Playing with Matches

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. —

A boy playing with matches started a fire in north Los Angeles County that consumed more than 38,000 acres and destroyed 21 homes last week, authorities said Tuesday.

Read the full story HERE.

Parents all around the world are revising their "don't play with matches warnings." I recommend some of the following...

- If you play with matches, George W. Bush will come visit you.

- If you play with matches, Arnold Schwarzenegger will wet your bed while you're still in it.

- If you play with matches, you'll cause over $1 billion worth of damage and it's coming out of your allowance, Mister.

- If you play with matches, FEMA will stage a press conference that paints you in an unflattering light.

- If you play with matches, Al-Qaeda will come get you...and try to recruit you.

- If you play with matches, you'll kill 14 people, destroy 2100 homes and your parents will turn you in for the $285,000 reward for your ass.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Pamela Worden of Warwick, Rhode Island has been accused by police of stealing a parrot and doing what?"

50% said "Sewing it to a pirate costume"
- Sorry, Matey. Tis the wrong answer. Here's an obligatory "Arrrrr."

37% swore it was "Teaching it racial slurs"
- Polly, want a cracker?

No one swallowed "Eating it"
- Parrot tastes like chicken, in which case, just eat chicken.

Only 13% got the right answer "Cutting off its leg"

According to the Associated Press, prosecutors say Pamela Worden walked into a pet store in May, stole the $500 bird and later snipped off one of its legs to remove an identity tag. Prosecutors are seeking a prison sentence for Worden for possessing stolen goods and cruelty to animals. I couldn't find any information on how the parrot is doing. My hope is that it survived the ordeal, has been outfitted with a nifty peg leg, and has found a nice pirate with a matching peg leg to take care of it.

Hope for the Future...and the Past!

One of the really beautiful things about improv is that people are human and they make mistakes. While improvising a scene, the best way to handle it is to embrace it. Otherwise, it's the elephant in the room that no one is talking about and is hoping will go away. Of course, it is possible to acknowledge the mistake by treating the person making the mistake like they are an idiot. This doesn't do much to forward the scene and works to putting that person in their head and clamming up (which, at times, might be the desired effect). But for the audience's buck, it's wonderful to see mistakes parlayed into important elements.

The last time I played with The Improvised Shakespeare Company, I informed the king of England that an Irish army would be invading our shores at dawn-thirty by crossing the English Channel. In the next scene, my geographically-challenged plot point was called out by the leader of the Irish army. "Instead of crossing the Irish Sea into England, which would be the quickest and easiest route, we'll be going all the way down to France and crossing the English Channel into England from there!" It would have been easy for someone to just correct my mistake. It was more fun to call it out and embrace it as a brilliant feat of war strategy. Huzzah!

A mistake in Danse Macabre! last Friday came when one of the players called another player by their previously killed character's name. Instead of telling him he made a mistake, the player created the first of many sets of identical twins that also shared the same identical name.

Not to sound too much like a lame inspirational business poster, but mistake are opportunities. They could even be considered the subconscious of the group mind mischievously at work.

The title of this piece? It's something one of the students said last night in an improv game for a class I was subbing at Second City. The idea of having hope for the past made me laugh quite heartily. You could see on her face just a flash of "what the hell did I say?" and it's exactly the kind of mistake I'm talking about here.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Craig S. McCullough was arrested in a public restroom when he was found with his pants down doing what?"

33% naturally assumed "passing out Republican Party buttons"
- Now, if they can only swing putting voting booths in bathroom stalls.

33% thought health and "checking for testicular cancer"
- Well, he was feeling around down there, but he was more interested in making a lump than finding one.

9% hungrily answered "eating his lunch"
- Did somebody say Quizno's?

25% overcame their denial and got it right with "lying next to an inflatable doll"

According to the Associated Press, Craig S. McCullough was arrested last week after a government agent allegedly found him in an office building restroom lying next to an inflatable, anatomically correct doll with his pants down. McCullough's criminal record includes a 2004 conviction for burglarizing a Just For Me bridal boutique. Shortly after the burglary, police officers found McCullough in a nearby alley, carrying a mannequin wearing a bridal dress. It's a shame it didn't work out with his mannequin bride, but it's their kids who will really suffer.

