365 Sketches

Well, I'm going to do it. Starting tonight.

It's such a huge undertaking, that I spent a lot of time talking to people about it. That's rather rare for me. Typically, I'll get a bug up my ass about something and just do it.

So, thank you everyone who endured me soliciting your opinion - Andrew, Fig, Mr. Hall, my Tuesday night goals group, my Writing 2 class. Especially everyone who commented on Friday's post - my brother Don, Chris Othis, MJ, Old Ned, Jill, Mr. B, Henri, Rob Beisenbach, Erica Reid, Greg Wendling and Alibear. I especially appreciated the folks playing devil's advocate. I'm not the kind of person to do something because people tell me not to. I try to consider all angles before committing. Everyone on both sides affirmed things I was thinking and made me think about a few things I wasn't.

At the end of the day, the discourse led me to the conclusion that for me to do this, I have to do it for myself. And so I am. As an artist, I love to paint myself into corners. I find I do some of my best work that way. This corner happens to be in a very large room with all the doors and windows on the other end of the room. (Actually, it's more like I'm painting the floor of some huge ballroom and I'm starting in a corner with a very small brush and a gallon can of paint that's only half full. I've got a year to paint my way to the to the door.) In taking this on, I hope to tap in to a flow of material that leads me to writing about things I have never written about in a style I have never written in. And I hope it to be entertaining and stage worthy, too.

THE PARAMETERS

1) I will post the first draft of one comedy sketch a night before going to bed. A sketch is anything you might see in a sketch revue, so that includes scenes, blackouts, songs and the occasional odd "bit."

2) Six nights a week will be original material generated specifically for this project. On Sundays, I will post a written piece that has never been produced on stage. Although, I suspect I'll eventually run out of those and will have to start writing original material for that, too.

3) I will also include my thoughts on the piece, how it was developed and internal and external updates on the project itself. This is the teacher in me. I want this to be a beneficial experience for other writers.

4) All material is copyrighted by me and may not be used in any form or media without express written permission by me or the baseball commission.

5) Feedback on material in the comment section is invited and encouraged.

6) These are to be considered first drafts. Works in progress. I am free to rewrite any or all material.

So, there you go. I think I covered all my bases. If you think of anything I should probably include or be clearer about, let me know.

This is a huge departure from Bite and Smile and I know some dedicated folks just aren't going to be interested in reading a sketch a day. Thanks for tuning in, BS will return, in its full form, 365 days from now.


MOUSTACHE-A-THON




Hey! You can donate to my and my soon-to-be moustache Zed's campaign for world domination. Actually, the money goes to 826, a non-profit educational organization, more subtly bent on conquering the civilized world. Click HERE to donate - seriously, any amount is welcome - and scroll down and look for my pretty face and then click on the PayPal link. If you want to make a contribution, but not through PayPal, shoot 826 an e-mail at info@826chi.org. They'll work something out with you.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Skolu Isieskojimo Biuras, a debt collecting bureau in Lithuania, is now going after delinquent creditors using what?"

81% said "Facebook"
- It's the answer to all our life's problems, isn't it? Except here.

10% said "bogus lotteries"
- Those gag scratch off tickets will finally be useful!

No one said "debt-sniffing dogs"

Only 9% got it right with "witchcraft"

According to The Associated Press, a Lithuanian debt collector is offering an unconventional service to retrieve arrears: witchcraft.

The Vilnius-based firm has hired Vilija Lobaciuviene, the Baltic nation's most famous self-styled witch, to hunt down companies and individuals who are failing to pay their debts amid the credit crunch.

"There are certain people, who are using this crisis situation and refuse to pay back banks or other companies," said Amantas Celkonas, director of the Skolu Isieskojimo Biuras, or debt collecting bureau.

"Our new employee will help them to understand the situation, reconsider what is right and wrong and act accordingly," he said.

So, if I get this right, what they're saying is that if someone isn't paying off their bills, a witch is going to cast a spell on them? Not so sure this is a good way to go. I have enough trouble paying down debts as a human. I can't imagine trying to find work as a frog. "No, seriously, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a temp worker who can do data entry."

Last Day of Sketchfest

Last night, I saw GayCo, Pangea 3000 and Kerpatty.

While not a full blown critique, here are some of my thoughts.

