The Secret to A Successful Relationship

With the onslaught of people in my life breaking up or getting divorced (the legal term for breaking up), I started thinking about my long track record of relationships.

Last Monday, the two Dons (my brother and Mr. Hall) and I had lunch and the conversation shifted to the necessity of marriage. It ain't. We don't need marriage to make the world turn. In fact, like organized religion, one could argue it causes more harm than good. Especially when kids are involved.

So, if it's not necessary, what's the point of marriage, or any significant relationship, for that matter?

I remembered what a friend told me in college during a rather difficult break up. I didn't get it then. I get it now.

The point of a relationship is recreation.

Nothing fancy going on with the word "recreation." This isn't any personal growth mumbo-jumbo about re-creating each other. I mean recreation.

recreation
noun
1.	an activity that diverts or amuses or stimulates; "scuba diving is provided as a diversion for tourists"; "for recreation he wrote poetry and solved crossword puzzles" [syn: diversion]
2.	activity that refreshes and recreates; activity that renews your health and spirits by enjoyment and relaxation; "time for rest and refreshment by the pool"; "days of joyous recreation with his friends" [syn: refreshment]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

Relationships are playtime. When I think about some of my more important adult relationships, they worked well when we played well together. They didn't work well whenever I was trying to get the other person to do something I thought was fun and they did not.

There's the day-to-day stuff of relationships that need to work well, but isn't that playing, too? Like playing house. Bad stuff happens to people and that's not fun. That's when you take care of one another so that you can get back to playing.

Dreamy physical movie romance attraction isn't enough. I am no longer searching for a soul mate. I'm searching for a play mate.

(I hate Blogger, sometimes. I am now writing in italics and can't make it stop!)


MORE STUFF FOR SALE!

(THIS BENCH HAS BEEN SOLD!)




This is a bench I bought at Cost Plus World Market. I love that place. I could live there. It's a sturdy thang. It's four feet wide, two-and-a-half feet high, sixteen-and-a-half inches deep. I think it's made out of pine. Like I said, sturdy. I have had it eight years and never had a problem with it. It's not comfortable, but functional. I bought it initially to keep in a foyer to make it easier to take off shoes and boots.




It has a storage bench that you can use to store shoes, extra blankets, whatever. There's a lot of room in there. When I emptied it out, it was full of framed pictures that we never got around to hanging.

I paid $150 for it. I'm asking for $75. Interested? Shoot me an e-mail. joejanes1065@comcast.net.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Maxim magazine recently named the worst professional comedians of all time. Coming in at number one was who?"

47% said "Carrot Top"
- Carrot Top? Not funny? Oh, you saw Chairman of the Board, too.

47% also said "Pauly Shore"
-Hey, now. The Weasel has had his moments. Just not many of them.

6% said "John McCain"
-I'd think he was funnier of the polls weren't so close.

No one got the right answer, "Sinbad"

According to Maxim, the number one Worst Professional Comedian of All Time is Sinbad.

We're not sure what we hate most about Sinbad. Is it the neon pants, the annoying dangly earring, the oversized Reeboks, or the fact that he doesn't drink? Oh, wait, now we know. It's the shitty jokes that he always tells. That's what we hate most about Sinbad.

Lists like this are, of course, bullshit. For crying out loud, their list included Paula Poundstone who is one of the most brilliant comedic minds out there. Their list did also include Kathy Griffin and Sandra Bernhard, both of whom make my scrotum squinch up when they speak. And their list did NOT include Pauly Shore or Carrot Top!

I agree with them on Sinbad, though. In stand-up, there are guys who carefully craft their material (Shandling, Gaffigan, Carlin) and then there are guys who are just the life of the party. Their whole gig is just working the crowd, making sure everyone's having a good time. It's a skill, but it's more like a host than a comedian. I can quote those other guys. I can't quote Sinbad.

I wonder if they took his film career in to account?

Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Don Janes...

Don is seen here learning to cope with taking care his mentally challenged brother, Corky Janes. Merrie Greenfield disavows knowledge of taking this picture.

Because my brother has been hogging his computer, you are more current with his blog than I am. So, please forgive any any repetitive redundancies.

Despite the five hour train delay at the onset of my adventure, and even though I failed to receive a check that had been specifically budgeted for my vacation because some wing-ding mailed it to a city in which I have never lived, it's been a most excellent trip.

The weather has been ideal. Joe has been an exemplary host. (Of course, I've been a near perfect guest.) Houdini, Joe's 4am alarm cat, well, I think I'll let him slide, only because he does stop meowing every 30 minutes.

Gotta admit, I'm still in awe of a place like Chicago. So many people, so much culture. And them there buildings is purty dang big! Ok, I must officially express my disgust with learning that Donald Trump is building a structure destined to exceed the height of the Sears Tower.

