It's my birthday and it's a busy day. I have classes all day and then OLD! opens tonight at Donny's Skybox at 7:30pm. I think this show is worth seeing, if only for the musical numbers. The folk singing suburban housewives who call themselves Fem Shui rock the house. Afterwards, will pop over to Corcoran's for food and drink. Come join us, if you can. I'll write more about the 24 Hour Play Festival tomorrow. It went very, very well.
satire, social commentary, sketch comedy, writing, stuff
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
24, Sans Jack Bauer
THE FOLLOWING TOOK PLACE BETWEEN 6:30PM AND 7:30PM
Last night at 6:30pm, I started in Columbia's The 24 Hour New Plays Festival. Stephanie Shaw, who did a great job directing Urinetown for the Columbia mainstage this year, organizes this event. She will also be directing one of the pieces, stepping in for an ill director.
Here's how the whole thing works: There are six playwrights, six directors and 18 actors. The six directors were chosen by Stephanie a month or two ago. It's an even split of faculty members and student directing majors. Actors wishing to participate "wooed" the directors, mostly by hounding them or baking them cookies. Stephanie also sent out an invitation to faculty to see if anyone would like to participate. I offered up my services as a crackerjack writer and was immediately asked to be an actor. An acting slot is actually more challenging. As an actor, it's your ass on stage in the heat of the moment. You're at the mercy of the playwright and director and scene partners. There's a big roll of the dice in hoping that everything works out.
This is my first time doing this, so last night was all new to me. I've never been much of a fan of the "let's see what I can pull out of my butt" type of events. I'm all about nurturing and process. I never quite saw the point of taking years of experience and smashing them into limited number of hours and resources and, more than likely, putting up a piece of crap. I was never sure who it was for and why would anyone other than friends and people who enjoy watching NASCAR crashes want to see it? I felt this way until a few years ago when I was asked to direct an Octa-Sketch show for Sketchfest. The deal there, is that you were randomly teamed with five improvisers and had eight hours to put together a thirty minute sketch comedy revue. It was a blast. When you have such a short period of time, there's not a lot of room for mulling things over or exploring multiple options. There's a lot of making bold choices and working really hard to make them successful. It was very liberating to work that way and I enjoyed the show we put together. The whole experience was exhilarating. I've been looking to do something similar since then, so when the opportunity to do this came up, I jumped on it.
So, last night we all gathered in a room. I knew all the teachers in the mix and a few of the students. First, the playwright's pulled names of directors out of a bucket. Then the directors pulled the names of three actors out of a bucket. Totally random. My director is Scott Olson, another part-timer, like me. Our playwright is Sam Park and my fellow actors are Jess Elfring and Pat Babbitt. Scott's great. I've seen a few of his student productions at Columbia and we always seem to find ourselves in the teachers lounge around the same time. He's an enthusiastic guy who's not afraid to tell it like it is. Sam and Pat are new to me, although Pat and I know a lot of the same people through improv (he does a Friday midnight show at iO) and we share the same birth date - Cinco de Mayo (write it down). I have seen Jess perform in an Improvisation 2 class. She has a nice deadpan delivery.
We got into our groups and Brea, the stage manager, facilitated us through a "get to know you" process, mainly for the playwright's benefit. Each of the actors had to answer a specific question and spend five minutes answering it. I went first and my task was to complete the phrase "When I get caught doing something wrong, I..."
Well, when I get caught doing something wrong, I become a little kid busted. It's like an envelope of shame rises up around me. I'm embarrassed. Especially if I see absolutely no hope in convincingly lying my way out it. Everyone kept asking me for examples, and I didn't have any recent ones. Not that I don't do anything wrong, I just don't get caught. I had to reach back to what I called "The Big Stinky" when I got caught embezzling money in college. I'll save the details for another article in the future. Suffice it to say, it was a huge setback for me, emotionally and financially, and took me about five years to work it out and move on. No jail time, in case you were wondering.
Then we were asked to just tell the playwright our strengths, what we love to do on stage and what's the one thing that scares us the most - for me, it's singing. I am not a natural. I have to be spoon fed melodies. What really strikes fear in my heart is improvisational singing. I've done it. I'll do it. But I suck at it and would much rather prefer you didn't pimp me into singing. Of course, that's like having a sunburn and hoping no one pats you on the back. Your fear is a magnet for what you don't want. Consequently, I have bit large wheels of cheese singing on Chicago's finest improv stages.
Sam was asked to pick a prop from a table to use in our piece. He chose a small trophy of a man holding a star with "Best Director" written on the base in magic marker. Turns out it belonged to Scott. So, some nice kismet going on there.
Then we called it a night. Sam was up all night working on a script for us that we'll see this morning. He e-mailed it out to everyone at 1:30am. Unfortunately, he sent it in a Final Draft format, which I'm unable to open. Argh! I want to read it so bad! It was entitled Justice. I wonder if it has anything to do with embezzlement. We reconvene at 9am when we will be given hard copies of the script and work all day getting ready for tonight. If you're interested, it's at 8pm at the Classic Studio in the Columbia Theater Building on 11th Street between Michigan and Wabash. It's free, no reservations accepted, and, apparently, it's very popular. Get there early to get a seat.
And if you're doing the math, you're right. We started at 6:30pm last night and won't finish until roughly 10pm tonight. But The 27 and a Half Hour New Plays Festival doesn't have the same ring to it. So, not quite like 24. Hopefully, it won't have any bombs, either.
Last night at 6:30pm, I started in Columbia's The 24 Hour New Plays Festival. Stephanie Shaw, who did a great job directing Urinetown for the Columbia mainstage this year, organizes this event. She will also be directing one of the pieces, stepping in for an ill director.
Here's how the whole thing works: There are six playwrights, six directors and 18 actors. The six directors were chosen by Stephanie a month or two ago. It's an even split of faculty members and student directing majors. Actors wishing to participate "wooed" the directors, mostly by hounding them or baking them cookies. Stephanie also sent out an invitation to faculty to see if anyone would like to participate. I offered up my services as a crackerjack writer and was immediately asked to be an actor. An acting slot is actually more challenging. As an actor, it's your ass on stage in the heat of the moment. You're at the mercy of the playwright and director and scene partners. There's a big roll of the dice in hoping that everything works out.
This is my first time doing this, so last night was all new to me. I've never been much of a fan of the "let's see what I can pull out of my butt" type of events. I'm all about nurturing and process. I never quite saw the point of taking years of experience and smashing them into limited number of hours and resources and, more than likely, putting up a piece of crap. I was never sure who it was for and why would anyone other than friends and people who enjoy watching NASCAR crashes want to see it? I felt this way until a few years ago when I was asked to direct an Octa-Sketch show for Sketchfest. The deal there, is that you were randomly teamed with five improvisers and had eight hours to put together a thirty minute sketch comedy revue. It was a blast. When you have such a short period of time, there's not a lot of room for mulling things over or exploring multiple options. There's a lot of making bold choices and working really hard to make them successful. It was very liberating to work that way and I enjoyed the show we put together. The whole experience was exhilarating. I've been looking to do something similar since then, so when the opportunity to do this came up, I jumped on it.
So, last night we all gathered in a room. I knew all the teachers in the mix and a few of the students. First, the playwright's pulled names of directors out of a bucket. Then the directors pulled the names of three actors out of a bucket. Totally random. My director is Scott Olson, another part-timer, like me. Our playwright is Sam Park and my fellow actors are Jess Elfring and Pat Babbitt. Scott's great. I've seen a few of his student productions at Columbia and we always seem to find ourselves in the teachers lounge around the same time. He's an enthusiastic guy who's not afraid to tell it like it is. Sam and Pat are new to me, although Pat and I know a lot of the same people through improv (he does a Friday midnight show at iO) and we share the same birth date - Cinco de Mayo (write it down). I have seen Jess perform in an Improvisation 2 class. She has a nice deadpan delivery.
