A Political Runner

Topical humor in sketch revues can be risky. It relies on the audience being familiar with the subject and, being based on a current event, you run the risk of the heat of the topic being old news quickly. If you are a stand-up or working on a show that burns through a lot of material, topical humor is a great resource. Things never stop happening and, just like life, stupidity persists. There's always something to target. Works well for blogs, too.

Making sure the audience is aware of the subject is tricky. Sometimes you just have to trust that they are as aware as you are. And you'll find out rather quickly if they are not. One way to get around this is to let them know what you are poking a stick at. The Daily Show has a great format for this. Here's the news item and, now that we're all on the same page, we're going to brutally make fun of it.

What really got my goat up - my goat, apparently, has been lazing about for weeks - was Hillary's fear-mongering ad that likely gave her the edge in Texas and, gulp, my home state, Ohio.

If you are not familiar, the ad shows various children asleep while a phone rings in the background. Concerned parents check in on their kids while an ominous narrator talks about the phone ringing at 3am at the White House and who do you want to answer the phone? Someone with experience? Someone who already knows the world leaders? Someone who has been tested? Then it cuts to Hillary picking up a phone. Apparently, she was already up, because at 3am, she's in business attire and wearing her "serious" glasses.

Imagine the same ad, but instead of cutting to Hillary picking up at the end, I offer three different scenarios.

VERSION ONE

Narrator: (sfx: phone ringing) It's 3am at the White House. Who do you want to answer the phone?

(Cut to Hillary in bed picking up phone on the nightstand)

HILLARY: Hello?
BILL: (on phone) Hill, it's me, Bill. I'm at the back door.
HILLARY: What time is it?
BILL: The door's locked. Come let me in.
HILLARY: Where are your keys?
BILL: I lost them.
HILLARY: You lost them?
BILL: Yah. Must have been in my pants.
HILLARY: Your pants?
BILL: Oh, yah, lost them, too.
HILLARY: Be right there.
(Person in bed next to Hillary rolls over. It's Karl Rove.)
KARL: Who is it?
HILLARY: Don't worry about it, Karl. Just go back to bed.

(blackout)

VERSION TWO

Narrator: (sfx: phone ringing) It's 3am at the White House. Who do you want to answer the phone?

(Cut to Obama in bed picking up phone on the nightstand.)

OBAMA: Hello?.. Oh, hi.... No. No problem. I was up...Really...I see..
MICHELLE:(rolls over) Who is it, Baby?
OBAMA: (Covering phone) It's Delaware.
MICHELLE: What do they want?
OBAMA: They're just feeling lonely.
MICHELLE: Do they know what time it is?
OBAMA: (whispers)They're crying...Don't worry, honey, I won't be long. (She rolls back over to go to sleep. He returns to the phone.)...I think you're a very fine state...uh-hunh...Everybody likes you...I like you...uh-hunh...The new highway does not make you look fat...

(fade out)

I tried to think of a third one for John McCain, but all I could think of was him in front of a full length mirror drunk in his underwear practicing tai chi as the phone keeps ringing.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to contract what?"

50% said "bubonic plague"
- Not to be confused with the Ebonic plague, for which I dare not make a joke.

Another 50% said "a variety of STDs"
- A cocktail, if you will. And that's not salt around the rim.

No one thought it was "mono"

The correct answer, left unpicked, was "malaria"

According to the Associated Press, the Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to be bitten by mosquitoes infected with malaria. Scientists say no lives are in danger because the volunteers can be cured. The institute is testing which vaccines work fastest. The head of the program, Dr. Patrick Duffy, says volunteers will spend several nights under medical supervision in a hotel.

Hmmm, four grand, a few nights in a hotel. You only have to endure some nausea and vomiting along with fatigue and sweats. In other words, SPRING BREAK!!!

The BS News Quiz of the Day

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Professor Benny Shanon, when God spoke to Moses on Mt. Sinai, Moses was what?"

33% said "Lonely"
- Isn't that when all of us end up talking to God? Or the cat?