GAYCO - Talented bunch, under rehearsed. GayCo is smart and funny. Their show last night took the form of an anti-gay marriage rally. It's difficult to sustain an entire show like that and they struggled with it. They probably would have benefited with cutting away to scenes and having the rally thread through the show. As it was, it hit a wall about twenty minutes in and took awhile to recover. Too many scenes didn't have an out and relied on a character flipping out and being dragged off. And for GayCo, there wasn't a lot of subtlety. There are some wonderful laugh out loud moments. A bit where two ex-gay men who are now just two hetero roomies was a blast. They demonstrated how they go out to bars and pick up women with one of them being a flamboyantly dressed and literal wing man. The show needs some editing and polish, but was the best written show of the evening.

PANGEA 3000 - Very funny, poorly written. This is a case of four guys getting by on their charisma and chemistry together. And I'm not knocking that, it works very well. All the scenes, with the exception of The Brain Bustin' Beat Boys, which was a very funny educational rap, would just read horribly on paper. If a student brought them in to one of my classes, we'd have words. But these guys make it work because it's tailored to them and they take it seriously while having fun. And they take risks, which is fun to see. The greater part of one scene was built around a guy eating a sandwich. Not bits, just chewing on a sandwich. A very funny radio parody played during transitions, but it did tend to go on too long, as did the transitions.

KERPATTY - The most entertaining of the three. These guys are ridiculous. They opened with a lip synch of "I Kissed A Girl" filmed on the streets of Chicago. A simple idea, committed to and done well. They also followed that with the best scene of the night. A simple two-person relationship scene between two guys holding their wives shopping bags at a store. The bulk of their show is comprised of bits. Very funny physical, visual schtick. Like Pandea 3000, it works because its those two guys who are doing it.

PICKS FOR TODAY, THE LAST DAY OF SKETCHFEST

2:30PM

Tough Call, looks like at least one strong show in each double bill.

UNRELATED - North Theater - Aaron and Jacob Caponingro, father and tween-year-old son doing a sketch revue. I like Aaron's work and this is an interesting relationship for developing a comedy show. They're on the same bill as We Have An Uncle Dick, one of the best names for a group ever.

EXTRA RIB - South Theater - The estrogen will be flowing in the South Theater. This is an all female gang chock full of funny actors and writers. Very promising. Hot Mess, a female duo, opens, and is likely to have some awesome music.

THE FOREST & THE PUERBAUGH SISTERS - West Theater - More estrogen in smaller doses. Cate Freedman is in one of these two groups and I've always liked her quirky work as an improviser and comic actor.

4PM

HORSE - North Theater - David Devries and Anthony Ellison wrote and head up this revue. These guys wrote a chunk of their material via Robot vs Dinosaur when we did drop-in sessions. Funny? Depends on your tastes. Weird, interesting, something for you to talk about and think about for the next few days? Definitely. They're on the same bill as Off Off Campus, UC long running improv group.

5:30pm

PLANET TERRANCE - North Theater - These guys all work at Second City and spill their frustrations of tending bar while throngs of people laugh at other comedians in the next room into their show. Very talented group of writers and performers. On the same bill as Rub-A-Dub-Dub.

7:00PM

AEMILIA AND ED'S ONE MAN SHOW - South Theater - Looks like they're going for a throwback to the early days of Nichols and May with a show done in the style of comedy typically performed at cabarets and jazz clubs in 1961. Should be tres cool. On the same bill as Team Jamaica.

Saturday at Sketchfest

Here are some picks for tonight...

6PM

SIBLINGS OF DOCTORS - North Theater - featuring Second City instructor and cool cat, Ranjit Souri and two other co-Indians. With Ranjit involved, there's a good chance this will be smart, funny and slightly askew.

7PM

GAYCO - North Theater - Chicago's first and perhaps only gay themed comedy group. AND they're funny. Even to straight people. Humorously funny, not queer funny.

8PM

CUPID PLAYERS - North Theater

APPROXIMATELY THREE PETERS - South Theater

BRAVE NEW WORKSHOP - West Theater

Toss a coin. All good. But if you haven't seen The Cupid Players' all musical revue of original songs, then do that.