The Magic of Comedy

When I was a kid, I loved magic. I couldn't get enough of it. The only magic I saw, however, was on TV variety shows and the occasional and rare birthday party or school assembly. I decided that if I wanted to see more magic, I would have to learn it myself. So, I started to absorb books on and by Robert-Houdin (the father of modern magic), Joseph Dunniger (a magician who amassed a huge encyclopedia's worth of magic history) and Houdini (a lithograph of his European tour as "The Wold's Handcuff King & Prison Breaker" is in my office). Imagine my disappointment when I quickly discovered that actual magic had nothing to do with, well, magic. Most of it seemed to be showmanship and misdirection. At which I am both horrible. I soon faded in my interest in being a magician and went back to being a fan. I love to be amazed. Being a magician, or studying magic, ruins magic for you. Your focus shifts to amazing others.

I love comedy and am fascinated with the mechanisms of what make someone laugh. At what makes me laugh. Unlike magic, I can still crack myself up and relish when I make someone else laugh. It still seems to have a lot to do with showmanship and misdirection. Showmanship in making sure a joke or laugh line is delivered in just the right way - is it a throwaway line or should I break out the bicycle horn for punctuation? Misdirection in that it's important to lead the audience down one path and then quickly turn a corner to a place they weren't expecting.


DANSE MACABRE!

I love Danse Macabre! We had a wonderful time at The Acorn Theater. Dave and Kim are exceptional hosts and if you have any opportunity to stop by there, please do. The cast did a fine job with the audience suggestion of "The Garden Grave." A very bizarre tale of a woman badgering her husband (with her "stubby finger of judgment") into making sure she won the blue ribbon for her vegetables. She wants to grow "corn as high as...corn!" The husband ensures her victory by eliminating the competition. In doing so, he releases a rival Celtic spirit who can only be killed by pure innocence. It was worth everything putting this show together to get to see Don Hall and James Honey as two virginal twin sisters both named Helen.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A mother in Naples, Florida is currently on trial for child abuse because she forced her 13-year-old daughter to do what?"

50% picked "Finish her homework before dinner"
- A criminal offense, indeed! Especially when that Science Fair project on hydroponics took her a month to complete. She was forced to eat her own soiless green tomatoes.

20% chose "Wear unfashionable clothes"
-She was forced to wear grandpa's hand-me-down tan Sansa-belt slacks all through sixth grade!

No one went for "Clean her room before going to bed"
- Apparently, that sounded more horrible to me than anyone else.

30% got it right with "Shave her head and pierce her genitals"

According to the Associated Press, the mother called on a tattoo artist friend to shave the girl's head and do the piercing after realizing that the girl had been having sex, including with the mother's boyfriend. The idea was to make the girl unattractive to men and, with the piercing, make it uncomfortable to have sex. Just swinging in the dark, here, but if a turd like her boyfriend is willing to jump on the bones of a thirteen year-old, the shaved head and pierced labia probably aren't going to act as deterrents for him. I think he's the one that should have received the Yul Brenner and the Prince Albert.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

On SUNDAY!

Sorry I'm a day late this weekend. I thought Julie and I would be back from Three Oaks by mid-to-late afternoon yesterday. Turns out, we got home at 8:30pm exhausted. Damn you outlet stores!

The Beatles (1965-1969)



The Beatles, as a cartoon, aired on ABC for four years starting in 1965. It was the first cartoon to turn a live band, or celebrity, into an animated figure. The show was very popular, but quickly became an anachronism as the look of the figures didn't evolve with their flesh and blood counterparts. Enjoy!

Speaking of Staged Readings

There's no Robowriters' assignment today because last night was the staged reading of our new show. Yay!

Staged readings are like focus groups for the show, except the audience tends to be more savvy in the ways of all things theatrical. Regardless of the caliber of the folks, you are bound to get a few comments along the lines of "I think you should add chimps."