22% said "Tired from all that walking"
- The 11th commandment, Thou Shalt Use Mapquest.

11% said "Very hungry"
-Man cannot live on unleavened bread alone.

34% got it right with "High on drugs"

According to the AFP, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, Benny Shanon, an Israeli researcher, claimed in a study published this week. Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times. Guess that explains why the original tablets had each commandment ending in "..., dude." That shalt not kill, dude. Also explains why the ark of the covenant had such head melting properties in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fear Still Works

Hillary won three out of four states yesterday, albeit by a narrow margin. Many political analyzers attribute her edge to a campaign commercial where we hear a phone ringing at the White House at 3am while we see recession-proof children nestled in their beds. "Who do you want to answer the phone?" the ad asks. The phone keeps ringing, naturally creating an anxious feeling inside the viewer. Hillary's trying to tell us that we want her on that wall. Who is else is going to do it? You, Obama?

Rather than demonstrating a new way to lead in Washington, Hillary is telling us that whether we're Republican or Democrat, we can count on the same old crap from her. Which is good, because like too many an abused housewife, we get out of one bad relationship only to go back into another one. Electing Hillary keeps our abuse cycle going strong.

One state tired of the abuse is Vermont. Not only did they vote for Barack yesterday, two Vermont towns officially declared George W. Bush and Dick Cheney war criminals and have claimed the right to arrest them if either ever come to their towns. How about that? A sitting president and vice-president being told they are not welcome and will be treated like the crooks that they are if the come around. From an MSNBC article...

Voters interviewed after casting ballots said they saw the article as an opportunity to express their frustration over the war in Iraq and Bush's tenure in general.

Which brings me to yesterday.

Thank you everyone who participated in the "Impeach Bush Now!" cyber shout.

A Google search for "Impeach Bush Now" has it up to 51, 200 - up 800 from the last time I checked. Just "Impeach Bush" still gets well over a million hits.

What's interesting, is that most of the hits are from grassroots websites and blogs. When it does show up in a news media source, it's either Keith Olbermann, The Huffington Post or a quote from a celebrity in an interview. What's sadly missing is a strong presence for impeachment in the major news organizations across the country or from any politician other than Dennis Kuccinich.

Yet, there are reports of people taking action at the city and town level, as in Vermont, which is inspiring. The will of the people is being greatly and grievously ignored by Washington and the media conglomerates. But that doesn't mean it has to stop. They're trying to tell us "Hey, it's almost over. Just try to relax and enjoy it." Well, guess what? A bigger crime than anything Bush has done, is to let him ride out his term and then walk off into retirement to write his pop-up memoirs.

While working on the "One Message. Loud and Clear." project, I discovered a multitude of websites devoted to reinstating justice in our country. One of the best is Democrats.com, where you can sign petitions and have your message sent to your own state's representatives. I strongly encourage you to do this. It barely takes a minute. Congressmen and women do track the issues that come in to their office and how people feel about them. One of the best websites for comprehensive and easy-to-digest information on impeachment and related current events is After Downing Street.

Don't give up hope. Unless its 3am and the phone is ringing in the White House and Hillary answers. But then, again, it's probably just Bill saying he needs a ride home from the bar. "Please come get me, darlin'. And bring me some pants. Lost mine."




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An Iranian court has ordered Shahin to give his wife Hengameh the dowry he promised her comprised of what?"

37% said ""Antique" furniture from the '70's"
- That's called Ikea.

25% said "Six dozen goats and one cow"
- Sorry. Too old school.

Another 25% said "A Buick"
- It's been in the family for generations and must be pulled by camel.

12% got it right with "124, 000 roses"

According to the BBC, an Iranian court has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised in her dowry, after she filed a complaint to claim it, reports say. The woman said she was claiming the dowry because her "very stingy husband" would not even pay for a cup of coffee, according to the E'temad newspaper. The court has seized the man's flat until he produces all of the roses. Under Iranian law, a woman can claim her dowry, or mahr, at any time during a marriage or when getting divorced. The cost of a single rose in Iran is $2. So, this is going to cost this chump $248, 000 bucks. Dude, should have bought her that cup of coffee.

