Just So You Know...

It's been seven months since you broke off the engagement.
Six months since you broke off the relationship.
Five months since you moved out without leaving a forwarding address.
You didn't respond to my e-mail, so...

Just so you know...

- I'm doing fine. You seemed to think me incapable of surviving on my own even though I've been doing just that most my whole adult life. I have my own one bedroom apartment. It's nice. How's your studio?

- Things I may never forgive you for: lying to yourself and me about things you didn't like about me/us early on in our relationship, making me move three times in three years, putting me in the position of selling an engagement ring, taking the garlic press.

- I hope you miss me on those mornings you oversleep, when your car needs warming up, when you come home from work and are too tired to cook, and when you watch Doctor Who.

- I would like to think Pushing Daisies was canceled because you broke up with me. Pushing Daisies doesn't like you anymore.

- You were jealous. Getting attention and traveling are a natural by-product of what I do and it ate you up inside.

- I like the music you added to my iTunes.

- You hated my friends. They were always "my" friends. You never wanted "our" friends.

- You're right, I hate cleaning. If I have a choice between cleaning the floors and chilling out, chilling out wins. I bought a mop when I moved in and haven't used it yet.

- The cats seem happier without you around.

- I hope you find the man you are looking for. The one who works only nine-to-five and makes a ton of money on a weekly basis and keeps all his evenings and weekends free to be with you. He either doesn't exist or is really boring.

- In my mind, the straw that broke the camel's back for you was when I wouldn't allow you to keep live crabs in a bag in the pantry. I still find the thought horrifying and it would have driven the cats crazy anyway.

- Things you didn't like about me that you knew going in: my schedule is sporadic, my income fluctuates, I'm in theater.
-

Holy Name Cathedral

At the corner of State and Chicago downtown is the 150 year-old Holy Name Cathedral. Built after the Great Chicago fire, which I guess explains why they went with big bronze doors, it is a stunning monument to Catholicism.

Now, I certainly have my opinions about religion and I'm not going to knock the Catholics. Not right now, any way. The issue I have, of course, is the name. Holy Name? I would like to have sit in on that brainstorming session.

"We need to come up with something reverent, but catchy."

"Right, right. It's got to have a holy name."

"That's it!"

"What's it?"

"We'll call it Holy Name Cathedral. Brilliant! Gets right to the point. No messing around."

"Shouldn't it actually be a holy name?"

"No, no, no, no. This way, people can provide their own. In their imagination. We won't alienate anybody. We'll put those protestants out of business once and for all."

(sigh) "I'll start on the logo."

"Keep it simple."

How hard would it have been to come up with something other than Holy Name? It's like if my parents went "Hey, it's a boy. What shall we call him? Probably a boy's name. Hey, I know... Boy Name Janes. Perfect!"

Speaking of names, I wasn't feeling well yesterday, so I crawled under several blankets and one or two cats and watched several episodes of Farscape. Great show. I've seen it off and on over the years, but this is the first time I've watched season one in order. Comcast has it on their Fancast, their version of Hulu. I now know that I will have found the perfect woman if I ask her what would we name our kids and she says, "Aeren if it's a girl, D'Argo if its a boy." And if she's also bald and blue.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Historians are outraged because Wal-Mart wants to build a Supercenter right next to what?"

24% said "Martin Luther King's birthplace"
- Um, no.

23% said "Mount Rushmore"
- You mean there's not one already?

15% said "the Donner Party encampment"
- Think of the promotional tie-ins? Starving? Don't eat your neighbor, Cheetos are on sale!

38% got it right with "a Civil War battle site"

According to My Way News, Wal-Mart wants to build a Supercenter within a cannon shot of where Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant first fought, a proposal that has preservationists rallying to protect the key Civil War site. A who's who of historians including filmmaker Ken Burns and Pulitzer Prize winner David McCullough sent a letter last month to H. Lee Scott, president and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., urging the company to build somewhere farther from the Wilderness Battlefield.

"The Wilderness is an indelible part of our history, its very ground hallowed by the American blood spilled there, and it cannot be moved," said the letter from 253 scholars and others.

Local leaders want the $500,000 in tax revenue they estimate the big box store will generate for rural Orange County, a gradually growing area about 60 miles southwest of Washington.

Okay, two things. One, I would like them to allow Wal-Mart to build ON the site. And to allow Civil War re-enactments in the store using Wal-Mart employees (who, of course, will do it for free or lose their jobs). Second, the local leaders need to pull their heads out of their asses and watch The High Cost of Low Price. Wal-Mart, like casinos, gives the illusion of bringing in lots more in jobs and revenue, but ends up doing more harm than good.

Shoe Carnival?

