She Loves You - Yah, Yeah, Ya!

The other night, Glenn Earich, a former student and current teacher in The Second City Writing Program, and I were discussing writing pet peeves that show up in our students' work. Imagine my surprise when one of the things I did was at the top of his list.

Glenn hates when a student uses the word "Yeah" (in his world, pronounced yah), when they mean "Yea" (in his world, pronounced yey!). According to Glenn, the right way in this world is...

CAPT. AHAB

Yea! I see the great white whale off the starboard bow! Starbuck, do you have my lucky harpoon?

STARBUCK

Yeah.

In my world, it's always been...

CAPT. AHAB

Yeah! I found my peg leg. Now, I can go for a jog around the poop deck. Will you join me, Starbuck?

STARBUCK

Yah.

I mentioned this to Fuzzy Gerdes who tells me he does this...

CAPT. AHAB

Yay! I found a stowaway to befriend. I think I'll show him where my treasure is buried.

STARBUCK

Ya. Captain. That's the wrong story.

CAPT. AHAB

Shut up and bring me my parrot.

Actually, I don't remember how Fuzzy dealt with "yah" because I was so stuck on his use of "Yay!" There's something about that "Yay!" that puts me on the edge of a seizure. It sounds right but looks very, very wrong to me. I believe it has the power to cause a rift in the fabric of reality and therefore should never be used.

So, what's the right way of expressing cheer distinct from a casual affirmation?

Dictionaries haven't been helpful on this. They do site "yea" in pronunciation of the cheer, but use it in a biblical sense (Yea, though I walk through the valley, etc...). In some, "yeah" and "yea" are interchangeable in meaning and pronunciation. And "yay" shows up when referring to measure, as in "yay high to a grasshopper."

So, let's ask a professor. According to Paul Brians, professor of English at Washington State University and author of Common Errors in English Usage...

“Yea” is a very old-fashioned formal way of saying “yes,” used mainly in voting. It’s the opposite of—and rhymes with—“nay.” When you want to write the common casual version of “yes,” the correct spelling is “yeah” (sounds like “yeh” ). When the third grade teacher announced a class trip to the zoo, we all yelled “yay!” (the opposite of “boo”!). That was back when I was only yay big.

There you have it. I was all wrong and Glenn was half right. And Fuzzy taught me a new word that I thought he made up. As much as that word "Yay!" gives me the heebeejeebies, I will now have to embrace it.

Yay!



BLOG ACTION DAY

Yesterday was Blog Action Day! Sorry, I didn't get the memo and didn't really do anything action-y. While I discount blogging as valid journalism, I do think it is a valuable tool of expression and a great way for politicians to get a bead on we "the people." It's a way for us to build community in the world.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"After months of frustration, a mother of a soldier in Iraq was able to ship to the troops 80,000 cans of what?"

23% picked "Hershey's Chocolate Syrup"
- I have no idea why anyone thought this was the right answer. What? The troops don't have any chocolate syrup for their sundaes! Where's the outrage? Support our troops! Support our troops!

7% chose "Spam"
- I think when it comes to potted meats, the army has enough to rebuild a war torn country.

Much to my dismay, no one thought it was "Prince Albert Tobacco"
- "Dear President Bush, We need more Prince Albert in a can. Signed, Pvt. I. P. Daley"

70% got the right answer with "Silly String"

According to the Associated Press, Marcelle Shriver's Silly String campaign began late last year after her son, Todd, a soldier in Ramadi slated to leave Iraq in November, asked his parents to send cans of the product. Soldiers can shoot the substance, which travels about 10-12 feet, across a room before entering. If it hangs in the air, that indicates a possible trip wire. I really wish the army had been on the ball and equipped the troops with Silly String from the get-go. Instead of toppling a statue of Sadam, I would much rather have seen jubilant Iraqis firing off cans of Silly String for the camera. Keep that in mind when Bush figures out a way to invade Iran without our approval.

Sketch Writing for Riches!

So, my favorite form of writing is sketch comedy writing. In this town, there's not much reason to do it other than because you love it. If you are interested in writing for SNL or MADtv or sketch off-shoots like The Daily Show or Family Guy, it's an excellent training ground and you will, eventually, have to relocate. But if you want to stick to Chicago, you do it for the love and keep an eye out for opportunities to turn a buck with it.