Even though I dubbed this my 3M vacation (Museums, Movies, Meals), the fun began with getting to watch Joe in the sterling WNEP production of Metaluna. Absolutely brilliant stuff. Great performances by everyone in the cast. I definitely give it two "hairmps" up. But, just to reveal my true rural side, here's what I'll probably tell my posse back home first - I MET ONE OF THE JOKER'S HENCHMEN. (I can only hope for forgiveness from the rest of the truly talented members of the production, especially since I helped strike the set after closing.) See, the thing was, I met David on Saturday and then saw him the Dark Knight movie on Monday - IN IMAX! Well, there you go.

The Dark Knight may not even have been the best movie I watched, but the worst was definitely Baghead. After Joe vicariously recommended it, I barely managed to stay awake through it. Do not waste your money. Don Hall will back me up on this.

The museums, and I include The Shedd in this category, have been worth every penny Joe or I or no one (thanks Gabe) have paid. Joe refers to this type of culture indulgence as "touristy" but nothing could be further from the truth. If you live here, enjoy what you have. Mind you, once every other year is likely sufficient, but there are invaluable displays of art and history at your doorstep. Do not take these for granted. The closest thing to culture we have in Ottawa County, Ohio is the Walleye Drop on New Year's Eve.

Other Chicago observations:

I still get a puerile kick out of seeing a sign that says "Speed Hump."
I'm still easily confused by the Brown, Red, Blue, Orange, Pink, and Purple lines.
Part of the solution to the homeless problem here is to ban benches.
Riding a bicycle on the streets of this town is ballsy. Doing it while talking on a cell phone is just plain nuts.
The El (is that the proper spelling?) really needs the same overhead straps used by the buses.
The RedEye needs to toughen up its crossword puzzle.

Well, I enter my last couple days here with only $30 cash in my pocket, but a rejuvenated debit card, so I plan on closing strong. Having to stretch my money has kept me out of the bars, but that's about the only thing I may have done differently. Next time, and I certainly hope there will be a next time, I plan on doing some extremely touristy things. Stay tuned.

- Don

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A 37-year-old woman from a Milwaukee suburb celebrated her birthday by helping her 17-year-old son do what?"

15% said "have a baby"
- Not even sure how the logic works out on this one. She's pregnant? He's pregnant? Leave me alone. I'm tired. Too many touristy museums in one week.

9% said "finish high school"
- She'd be more on board for this if it was "finish high school OFF!"

Everyone wisely avoided "eat their weight in pie"

76% got it right with "rob a gas station"

According to The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, a 17-year-old in town from Chicago for his mother's birthday is suspected of robbing two gas stations in Greenfield and Milwaukee at gunpoint before he and his mother - suspected of being the getaway driver - were captured by Greenfield police Tuesday night. Others along for the ride? The woman's three other children, a 13-month-old girl and two boys, ages 10 and 14, were in the woman's car, according to Greenfield police. Police said the younger boys were aware that their older brother was robbing businesses after planning the holdups with their 37-year-old mother.

You know, at my age, I find this horrible. Absolutely reprehensible. Everything that's wring with this country. Why was this woman allowed to spawn? However, if I were 17, I would think I had the coolest mom in the world.

Shedding the Aquarium

No pics from Shedd. They do this really lame thing for souvenir photos. They have a green screen you can stand in front of and they can insert various parts of the museum in the background. No props, no costumes, either. So, you can't even pretend to be feeding or riding a whale.

The food was much better than The Museum of Science and Industry, however. But the place is also smaller. We were out of there by 1pm. Not complaining, though. They have a lot of mouths to feed. The dollar-to-minute ratio is going to be skewed compared to the MSI.

I thought everything was cool, here. Especially the lizard exhibit and Wild Reef.

Today, The Field Museum during the day and then I go teach a class while my brother hits The Art Institute.

No promises, but I'll see if he wants to do a guest post for tomorrow.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Recently deceased Angel Pantoja of Puerto Rico received his last wish when the funeral home arranged for him to be what at his wake?"

27% said "dressed in a chicken costume"
- A Furry Funeral?

18% said "made into a lamp"
- Someone took shop class in high school a little too seriously.

No one said "covered in Post-It notes from loved ones"
- If nobody takes this idea, I'm all over it. Did I mention I would also be naked?

55% got it right with "standing up and wearing his Yankees hat"

According to The Associated Press, a funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake.

Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, Pantoja was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother's living room.

His brother Carlos told the El Nuevo Dia newspaper the victim had long said he wanted to be upright for his own wake: "He wanted to be happy, standing."