I hate to start the post-holidays "back to work" bloggery with such an angry tirade, but I can't help it. There is outrage afoot and something must be done.

Add to my list of places that need to be sued for false advertising Shoe Carnival.

Yes, indeed, there are plenty of shoes at the Shoe Carnival. Much like a shoe store. This strip mall staple is, however, not a carnival.

Shoes are lifelessly displayed or stored in boxes without air holes. They are not having fun. No one is having fun at the Shoe Carnival.

In order for Shoe Carnival to avoid wrath of my lawsuit, they need to at least do the following...

- Sell shoes dipped in caramel or heavily battered and fried or both
- Feature a geek who eats live shoes
- Add games of skill, such as a dunk tank where patrons can try to knock an obnoxious pair of Crocs into a big tub of water
- Rides would be nice. Tilt-A-Timberland?

I would also like to see them go more the Mardi Gras carnival route and start featuring drunken revelry, nudity and cheap plastic beads. I would be more than willing to flash my masculine boobs in order to receive service at the checkout counter. It would at least be in the spirit of a carnival.

I have sent an angry letter to Shoe Carnival about this and my lawyers and I are anxiously awaiting their response.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Back in '08, I asked...

"Last weekend, the Coastland Center Mall in Naples, Florida reported the theft of what?"

18% said "50 bottles of horny goat weed from GNC"
- Couldn't they come up with a better name? I can't go after them , though, because I think it does make you into a horny goat. I'll get the BS-RD department on that.

10% said "a dozen wine bottle hanging wax potpourri warmers from Yankee Candle"
- They exist and you need one, NOW!

9% said "137 fiber optic lights from Spencers Gifts"
- Do you have 137 fiver optic lights in your pants or are you just happy to be standing next to that black velvet poster of a naked lady with a tiger?

63% got it right with "250 thongs from Victoria's Secret"

According to The Naples Daily News, someone stole 250 pairs of thongs, valued at just under $2,000, from the Victoria’s Secret at Coastland Center mall, the Naples police department reported. An employee noticed that four drawers of PINK brand XS thong panties had been emptied of their contents. The theft likely occurred between Friday at 5 p.m. and Saturday at 1:30 p.m., the report states. No suspects were seen.

I suspect this is a Robin Hood kind of scenario. Someone is stealing from the rich to give thongs to the poor. I applaud them. Or perhaps it was a Shoe Carnival employee hoping to spice up the carnival level at their neighboring outlet.

Happy New Year

Out with the old...




In with the new(er).



Out with the old...



In with the new.



Out with the old...



In with the new.



I am most upset by this last one. ABC has canned Pushing Daisies and is replacing it on Wednesdays with The Unusuals, a police procedural dramady. This from their official press release...

In The Unusuals, it helps if a cop has a twisted sense of humor, because every moment could be your last. Just ask Casey Shraeger (Amber Tamblyn, The Sisterhood of the Travelin Pants), who started her day as an NYPD vice detective before unexpectedly being transferred to the homicide division. She quickly realizes that, not only does everyone in her new department have a distinct sense of humor, but also their own dirty little secrets.

I'll give it the benefit of a doubt, though. It's a decent cast and press releases seldom make anything sound cool. I'm just going to miss Emerson Cod's deft language wrasslin' as when he was accused of giving someone the heave-ho and he laments "no ho was heaved."



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Al Zale, a fishery researcher at Montana State University says one way to rid Yellowstone of unwanted lake trout is to use what?"

25% said "dynomite"
- The method preferred by Jimmie "JJ" Walker.

No one said "stray cats" or the sensible and time-tested trout removal system "fishing poles"

75% got it right with "Jell-O"

According to The Associated Press, a researcher at Montana State University said Jell-O, ultrasound, microwaves and electroshocking are among the possible solutions to eliminate lake trout in Yellowstone National Park.

Lake trout were introduced illegally into the park and threaten native cutthroat trout in Yellowstone Lake. To find the best way to destroy lake trout eggs, Al Zale received a grant from the National Park Service. Zale heads the Montana Cooperative Fishery Research Unit at MSU.

If Jell-O is chosen, Zale says it would probably be unflavored. He says workers could spread it over the fish eggs to smother them.

Unflavored? If you want to get rid of anyone or anything, serve them lime Jell-O with shredded carrots. Fire the scientists, hire some lunch ladies.

What I Won't Miss

As December comes to an end, it's time to say good-bye to 2008.

There are many things I will NOT miss and are more than happy to leave them behind.

In no particular order, I will not miss...