One Message. Loud and Clear.

Well said, Mr. Hall. Spread the word.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"11-year-old Sajani Shakya from Nepal is retiring early from her position as what?"

15% said "A Bollywood star"
- She's the Dakota Fanning of India.

10% said "Top Girl Scout Cookie Seller"
- Mmmm, try the samosas. Peas, carrots, potatoes and chocolate mint.

No one went for "A TV spokesperson"

75% got it right with "A living goddess"

According to the BBC, a young girl worshipped in Nepal as a living goddess has retired early from this ritual status. Eleven-year-old Sajani Shakya is one of the three most revered living goddesses or Kumaris. For centuries the three major cities of the Kathmandu valley and a few smaller towns have upheld a unique tradition whereby a girl is chosen in infancy to be a Kumari. To become a living goddess she has to pass ritual tests and have 32 beautiful physical attributes. She will then live in a special house and be worshipped by both Buddhists and Hindus, including the king of Nepal, until the onset of her menstruation. That is deemed to make her human, so she retires.

A lot of people think that last part really messes them up. "You're special til you start bleeding. No more worship for you!" But it's really that goddess competition in infancy that screws with them. The pressure to have 32 beautiful attributes."Sorry, your baby only has 31 beautiful attributes. Her thighs are too pudgy for a goddess." The swimsuit competition is brutal. The baby losers usually go into these horrendous shame spirals - throwing their ba-bas at the TV whenever the winning goddess appears.

External Writing

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

The assignment this week is to randomly throw together a word, an image and an object and from that develop a scene. This is a good way to exercise developing material through influence and suggestion rather than waiting for good idea to pop up in your brain toaster,

For the word, any book will do, but I think a dictionary works best. Just open it up, stick your finger in it and see what word your are pointing at. Try to resist the temptation to shop around until you find the "right" word. I just grabbed a book off the shelf behind me called The Cynic's Lexicon, a book of quotes, co,piled by Jonathan Green. I opened it up at random and and my index finger pointed at the word "selfish."

For the image, I recommend a coffee table book. I don't think a photo album is good for this assignment, unless it belongs to someone else. If you're familiar with the subjects, it will lock you in too much on what your scene can be about. Here's an image chosen at random from a book of album covers...



For the object, I recommend opening up a junk drawer or an old box in the attic, basement or the back of the closet. I think it's important the the object be small enough for you to be able to hold in your hand. I found a candle. A tapered white candle, burned about a fourth of the way down.

So, my three things are the word "selfish," a picture of three guys, perhaps Lifesavas, from a movie called "Gutterfly," and a candle.

Now let those three forces start doing the work in your imagination. I'm already imagining a guy in New York who is desperate to rise to stardom, but can't even afford, or isn't willing to spend money on, things like utilities. Or a smooth operator who invites a lady over and she finds his apartment full of candles. At first she thinks this is romantic, but then she discovers his electricity was shut off.



ONE MESSAGE. LOUD AND CLEAR. TOMORROW!

"Impeach Bush Now"
Google hits: 50,500
(up 200 from Friday)

If you just search "impeach Bush,"
it's 1,760,000 hits

Tuesday, March 4th - get your voice heard by creating a worldwide Cyber Shout. Post on your blog, message boards, comment sections, wherever you can, "Impeach Bush Now!"

In my latest Google search I found what looks to be a very well written book called Impeach the President by Dennis Loo and Peter Phillips.Dennis also has an excellent insightful blog that you can find HERE.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Friday I asked...

"Sheetz convenience stores in Pennsylvania have upset many customers over the new ad slogan for their chicken sandwich, which is what?"

28% said "Go ahead. Lick it."
- That line never worked for me, either.

No one selected "Try rubbing it." or "Everything but the butt."
- Although, I would be more inclined to try an animal product if I knew it was sans anus.