9PM

PANGEA 3000 - North Theater

THE IMPONDERABLES - South Theater

PARTY CENTRAL USA - West Theater

I haven't seen any of these, but I would probably go see Pangea 3000, because they're supposed to all be writers for The Onion, and I'm a fan.

10PM

KERPATTY - South Theater

LAST CALL CLEVELAND - West Theater

Kerpatty's number one on my list followed by Last Call Cleveland.

11PM

STIR-FRIDAY NIGHT - South Theater

Asian-oriented, this Chicago group has been around about as long as GayCo, maybe longer. Their shows tend to be hit-or-miss, but if this is a "best of," it should rock.

So, Let Me Ask You, Too...

The past week in a half I have been talking to quite a few people about taking on a project that would greatly affect my life and this blog over the next year. So, it's only natural that I ask you to weigh in.

You may have heard of Suzan-Lori Parks and her "365 Days/365 Plays," performed by theater companies around the country in 2006-2007 and written in 2002-2003.

Well, the plan is to blatantly steal her idea and apply it to sketch comedy. I would write 365 sketches in one year starting Monday. The game plan, that is not at all set in stone, is that they would be produced next year, somehow, in a collaboration between Sketchfest and Chicago Improv Festival. But, like I said, that part is not set in stone. Still in early talks. There's no commitment or obligation on anyone's part. Regardless, I would try to find a vehicle for getting the sketches produced preferably by multiple comedy groups from around the world. The attraction of CIF and Sketchfest, is that it would all happen in some concentrated burst right here in Chicago.

But the question that bugs me, as it did with Suzan-Lori Parks, is "Why?" It's kind of a David Blaine stunt for a comedy writer. I don't care that you crapped out a play a day while hopping on one foot. What I care about, as an audience member, is being engaged and entertained. With 365 comedy sketches, they ain't all going to be gems. My hope, at the very least, is that they are all interesting.

There is certainly a challenge to me as a writer to produce so much material. I would need to tap into some deep creative rivers that I don't even know I have. That part interests me. I also worry that at the end of the year, I never want to write a comedy sketch ever again. I doubt that would happen, though. I love it too much.

It would affect this blog because that's pretty much all I would be writing for a year. And I would use this space to post a new scene every night to document the project. So, I do like the transparency of the project, too. You'd be on the journey with me, should you continue to check in during the year.

So, please let me know what you think. I have been teetering on the edge for over a week now and I need someone to either push me hard on the back or grab me by the belt.


FRIDAY SKETCHFEST PICKS

(I am performing with the Improvised Shakespeare Company at iO at 8pm, so, really, that's the show you should be seeing!)

8PM

COOL TABLE - North Theater

APPROXIMATELY THREE PETERS - South Theater

BRAVE NEW WORKSHOP - West Theater

I think you have a safe bet on any of the three options. Cool Table's been around about four years in Chicago and has some good folks involved. Approximately Three Peters is from Toronto where they are doing quite well. Brave New Workshop is from Minneapolis and has been around since 1958. They are that part of the country's answer to Second City. I would be likely to check out the Peters or BNW just because they're not from around these parts.

9PM

PANGEA 3000 - North Theater

THE IMPONDERABLES - South Theater

PARTY CENTRAL, USA - West Theater

I haven't seen any of these. I would lean towards Pangea 3000 because they claim to be comprised of writers and contributors to The Onion. The Imponderables is another Canadian import that looks to be on the same level at Three Peters. Party Central is from New York and would be my last resort only because their bio says "There will, however, be no references to poop, farts, robots or Hitler." In other words, they wouldn't want me to do 365 sketches because, baby, it's all going to be gaseous Robot Hitler scenes.

10PM

MERE FLUFF - South Theater

LAST CALL CLEVELAND - West Theater

Ruby Lake is in the north theater and I have absolutely no opinion on them. Mere Fluff features two very talented comedians. Last Call Cleveland has been around awhile and has done strong work. They would be my first option.

11PM

BRI-KO - South Theater

Not at all familiar with the other two shows. The show to see i n my book is Bri-Ko. Simple, silent, funny.

The ticket info for Sketchfest, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A Sri-Lankan company has come up with a new way to make treeless paper out of what?"

No one, NO ONE, said "rubber," "limestone," or "coconuts"

100% got it right with "elephant poop"
- why else would I ask if it wasn't "elephant poop"?

