back to square one - good story telling.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"According to NASA, astronauts returning from space walks report that space smells like what?"

30% said "coffee"
- Nope. That's just the aroma from the one millionth store Starbucks opened on the moon.

28% said "lavender"
- Space is just a big bowl of potpourri.

7% said "alien teen spirit"
- Really? Someone voted for that? You know that "No Child Left Behind" educational program? We should really leave a few kids at the curb.

35% got it right with "fried steak"

According to The Sun, outer space smells of fried steak, scientists revealed yesterday. The universe also has an aroma of hot metal and motorbike welding, NASA experts said. Astronauts reported the bizarre scents on their suits when they returned from space walks.

The space agency has commissioned Steven Pearce of British fragrance firm Omega Ingredients to recreate the smells to help train spacemen.

He said: “When astronauts were de-suiting and taking off helmets, they all reported quite particular odours.

“We have already produced the smell of fried steak, but hot metal is more difficult."

Well, I can't wait for this line of perfumes and colognes to hit the market. Estee Lauder's Space Meat.

You Know...Stuff

CHEDDAR FIXATIONS

Moral Fixations opens tonight at Donny's Skybox and there are only two shows left for Saturday's The Best of The Tens featuring Cheddar Moon, also at The Skybox, and this week is already over half sold. So, please come check them out and I strongly suggest buying your ticket in advance. Call the box office at 312.337.3992 or go on-line.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A restaurant chain in London has angered animal rights groups because its new pizza features what?"

40% said "Mountain Gorilla Breast Milk Cheese"
- Got to give props to the cajones on the dude that milks the gorilla. Make sure those hands are warm.

30% said "Foie Gras"
- Someone somewhere I'm sure already does this and Domino's will pick up on it soon.

10% said "Mashed Baby Chicks"
- Could be, but they'd have to make it sound better, french it up, like just le peep peep squishé.

20% got it right with "Frog Legs"

According to The Sun (I love it when I can attribute the center of our solar system as a source. That sun, what is it not a source of!), the “Hopper” contains eight limbs on a traditional base with capers and an anchovy sorbet.

The £17.95 dish has angered campaigners who slammed it as “barbaric” — because frogs’ legs are amputated while they are still alive.

An Animal Aid spokeswoman urged people to boycott London chain Eco.

She said: “The animals typically have their limbs hacked off while still alive, having been captured by the bucketload from the wild in countries like Indonesia."

Chef Sami Wasif came up with the idea on a trip to Paris — and called it “refined”.

Go ahead. Order it. But don't be surprised if you hear a squeaky wheel coming up behind you.

Joel James Is In The Hizzouse!

So, I have been in my new apartment for a little over two weeks and was getting frustrated with my landlord because my name had yet to be added to the telephone intercom system nor had it been put on my mailbox. Several phone calls and e-mails, he finally put me in the system yesterday.

Well, not me. Joel James now lives in my apartment. People misspell my last name all the time, so that wasn't a surprise. But "Joel"? Given how long it took just to get ol' Joel in there, I expect it will be a few more weeks before Joe gets added. Oh, and no name on the mailbox. I went ahead and did it myself. Handwritten on a white sticky label, which always looks like crap, I think.

By the way, if you Google "Joel James," you get this guy...




Check out his MySpace page. It's great. I feel bad for my neighbors, though.

Other than that, I do like my apartment. I went insane at Target yesterday and bought a lot of new goodies for the place. And I do mean insane. I wasn't expecting to move and really had to move some mountains to afford the transition. The last two weeks have been very tight. Down to loose change to ride the El tight. When money came in, I was like the drunk at the bar buying everyone drinks. Except instead of drinks, I bought new pot holders and underwear and dish towels and shower curtains and a shelving unit and cat litter for everyone! It's on me! I'm buying! Woo-hoo!

Everything I bought I did need. Well, almost everything. I probably didn't really need the extended and unrated versions of Death Proof and Planet Terror, but, damn, they were only $7.50 each! Who am I kidding? I needed them. They are essentials. The toothpaste and toilet paper can wait.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, once represented this well known enemy of the United States."

27% said "William Ayers"
- Nah. Who cares about a washed-up terrorist. Timmons was with a real playah.

No one said "Mahmud Ahmadinejad" or "Osama Bin Laden"

73% got it right with "Saddam Hussein"

According to The Huffington Post, William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist who John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, aided an influence effort on behalf of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to ease international sanctions against his regime.

The two lobbyists who Timmons worked closely with over a five year period on the lobbying campaign later either pleaded guilty to or were convicted of federal criminal charges that they had acted as unregistered agents of Saddam Hussein's government.

Timmons' activities occurred in the years following the first Gulf War, when Washington considered Iraq to be a rogue enemy state and a sponsor of terrorism.

Um, yah. Senator McCain, if you smell something rotten when you talk about Obama's associations, check your own drawers first. They're stinkier.

Moral Fixation

The Writing 5 Show Moral Fixation opens on Friday night. Great cast, strong writing. And some of the weirdest scenes that have ever been in a W5 show. We run for five weeks, Fridays at 7:30pm, in the Skybox. Sarah Erdelyan designed the flyer.