73% got it right with "Crispy Frickin' Chicken"

According to the AP, a convenience store chain's billboard advertising its fried chicken sandwich is ruffling the feathers of some residents. Sheetz unveiled the "Crispy Frickin' Chicken" billboards at the beginning of February. The campaign is aimed at young adults, and the company did not intend to offend anyone, Sheetz said.

I never considered "frickin'" much of a swear word. It's sort of like "heck," to me. A friendly alternative to saying the worse word. The fact that people waste their time and energy working themselves up into a tizzy over such a thing is mind-boggling to me. Aren't there more important things to angry about? If the people who called and complained about these billboards put as much effort into booting Bush out of office, maybe we'd get somewhere.

Saturday

ROBOWRITERS TODAY

RoboWriters.1pm - 3pm. Gorilla Tango. 1919 N. Milwaukee near Western. $5. Be there. Foo'.


ONE MESSAGE. LOUD AND CLEAR.

"Impeach Bush Now"
Google hits: 50,300
(up 200 from Wednesday)

If you just search "impeach Bush,"
it's 1,760,000 hits

Tuesday, March 4th - get your voice heard by creating a worldwide Cyber Shout. Post on your blog, message boards, comment sections, wherever you can, "Impeach Bush Now!"

A website called Sustainable Enterprises considers Governor Bush the least sustainable president ever and calls for impeachment. Click here to find out why.



HEY, IT'S SATURDAY!

Lighten up, already.

This will help...

Looking for Poetry on the Ground

I am notoriously curious. It is in my nature. As a kid, I would always get in trouble for running ahead of everyone or wandering off. Especially at shopping malls and amusement parks. I would be a modern day parent's nightmare. I would be stuffed with Ritalin and strapped into a harness and leash. Thank God people didn't know how to properly raise kids when I was growing up.

I still have the same pull towards exploration. When traveling, I will always make time, usually early in the morning, to walk around the neighborhood. And no matter where I am, I always check out the sidewalk or the floor. I find some interesting things this way; a twenty dollar bill, a grocery list, a business card for stump grinding, and just a few days ago, a poem.

What's interesting about this poem is that someone didn't lose it. They left it to be found. I was in the alcove of a coffee shop when I saw an envelope on top of a stack of outdated free newspapers. Handwritten on the envelope, half printed, half cursive, was...

Fourteen: one free poem

And here it is (click to enlarge)....



Is it a good poem or not? I'll leave that up to you. I like the last line. Go ahead an e-mail M. L. Lachney while I look around for another poem on the ground.


ONE MESSAGE. LOUD AND CLEAR.

"Impeach Bush Now"
Google hits: 50,300
(up 200 from Wednesday)

Tuesday, March 4th - get your voice heard by creating a worldwide Cyber Shout. Post on your blog, message boards, comment sections, wherever you can, "Impeach Bush Now!"

What's interesting that I hadn't noticed before is how many videos pop up when you search "impeach Bush now." Didn't get your morning cup of coffee? Fear not, here's rebel comic George Carlin to wake your ass up.





ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW

RoboWriters. Saturday. 1pm - 3pm. Gorilla Tango. 1919 N. Milwaukee near Western. $5. Be there. Foo'.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Police officers in Vancouver, Washington engaged in a chase with Stephen Ray Castor who was driving a what?"

75% said, or at least hoped, it was "Segway"
- "Try to block him off! Lean, dammit, lean like the wind!"

25% said "Unicycle"
- But really it was the juggling while intoxicated that raised the police's ire.

No one thought it was a "Golf Cart"

And no one picked the right answer, either. "Lawn Mower"

According to The Columbian, Stephen Ray Castor, 53, allegedly broke a window of a man’s home in the 700 block of West 27th Street with a lawn chair, then led police on a 3-mph pursuit in a riding lawn mower about 5 p.m. Monday. It was a dangerous low-speed chase. The police were finally able to apprehend Castor by, well, walking up to him and grabbing him. Whew!