1) The Bush Administration (I know, still stuck with them for the first 20 days, but at least they are on their way out the door). I will especially not miss Dick "The Dick" Cheney, Condoleeza "Sycophant" Rice, Dana "Paid to Lie" Perino and George "I Give Myself Nicknames" W. Bush.

2) The nasty depths Hilary went to to try to defeat Obama and then the even nastier depths McCain and Palin plumbed. (But I am also very happy their tired tactics didn't work.)

3) Seeing "Made in China" on everything. It is the high fructose corn syrup of manufacturing. Unfortunately, it's not going away any time soon, but I predict it will diminish as the new administration works to fix the economy. US manufacturing will increase and consumers will also seek out more local resources to give their money to.

4) People claiming climate change (Global Warming) doesn't exist. This winter will have wild mood swings of zero degree weather one day and temps in the 50s and 60s the next. The more this happens, the more people clam up about it not existing.

5) People whose 15 minutes of fame are up. Looking at you Joe the Plumber.

6) The SUV as we know it. Time to get small.

7) The possibility of a pre-emptive war with Iran.

8) The Minnesota recount - assuming it will be over before the end of 2009.

9) The lack of common sense when it comes to sex education in schools. Levi's baby's momma, Bristol, should be a living testament to the failure of teaching current trends, such as abstinence.

10) Shoppers brawling and trampling one another.

11) People passing off fake memoirs as the truth. I don't mind you fooling Oprah, I just find it absurd that people feel they need to lie to make their lives more interesting (i.e., marketable).

12) Jennifer Aniston only getting press when she slams Angelina. However, she is more than welcome to continue posing for pictures only wearing a neck tie. Although, I would like to see her move to bow ties.

13) O% interest credit card and loan pitches.

14) End of year lists.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Republican National Committee Chair candidate Chip Saltsman is in hot water for distributing a CD featuring which song parody?"

18% said "Baa-Baa Black President"
- Have you any pull?

16% said "Obama Cracked Corn"
- And I don't care. Crack all the corn you want.

No one went for "John Jacob Jingle Hussein Schmidt"
- Hey, that's my name, too!

66% got it right with "Barack the Magic Negro"

According to The Huffington Post, the Republican National Committee is set to host a historic series of discussions and debates in early January that will likely affect not just the future platform of the party, but the makeup and racial dynamics of its members.

The forums come at a time when the GOP is undergoing an intense bout of political soul-searching, made even more urgent by revelations that a leading RNC chair candidate distributed a racially insensitive CD as a Holiday gift.

Reaction to Chip Saltsman's distribution of a CD including the song "Barack the Magic Negro" has been mixed. James Richardson, a former RNC staffer, called it "political suicide." Current RNC chair Mike Duncan said he was "shocked and appalled." But Ken Blackwell, the African-American former Ohio Attorney General and another candidate for the chairmanship, dismissed criticism as "hypersensitivity in the press."

Do a little searching and you can find the song on-line. Here's the first verse...

Barack the Magic Negro lives in D.C.

The L.A. Times, they called him that

'Cause he's not authentic like me.

Yeah, the guy from the L.A. paper

Said he makes guilty whites feel good

They'll vote for him, and not for me

'Cause he's not from the hood.

Here's what you need to know, it's done from the point-of-view of Al Sharpton who, in the song, is upset that Obama is winning with white voters. As a comic premise, it's not a bad one. I think it would have been stronger with Jesse Jackson, especially in the wake of his comment about wanting to take Obama to the vet's to be fixed. The song also doesn't do much to explore or heighten the issue, mainly because it is saddled with being a strick song parody. And the chorus is the only thing mildly funny about the song and that ain't enough to sustain it.

If a student brought this in to one of my classes, this would be my feedback. Good premise, ditch the parody and write an original song, build a context around it. What just happened that makes Al want to sing about Barack. How does it change him? Does he secretly wish white people liked him better? By the end of the song, does he want to be more like Obama and trade in his sweat suits or does he want to double his efforts to be more Al?

Unless the song was rewritten, I wouldn't consider its inclusion in a show. And I certainly wouldn't distribute it to the Republican National Committee when I want to be their chairperson. Please leave comedy in the hands of professionals.

What I Don't Want in 2009

I don't do New Year resolutions. I suck at them. I think they are a set up for certain failure. By February, when you realize you haven't lost 50 pounds or saved up enough for a vacation or written that novel, the resolutions become a source of angst and guilt. By March, they are filed in the trash can with slim hopes of doing better next year.

I do think that the end of the year is a good time to pause, look back and look ahead. Envisioning what the new year could be is a good idea. It's like a sports team at the end of a quarter connecting with the coach and plotting their next quarter's strategy.

And I suck at that, too.

The only thing I am very clear about for 2009 is what I DON'T want.