One such opportunity is writing for corporate entertainment. Corporations often have big get-togethers where they have to get information out in an entertaining manner or, at least, have to spice things up between getting the information out there.

They tend to pay well, but I always feel like I'm getting screwed. Part of this goes back to my very first corporate gig.

Post-college, I was working at the Dayton Mall Food Court with an ex-girlfriend named Peggy. She had annually hosted a live kids show featuring the Care Bears over at the Salem Mall. Well, the folks at the Salem Mall had a fallout with American Greetings, the owners of the Care Bears. The Salem Mall still owned one Care Bear outfit, still had Peggy in town, had already scheduled the week of Care Bear shows. All they needed was a script. Peggy recommended me.

Immediately, I started brainstorming, letting it percolate in the back of my head, while grilling steak sandwiches at the food court. I came up with a title The Care Bear's Great Candy Adventure, a villain named The Icky Dr. Yuckbottom, and a joke.

Peggy is talking to the kids about something strange that happened to her. She rode her big wheel to the candy store and bought a lollipop. "I noticed my shoe was untied. So, I put the lollipop on the seat of my Big Wheel and tied my shoe. When I turned back, my lollipop was gone! At first, I thought my dog took it, but then I remembered, I don't have a dog!"

And don't know why, but it cracked me up that she would say that and it helped me gain momentum in writing the rest of the piece. The folks at the Salem Mall loved it, wanted to use it, wanted me to play The Icky Dr. Yuckbottom, and scheduled a readthrough. Mind you, this was all done before there was any talk whatsoever about paying me (sidenote: Always talk money BEFORE working on the gig). Peggy and I and the guy who would don the Care Bears outfit sat down with a Salem Mall rep to read the script. He gushed about it, we read it, we laughed. And then he said, "The dog joke has to go."

What!?! My brilliant work of genius comedy has to go? Why? Are you crazy?

"There might be kids in the audience who don't have dogs. They'll bug their parents to buy a dog and the parents will get pissed at us."

I still didn't get the logic of that being a problem.

"Theoretically speaking, then, we can't have anything in the show. No candy. No Care Bears. Nothing." I didn't say that. I wasn't smart enough back then. Plus, I was dumbfounded at their reasoning. It was my first experience of someone editing my work without honoring my input. They were killing my children!

I took the lump. I don't recall any other major alteration to the work. I was looking forward to performing my script for a crowd of kids for three shows a day for a week. A professional writer AND actor!

The money? I got screwed. I had no idea what was an appropriate amount. I think they expected me to negotiate. Not knowing I had any other options, I took the first figure they threw out. $300. It was less than I would have made working full-time at the food court. Peggy told me later I got screwed. Sigh.

Now, whenever I am offered a corporate gig, I ask for what I think it should be based on my experience with Second City. And if they ask me to do more than what was agreed upon, I ask for more. It feels weird. But it's right. Always ask for more than you think it should be. As an artist, you are usually low-balling yourself. The worst that can happen is that they make a counter-offer that's still probably more than what you would pay yourself.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Monsignor Tommaso Stenico was suspended from the Vatican after making advances on a young man says he what?"

25% guessed "Really did want the young man's opinion on his new pants."
- Do these standard issue black slacks make me look fat? No, because being gay has a slimming effect.

9% thought "Really is an amateur photographer who knows natural talent when he sees it."
- You remind me of a young Rock Hudson. Pout for me, pout for the camera, pout for the Pope. Uh, no.

8% figured "Really did find a stray eyelash on the young man's cheek."
- Got it! Now, make a wish and blow...harder! Nope.

58% rightly stated "Was just pretending to be gay."

According to the Associated Press, a Vatican official suspended after being caught on hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work. Monsignor Tommaso Stenico told La Repubblica daily he frequented online gay chat rooms and met with gay men as part of his work as a psychoanalyst. He said that he pretended to be gay in order to gather information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity." And, yes, he said all these things with a cock in his mouth.

Whew!