But I do find them valuable. Particularly for comedy. Laughter is undeniable feedback and there were plenty of laughs last night. It's also interesting to hear feedback from fresh ears and eyes. Having been in the Robot vs Dinosaur bubble for the last six months, it's hard for me to see the project as a whole.

After months of writing different kinds of material, we decided to focus on adventure. There's a lot of history and tall tales in our show. Such as Nat Topping's rollicking and twisted take on Johnny Appleseed called "The Great Apple Massacre" and Chris Othic's "Journey to the Bottom of the World" about the third man to reach the south pole.

We really didn't think much beyond "it's about adventure." The staged reading audience pointed out a few things we didn't see. None of the pieces show heroes in a flattering light. In my piece, "Mr. Mysterium," the hero doesn't even win. He gets turned into a zombie. One audience member, a very astute woman, summed it up with "It's about masculinity and myth." That sounded like a "Bingo!" to me and will be very helpful in how we shape the show from this point forward.



COME SEE DANSE MACABRE! AT THE ACORN THEATER

The Acorn Theater just an hour from the city in the lovely Three Oaks, Michigan, near New Buffalo. Directions from Chicago can be found by clicking HERE.



WHERE'S JEAN-LUC PICARD?

Condoleeza Rice says the U.S. is more than open and willing to sit down with Iran "anytime, anywhere" and find a diplomatic solution to their nuclear power program IF Iran would suspend their nuclear program.

"We'll talk to you, if..."?

Maybe I don't understand diplomacy. Don't we need to sit down with them to try to find a solution for them to stop their program? Why would they give us what we want first? Where's the incentive? The Bush Administration only knows how to dole out carrots to their rich, obese rabbit friends. I'm not saying we should reward Iran for anything, but all we're doing is threatening them. And if all you did was threaten me to stop doing something I didn't think was any of your business, I'd be thumbing my nose at you, too.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Actress Gretchen Mol and her director husband Tod Williams recently had a baby and named him what?"

31% answered "Gretchod"
- Which only barely beat out "Todchen."

16% picked "Steamwhistle"
- Which is my personal favorite and the primary reason my girlfriend won't discuss marriage or kids with me.

16% "Zorba"
- Close. It is Greek.

37% deemed the correct answer to be "Ptolemy"

According to Dlisted, Gretchen Mol, gave birth to a baby boy last month and I guess nobody cared. She announced it to People Magazine earlier this week. Gretchen and her director husband, Tod Williams, had the baby in NYC on September 10th. They named the poor child Ptolemy John Williams.

Okay, yes, I do have a problem with a kid being named after a Greek astronomer who believed the earth was the center of the universe. And, yes, he will and should be picked upon without mercy by his peers in grade school ("Hey, Ptolemy, I understand your "p" is silent!"). And, yes, it is better than Ptolemy's first name, which is Claudius. Even if he went with Claude, no child should have the name Claude. Only people born at the age 80 have the name Claude. But I think the most offensive part of his name is "John Williams." The film composer whose music all sounds the same! I don't even know why Spielberg hired him to do the new Indy film. Just sample bits from the previous movies, which is what John Williams is going to do anyway.

Death Takes A Sick Day

So, I just flat out took yesterday off to nurse this cold. I rested, I drank Yerba Mate and white tea, I ate my new favorite sandwich (Tofurkey Deli Slices, Tofutti American Soy-Cheese Slice, Vegenaise and real jalapenos on real flax and wheat bread), I watched the second episode of this year's Smallville (better than the season premiere, but it sure feels like these folks are done - I'm not crazy about the addition of Super Girl or the new editor and please stop over-playing the "dead" card on your characters), the second episode of The Office (also better than the season premiere, but still had a really dumb "turn" near the end - please stop these one hour episodes, it feels like a lot of filler), and I got some work done on some projects. All with only talking on the phone once because as the day wore on, my voice got worse and sounded like a flock of geese.

