Shakespeare, Improvis-ed

THE IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE COMPANY

Tonight at iO in the Del Close Theater. Tickets are $15 and they usually sell out. Get there early or buy them on-line.

Dost thou wish to see me strut across the boards in wanton abandon? Then be there good sir or madam, tonight!

I haven't done ISC in about a year! Come see me blow the rust off my codpiece. Joining me will be my good friends Ric Walker, Brendan Dowling and Nick Wagner.

Not able to make it or have never seen it?

It's sort of like this. Complete with screaming girls and jealous male hecklers.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Italian comedienne Sabina Guzzanti faces possible prison time for doing what during one of her shows?"

20% said "Praising Mussolini"
- He did make those trains run on time. We could use a little Mussolini in Chicago.

No one went for "Violating Topo Gigio" or "Applying lipstick to a live pig"

*0% got it right with "Insulting the Pope"

According to The Times UK, an Italian comedienne who said that Pope Benedict XVI would go to Hell and be tormented by homosexual demons is facing a prison term of up to five years.

Addressing a Rome rally in July, Sabrina Guzzanti warmed up with a few gags about prime minister Silvio Berlusconi — her favourite target for her biting impressions — before moving on to some unrepeatable jokes about Mara Carfagna, the Equal Opportunities Minister and one-time topless model.

But then she got religion, and after warning everyone that within 20 years Italian teachers would be vetted and chosen by the Vatican, she got to the punchline: "But then, within 20 years the Pope will be where he ought to be — in Hell, tormented by great big poofter devils, and very active ones, not passive ones."

The joke may have gone done well with her crowd on the Piazza Navona in Rome, but not with Italian prosecutors. She is facing prosecution for "offending the honour of the sacred and inviolable person" of Benedict XVI.

There is an actual law that is part of a treaty between Italy and the Vatican that says no one can insult the Pope or the prime minister. I guess they got into hissy fits back in the day punishable by pouring scalding hot oil down someone's throat. Hopefully, this won't go any further. The Vatican should be relieved. She threw out the original joke - "You can put lipstick on the Pope, but it's still the Pope." Way too offensive.

What's Wrong with Lipstick on a Pig?

By now you have heard the petty name-calling and grade school insults that are becoming the standard daily fare of the presidential campaign. All very wearying and clearly a tactic to keep us from getting bored hearing the candidate blathering on about the issues.

Fun is fun, but Obama really crossed the line this week.

Last week, at the RNC, Sarah Palin made a reference to the only difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom is "lipstick." This was a brilliant display of Oscar Wildean wit on her part. Sophisticated and dry. While humorous, it was also a glowing tribute to pit bulls who like to breed and hockey moms who like to poop in the yard.

Less than a week later, Obama made a play at smacking down Palin and it was not nearly as clever. He referred to McCain's economic plan as "just putting lipstick on a pig." Several things are wrong with this joke. For one, if you are going to stick it to Palin, you need to at least refer to her. Just saying "lipstick" isn't enough. Nudge or wink or hold up a picture of her. The joke needs context! Secondly, it's stolen. McCain has already used the line several times, once in reference to Hillary Clinton and her health plan. Get some fresh material, Barack! Your lack of experience has made you so insecure that you are stealing other people's lines.

The joke that's even more insulting to Palin came after the lipstick reference and everyone is ignoring it. Immediately following the pig poke, Barack said that a stinky fish wrapped in paper is still going to be stinky eight years later. Clearly, Mr. Obama is going after Palin's personal hygiene with a crude comment such as this. She's from Alaska. She hunts moose. She's a tough broad. Things are bound to be a little funky down in Juneau, if you know what I mean. No reason to call it out. This, my friends, is where Obama really got sexist.

So, let's stop the shenanigans, Democrats! Enough is enough! Get back to talking about the issues. Like that swollen gland hanging off of McCain's jaw like rising dough. Or why we have to still hear Fred Thompson give speeches. Why aren't we talking about that stuff?

By the way, one more problem that I have with your "joke," Mr. Obama... What's wrong with lipstick on a pig? If a pig wants to improve his or her appearance with a little make-up, then I think that pig has a right to do so without being derided for it in a national forum. Or maybe it's work related. Maybe they are testing cosmetics for some big company. It's their job!

Leave the pigs, alone, Mr. Obama, or surely you will see my vote go for that old goat!

9/11

Today's is the day we remember that horrible tragedy and, if you swing that way, commemorate the fallen and the brave with some thoughtful, reflective silence or prayer. Unless you're a republican involved in a presidential campaign. Then 9/11 is your party's new mascot and you'll want to hit all the parades to remind people how terrifying dying is and how this kind of thing hasn't happened since all because they have been keeping you safe. Of course, they'll avoid talking about how they did nothing to prevent it in spite of numerous warnings and stood in a complacent stupor while it was unfolding. But I digress. Honor the innnocent and the brave.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"New Zealand's national airline wants to promote a new system to reduce check-in times by advertising where?"