According to Treehugger.com, there’s a new line of eco-paper available, and for once, the term’s not an oxymoron. It’s from the Sri-Lankan based company Mr. Ellie Pooh, and yes, the paper really is made out of elephant poop. Why Harvest Elephant Poop for Paper in Sri Lanka? To save elephants, of course. It turns out that a tenth of the mere 40,000 Asian elephants worldwide live in Sri Lanka, where they’re killed due to their interference with agriculture. There’s no major ivory trade, and Sri Lankans don’t eat elephant meat, so the sole factor that elephants are being exterminated is because they’re a nuisance. If you think the whole idea of paper-from-elephant-poop seems to be a desperate effort—think again. An adult elephant creates 500 pounds of dung a day, making it a very reliable, very renewable resource.

And I can't think of anything better on which to write 365 sketches.



I wonder if they're hiring.

Moustache-A-Thon!

(Me and the soon-to-be mustache, Zed)

The beard is gone...for now.

It will return and will be the hairy thrown clay from which my spinning pottery wheel face will create...a moustache!

Don't panic. It's for a good cause. I am participating in 826's Moustache-A-Thon. A facial hair growing event designed to raise money for the non-profit writing/tutoring center for which I also volunteer.

It began yesterday, thus the RedEye to prove I was coming out of the starting gate clean shaven. I have until February 18th to grow an amazing moustache. My goal...The Zed!





My mustache shall be named Zed, after Sean Connery’s character in the great bad film Zardoz. Zed is a savage warrior who threatens the status quo of the distant future - as the movie tag lines say, beyond 1984, even 2001!

Each Zed whisker of mine shall be a tentacle of brute genius hellbent on vigilante justice. Zed shall single-lippedly hurl all other competitors into the Vortex of loserdom! At the end of Mustache-a-thon, all who remain shall kneel down before Zed!

Soon I will be able to link to a site where you may show your love and devotion to Zed through monetary gifts that will benefit 826.

* Sean Connery’s character also sports a ponytail, which I will not be attempting in fear of the excess neck and back strain the extra weight might cause.


SKETCHFEST PICKS FOR TONIGHT

8PM

PENNYBEAR - West Theater - Crazy off-center comedy featuring the awesome Nancy Friedrich. On the same bill as Broadminded, an all-fem gang from Milwaukee

9:30PM

ROBOT VS DINOSAUR - South Theater - Of course you should see this! This is the "hit single" version of our Are You There God? It's Me, Satan show. Great cast, funny scenes. On the same bill as Think Tank

THE FOWLER FAMILY RADIO HOUR and LOLA BALATRO - North Theater - If you can't get in to see RvD, or you already saw the hell show, check out these guys. Fowler has been around for years and has generated good buzz. Lola features Paul Thomas from The Breeders video I did. He is a funny, prolific guy. There will probably be a lot of great comedy music in both shows, too, if you're in to that sort of thing.

For ticket info, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An authorized sequel to the 1928 book 'The House at Pooh Corner" will be published soon and it is titled what?"

16% said "Much Ado Pooh"
- Featuring that melancholy dane, Piglet.

9% said "Son of Pooh"
- Where Pooh's offspring terrorizes New York City.

No one said "House Full of Pooh"

75% got it right with "Return to the Hundred Acre Wood"

According to BBC News, the Bear of Very Little Brain will make his comeback in Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, the first authorised sequel to Milne's original 1920s stories. "We hope that the many millions of Pooh enthusiasts and readers around the world will embrace and cherish these new stories as if they had just emerged from the pen of A A Milne himself," said Michael Brown of the Trustees of the Pooh Properties.

Yeah. Be careful with the phrase "pooh enthusiasts." Let's just say you don't want to Google it without the safesearch filter on.

I Believe...

...Rod Blagojevich is being controlled by a parasitic alien being that has latched on to his brain in the form of his hair. Here's a picture of a post-apocalyptic Blagojevich...



...Blagojevich is the new Britney Spears. Yes, impeach his ass, but there's more important things to focus on such as the economy and war criminals telling everyone they're leaving Washington with their heads held high, which is good news for the snipers.

...if you live in Chicago and bitch about the weather, you're an idiot. That's like someone in Hawaii bitching about the warmth. Throw fashion out the window, dress in layers, leave early, stock up on hot chocolate and cherish the times you get to hole up in a cozy warm apartment.

