Grave Robbing Is In Vogue, Again

The BS News Quiz of the Day

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, there is a nationwide rise in grave robberies and the main target of thievery is what?"

55% said "Diamond Rings"
- Why be buried with diamonds any way? Who they trying to impress? The worms?

22% said "Gold Teeth"
- Rogue gangs of cosmetic dentists trying to recoup their losses.

No one said "Crystal Skulls"

23% got it right with "Vases"

According to The St. Louis Post-Dispatch, gone are the days when enterprising thieves would dig up an old grave and pillage for gold teeth and rings. Today, it's mostly the bronze markers and flower vases that draw their attention. Rising scrap metal prices, coupled with the lagging economy, have triggered a string of cemetery thefts both locally and across the nation.

Relatives of the deceased are, of course, angry, but also have a reason to feel guilty. One of the cemetary managers said vases that had flowers in them were left alone.

This just bolsters my argument for biodegradable cemetaries. Not only should the casket be made out of high quality cardboard, but so should the headstone. Then once a year, til the soil and bury a whole new crop of people.

Tastes Like French Fries

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to a senior democrat, Bill Clinton said Barack Obama could do what to get his support?"

50% said "Just say the word."
- Not exactly sure what that word is, but it's definition is something like "...you said horrible things about me and now I need you to say nice things about me to get elected."

No one went for "Apologize in public for dissing me." or "Make my wife vice-president."

50% got it right on the money with "Kiss my ass."

According to The Telegraph-UK, Bill Clinton is so bitter about Barack Obama's victory over his wife Hillary that he has told friends the Democratic nominee will have to beg for his wholehearted support. A senior Democrat who worked for Mr Clinton has revealed that he recently told friends Mr. Obama could "kiss my ass" in return for his support.

How long does it take to kiss Bill Clinton's ass? 20 minutes.

According to The Huffington Post, yesterday, in their first conversation since the end of the heated primary, former President Clinton agreed to campaign for the candidate he portrayed as inexperienced for a presidential run. The 20-minute conversation was the latest step in bringing together the two warring camps.

Barack showed up a with cigar and wearing a blue dress.

Fried Bullets

According to The New York Times, an average of 81 people a day in this country die from gunfire. This statistic does not include injuries.

Last week, the Supreme court held up as constitutional, the right for Americans to own handguns.

According to the American Heart Association, an average of 2,300 people a day die from heart disease.

Tomorrow, New York bans the use of trans fat in all restaurants.

In the realm of dietary dangers, trans fats rank very high. It has been estimated that trans fats are responsible for some 30,000 early deaths a year in the United States. Worldwide the toll of premature deaths is in the millions.

We're on the right track here. The evidence is clear. Americans are responsible enough to keep firearms, but not order for themselves in a restaurant.

Last year alone, a man in Queens accidentally killed his wife while cleaning his onion ring. Realizing how much more lethal trans-fats are, gangs are expected to load up on butter pats and sling shots. Drive by shootings will now be known as drive-thru shootings. The NRA is grateful for the courts revelations and, as such, has started a new campaign.

"Guns don't kill, french fries do."


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"The Starlight Theater in Wilmette, Illinois has canceled its production of the musical 'Ragtime' because of what?"

28% said "Couldn't find enough black actors in Wilmette."
- Wilmette has black people. They just aren't black enough.

15% said "Thought it had more ragtime in it."
- Hey, that was my complaint. More Coalhouse jamming on the piano and less Coalhouse blowing things up.

No one thought anyone was dumb enough for "Confused it for "Menopause: the Musical."

57% got it right with "It uses the N-word."

According to The Chicago Sun-Times, Wilmette Park District Executive Director Tom Grisamore said he made the decision to pull the show 12 days after learning the details of dialogue and lyrics that include use of the "n-word." Licensing agents for the show declined a request to rewrite parts of the lyrics, so it was dropped.

Hey, Grisamore - Exactly how would they rewrite the "n-word" and keep the same impact? "Make him apologize for calling me a ruffian!" doesn't quite pack the same punch. Idiot.

Don't Tell Nat!

Thanks, Paul!