We got into our groups and Brea, the stage manager, facilitated us through a "get to know you" process, mainly for the playwright's benefit. Each of the actors had to answer a specific question and spend five minutes answering it. I went first and my task was to complete the phrase "When I get caught doing something wrong, I..."
Well, when I get caught doing something wrong, I become a little kid busted. It's like an envelope of shame rises up around me. I'm embarrassed. Especially if I see absolutely no hope in convincingly lying my way out it. Everyone kept asking me for examples, and I didn't have any recent ones. Not that I don't do anything wrong, I just don't get caught. I had to reach back to what I called "The Big Stinky" when I got caught embezzling money in college. I'll save the details for another article in the future. Suffice it to say, it was a huge setback for me, emotionally and financially, and took me about five years to work it out and move on. No jail time, in case you were wondering.
Then we were asked to just tell the playwright our strengths, what we love to do on stage and what's the one thing that scares us the most - for me, it's singing. I am not a natural. I have to be spoon fed melodies. What really strikes fear in my heart is improvisational singing. I've done it. I'll do it. But I suck at it and would much rather prefer you didn't pimp me into singing. Of course, that's like having a sunburn and hoping no one pats you on the back. Your fear is a magnet for what you don't want. Consequently, I have bit large wheels of cheese singing on Chicago's finest improv stages.
Sam was asked to pick a prop from a table to use in our piece. He chose a small trophy of a man holding a star with "Best Director" written on the base in magic marker. Turns out it belonged to Scott. So, some nice kismet going on there.
Then we called it a night. Sam was up all night working on a script for us that we'll see this morning. He e-mailed it out to everyone at 1:30am. Unfortunately, he sent it in a Final Draft format, which I'm unable to open. Argh! I want to read it so bad! It was entitled Justice. I wonder if it has anything to do with embezzlement. We reconvene at 9am when we will be given hard copies of the script and work all day getting ready for tonight. If you're interested, it's at 8pm at the Classic Studio in the Columbia Theater Building on 11th Street between Michigan and Wabash. It's free, no reservations accepted, and, apparently, it's very popular. Get there early to get a seat.
And if you're doing the math, you're right. We started at 6:30pm last night and won't finish until roughly 10pm tonight. But The 27 and a Half Hour New Plays Festival doesn't have the same ring to it. So, not quite like 24. Hopefully, it won't have any bombs, either.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Must Be Present To Win
Columbia College has a very strict attendance policy in the theater department. If you miss three classes, you fail the course. Period. That's a very clear policy. Not all classes at Columbia follow this. If it's a lecture-oriented course, you only need to make sure you do all the quizes, exams and assigned paper work and show up on test days. In most theater classes, roughly 80% of your grade comes from participation. If there's one major component of participation, it's that you have to be in the same room as the rest of the class to do it. You have to show up.
I've had a very challenging, and very rewarding, Improvisation I class this semester. There's sixteen students and all of them have demonstrated a degree of talent for the craft that's exciting for me as a teacher to encourage and to see grow. It pains me when students I like do dumb things, like miss more than three classes. Improvisation I is a little like gym class. It's hard to fail. The only way to fail, really, is to not show up.
If a student misses four classes, I'll give them a chance to erase an absence by writing a review of an improv show. I find that when a student sees what more experienced improvisers are doing in Chicago, it informs their skills and I usually see a tiny leap forward in their work. If someone misses five classes, they're pushing it and I begin to feel taken advantage of. I resent being put in that position. I don't want to flunk a student. Especially if it's someone I like. It feels like my failure. But as another teacher reminded me today, it doesn't serve them to do them any favors. If they're messing up now on the simple task of showing up to class, then how are they going to be in the professional world? But even at five absences, I can be had, and I'll allow you to do two reviews.
Today, a student missed her sixth class. I was really looking forward to seeing her work. She's struggled a bit in class. She has trouble with committing to the reality of the scene and being in support of her scene partner. Last week, I saw her have a small breakthrough in her work. She heightened a scene and set it on track. She did this with the tiniest utterance of "I'm not getting back together with you." Up until then, the relationships in the scene were undefined. That sentence made a click sound in everyone's head - on stage and in the audience - everything previous to that moment suddenly made sense and the scene really began to soar. I was anxious to see if she'd be able to build on what happened last week. But she wasn't in class today. So, I have to fail her.
She didn't show up. Bummer.
I've had a very challenging, and very rewarding, Improvisation I class this semester. There's sixteen students and all of them have demonstrated a degree of talent for the craft that's exciting for me as a teacher to encourage and to see grow. It pains me when students I like do dumb things, like miss more than three classes. Improvisation I is a little like gym class. It's hard to fail. The only way to fail, really, is to not show up.
If a student misses four classes, I'll give them a chance to erase an absence by writing a review of an improv show. I find that when a student sees what more experienced improvisers are doing in Chicago, it informs their skills and I usually see a tiny leap forward in their work. If someone misses five classes, they're pushing it and I begin to feel taken advantage of. I resent being put in that position. I don't want to flunk a student. Especially if it's someone I like. It feels like my failure. But as another teacher reminded me today, it doesn't serve them to do them any favors. If they're messing up now on the simple task of showing up to class, then how are they going to be in the professional world? But even at five absences, I can be had, and I'll allow you to do two reviews.
Today, a student missed her sixth class. I was really looking forward to seeing her work. She's struggled a bit in class. She has trouble with committing to the reality of the scene and being in support of her scene partner. Last week, I saw her have a small breakthrough in her work. She heightened a scene and set it on track. She did this with the tiniest utterance of "I'm not getting back together with you." Up until then, the relationships in the scene were undefined. That sentence made a click sound in everyone's head - on stage and in the audience - everything previous to that moment suddenly made sense and the scene really began to soar. I was anxious to see if she'd be able to build on what happened last week. But she wasn't in class today. So, I have to fail her.
She didn't show up. Bummer.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Gidget
So, I've been wrestling about whether or not to do reviews on my blog. Since my main focus is Chicago theater, it makes sense for me to comment on shows I see. As an artist, one learns from seeing other productions and studying their strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, I'm uncomfortable with saying bad things about people in a public forum. At the same time, I want to be honest. Instead of thinking of this as a review, think of this more as you stopped me on the street and asked me what I thought of the show I just saw. So, it's your fault.
Gidget
by Frederick Kohner
adapted by Terry Mccabe and Marissa McKown
Directed by Marissa McKown
City Lit Theater
Before Gidget became a series of Sandra Dee movies and a popular television series starring a pre-Flying Nun Sally Field, it was a novel. Yes, a novel. A book that has been compared to Catcher in the Rye as being a female counterpart, but instead of dealing with breaking the necks of birds, we're dealing with breaking the hearts of teenage girls. The novel was written by Frederick Kohner about his daughter Kathy's summer adventures in the mid-1950's. It is the seed that spawned a surfing craze and a series of beach party movies and gave The Beach Boys a context for their career. Before the book Gidget (a nickname smashing of "Girl" and "Midget") no baby girls had ever been given the name "Gidget." The book made a big splash.
I have never read the book. Never even heard of it before this production. This was also my first time going to City Lit's space. It's a great space tucked in the corner of the second floor of a church/school in Edgewater. It has a nice, old feel to it. It is also lacking in air-conditioning, which makes it a little stuffy when the stage lights are cooking.