Not sure why they stood him in a corner, except to scare the crap out of anyone coming around that doorway. And behind a plant? It does make me wonder what they did with his hands. Hmm, add that to my Post-It note request.

The Museum of Science and Brainwashing

Yesterday, my brother Don and I spent the day at The Museum of Science and Industry. Some really cool stuff and some not really cool stuff. The cool stuff involved the Mold-O-Ramas! I'm holding my Mold-O-Rama submarine in the picture above.

Here's a close-up from a website devoted to the art that is Mold-O-Rama!


Here's a picture of a Mold-O-Rama Machine...


The machine says 25 cents, as they were back in the day. The machine at MSI looks just the same. The only advance in design and technology is in its ability to accept dollar bills and charge $1.50.

The Cool Stuff: The Coal Mine Tour, The Poop Happens Show, that thing with the big globe in the center of the room, The Smart Home Tour, The U-Boat Tour.

The Not-So-Cool Stuff: A section devoted to the farm industry that promoted factory farming - trying to make it seem quaint - and GMO's to children, overpriced and lame museum food, the crappy dinosaur movie at the Omnimax (I dozed off a few times) - come on folks, if you can't do CGI well, then why throw it up on a giant five-story screen.

Still, we had a great time. Gabe Garza is a good friend of mine who works there and, if you get the chance, seek him out for the U-Boat Tour. The man really throws himself into it and makes you feel like none of you may come out the boat alive - in a good way, not a psycho wielding a knife way.

We topped off the day by heading to Argyle Street and hitting Tank Noodles. My poor sheltered brother had never experienced such a place and is dying to go back. Tank rocks.

Today - The Shedd Aquarium!

THAT BREEDERS VIDEO

Got an e-mail from Steve Delahoyde, the co-director and main man behind the project. The Breeders have put it up on their website in its fully intended glory. You have the ability to toggle between four different perspectives of the video. Pretty cool.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In order to raise awareness of HIV prevention in India, the charity organization BBC Word Service Trust recently introduced what?"

44% said "celebrity condom endorsements"
- Its effectiveness would depend on the celebrity. Angelina Jolie wants me to buy a condom? Be right back. Ann Coulter wants me to buy a condom? Let me grab a kitchen knife.

12% said "people dressed as condoms passing out condoms"
- Walking down an overcrowded, dirty street in India, that's the only way I'd dress.

No one bought "free condoms with Happy Meals"
- Seemed like a good idea to me. A gentle reminder to the parents what could have been.

44% got it right with "condom ringtones"

According to the AFP, a cellphone ringtone that chants "condom, condom!" has been launched in India to promote safe sex and tackle the growing HIV/AIDS epidemic.

The "condom a cappella" has been designed to break down Indians' reluctance to discuss condom use and to make wearing a condom more acceptable.

Probably not something you want to have go off on a first date. Or have your girlfriend find out that you have her sister's number assigned to it.

The ringtone itself is pretty funny, as it is intended to be. You can hear it HERE.

Today - The Museum Part

So far, my brother and I have eaten out in a lot of restaurants and have seen a few movies. Today, we hit the Museum of Science and Industry. The last time I was there, they had these souvenir machines where you put in a quarter and these two metal blocks under a clear plastic bubble would press together, the machine would be a-humming, and when the blocks separated, a plastic toy would be there. Then another piece of metal would push it into a basket from which you retrieved it. The toy would still be warm from the process. Just a piece of cheap, molded plastic, but the kind of thing I remember from my childhood. The Toledo Zoo used to have them. (Yes, Toledo, Ohio has a zoo. It features a muskrat, a opossum, a stray one-eyed dog and the petting zoo is some hairy fat guy with his pants leg rolled up. No snakes. Just a belt hanging off a stick.)

Yesterday, we saw The Dark Knight in iMax. Way cool. Then we ate at Karyn's Raw Cafe restaurant which is very good and, gulp, very expensive. I think we'll go cheaper today. Maybe Tank Noodle or Soul Vegetarian, since we'll already be on the south side.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In order to address the gender imbalance in his town, the mayor of Mount Isa in Australia has generated some controversy by encouraging what?"

22% said "Vows of celibacy"
- It's a mining town. Their jobs are metaphors for not abstaining.

12% said "Men start dating other men"
- Or at least work out a weekly rotation of who gets to wear the pretty pink dress and blond wig.

No one said "Cuddling with koalas"
- They're too mean for that. Not the miners, the koalas.

66% got it right with "Ugly women move to his town"

According to the AFP, the mayor of an Australian outback mining town has come under fire for urging unattractive women to move in, assuring them they will find a man because there is a shortage of women.