See Less Evil or From "C" to Shining "C"

The Toronto Star reported yesterday...

North Korea, one of the world's most secretive countries, moved a step closer to the international fold yesterday by handing in an overdue account of its nuclear activities.

"Today, we have taken a step toward a nuclear-free Korean peninsula," said U.S. President George W. Bush, adding that, in a policy of "action for action," Washington would lift some trade sanctions and end Pyongyang's designation as a state sponsor of terrorism within 45 days.

Read the rest of the article HERE.

What will become of Bush's Axis of Evil, that pole upon which evil spins like a diabolical mirrored disco ball of mayhem? Iraq has been handled, right? Iran is being dealt with. Now, North Korea is off the hook?

Well, let's take a closer look at this, shall we?

Bush, self-proclaimed "The Decider," based his decision on an account submitted by North Korea that was six months late. Given our president partied his way through Harvard with a "C" average, his decision is not surprising.

For most rational people, the missed deadline alone would merit a "no pass" unless accompanied by a doctor's note or death certificate. Since North Korea's roommate, South Korea, did not commit suicide, they cannot claim any type of bereavement exemption.

The actual document accounting the nuclear program is itself under criticism.

I have seen the document and it raises a lot of familiar red flags to this college professor. Here's what makes the paper so suspect to accuracy...

- Even though late, telltale coffee stains and chocolate smudges suggest North Korea pulled an all nighter to get it in.

- It is riddled with typos. Nuclear is spelled nukler. (Bush, of course, thought this was correct)

- A large segment explaining uranium production lifted directly from Wikipedia.

- Name at top of paper clearly written over Wite-Out.

- Last paragraph blatantly sucks up to Bush as being an "awesome" world leader who has opened North Korea's eyes and taught them a lot of stuff they'll remember for a real long time.

- Kim Jong Il sent the document to Bush along with a Harry and David's Moose Munch Party Drum.(By the way, this tactic always works with me in preventing a failing grade.)

Our "president" didn't get to where he is by honoring accurate, complete and on-time work. He goes with his gut. North Korea is no longer evil. Just a little uppity.



ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW!

Robowriters meets Saturday at 1pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee. $5. It is open to everyone. Come have a sketch read or come get ideas for new scenes.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Spanish Parliament has approved a resolution extending rights to life and freedom to whom?"

33% said "Basques"
- Touchy subject. Basques have those rights as long as they don't ask for them.

22% said "Gays"
- Spaniards are by nature already a little gay. Check out their hats and matador outfits.

12% said "Jews"
- They are only covered when they vacation there in the summer.

33% got it right with "Apes"

According to Reuters, Spain's parliament voiced its support on Wednesday for the rights of great apes to life and freedom in what will apparently be the first time any national legislature has called for such rights for non-humans.

Keeping apes for animal testing, circuses, television commercials or filming will also be forbidden and breaking the new laws will become an offense under Spain's penal code.

The resolution has made apes very happy while simultaneously pissing off a lot of bulls.

The World Is Now Formally Less Evil

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Spanish Parliament has approved a resolution extending rights to life and freedom to whom?"

Dubious Dubai

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Wow! Which of the following is NOT a feature planned for an 80-story building by architect Dr. David Fisher to be built in Dubai?"

50% said "Each floor rotates"
- This is its main feature because, for some reason, they think a perpetual vomit-inducer is a good idea.

No one went for "Entire building is powered by wind turbines" or "Penthouse residents can park cars in their apartments"

50% got it right with what the building will NOT have and that's "Five stories devoted to an indoor rainforest"

According to CBS News, Italian architect Dr. David Fisher announced on Tuesday the launch of a revolutionary skyscraper in Dubai dubbed as the "world's first building in motion," an 80-story tower with revolving floors that give it an ever-shifting shape.

Sales of individual apartments will begin in September, with asking prices of around $3,000 per square foot. The smallest, at 1,330 square feet, would cost about $4 million and the largest, a 12,900-square-foot villa, $38.7 million.

I already live like this. The wooden floors in my crappy ass apartment are starting to warp. Don't tell my landlord. He'll jack up the price.