City Lit's production of Gidget spelled out to me by way of example the difference between a "literary adaptation" and "based on a novel." There's virtually no original dialogue. All the words are from the text of the book, which is why the author is given a playwright's credit. This is the book on stage. A book written in the first person. This means Gidget, played wonderfully by Sabrina Kramnich, is on stage every minute of the two-act play and even narrates a few "he said's", "she said's" during scenes. This gets very tiresome. The play works best when showing us surfing and swimming and when scenes are more dialogue-based and focused on the authentic reactions of a fifteen-year-old Gidget falling in love with a nineteen-year-old Moondoggie. It reminded me of a time when summers truly felt endless and being away from someone you loved for a week seemed like an eternity. The first act goes on a good fifteen minutes too long and is what keeps me from whole-heartedly recommending the show. It could use some trim around the middle. At about the 40 minute mark, you can start hearing the butts shifting in the seats. The play doesn't kick in until the uneasy courtship between the two leads. The second act works best. It's more active and it's easy to invest in Gidget's quest to win Moondoggie's heart and be seen as more than just a kid.
The set is beautiful, evoking a seascape along the beach. The acting is very strong. Sabrina has reams and reams of monologues to get through. She does her best, but could benefit from editing and a script that shows us more than tell us. The ensemble takes on multiple roles in support of Sabrina. Carrie Hardin shows quite a range and is very effective as Gidget's friend Larue and as Gidget's immigrant Mom. The beach bums that hang out with The Great Kahoona (perfect pitch performance by the chiseled Eric Hoffman) are a lot of fun, but, really, if you have little man boobies or are whiter than the hot sun, you might want to put on a tank top. Hard to believe these guys spend every waking moment out on the beach.
The language of the day is a lot of fun and interesting to see it was as much a staple of teendom then as it is today. Language creates identity.
So, is it worth seeing? Honestly, I'm on the fence about it. I hated the first act, loved the second act. It made me want to read the book, which might be the best way to experience Gidget.
Gidget
by Frederick Kohner
adapted by Terry Mccabe and Marissa McKown
Directed by Marissa McKown
City Lit Theater
Before Gidget became a series of Sandra Dee movies and a popular television series starring a pre-Flying Nun Sally Field, it was a novel. Yes, a novel. A book that has been compared to Catcher in the Rye as being a female counterpart, but instead of dealing with breaking the necks of birds, we're dealing with breaking the hearts of teenage girls. The novel was written by Frederick Kohner about his daughter Kathy's summer adventures in the mid-1950's. It is the seed that spawned a surfing craze and a series of beach party movies and gave The Beach Boys a context for their career. Before the book Gidget (a nickname smashing of "Girl" and "Midget") no baby girls had ever been given the name "Gidget." The book made a big splash.
I have never read the book. Never even heard of it before this production. This was also my first time going to City Lit's space. It's a great space tucked in the corner of the second floor of a church/school in Edgewater. It has a nice, old feel to it. It is also lacking in air-conditioning, which makes it a little stuffy when the stage lights are cooking.
City Lit's production of Gidget spelled out to me by way of example the difference between a "literary adaptation" and "based on a novel." There's virtually no original dialogue. All the words are from the text of the book, which is why the author is given a playwright's credit. This is the book on stage. A book written in the first person. This means Gidget, played wonderfully by Sabrina Kramnich, is on stage every minute of the two-act play and even narrates a few "he said's", "she said's" during scenes. This gets very tiresome. The play works best when showing us surfing and swimming and when scenes are more dialogue-based and focused on the authentic reactions of a fifteen-year-old Gidget falling in love with a nineteen-year-old Moondoggie. It reminded me of a time when summers truly felt endless and being away from someone you loved for a week seemed like an eternity. The first act goes on a good fifteen minutes too long and is what keeps me from whole-heartedly recommending the show. It could use some trim around the middle. At about the 40 minute mark, you can start hearing the butts shifting in the seats. The play doesn't kick in until the uneasy courtship between the two leads. The second act works best. It's more active and it's easy to invest in Gidget's quest to win Moondoggie's heart and be seen as more than just a kid.
The set is beautiful, evoking a seascape along the beach. The acting is very strong. Sabrina has reams and reams of monologues to get through. She does her best, but could benefit from editing and a script that shows us more than tell us. The ensemble takes on multiple roles in support of Sabrina. Carrie Hardin shows quite a range and is very effective as Gidget's friend Larue and as Gidget's immigrant Mom. The beach bums that hang out with The Great Kahoona (perfect pitch performance by the chiseled Eric Hoffman) are a lot of fun, but, really, if you have little man boobies or are whiter than the hot sun, you might want to put on a tank top. Hard to believe these guys spend every waking moment out on the beach.
The language of the day is a lot of fun and interesting to see it was as much a staple of teendom then as it is today. Language creates identity.
So, is it worth seeing? Honestly, I'm on the fence about it. I hated the first act, loved the second act. It made me want to read the book, which might be the best way to experience Gidget.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Robot vs Dinosaur
There's a new theatre company in New York that I'm thrilled to be associated with. They are called Robot vs. Dinosaur. I love the name. It conjures up fond memories of Saturday afternoons watching monster movies on television. The excitement I had as a kid watching Godzilla rip it up in Tokyo is the kind of excitement I want to recreate in theater. As their rep in Chi-town, I'm starting a writer's group modeled after their NY writer's group. Here's the official announcement...
ROBOT VS DINOSAUR ROBOWRITERS IS COMING!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: JOE JANES
e-mail: RvDChicago@comcast.net
web: www.robotvsdinosaur.com
www.uptownwritersspace.com
Robot vs. Dinosaur - Chicago is forming a writer’s group called RoboWriters that will meet weekly on Thursday evenings from 6pm – 8pm at the Uptown Writer’s Space, 4802 North Broadway (near the Lawrence Redline stop), suite 200, starting May 10, 2007. Writers may drop in any time between 6pm and 8pm, but are encouraged to be there the whole time. The first ten writers are guaranteed a reading of their work and feedback. Space is limited to fifteen. There is a $5 fee.
RoboWriters provides an UNSAFE environment for writers to get constructive, honest feedback. It’s sort of a class and sort of an on-going workshop. The primary focus of RoboWriters is comedy writing for the stage, such as sketches, ten-minute plays, or scenes from longer works. Writers are also given the option of receiving an assignment to inspire and challenge them and to accomplish specific writing objectives.
Very simply, we are looking for writers who intend to improve their writing. That is ALL. The goals of this writing group are: 1) To create a forum for writers to receive constructive criticism. 2) To encourage the maintenance of a regular, hopefully rigorous writing schedule. All participants are expected to meet with new goals for each session. All participants are expected to bring enough copies of their work (one copy per character, plus one). All participants are expected to participate in the readings.
RoboWriters-Chicago is conducted by Joe Janes, a playwright, a professor at Columbia College in the theater department and a writing instructor for The Second City Training Center. He is a co-founder of The WNEP Theatre Foundation, an Emmy winner, and has been a contributing writer for SNL’s Weekend Update and Jellyvision’s You Don’t Know Jack.
Robot vs Dinosaur is a New York-based theater company that created the RoboWriters writing group format. The goal of Robot vs. Dinosaur is to bring an ancient art form (theater) into the modern age. We want our posters to hang in college kids’ dorm rooms 50 years after RENT has failed in Branson, MO.