36% said "On security metal detectors"
- Sorry, sir. I need you to walk through again. You missed reading the other side of the sign.

19% said "On womens' bottoms"
- It already takes me too long to read the word "Juicy."

No one went for "On screaming children"

45% got it right with "On bald guys' heads"

According to The Associated Press, New Zealand's national airline is offering to pay bald travelers to use their heads — literally — in a new advertising campaign.

Air New Zealand said it wants 70 recruits to stand in lines in three airports — while wearing temporary tattoos on the back of their heads so the displays can be seen by people lining up behind them.

The airline would pay 1,000 New Zealand dollars ($660) for each walking billboard, a company official said.

I should do this. I'm already giving away lots of free advertising with the back of my head. Other guys see me and think, "Hmm, maybe I should pick up some Rogaine."

Thump Day

I have to get crankin' one TWO scripts due this morning at Fig, so just the quiz today...

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The chair of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change recently said people could help tackle global warming if they only did what one day a week?"

18% said "Sat and did nothing"
- If this were the case, than I am doing more than Al Gore to tackle global warming.

7% said "Had protected sex"
- I wish I had protected sex, because my sex life has been on the endangered species list for awhile. You know what I mean? Yah!

7% said "Only walked to get around"
- Those aren't homeless people, they're environmental activists.

68% got it right with "Avoided eating meat"

According to The Guardian, people should have one meat-free day a week if they want to make a personal and effective sacrifice that would help tackle climate change, the world's leading authority on global warming has told The Observer

Dr Rajendra Pachauri, chair of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which last year earned a joint share of the Nobel Peace Prize, said that people should then go on to reduce their meat consumption even further.

Pachauri, who was re-elected the panel's chairman for a second six-year term last week, said diet change was important because of the huge greenhouse gas emissions and other environmental problems - including habitat destruction - associated with rearing cattle and other animals. It was relatively easy to change eating habits compared to changing means of transport, he said.

The UN's Food and Agriculture Organisation has estimated that meat production accounts for nearly a fifth of global greenhouse gas emissions.

His comments are the most controversial advice yet provided by the panel on how individuals can help tackle global warning.

I find it odd that this is regarded as the most controversial thing he could say about reducing the effects of climate change. People, in general, are fine with doing something as long as they don't have to change anything about their lifestyle. We breed cows and pigs like they were rats. They're huge animals who eat a lot and fart a lot. Reduce the demand and you reduce the supply.

Or we could just try to eat them all out of extinction, but I think our colons would expire before they did.

This cow looks like she's trying really hard to hold it in. I hope it doesn't make the milk taste funny.

Salvador Janes

Like anyone trying to eek out a living in the creative arts (as opposed to those non-creative arts), I have my complaints.

But they usually get trumped when I have days where I get to do things like this...





This is going to be my writer bio picture on Fig Media's website. I wanted to show writing as something very active. VERY active. Tim Musho is the brilliant photographer. We also had a little help from Hafeez Sarumi, Joe Martinez and Andrea Giampoli, who were very happy to throw paper at me.

If it looks familiar, it should...





Steal from the best. But don't throw wet cats.


ONCE ON THIS ISLAND

Yellow Alligator has added two performances this Thursday and Friday. For more info, go HERE.


OBAMA AND McCAIN

Do you really need a breakdown of what they stand for? Or would you rather make your decision based on negative ad campaigns? Apparently, some people do. Thanks, Mr. Hall.

The BS News Quiz of the Day

(My Internet crapped out at home. I'm worried that Comcast may need that weird long involved password made of numbers and letters and Klingon symbols they gave me long ago. I don't know where the hell I wrote it down. So, I'll try to get out this update while stealing wi-fi from various locales on my travels today.)

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

" Xiguang, an Asian elephant in China will soon be released from a protection center where he was recovering from what?"

30% said "obesity"
- That's only a problem for the domesticated American elephants.

9% said "memory loss"
- It's from eating all that paint we make them use to paint pictures to sell to tourists.

8% said "botched botox"
- The botox worked. It was the face lift. They didn't know when to stop lifting. His ankles are now above his head.

53% said "heroin addiction"

According to The Huffington Post, Xiguang, a 4-year-old male Asian elephant, became addicted after he was captured by smugglers along the Chinese-Myanmar border in March 2005. The traders fed the elephant bananas laced with heroin as bait and to pacify the creature, the official Xinhua News Agency said. When Xiguang was found two months later along with six other captured elephants in China's southwest, he was suffering from withdrawal and was sent to a protection center in China's tropical Hainan island. He is expected to return to the Yunnan Wild Animal Park in the capital of Yunnan province, Kunming, on Saturday.

I think we just found a new nickname for heroin. White Elephant, anyone?