John Moloney, mayor of Mount Isa in northwestern Queensland, told a newspaper his town was a place for "ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and called on the "beauty-disadvantaged" to flock there.

Mount Isa city councillor Gary Asmus said that while there was a shortage of women, Moloney's comments were an insult to the town's menfolk.

Apparently, he thinks the men can do better. He even passed legislation to have the city erect this sign at the town's border...

Movies, Museums and Meals

Don Janes and Joe Janes. I'm the one on the left. I mean right. Photo by Merrie Greenfield.

My brother is in town. Here we are at the closing night party of Metaluna. I'm excited that he's able to stay in town for a week and that he got to see Metaluna and hang out with folks that are very dear to me. The game plan this week is to cram in as many movies, museums and meals as we can. Don still lives in Port Clinton, Ohio where there is a bit of a void in all three of those areas, especially the culinary options. He's also become a healthier eater over the last year meaning he's actually encouraging me to take him to places like Karyn's Raw Foods. "Uncooked" at restaurants in Ohio means "frozen and not in the fryer, yet."


Metaluna (Sigh)



It's over. Mr. Hall wrote a lovely summation of it all over at AWG. It was a privilege to be in it with Don reprising his role as Mayor Armitage Shanks. Having Jen Ellison masterfully direct such a high class group of actors and crew was more than many playwrights ever get to see done with their work. I made new friends, deepened relationships with old ones and introduced some folks to Dada and vaudeville.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE WEEK

On Friday, I asked...

"Fort Hays State University debate team coach William Shanahan got into an argument at a competition with Shanara Reid-Brinkley, the coach from University of Pittsburgh. When Shanahan was at a loss for words, he did what?"

6% said "Punched her"
- This is what they refer to as extemporaneous.

13% said "Threw the lectern out the window"
- When words fail, destroy property. It's the American way.

20% said "Stuck his tongue out at her"
- And then he went and told his mommy.

60% got it right with "Dropped his drawers"

According to The Associated Press, an argument between two debate coaches that was caught on video was not the sharp-witted dialogue typically associated with college debate teams. Instead, the two traded profanity-laced barbs and one of them pulled down his shorts, exposing his underwear.

In the video, Fort Hays State University debate coach William Shanahan is shown arguing with Shanara Reid-Brinkley, debate coach at the University of Pittsburgh, during the competition's quarterfinals.

The argument, which appears to be at least in part about race, is punctuated with frequent cursing and name-calling. Shanahan, who is white, and Reid-Brinkley, who is black, scream criticisms about one another's body language during students' debates.

Hmmm, did they say video?

God bless YouTube. It's safe to play this at work, FYI. It's from a newscast that bleeped everything out. The original unedited tape can be found HERE.

Meatlocker

Bob Fisher is working on a fun project over at The Mammals. He wrote a cool Rod Serling-esque boxing play called Meatlocker last year. Instead of jumping into a production, he's working the story out by turning it into a graphic novel first.

Here's me as Benny the Booker!



Here's Dave Goss as the boxer known only as Meatlocker.



I'll keep you posted on updates.

THIS WEEKEND

My brother is coming in town to vacation here for a week. Vacation means sleeping on an air mattress in my apartment, doing lots of touristy stuff, seeing the closing weekend of Metaluna, and drinking a lot. Oh, and seeing The Dark Knight in iMax! I'm meeting him at Union Station this morning and then treating him to breakfast at Lou Mitchell's.



SELLING STUFF

No sale on the ring yesterday, so it's now up on Craig's List. I'll be selling more stuff, too. I'm moving in a month and a half and I feel the need to purge and start over. I would be fine if my move consisted of one suitcase, my laptop and one cat under each arm.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to The Office of National Statistics in England last year, one of the most popular baby girl's names is what?"

20% said "Edna"
- You have to be born an aunt to get the name Edna.

20% said "Gertrude"
- The problem with this name is that you are stuck being called "Gert" or "Trudy." You're either going to be the elder stateswoman on a lesbian bowling team or a bobby soxer.

No one said "Irene"

60% got it right with "Ruby"

According to the BBC News, some traditional names such as Edna and Norman are in danger of dying out in England and Wales, research suggests. In 1907, 1,048 babies were named Gertrude but none were in 2005. The Office for National Statistics says the most popular baby names last year were Jack, Thomas and Oliver for boys and Grace, Ruby and Olivia for girls.

I had no idea the name "Ruby" was so popular. I have met a Grace and Olivia before. Hell, I have even met an Edna, Irene and a Gertrude, but I have never met a Ruby. The article doesn't explain why that name has picked up so much steam over there. The only famous Ruby I know is Ruby Dee, the American actress. This is clearly a ploy on England's part to widen the cultural wedge between our two countries!