ROBOT VS DINOSAUR ROBOWRITERS IS COMING!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: JOE JANES
e-mail: RvDChicago@comcast.net
web: www.robotvsdinosaur.com
www.uptownwritersspace.com
Robot vs. Dinosaur - Chicago is forming a writer’s group called RoboWriters that will meet weekly on Thursday evenings from 6pm – 8pm at the Uptown Writer’s Space, 4802 North Broadway (near the Lawrence Redline stop), suite 200, starting May 10, 2007. Writers may drop in any time between 6pm and 8pm, but are encouraged to be there the whole time. The first ten writers are guaranteed a reading of their work and feedback. Space is limited to fifteen. There is a $5 fee.
RoboWriters provides an UNSAFE environment for writers to get constructive, honest feedback. It’s sort of a class and sort of an on-going workshop. The primary focus of RoboWriters is comedy writing for the stage, such as sketches, ten-minute plays, or scenes from longer works. Writers are also given the option of receiving an assignment to inspire and challenge them and to accomplish specific writing objectives.
Very simply, we are looking for writers who intend to improve their writing. That is ALL. The goals of this writing group are: 1) To create a forum for writers to receive constructive criticism. 2) To encourage the maintenance of a regular, hopefully rigorous writing schedule. All participants are expected to meet with new goals for each session. All participants are expected to bring enough copies of their work (one copy per character, plus one). All participants are expected to participate in the readings.
RoboWriters-Chicago is conducted by Joe Janes, a playwright, a professor at Columbia College in the theater department and a writing instructor for The Second City Training Center. He is a co-founder of The WNEP Theatre Foundation, an Emmy winner, and has been a contributing writer for SNL’s Weekend Update and Jellyvision’s You Don’t Know Jack.
Robot vs Dinosaur is a New York-based theater company that created the RoboWriters writing group format. The goal of Robot vs. Dinosaur is to bring an ancient art form (theater) into the modern age. We want our posters to hang in college kids’ dorm rooms 50 years after RENT has failed in Branson, MO.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Buff My Helmet
Okay, I ride a bike and I wear a helmet. I don't consider myself a bike geek - sorry, no genitalia-in-relief bike shorts - but I do follow the rules of the road.
If you ride a bike in Chicago and you don't wear a helmet, stop reading. I can't help you. It takes a special kind of stupid to look at the traffic and the concrete and the comparatively extreme softness of your own brain container and think, "Nah - I'll take my chances." There is nothing I can say that will change your mind. Gravity, inertia and your face inserted into gravel will be the only persuader.
If you do wear a helmet, then, please, read on. There's hope for you. You're smarter than the average bike-riding bear (they don't wear helmets, either). But that doesn't leave you off the hook. I hope nobody finds themselves in any of the following categories, but, if you do, please consider this "friendly" advice.
- If you wear your helmet like it's a jaunty chapeau or on the back of your skull like an industrial-strength yarmulke, you're an idiot. You're thwarting the purpose of the helmet by trying to wear it in a way that looks cool. Bike helmets are not designed to look cool. They are designed to keep your egg from crackin'. Wear it properly. Flat on the top of your head and only a room for a finger or two between the strap and your neck. It should be snug, but not constricting.
- If you have your helmet attached to your handle bars or your backpack while riding, what the hell are you thinking? Are you telling the world, "I'm smart, but not THAT smart!" Are you going to try to whip it on your head as you're flipping over your handle bars? You have it, you bought it, now wear it.
- If you wear a helmet, leave the iPod at home or in your backpack. Don't plug your ears with music while riding. You're less likely to hear approaching cars, but you also won't hear other bikers coming up behind you. Bad enough we have to deal with the swaying roller-bladers and their iPods, we don't need the likes of you swerving your two-wheeler into us. To ride a bike safely in the city, you have to be hyper-aware of your surroundings. You can't do that while jamming to your Sweet Summer Jams featuring Foghat mix.
- If you wear a helmet, and your jamming Au natural to the environment, be considerate.
For example...
- Don't buzz other bikers or pedestrians. As you approach another biker that you are about to pass, let them know you are there. A simple, friendly "On your left" is enough. Unless you're on the right, then, you know... And that's another thing, as on a multi-lane highway in your car, favor the right so others can pass your more easily.
- Slow down at crosswalks and be ready to stop. It's okay to stop your bike. Really, it is. It seems some bikers feel they have defeated the purpose of riding their bike if they actually stop and put a foot or two to the ground. A bike has brakes for a reason. Don't roll into the intersection. Cars don't want to hit you, but they will if they have to. Especially be careful and considerate at crosswalks along the Lakeshore path, sometimes cars get backed up. It's okay to stop and let them through. Not all them. Just a few. Don't want them to get the wrong idea.
- If you're riding on the streets, follow the flow of traffic and honor stop signs and traffic lights. Being on a bike doesn't entitle you to ignore them. It's actually the law, but, really, it's just the smart thing to do.
- If you're over thirteen, stop riding your bike on the sidewalk. You're scaring people. Unless it's part of your paper route, get off and walk your bike or get back on the road.
- If you're riding with a friend, be careful about riding in pairs. Especially along the Lakeshore path, you're taking up a lot of space. And if it's busy, that means another biker has to move into the on-coming lane to pass you. I know you're probably having a very nice conversation, but better to ride single file.
- If you're riding at night, have a front and tail light. This is for the benefit of cars, pedestrians and other bike riders. It's amazing how invisible someone on their bike can be at night. And there's no engine to give you away. So, I recommend proper lighting and saying "Vroom-Vroom" a lot.
- Pace yourself according to how fast everyone else is moving. This is especially true along the lake. If it's crowded and things are slow, slow down. Better to be careful than cause an eight-stroller pile-up. I know his is counter to getting a good workout. If that's why you're riding, ride during less populated times, like late at night, early morning, mid-morning or mid-afternoon of a weekday. Better to slow down during peak times than to continue your workout at a physical rehab center.
The City of Chicago is very pro-bicycle and we should take every advantage of it. Unfortunately, with the influx of bikers comes an influx of unsafe bikers. Don't be one of them. Be kind. Be safe.
Check out the City of Chicago's website, www.chicagobikes.org. Great place for information on routes and safety. And definitely check out my friends at www.biketraffic.org, a great organization to get involved in and to support. They sponsor several really cool bike tours during the summer.
If you ride a bike in Chicago and you don't wear a helmet, stop reading. I can't help you. It takes a special kind of stupid to look at the traffic and the concrete and the comparatively extreme softness of your own brain container and think, "Nah - I'll take my chances." There is nothing I can say that will change your mind. Gravity, inertia and your face inserted into gravel will be the only persuader.
If you do wear a helmet, then, please, read on. There's hope for you. You're smarter than the average bike-riding bear (they don't wear helmets, either). But that doesn't leave you off the hook. I hope nobody finds themselves in any of the following categories, but, if you do, please consider this "friendly" advice.
- If you wear your helmet like it's a jaunty chapeau or on the back of your skull like an industrial-strength yarmulke, you're an idiot. You're thwarting the purpose of the helmet by trying to wear it in a way that looks cool. Bike helmets are not designed to look cool. They are designed to keep your egg from crackin'. Wear it properly. Flat on the top of your head and only a room for a finger or two between the strap and your neck. It should be snug, but not constricting.
- If you have your helmet attached to your handle bars or your backpack while riding, what the hell are you thinking? Are you telling the world, "I'm smart, but not THAT smart!" Are you going to try to whip it on your head as you're flipping over your handle bars? You have it, you bought it, now wear it.