Okay. Ever been so busy that you didn't have time to be sick and then as soon as things let up a bit, boom! Viral smackdown? Soiree Dada wrapped up Saturday night. On Sunday, I was sneezy and congested all day and assumed that it was my usual allergies. I took a Claritin to no effect. Late in the afternoon, my throat started to feel scratchy. I laid down for an hour, had some dinner, hypnotically watched the movie Stargate on the Sci-Fi Channel and noticed for the first time that French Stewart was in it as a bad ass marine, and started feeling worse. I don't think the miscasting of French Stewart had anything to do with this. Through my girlfriend's recommendation, I took a bath by candle-light with a bath bomb. Okay, the candle-light was my idea. Shut up. I'm sick.

I crawled into bed around 8pm and slept for nearly ten hours.

So, at the moment I feel much better, albeit quite achy. Today, all I have on the docket are my Columbia classes. I'm free this evening to come home and chill out. And, if I'm still not feeling well, take another bath by candle-light. I said shut up.

Things have been a little slow around here for snarky political and social commentary or talking about theater and writing. There's lot for me to write about, so we'll get those pistons fired back up this week.


If you're a geek like me, this is good news...

Young Actors Audition For Justice

George Miller, director of the upcoming Justice Leage of America, flew from his native Australia over the weekend to audition young actors for roles in the much-anticipated comic-inspired film, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The marathon casting session started Oct. 14 and continues on the 15th, with 35 to 40 actors testing for roles, including Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter. A few nonhero parts might be testing as well.

On the roll call are Adam Brody (The O.C.), Joseph Cross (Running With Scissors), D.J. Cotrona (Windfall), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3), Michael Angarano (Sky High), Teresa Palmer (Wolf Creek), Max Thieriot (Jumper) and rapper Common.

The cast of NBC's Friday Night Lights is well-represented as well, with Minka Kelly, Adrianne Palicki and Scott Porter also among those testing for parts. No costumes are involved in the tests, which are being taped as actors read script pages.

Miller is looking for actors to grow into their roles over the course of several movies. Sources told the trade paper that Miller, known to be a methodical director, is testing not only for the roles themselves but also how the actors interact with one another while keeping an eye on the look of the whole group. The director is due to present his findings to the studio midweek.

George Miller also did the Mad Max film series and that other bloody revenge franchise, Babe.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Saturday, I asked...

"Australian performance artist Stelios Arcadiou recently had what grafted to his body?"

25% picked "A Horn"
- I wasn't specific as to if I meant a horn like a rhino or a horn like a car. I'd love it if I had a truck horn I could use on escalators where lazy people block the paths of those of us who want to use our legs while escalating. But it doesn't matter which, because neither is right.

25% "Pig Nipples"
- I'm sure the pig would feel great about this. "They chop me up for science and for sandwiches. They part out my body like a used car and some asshole gets to wear my nipples for art? I wish they had just clubbed me in the head when I was born." Don't worry little piggy. Your nipples are safe. For now.

No one thought it was "A Duck Bill"
- Too hard to imagine, I guess. Where would you put it? It's too small to graft to your lips. I think they'd make pretty cool eye lids.

50% got the right answer with "A Third Ear"

According to the BBC, an Australian performer has had an ear grafted onto his forearm in the name of art. Stelarc, aged 61, said it had taken him years to find a surgeon prepared to perform the operation. The ear does not function, but he hopes to have a microphone implanted to allow others to listen to what his extra ear picks up. Um, I think the extra ear on his forearm is going to pick up the rustling of his shirt as well as everything else that his other two ears hear. My question is, did this jerk get a grant for this?

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

"Rabbit Seasoning" (1952)


I heart Daffy Duck. Whenever I create a character for a show, I usually end up using elements of Daffy. I think you can see traces of the duck in my work in Soiree Dada and The Armageddon Radio Hour. In Rabbit Seasoning, he teams up with Bugs Bunny. They were the Hope and Crosby of the cartoon world. Willing to work together, but more often than not, willing to sell out the other at the drop of a hat. This cartoon has two of my favorite Daffy quotes; "Pronoun trouble." and "You're dithpicable." He also gets shot in the face half a dozen times. It's the kind of thing that would send parental watchdog groups in a tizzy and it's hysterical slapstick.





THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In Brisbane, Australia, to save a man who ingested anti-freeze, doctors intravenously fed him what?"

30% picked "Oatmeal"
- Must have been the real runny kind...No.

No one went for "Iced Coffee" or "Cat Food"
- Which is a treat I give my own cats during those hot summer days. Not.

70% chose what many consider to always be the right answer "Vodka"

According to the Associated Press, doctors plugged an Italian tourist into a drip-feed of vodka to save him at a hospital in Australia that ran out of the medicinal alcohol it would normally have used for treatment. It worked, but he was very upset they didn't use a nice grappa.

Shaking the Spear

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

Courtesy of Mr. Chris Othic

One of the things about writing sketches is coming up with ideas for
scenes.  Well, there is one particular playwright out there that
has an endless supply of scene ideas:  William Shakespeare!

This assignment is pretty straightforward.  Just think of all those
Shakespeare plays, rife with hundreds of scenes.  The great thing
about Willie Shakes is he knows how to create drama, so the scenes
contain lots of conflicts and are great setups for sketches.

Just choose a random scene from one of Shakespeare’s plays and
rewrite it.  You can do it however you like.  You can keep it in
its original time period, move it to another time period, or make
it modern.  You can write it in verse if you like, or use normal
dialogue.  You can loosely adapt it with your own characters or use
the same characters and just exaggerate it.

It's an opportunity to explore "Clash of Context" by having, say, a
scene from Macbeth taking place in a corporate setting. Another
example, take the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.  There are
literally hundreds of ways to write a sketch based on this scene. 
One way is to modernize it, where a drunken college frat boy Romeo
is trying to climb up to Juliet’s sorority house.  His drunkenness
is one obstacle, and maybe he is in the crappy fraternity while
Juliet is in the cool sorority.  The possibilities are endless.How
about the end of Hamlet?  Everybody dies, right?  So let’s keep the
set up, but let’s have poor Hamlet be confused and start killing the
wrong people.  By the end of the scene, you have a stage full of
dead bodies, and poor Hamlet still hasn’t gotten his revenge.

Shakespeare’s works are rich and full of conflict, internal and
external, as well as all the fun stuff that you can think about
putting in your sketches like murder, mistaken identity,  and
revenge.  Brush up on the bard and then bastardize his work.  Good
times!

Note:  If you aren’t familiar with at least some of Shakespeare’s
plays, you really should start reading or seeing them now!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

About a year ago - it seems - I asked...

"To honor the place where they met and had their first date, a couple in Springfield, Ohio got married last week where?"

20% said "Strip Club"
- How romantic. And the dee-jay officiated. The dollar dance got a little out of hand, though... No.

11% thought maybe "Rehab"
- They had to say "I do's" and many "I don't-any-more's."...Nope.

11% picked "Prison"
- And even though it was a men's prison, they had plenty of volunteers for "maid of honor." someone got shivved when the bride threw the bouquet, too. ...Not.

58% got it right with "Wal-Mart"

According to the Associated Press, Wal-Mart employees Chet Eldridge and Danna Hornback tied the knot last amid the retailer's flowers, shrubs and lawn chairs. Eldridge, 51, an automotive manager, and Hornback, 45, an arts and crafts associate, met during the store's employee orientation. She agreed to their first date in the furniture section. No word on how the honeymoon in the Sporting Goods aisle went.

Man, It's Early!

Scrambling around this morning in the semi-darkness looking for a pair of matching socks. I'm off for the last day of the corporate gig. The best part, is that I am done early and should be back home by 10:30am.

Soiree Dada closes this week! You have only tonight, Friday and Saturday to come see it. And Robowriters is tonight at 6:30pm. See the column on the left for more details.

Now that October has started acting like October, again, here's a picture of a pumpkin! Weeeee!

Yikes!

Okay, so yesterday's first day of events at the corporate gig went well. I had to come back to Chicago for a rehearsal and have to return to Schaumburg this morning at 6:30am! So, I am up at 4am to shower, gather up all the things I need for the day - I teach two classes at Columbia and one at Second City - and head out to not return home until 11pm-ish. And then I have to do the same thing tomorrow morning!

But I am a professional. You will hear no whining from me.

Yet.