I Believe...

- Sarah Palin is telling anyone that will listen that the troopergate report that came out last Friday clears her of any unethical and unlawful wrongdoing. It clearly does not. Sarah Palin and John McCain believe that if you say a lie loud enough for long enough, it becomes truth enough.


MORE OF THIS IN THE WORLD, PLEASE



Bright Eyes' music video for their song First Day Of My Life off of their 2005 album I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Levi Johnston, who is having a baby with Bristol Palin, did what to prepare for fatherhood?"

20% said "moved into the governor's mansion"
- He sleeps in the tanning bed.

20% said "bought a Kevlar tux to wear at the shotgun wedding"
- He claims its not a shotgun wedding. But keep an eye out a year from now for a shotgun divorce.

10% said "sought advice from John McCain"
- "Marry her, Son. Then when she gets ugly or has a debilitating accident, divorce her and move on to a wealthy peroxide silicone hottie."

50% got it right with "dropped out of high school"

According to The Associated Press, not surprisingly, Johnston was a little shocked when he learned about Bristol's pregnancy, but he says he quickly embraced the prospects of fatherhood. The baby is due Dec. 18. Johnston has dropped out of high school to take a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician.

Oh, and Sarah Palin's advice to high schoolers considering dropping out?... "I'd remind the kids that no matter where they are in life _ (maybe) in circumstances that probably aren't ideal _ that there is no circumstance that they're in that is insurmountable or would necessitate them just giving up."

She's also against sex education in school.

The self-serving comedy writer side of me really wants her to become vice-president. This shit just writes itself.

CTA's New Strategy

Regular readers have heard me lament about the state of the CTA. It used to be great. Very reliable. Maybe once a year I would have a problem getting somewhere on time. A fair trade for all the times it got me where I needed to be on time or early. Now, I always give myself an extra half hour to 45 minutes and will still be thwarted in my quest to be punctual.

I have also noticed a dramatic increase in panhandlers and con artists on the train. On the way to work over the weekend, I waited 20 minutes for a train and then that train sat at Wilson for ten minutes. During that ten minutes, a guy went through with his homemade gospel CDs. He even rapped a few samples. Yep. Rap gospel. I did not feel saved. I felt like I was in hell. Then a guy came in telling us all that he was a good guy just trying to find work but needs help so he can better himself with classes and improve his prospects. He even had a laminated resume to show us. And other guy just went person to person asking for change. He wasn't stomping for Obama.

On the way back, I actually saw some guys running The Shell Game. Not familiar? It looks like just one guy with a small board on his lap with three bottle caps and a little ball. Put the ball under one the caps, move them around, tell him where the ball is, win some money. Looks pretty easy. There's a guy playing who's winning mad amounts of money from the guy. There's also another guy near one of the doors who's interested, but not playing. He's the lookout. The guy winning money and showing you how easy it is to take this guy's money is also in on it. I took out my phone, but didn't know who to call. Is this a 911? A 311? There's no number posted on the train on who to call. There's that button you push in case of an emergency, but I didn't want to broadcast my intentions to the three rather large dudes.

A guy next to me looked at me and shrugged. We chatted a bit. It's been years since either of us had seen The Shell Game being run. We were keeping on eye on things. No one was buying it. One guy took out his wallet and checked his funds and then put it away. The guy with the bottle caps moved through the emergency door between the trains to find some willing patsies. At the next stop, the "winning guy" and "lookout" exited out of separate doors as if it was their stop.

A peek through the connecting doors showed me that the lookout was now winning and the winner was now hanging back.

So, why isn't the CTA cracking down on this sort of thing? Why don't they post signs or phone numbers telling us how to report on these activities? Then it hit me. Of course! These guys work for the CTA. They split their take. It's the CTA's new plan to bring in more income to support their executives who are making 100k a year while pissing and moaning about not having any money to make the trains run on time or to keep them clean. Want to support the CTA and keep fare prices down? Start buying those rap gospel CDs and guess where the little ball is.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Last week during a frantic day of trading at the Chicago Board of Trade, CNBC reporter Rick Santelli found what on the floor?"

36% said "discarded tiny bottles of liquor"
- Nope. These guys are walking around with booze IV drips in their arms.

10% said "several nicotine gum wrappers"
- Nope. These guys just chew cigarettes.

9% said "an empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol"
- Next to an empty bottle of rum and a party hat. Hey, don't knock it til you try it.

45% said "a toupee"

According to CNBC, CNBC reporter Rick Santelli found a toupee on the floor of the Chicago Board of Trade during one of the most eye-popping days of trading in history. As stock prices plummeted and volatility soared, Santelli said that people were losing not only their shirts, but also their hair.

Adding insult to injury for the owner of the apparently denuded head, Erin Burnett adds, "Wow, it has a bad part-line, too."

This story saddens me. Traders are losing their hair. What's next, discarded penal implants? Torn out dental veneers? This is why we need bail outs. Or more people selling homemade rap gospel CDs.