- If you wear a helmet, leave the iPod at home or in your backpack. Don't plug your ears with music while riding. You're less likely to hear approaching cars, but you also won't hear other bikers coming up behind you. Bad enough we have to deal with the swaying roller-bladers and their iPods, we don't need the likes of you swerving your two-wheeler into us. To ride a bike safely in the city, you have to be hyper-aware of your surroundings. You can't do that while jamming to your Sweet Summer Jams featuring Foghat mix.
- If you wear a helmet, and your jamming Au natural to the environment, be considerate.
For example...
- Don't buzz other bikers or pedestrians. As you approach another biker that you are about to pass, let them know you are there. A simple, friendly "On your left" is enough. Unless you're on the right, then, you know... And that's another thing, as on a multi-lane highway in your car, favor the right so others can pass your more easily.
- Slow down at crosswalks and be ready to stop. It's okay to stop your bike. Really, it is. It seems some bikers feel they have defeated the purpose of riding their bike if they actually stop and put a foot or two to the ground. A bike has brakes for a reason. Don't roll into the intersection. Cars don't want to hit you, but they will if they have to. Especially be careful and considerate at crosswalks along the Lakeshore path, sometimes cars get backed up. It's okay to stop and let them through. Not all them. Just a few. Don't want them to get the wrong idea.
- If you're riding on the streets, follow the flow of traffic and honor stop signs and traffic lights. Being on a bike doesn't entitle you to ignore them. It's actually the law, but, really, it's just the smart thing to do.
- If you're over thirteen, stop riding your bike on the sidewalk. You're scaring people. Unless it's part of your paper route, get off and walk your bike or get back on the road.
- If you're riding with a friend, be careful about riding in pairs. Especially along the Lakeshore path, you're taking up a lot of space. And if it's busy, that means another biker has to move into the on-coming lane to pass you. I know you're probably having a very nice conversation, but better to ride single file.
- If you're riding at night, have a front and tail light. This is for the benefit of cars, pedestrians and other bike riders. It's amazing how invisible someone on their bike can be at night. And there's no engine to give you away. So, I recommend proper lighting and saying "Vroom-Vroom" a lot.
- Pace yourself according to how fast everyone else is moving. This is especially true along the lake. If it's crowded and things are slow, slow down. Better to be careful than cause an eight-stroller pile-up. I know his is counter to getting a good workout. If that's why you're riding, ride during less populated times, like late at night, early morning, mid-morning or mid-afternoon of a weekday. Better to slow down during peak times than to continue your workout at a physical rehab center.
The City of Chicago is very pro-bicycle and we should take every advantage of it. Unfortunately, with the influx of bikers comes an influx of unsafe bikers. Don't be one of them. Be kind. Be safe.
Check out the City of Chicago's website, www.chicagobikes.org. Great place for information on routes and safety. And definitely check out my friends at www.biketraffic.org, a great organization to get involved in and to support. They sponsor several really cool bike tours during the summer.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
The Semi-Hard Truth About Viagra
So, I teach part-time at Columbia College. There are very few benefits except for built-in raises and tuition remission. I can take classes for free - only having to pay for books and fees. The only stipulation is that I can only take as many classes as I taught the previous semester. I taught two classes in the fall, so this spring I am taking two classes - Contemporary European Nationalism and Ethnic Conflict and The Biology of Human Sexuality. The biology class is interesting, but not nearly as interesting as I expected. Our teacher, Arthur, is a nice guy, good-hearted, but scattered and likes to talk.... a lot. If he ever gave an exam on his family and philosophy, I would ace it. You never quite know what to study for with exams and I get the sense he doesn't quite know because he hasn't put the exam together yet and is making it up as he goes. It hasn't been a waste of time, though. Not at all. There's a lot of interaction and I have learned a few things about my junk that I didn't know. My prostate creates semen which is the transport system for sperm and not the sperm itself. And I got to see how female parts are all mapped out. Man, there's a lot going on there!
One of the major assignments in biology is to do a presentation. Arthur told us yesterday that it would count as our final exam. Again, this is an example of him changing things at the last minute, but as far as a grade goes, it worked in my favor. Arthur encouraged us to do our presentation in whatever medium we felt the most comfortable. Most students do Power Point. Me interacting with Power Point is like the monkey in 2001. So, I decided to write a sketch. It was risky. I didn't know if my brand of comedy was going to go over well in a Saturday afternoon biology class. Most everyone in it is either a film or theater major, so I had a good shot. I got four actors from my Comedy Workshop class and an actor from one of my Writing 5 shows to help me out. I paid them in donuts. I gave them their scripts at noon and we performed the sketch as a staged reading at 1pm. They kicked butt. We got a great response and I'm pretty sure I got an "A." It's funny, in high school and college, I did not care about grades. Not at all. I think because I'm a teacher and the classes are free, I'm a little more obsessed with doing well. And, it's like a do over. I had fun in college and high school and learned a lot, but wish I had thrown myself more into getting good grades.
The piece is called "The Semi-Hard Truth About Viagra: An After Work Special." It's educational and chock full of dick jokes. There is a flaw in the piece. It's written as a staged reading. The generic stage directions become a narrator's voice halfway through. I knew I would be reading the stage directions and flipped it into narrator mode to wrap up the story more quickly. Plus, I wanted in on the fun. If I were to rewrite it for the stage or video, I would simply add a narrator.
(I will post my written work here from time-to-time. If I ever post anything anyone is interested in using, just ask me about it in the comment section.)
Here it is....
THE SEMI-HARD TRUTH ABOUT VIAGRA: AN AFTER WORK SPECIAL
Written by Joe Janes
CAST:
Gerald, 40’s – Gabe Trulson
Bob, 50’s – Jon Cohen
Dr. Grebnak, 40’s – Spike Maguire
Hugh Hefner, 80’s – Tony Torres
Tina, 40’s – Kate Lambert
DJ – Spike Maguire
Old Widow Kravitz – Kate Lambert
Mr. Kravitz – Jon Cohen
Mitzi – Tony Torres
(Lights up on Gerald sitting at his desk in his office. He is looking through file folders and checking his watch. Bob pokes his head in the door.)
BOB
Hey, Stud. Working late?
GERALD
Um, yeah. Bob. I am. How about you?
BOB
Nope. On my way home to bang my wife.
GERALD
Really?
BOB
Sure. Probably more than once, too. Unless there’s something good on television.
GERALD
But, how?
BOB
Gee, Gerald, isn’t that territory your dad should have covered with you?
GERALD
No, I mean. You’re over 50. I’m over 40 and I’m sitting here trying to find work to do so I don’t have to go home and face the fact that… face the fact…
BOB
That Mr. Stiffy ain’t so stiff anymore?
GERALD
Well…
BOB
The ol’ cock don’t crow like it used to?
GERALD
Something like that-
BOB
That your penis has that not-so-hard feeling?
GERALD
That’s it, exactly. Bob, what’s wrong with me? My wife is attractive.
BOB
Your wife is hot. Hot-hot-hot.
GERALD
Then what is it?
BOB
You’re not 18 anymore, Gerald. That little pig between your legs doesn’t snuff for truffles like it used to. According to the book, Maximize Your Vitality & Potency for Men Over 40 by Jonathan V. Wright, M.D. and Lane Lenard, Ph.D., as a man ages, the man will have less interest in sex, he will have sex less frequently and sex is less enjoyable for a male experiencing lower testosterone symptoms. Sexual frequency averages 3-4 times a week for the typical man in his twenties, declines to once a week or so in his fifties and to 1-2 times a month in his late seventies.
GERALD
One to two times a month. I’d like to get up to that level.