...that when Don Hall writes "I Believes" like "...that the dual nature of reason balancing faith is both perilous and absolutely essential to the human experience. Without reason, we are bound to accept the authority of demagogues and zealots; without faith we cannot find the hope that things can be better than they are.", he's clearly reading too many books and needs to go back to playing with his PSP (pretty small penis).

...it's easy for me to take a shot at Don because he writes his "I Believes" first and then I cut and paste them here and do my spin on them. If he didn't, I'd still be in bed playing with my PSP (pretty spectacular penis).

...I really don't give a rat's ass about what Sarah Palin has to say about anything. Move on, "news" reporters.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men are more likely to have financial success if they what?"

46% said "are born rich"
- Well, it does help you become a republican president in the United States.

39% said "have big feet"
- This is just an indicator their mother was a duck.

No one said "have beards"

15% got it right with "have long ring fingers"

According to The Associated Press, researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men with longer ring fingers, compared to their index fingers, tended to be more successful in the frantic high-frequency trading in the London financial district.

The same ring-to-index finger ratio has previously been associated with success in competitive sports such as soccer and basketball, the researchers noted.

Previous studies have found that having an extended ring finger can lead to increased confidence, risk preferences, search persistence, heightened vigilance and quickened reaction times.

So, ladies, stop checking out my geisha-like feet when we meet and start looking at my gangly ring finger as I sort the bills in my velcro wallet!

I'm So Old...

My friend Mo Feeney sent me an e-mail about her and her friends trying to describe how old they are. I know Mo
from high school, which means she, like me, is in her 40s. Unlike me, she doesn't look like it and
has absolutely no gray in her beard.

Her examples included:

- I'm so old, I remember when Colonel Sanders was actually in the KFC commercials.

- I'm so old, there was no soccer when I was growing up.

You can probably add to the first one, "I remember when Orville Redenbacher wasn't a creepy CGI." The second one
is probably more uniquely American and may depend on where you grew up.

I sense a new wave of humor similar to "Your Momma" jokes.

Here are my additions:

I'm so old, I remember...

...when phones had busy signals instead of being used to signal others you are busy.

...when the starship Enterprise only had a five year mission.

...when Batman wasn't scary, except when Frank Gorshin was playing The Riddler. Dude was a psycho.

...when I played board games on boards and needed other people to play them.

...when both Rock Hudson and Freddie Mercury were considered macho
heterosexuals.

...when Rod Stewart knew how to rock.

...when there were only five TV channels: ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS and some UHF channel that only came in when
your dad went up on the roof and moved the antenna. And I was the remote control!

...when the Burger King was the Burger Prince (cue rimshot)

...when Grimace was evil

...when phones were only as mobile as the length of their cord, when Caller ID seemed invasive, and answering
machines the size of city phonebooks used cassette tapes and beepers that made weird noises into the
phone to retrieve messages remotely, and I thought that was cool.

...using phonebooks.

...when e-mail was just mail and going to the mailbox was exciting.

...when going green was called ecology.

...public hair. What the hell happened to public hair? I blame the thong.

...when the Iraq war was called Vietnam.

...when radio deejays determined the music, not demographics or corporations.

By the way, the best thing you can do about getting older, is have a sense of humor about it. Besides, you're
only as old as you feel. I feel like a twenty-year-old. Preferably, a brunette.

If you have any "I'm so old..."s, please add them in the comment section. I'd love to see them.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Palm Beach County Sheriff's office is on the lookout for a man attempting
to steal ATMs while dressed as what?"

54% said "Mickey Mouse"
- Tough times. The mouse has got many mouths to feed.

10% said "a zombie"
- Brains...brains...I have no brains...

No one said "a cowboy"

36% got it right with "a ninja"

According to The Associated Press, the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office says a heavyset man with a visible potbelly
and a ninja costume unsuccessfully tried to steal two different ATMs over the past two weeks. Security video from the
automated teller machines showed the unidentified man dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that showed
only his eyes.

Authorities did not say how the man tried to steal the machines.

Well, he was dressed as a ninja. He tried to steal the machines by sneaking up on them when they least expected it.
What the sheriff didn't comment on was how cumbersome the turtle shell on his back was.