My body is feeling better, which is good, because I have to big events over the next two days...



NO ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!!!

Okay, that's more like the lack of an event. The reason there's no Robowriters is because of the...



ROBOT VS DINOSAUR-CHICAGO STAGED READING

We've been working on material for this since May. There's some really good stuff in it and we've assembled a really great cast. There's still work for us to do and what we need now is to hear from you and get your feedback. It's tonight at 7:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway. It's FREE!

And...



DANSE MACABRE! AT THE ACORN THEATER IN THREE OAKS, MICHIGAN

(Danse Macabre by razshady)

This will be your one and only chance to see Danse Macabre! this year. Danse Macabre! is an improvised story done in the style of horror films from the 1930's and 1940's (ala Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolf Man). The premise is that 1930's horror meister Conrad Brünst, through the magic of Hollywood and the sacrifice of a small goat, has assembled his regular company of actors to recreate LIVE! one of his many films that have been lost to nitrate deterioration and poor organizational skills. The audience provides the title of the "film" they would like to see. It's a robust evening of creepy fun time storytelling.And it's ridiculously funny.

Here's my favorite quote from a reviewer about the show...

"With its spooky effects and black-widow palette, Danse Macabre! evokes a White Stripes video as directed by Vincent Price."
-- Ryan Hubbard, The Chicago Reader

This year's show features; Don Hall, Gabe Garza, Nat Topping, James Honey, Dennis Frymire, Tony Torres, myself and Jeff Shivar on the keys. And as is always the fashion with Danse Macabre!, we feature not one, but TWO fog machines.

Tickets are $15 and available at the door. For more information, go to The Acorn Theater website.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Sen. John McCain told workers at a small weapons factory that, if elected president, he wants to catch Osama Bin Laden and do what?"

20% said "...spit in his eye and punch him in the nose."
- I think he would only do that if Osama had been the son of a bitch that named him "Sue."

20% figured "...put women's underwear on his head."
- You know, I've yet to see how this is humiliating to anyone. But, of course, I guess it depends on whose underwear it is? Barbara Bush's? Ew.

No one thought "...bring him to justice."
- Yeah, I'm afraid justice just isn't one of those words being bandied about by most of the republican candidates.

60% hit the target with "...shoot him with your products."

According to The Boston Globe, republican presidential candidate John McCain told workers of a small weapons factory that "I will follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell and I will shoot him with your products." McCain told reporters afterward he was joking when he made the comment, "I would not shoot him myself." Too bad, I might just vote for a gun-totin' vigilante for the White House. People would be stopped from entering his inauguration if they didn't set off the metal detector.

Icky

Damn this cold. It's moving down into my chest and I have a sore throat. My head's primary export is mucus and I sound like a geriatric Lucille Ball.

As much as I hate getting sick and want to be pissed at my body for not being impervious to all germs, I have to give my body a break. It works. It's doing its job to fight this cold. The best thing I can do is try to get out of its way by resting, eating lightly, and hydrating. Yay, body! You go, girl! Er, boy.

Wednesday's my busiest day of the week with classes at Columbia and at Second City. So, I have to figure out what's going to be the best thing for me to do today that will care of me, my students, and my wallet.

Until then, here's a silly picture I found through Brett and Anthony are ...... Workin' for the Weekend.






THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"After digitally scanning the Mona Lisa, a French inventor claims she what?"

30% picked "Originally was a man"
- Hmmm....Morrie Lisa? Mona Lyle?

20% thought "Originally was scowling"
- She might have been after she found out what Leonardo did to her painting.

No one fell for my brilliant attempt at humor with "Is flashing gang signs"

50% got it right on the head with "Originally had eyebrows"

According to the BBC, Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa originally had eyebrows and eyelashes. Pascal Cotte, a French inventor, said his 240-megapixel scan revealed traces of facial hair obliterated by restoration efforts. Da Vinci changed his mind about the position of two fingers on her left hand, her face was originally wider and her smile more expressive. Da Vinci made the right choices. Look what was underneath...