BOB
Along with low sex drive, impotence increases with age and the related lower testosterone levels. Nearly 10% of males over 50 and 40% of males over 70 have impotence problems. The only thing wrong with you is that you’re older
GERALD
I’ve seen that happen to other guys. I never thought it would happen to me. But, wait, you’re older than me. Do you really still do it with your wife?
BOB
And how. I often dip my pen in her inkwell. Although, the ink ain’t as wet as it used to be. But that’s a different presentation.
GERALD
How do you do it? What’s your secret?
BOB
I get a little help.
GERALD
You mean, like an intern?
BOB
No, no. I get help from science. I take Viagra.
GERALD
Viagra? I heard Viagra was for losers.
BOB
Do I seem like a loser to you?
GERALD
I guess not.
BOB
Besides, all the cool executives take Viagra.
GERALD
But aren’t there harmful side effects?
BOB
Um, yeah, if you call having an erection for over four hours harmful.
GERALD
Four hours?
BOB
It can happen. But the only thing its harmful to is other people. Almost poked a guy’s eye out at Starbucks once.
GERALD
Gee, do you have any on you?
BOB
Sorry, Pal. Keep them at home. Here’s my doctor’s card. Just swing by. You don’t need an appointment.
GERALD
Really?
BOB
Yeah. He works out of his car.
GERALD
Thanks, Bob. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.
BOB
You won’t have to. I’ll just look for the grin on your face in the morning. Good night, Stud.
(Bob exits as Gerald looks at business card. Lights fade. Lights up on Dr. Grebnak refusing to give an older man in his 80’s wearing silk pajamas, a robe and thick eye glasses, more Viagra.)
HUGH
Please, doctor. Please. It’s not for me, it’s for my five girlfriends.
DR. GREBNAK
Your girlfriends left you long ago, Hef. Get up. Stop humping my tires. Have some dignity.
HUGH
I can’t help it. Doc. I need more Viagra. It’s the only thing that will straighten me out.
DR. GREBNAK
Dammit, man. I told you to ease up on it. Look at you, now. You’re a drooling idiot.
(Hugh starts humping a parking meter.)
HUGH
NEED VIAGRA. NEED VIAGRA.
DR. GREBNAK
Just get the hell out of here, Hef. I’m trying to run a business here.
(Gerald enters.)
GERALD
Are you Dr. Grebnak?
(Hugh starts humping Gerald’s leg.)
HUGH
A woman! A woman! Ugh! Ugh ! Ugh!
GERALD
What the-?
DR. GREBNAK(swatting Hugh with a newspaper)
Bad, Hef! Bad! Get off the poor man! Now, go!
(Hugh yelps and runs off.)
GERALD
What was his problem?
DR. GREBNAK
Blind as a bat. It’s from the Viagra. He was an abuser.
GERALD
You can abuse Viagra?
DR. GREBNAK
If it’s a drug, it can be abused. He took so much he built up a tolerance to it. His body needed more and more Viagra until it didn’t respond to it anymore. Viagra abusers may develop health conditions; including exhaustion, sleep deprivation, chafed, sore, swollen, and red genitalia; and strained groin muscles. Now, he’s just messed up in the head. He gets the urges, but can’t do anything about it.
GERALD
Why can’t he do anything about it?
DR. GRENBAK
His junk is all beat up. It’s soft. Poor man couldn’t penetrate soup. What can I do for you?
GERALD
I wanted to get some Viagra, but now I’m not so sure.
DR. GREBNAK
Aw, you’ll be all right. Hef just couldn’t handle it. You look like you can handle it. You’re man, enough, aren’t you?
GERALD
Man enough for Viagra? Yeah, sure. But. Maybe I should try something else, like Cialis.
DR. GREBNAK
They both work they same way, except Cialis stays in your system longer. Viagra is for the man who knows he’s going to get some and you look like you know.
GERALD
Yeah, I do. How does Viagra work?
DR. GREBNAK
Viagra tablets contain the active ingredient sildenafil, which works by preventing the action of a chemical in the body called PDE 5.
An erection is produced via a complex chain of events, involving signals from the nervous system and the release of chemical messengers within the tissues of the penis. One of these chemical messengers is called cyclic GMP.
Cyclic GMP causes the blood vessels in the penis to widen by relaxing a thin layer of muscle found in the blood vessel walls. This allows more blood to enter the penis, which ultimately results in the penis becoming rigid and erect.
Cyclic GMP is normally broken down by another chemical in the body called PDE 5. Sildenafil works by preventing the action of PDE 5, thus stopping the breakdown of cyclic GMP. This means that the blood vessels are kept dilated for longer, improving blood flow to the penis and maintaining an erection. (Gerald is yawning.) You still with me?
GERALD
Hunh? Oh, yeah. You just lost me there a little bit.
DR. GREBNAK
Here you go.
(Dr. Grebnak tosses Gerald a small packet.)
GERALD
How much do I owe you?
DR. GREBNAK
Nothing. Free sample. You come back after you fire off that rocket, and then we’ll talk price. Take one now. By the time you get home, you’ll be ready to rock…and roll.
GERALD (takes one)
…Thanks.
(We hear a car crash offstage and a painful yelp from Hugh.)
GERALD
What was that?
DR. GEBNAK
I think Hef just tried to hump a Hummer.
(Lights out. Lights up on Gerald’s wife Tina. She is lighting candles in their living room. She turns on a CD of Celine Dion music. Gerald enters.)
GERALD
Hi, Honey. Gosh, it sure is dark in here.
TINA
I know. I turned the lights down.
GERALD
Oh, whew! I thought maybe I was going blind.
TINA
I’m just trying to set the mood. You know, it’s been awhile.
GERALD
Yeah, I know. Hey, look, I know this is crazy, but I was thinking about trying Viagra.
TINA
Viagra? Honey, don’t be silly. We don’t need science to make love. We just need each other.
GERALD
Yeah. I guess you’re right.
TINA
Why, Gerald, are you aroused?
GERALD
Oh, hey, look at that. Must be the Celine Dion.
(Gerald and Tina make wild, passionate monkey love.)
TINA
Oh, Gerald! You haven’t been this ways since you were eighteen!
GERALD
Yeah! Pretty cool, eh?
TINA
What’s gotten in to you?
GERALD
I love you? …I guess.
(Tina and Gerald fall asleep in each other’s arms…smiling. Gerald awakes in the middle of the night. Tina fast asleep and his Oscar Meyer in search of a new bun. Gerald immediately goes to see Dr. Grebnak.)
GERALD
Dr. Grebnak, I need more Viagra.
DR. GREBNAK
How much more?
GERALD
How much are they?
DR. GREBNAK
Ten bucks a pop.
GERALD
Give me a hundred.
DR. GREBNAK
Here you go! Remember, pace yourself. You don’t want to end up like Hef.
(Gerald didn’t listen. He began to pop those little blue pills like they were candy from a penis pez dispenser. He began to hump everything in sight. His neighbor, the Old Widow Kravitz.)
OLD WIDOW KAVITZ
Oh, my!
(Mr. Kravitz, the man Mrs. Kravitz pretended was dead.)
MR. KRAVITZ
Oh, my!
(The Kravitz’ pet schnauzer, Mitzi.)
MITZI
Roh, my!
(Due to the graphic nature of what happened next, we can’t show you, we can only tell you. Gerald put his penile plank in anything that would take it. Mailboxes, vending machines, VCR slots, bottles of Gatorade. Gerald passed out in a playground near his home. He awoke to children dancing around his penis like it was a May Pole. The police arrested him for indecent exposure, but not without first complimenting him on his impressive erection. They had to move the camera back to take his mugshot in profile. They released him on bail to the custody of his loving wife.)