Here's the list, so far, in no particular order...

1) My married friends need to stop splitting up. It's getting ridiculous. Those who have already split up, fine, go about your business. The rest of you, suck it up and work it out.

2) People need to stop getting cancer. Whatever you need to do to make sure this happens, please do it. More antioxidants, meditation, stop smoking, eat more broccoli... do it!

3) Stop laying people off. I know, I know, if a company's bleeding, what else can they do? This is a big one without an easy answer. There's a lot to be said about anticipating. The disastrous turn of the economy wasn't a surprise. Even I could see it coming from a mile away and I'm an idiot when it comes to money. Our country has a financial culture based on being in debt and hoping for the best. That needs to change on a personal level and on a corporate level. Let's make Chris Parnell Secretary of the Treasury.




4) People really need to stop giving their money to the International Star Registry. For fifty bucks minimum, they'll name a star and give you a certificate and a letter congratulating you on giving them fifty bucks. Here's the thing... THEY DON'T OWN THE STARS. They are not theirs to name. NASA isn't updating their charts based on additions to the International Star Registry. The Hubble telescope isn't in deep space snapping pictures of the Phil Jablonski. Kirk isn't going to tell Sulu to make a left at the Marjorie Hummelsburg. The Bible won't be re-written to show the three wise men followed the Dennis Mitchell.

5) I don't want Britney Spears to have another comeback. She's done. Go away, now.

6) I don't want my breath to smell like my dad's. Love my dad, but I remember sometimes as a kid he would playfully get in my face and his breath would smell like polished antique furniture. This is why I almost always in arm's reach of a mint.

7) I don't want people getting sick or dying in this country because of inadequate health care. This is where the US really needs to get on the ball and become more compassionate than capitalist.

If I were to sum up what I do want for 2009, Kurt Vonnegut said it best.

"Be nice to each other. We’re all trying the best we can."

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last week, I asked...

"What does Joe really want for Christmas?"

50% said "A new TV"
- It's on the list, but not as high as the correct answer. I have a TV, but the sockets in the back are messed up and I'm unable to hook up a DVD player or Playstation. Inconvenient, but not a big loss.

12% said "A new girlfriend"
- Not opposed, but really feels the correct answer is more urgent and will be helpful in the acquisition of a new girlfriend.

No one thought I might like "Peace on earth"

38% got it right with "A new couch"

According to a press release from BS International Headquarters, Joe desperately needs a new couch. In fact, he simply needs a couch. Right now, the "designated couch area" is occupied by a ratan chair and an ottoman. Mr. Janes seeks the perfect couch. It has to be small enough to fit through his skinny apartment door, yet be large enough for naps and sleeping vagabonds. It should also be large enough for two people to cuddle comfortably without crushing one another or limbs becoming numb. It should definitely not be leather or faux leather or so plush that cat hair becomes embedded in it.

Janes has been looking on-line, but has an aversion to buying furniture for his body based on pictures. The search continues.

Merry Christmas or Whatever

Regardless of what you celebrate or if you celebrate - My Christmas Day celebration will consist of visiting my mother, eating at a Chinese buffet in Sandusky, Ohio and seeing Quantum of Solace (we re-watched Casino Royale last night to prepare) - hope this time of year finds you in touch with the people and things that you love the most in life.


Like guns!




See that cold, steely look in my eye? The set jaw? The stain on the floor? That's me shooting a magnum at the Oak Harbor Conservation Club. Not sure what they are out to conserve given that the building and outdoors seems primarily devoted to putting bullet-sized holes in things.





Not bad. I hit the paper less than 10% of the time. Take that, bad guys. Don't mess with me or I will blow a small portion of you away.

Yeah. Don't look for me hanging out at the local gun swaps anytime soon.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Uriel Oliva of Los Angeles was arrested in Orange County after a photo was discovered of him doing what?"

No one said "flashing his bling-bling at cops," "flashing his private parts at nuns," or "flashing his camera at celebrities"

100% got it right with "flashing gang signs on Santa"

(Unfortunately, I was having problems with blogger and what git cut off from the end of the right answer is "-'s lap." Make more sense now?)

According to KTLA News, an alleged gang member has landed himself in jail for flashing gang signs in a photo he took while sitting on Santa's lap.

Uriel Oliva, 18, was arrested early last week after a visit with Santa at the Village Mall in Orange.

Police say that Oliva was under a court order not to associate with members of his street gang, engage in gang activity or hang out at the Village Mall when the photo was taken Dec. 16.

The picture included Oliva and two other members of the Orange County Criminals gang. Oliva's probation officer apparently spotted the photo on a keychain during a probation check.

He has been sentenced to a lump of coal in his stocking.