TINA
Oh, Gerald. How could you?
GERALD
I just wanted to make you happy, Tina.
TINA
You have a problem, Gerald.
GERALD
I know. I know. I don’t know what to do.
TINA
I found some people who can help.
(Tina takes Gerald by the hand and they walk off. Lights fade. Lights come up on an empty room with chairs in it. Seated are Bob and Hef.)
GERALD
Bob? Hugh Hefner? What are you doing here?
HUGH
Well, Gerald. We realized we had a problem.
BOB
We’re Viagraholics.
HUGH
Viagra had taken over my life.
BOB
I was taking it all the time. Even when I was alone.
GERALD
But when I took Viagra, I felt like a man.
HUGH
There are other ways, Gerald. I’ve discovered that a healthy diet and exercise, like yoga, can work wonders.
BOB
I’ve learned to take my time. Savor the moment of touching my wife. Breathing techniques, help, too. Thanks to my tantra classes.
GERALD
That all sounds great.
TINA
I bought some ginkgo biloba which helps memory and blood flow.
GERALD
That way I’ll remember to have sex! You’re so thoughtful, Honey.
TINA
And I signed us up for classes in erotic massage, Gerald. I think that will help spice things up.
GERALD
That sounds wonderful. So, what do we do at these Viagraholics meetings. Should I get up and talk about my experiences.
HUGH
I’d rather you didn’t.
GERALD
Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson here. I learned that-
TINA
Shhh, Gerald. The show’s about to start.
GERALD
Show?
(At that moment, the lights dim and throbbing house music kicks in.)
BOB
Another alternative to get the blood flowing down to the nether regions –
TINA, BOB, HUGH
Strippers!!!
DEEJAY
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage the exotic stylings of our number one dancer…
ALL
YEAH!!!
DEEJAY
Old Widow Kravitz!
ALL
Ew!!!
(The End. Lights fade.)
One of the major assignments in biology is to do a presentation. Arthur told us yesterday that it would count as our final exam. Again, this is an example of him changing things at the last minute, but as far as a grade goes, it worked in my favor. Arthur encouraged us to do our presentation in whatever medium we felt the most comfortable. Most students do Power Point. Me interacting with Power Point is like the monkey in 2001. So, I decided to write a sketch. It was risky. I didn't know if my brand of comedy was going to go over well in a Saturday afternoon biology class. Most everyone in it is either a film or theater major, so I had a good shot. I got four actors from my Comedy Workshop class and an actor from one of my Writing 5 shows to help me out. I paid them in donuts. I gave them their scripts at noon and we performed the sketch as a staged reading at 1pm. They kicked butt. We got a great response and I'm pretty sure I got an "A." It's funny, in high school and college, I did not care about grades. Not at all. I think because I'm a teacher and the classes are free, I'm a little more obsessed with doing well. And, it's like a do over. I had fun in college and high school and learned a lot, but wish I had thrown myself more into getting good grades.
The piece is called "The Semi-Hard Truth About Viagra: An After Work Special." It's educational and chock full of dick jokes. There is a flaw in the piece. It's written as a staged reading. The generic stage directions become a narrator's voice halfway through. I knew I would be reading the stage directions and flipped it into narrator mode to wrap up the story more quickly. Plus, I wanted in on the fun. If I were to rewrite it for the stage or video, I would simply add a narrator.
(I will post my written work here from time-to-time. If I ever post anything anyone is interested in using, just ask me about it in the comment section.)
Here it is....
THE SEMI-HARD TRUTH ABOUT VIAGRA: AN AFTER WORK SPECIAL
Written by Joe Janes
CAST:
Gerald, 40’s – Gabe Trulson
Bob, 50’s – Jon Cohen
Dr. Grebnak, 40’s – Spike Maguire
Hugh Hefner, 80’s – Tony Torres
Tina, 40’s – Kate Lambert
DJ – Spike Maguire
Old Widow Kravitz – Kate Lambert
Mr. Kravitz – Jon Cohen
Mitzi – Tony Torres
(Lights up on Gerald sitting at his desk in his office. He is looking through file folders and checking his watch. Bob pokes his head in the door.)
BOB
Hey, Stud. Working late?
GERALD
Um, yeah. Bob. I am. How about you?
BOB
Nope. On my way home to bang my wife.
GERALD
Really?
BOB
Sure. Probably more than once, too. Unless there’s something good on television.
GERALD
But, how?
BOB
Gee, Gerald, isn’t that territory your dad should have covered with you?
GERALD
No, I mean. You’re over 50. I’m over 40 and I’m sitting here trying to find work to do so I don’t have to go home and face the fact that… face the fact…
BOB
That Mr. Stiffy ain’t so stiff anymore?
GERALD
Well…
BOB
The ol’ cock don’t crow like it used to?
GERALD
Something like that-
BOB
That your penis has that not-so-hard feeling?
GERALD
That’s it, exactly. Bob, what’s wrong with me? My wife is attractive.
BOB
Your wife is hot. Hot-hot-hot.
GERALD
Then what is it?
BOB
You’re not 18 anymore, Gerald. That little pig between your legs doesn’t snuff for truffles like it used to. According to the book, Maximize Your Vitality & Potency for Men Over 40 by Jonathan V. Wright, M.D. and Lane Lenard, Ph.D., as a man ages, the man will have less interest in sex, he will have sex less frequently and sex is less enjoyable for a male experiencing lower testosterone symptoms. Sexual frequency averages 3-4 times a week for the typical man in his twenties, declines to once a week or so in his fifties and to 1-2 times a month in his late seventies.
GERALD
One to two times a month. I’d like to get up to that level.
BOB
Along with low sex drive, impotence increases with age and the related lower testosterone levels. Nearly 10% of males over 50 and 40% of males over 70 have impotence problems. The only thing wrong with you is that you’re older
GERALD
I’ve seen that happen to other guys. I never thought it would happen to me. But, wait, you’re older than me. Do you really still do it with your wife?
BOB
And how. I often dip my pen in her inkwell. Although, the ink ain’t as wet as it used to be. But that’s a different presentation.
GERALD
How do you do it? What’s your secret?
BOB
I get a little help.
GERALD
You mean, like an intern?
BOB
No, no. I get help from science. I take Viagra.
GERALD
Viagra? I heard Viagra was for losers.
BOB
Do I seem like a loser to you?
GERALD
I guess not.
BOB
Besides, all the cool executives take Viagra.
GERALD
But aren’t there harmful side effects?
BOB
Um, yeah, if you call having an erection for over four hours harmful.
GERALD
Four hours?
BOB
It can happen. But the only thing its harmful to is other people. Almost poked a guy’s eye out at Starbucks once.
GERALD
Gee, do you have any on you?
BOB
Sorry, Pal. Keep them at home. Here’s my doctor’s card. Just swing by. You don’t need an appointment.
GERALD
Really?
BOB
Yeah. He works out of his car.
GERALD
Thanks, Bob. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.
BOB
You won’t have to. I’ll just look for the grin on your face in the morning. Good night, Stud.
(Bob exits as Gerald looks at business card. Lights fade. Lights up on Dr. Grebnak refusing to give an older man in his 80’s wearing silk pajamas, a robe and thick eye glasses, more Viagra.)
HUGH
Please, doctor. Please. It’s not for me, it’s for my five girlfriends.
DR. GREBNAK
Your girlfriends left you long ago, Hef. Get up. Stop humping my tires. Have some dignity.
HUGH
I can’t help it. Doc. I need more Viagra. It’s the only thing that will straighten me out.
DR. GREBNAK
Dammit, man. I told you to ease up on it. Look at you, now. You’re a drooling idiot.
(Hugh starts humping a parking meter.)
HUGH
NEED VIAGRA. NEED VIAGRA.
DR. GREBNAK
Just get the hell out of here, Hef. I’m trying to run a business here.
(Gerald enters.)
GERALD
Are you Dr. Grebnak?
(Hugh starts humping Gerald’s leg.)
HUGH
A woman! A woman! Ugh! Ugh ! Ugh!
GERALD
What the-?
DR. GREBNAK(swatting Hugh with a newspaper)
Bad, Hef! Bad! Get off the poor man! Now, go!
(Hugh yelps and runs off.)
GERALD
What was his problem?
DR. GREBNAK
Blind as a bat. It’s from the Viagra. He was an abuser.
GERALD
You can abuse Viagra?
DR. GREBNAK
If it’s a drug, it can be abused. He took so much he built up a tolerance to it. His body needed more and more Viagra until it didn’t respond to it anymore. Viagra abusers may develop health conditions; including exhaustion, sleep deprivation, chafed, sore, swollen, and red genitalia; and strained groin muscles. Now, he’s just messed up in the head. He gets the urges, but can’t do anything about it.
GERALD
Why can’t he do anything about it?
DR. GRENBAK
His junk is all beat up. It’s soft. Poor man couldn’t penetrate soup. What can I do for you?
GERALD
I wanted to get some Viagra, but now I’m not so sure.
DR. GREBNAK
Aw, you’ll be all right. Hef just couldn’t handle it. You look like you can handle it. You’re man, enough, aren’t you?
GERALD
Man enough for Viagra? Yeah, sure. But. Maybe I should try something else, like Cialis.
DR. GREBNAK
They both work they same way, except Cialis stays in your system longer. Viagra is for the man who knows he’s going to get some and you look like you know.
GERALD
Yeah, I do. How does Viagra work?
DR. GREBNAK
Viagra tablets contain the active ingredient sildenafil, which works by preventing the action of a chemical in the body called PDE 5.
An erection is produced via a complex chain of events, involving signals from the nervous system and the release of chemical messengers within the tissues of the penis. One of these chemical messengers is called cyclic GMP.
Cyclic GMP causes the blood vessels in the penis to widen by relaxing a thin layer of muscle found in the blood vessel walls. This allows more blood to enter the penis, which ultimately results in the penis becoming rigid and erect.
Cyclic GMP is normally broken down by another chemical in the body called PDE 5. Sildenafil works by preventing the action of PDE 5, thus stopping the breakdown of cyclic GMP. This means that the blood vessels are kept dilated for longer, improving blood flow to the penis and maintaining an erection. (Gerald is yawning.) You still with me?
GERALD
Hunh? Oh, yeah. You just lost me there a little bit.
DR. GREBNAK
Here you go.
(Dr. Grebnak tosses Gerald a small packet.)
GERALD
How much do I owe you?
DR. GREBNAK
Nothing. Free sample. You come back after you fire off that rocket, and then we’ll talk price. Take one now. By the time you get home, you’ll be ready to rock…and roll.
GERALD (takes one)
…Thanks.
(We hear a car crash offstage and a painful yelp from Hugh.)
GERALD
What was that?
DR. GEBNAK
I think Hef just tried to hump a Hummer.
(Lights out. Lights up on Gerald’s wife Tina. She is lighting candles in their living room. She turns on a CD of Celine Dion music. Gerald enters.)
GERALD
Hi, Honey. Gosh, it sure is dark in here.
TINA
I know. I turned the lights down.
GERALD
Oh, whew! I thought maybe I was going blind.
TINA
I’m just trying to set the mood. You know, it’s been awhile.
GERALD
Yeah, I know. Hey, look, I know this is crazy, but I was thinking about trying Viagra.
TINA
Viagra? Honey, don’t be silly. We don’t need science to make love. We just need each other.
GERALD
Yeah. I guess you’re right.
TINA
Why, Gerald, are you aroused?
GERALD
Oh, hey, look at that. Must be the Celine Dion.
(Gerald and Tina make wild, passionate monkey love.)
TINA
Oh, Gerald! You haven’t been this ways since you were eighteen!
GERALD
Yeah! Pretty cool, eh?
TINA
What’s gotten in to you?
GERALD
I love you? …I guess.
(Tina and Gerald fall asleep in each other’s arms…smiling. Gerald awakes in the middle of the night. Tina fast asleep and his Oscar Meyer in search of a new bun. Gerald immediately goes to see Dr. Grebnak.)
GERALD
Dr. Grebnak, I need more Viagra.
DR. GREBNAK
How much more?
GERALD
How much are they?
DR. GREBNAK
Ten bucks a pop.
GERALD
Give me a hundred.
DR. GREBNAK
Here you go! Remember, pace yourself. You don’t want to end up like Hef.
(Gerald didn’t listen. He began to pop those little blue pills like they were candy from a penis pez dispenser. He began to hump everything in sight. His neighbor, the Old Widow Kravitz.)
OLD WIDOW KAVITZ
Oh, my!
(Mr. Kravitz, the man Mrs. Kravitz pretended was dead.)
MR. KRAVITZ
Oh, my!
(The Kravitz’ pet schnauzer, Mitzi.)
MITZI
Roh, my!
(Due to the graphic nature of what happened next, we can’t show you, we can only tell you. Gerald put his penile plank in anything that would take it. Mailboxes, vending machines, VCR slots, bottles of Gatorade. Gerald passed out in a playground near his home. He awoke to children dancing around his penis like it was a May Pole. The police arrested him for indecent exposure, but not without first complimenting him on his impressive erection. They had to move the camera back to take his mugshot in profile. They released him on bail to the custody of his loving wife.)
TINA
Oh, Gerald. How could you?
GERALD
I just wanted to make you happy, Tina.
TINA
You have a problem, Gerald.
GERALD
I know. I know. I don’t know what to do.
TINA
I found some people who can help.
(Tina takes Gerald by the hand and they walk off. Lights fade. Lights come up on an empty room with chairs in it. Seated are Bob and Hef.)
GERALD
Bob? Hugh Hefner? What are you doing here?
HUGH
Well, Gerald. We realized we had a problem.
BOB
We’re Viagraholics.
HUGH
Viagra had taken over my life.
BOB
I was taking it all the time. Even when I was alone.
GERALD
But when I took Viagra, I felt like a man.
HUGH
There are other ways, Gerald. I’ve discovered that a healthy diet and exercise, like yoga, can work wonders.
BOB
I’ve learned to take my time. Savor the moment of touching my wife. Breathing techniques, help, too. Thanks to my tantra classes.
GERALD
That all sounds great.
TINA
I bought some ginkgo biloba which helps memory and blood flow.
GERALD
That way I’ll remember to have sex! You’re so thoughtful, Honey.
TINA
And I signed us up for classes in erotic massage, Gerald. I think that will help spice things up.
GERALD
That sounds wonderful. So, what do we do at these Viagraholics meetings. Should I get up and talk about my experiences.
HUGH
I’d rather you didn’t.
GERALD
Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson here. I learned that-
TINA
Shhh, Gerald. The show’s about to start.
GERALD
Show?
(At that moment, the lights dim and throbbing house music kicks in.)
BOB
Another alternative to get the blood flowing down to the nether regions –
TINA, BOB, HUGH
Strippers!!!
DEEJAY
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage the exotic stylings of our number one dancer…
ALL
YEAH!!!
DEEJAY
Old Widow Kravitz!
ALL
Ew!!!
(The End. Lights fade.)
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