Only Three Times On This Island

THEATRE REVIEW

Once On This Island
Book and lyrics by Lynn Ahrens Music by Stephen Flaherty. Based upon the novel My Love, My Love by Rosa Guy.
Directed by Emily Hard.
Remaining shows: Sept 5th and 6th at 8pm
Chicago Center for the Performing Arts
777 North Green Street
Phone: (312) 733-6000
Tickets are $15 on-line, $20 at the door
Yellow Alligator Theater Company


(In the interest of full disclosure, Emily Hard also works with me at Fig Media, Inc.)

Once on This Island is a one-act musical/fable told through the eyes of a community of villagers on a small Caribbean island. Based on the book My Love, My Love by Rosa Guy, it also mixes in some elements of Little Mermaid (the original story, not the Disney version) and Romeo and Juliet. Told through song and a lot of dancing, it's the story of Ti Moune, an orphan girl chosen by the gods for a special fate and saved for a special destiny by Asaka, mother of the Earth.

This was my first time seeing this musical. I have heard of it, it was nominated for several Tony awards, including Best Musical of 1990. It's written by the same folks that brought us Ragtime and My Favorite Year. So, it's got some pedigree.

What's nice about this production is that it honors the art of story telling as a way to enrich community. It's in the fabric of these villagers. It's a part of their lives. It's the ultimate in learning from OPE (other people's experience) and in connecting as family. It's worth seeing Yellow Alligator's take on the show just for that.

This is also Yellow Alligator Theater Company's inaugural production. It's a shame that their run is only three shows long. The show is competent in its execution, but has a lot of room to grow. There are also technical aspects that still need to be ironed out. The sound mix is up and down, with the music oftentimes overpowering the singers, who aren't mic'd. The talent pool is sturdy, but moments could be fleshed out more and, since the ensemble plays multiple characters, it's sometimes hard to tell if someone is playing their primary character or just another villager. Some of the actors rise above it all and just become very engaging, infectious presences on stage - Jasmine Randle and Rashada Dawan as "Little TiMoune" and "TiMoune," respectively, and Amber Whitted and Magellan Watts as "Mama Euralie" and "Tonton Julian" are among them. Dawn Bless and Michael Bartlett also have a few very strong moments.

I do have some problems with the story itself. It seems a little racist to me. Black people are happy and poor, white people are rich and miserable. Don't worry, there's hope. The black people try to save us, even though we're content being wealthy assholes. While broad character strokes like that can be considered an ingredient to fables, I think more three-dimensional development, especially of the two lovers, would have led to more empathy for their plight as well as a more grounded story.

You only have two more chances to see the show. Tonight and Saturday night. If you have never seen this musical, this is a good opportunity.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I wrote...

"A $350 million high school opened Wednesday in Los Angeles. One of its features is what?"

17% said "wave machines for surfing"
- They wear swimsuits to school and carry regular clothes in their gym bags.

17% said "coffee kiosks"
- It's LA. Each classroom comes with its own barrista.

No one thought "hot tubs"

66% got it right with "toxic gases"

According to the Associated Press, much of what was then called the Belmont Learning Center was already constructed before fears grew about toxic gases rising from an old oil field upon which it was built. A decade behind schedule, the $350 million downtown high school finally opened on Wednesday after years of environmental, seismic and legal troubles. The school resembles a college campus, with several classroom buildings surrounding a landscaped courtyard. It boasts a gym with capacity to hold 3,000, a large dance studio with cushioned maple floors, 480 underground parking spaces - and a $17 million toxic gas mitigation system that costs $250,000 a year to operate!

Forget the barrista. Each room needs a canary. And a slayer.

My Grown-Up Bed - SOLD!!!

Well, I think I have a new apartment. The leasing agent hasn't completed all the paper work, but says it looks good, don't worry about it, it's yours. Just the kind of stuff that does make me worry. I'm still looking forward to getting rid of lot of stuff so I can start fresh. Or fresher.

The main stuff I'm looking to sell are the big things.

Like my bed. Portly self-cleaning cat not included.



I love this bed. It marks my graduation from futon mattress to grown-up bed. It's queen size. Has an awesome Serta-Sleeper mattress and box spring. I am notorious for flipping and rotating, so there's no Norman Bates' mother's outlines going on here. The posts are cherry wood and the head and foot are black iron, I believe. It's very sturdy. I have had it for eight years and have taken it apart and put it back together five or six times. I've never had a problem with it.



I paid almost a grand for it. All I'm asking is $200, mattress included. E-mail me at joejanes1065@comcast.net if you are interested.

The BS News Quiz of the Day

Yesterday, I asked...

"A 25-year-old Iowa City drunk driver has been accused of attempting to bribe the police with what?"

25% said "foot massages"
- Well, if you have a skill, work it.

25% said "a night with his mom"
- Well, if your mom has a skill, work it.

25% said "all the loose coins in the ash tray"
- Keep the chewed gum and the broken toothpicks with my compliments, officer.

The remaining 25% got it right with "sandwiches"

According to The Press-Citizen, a drunken driver attempted to get off the hook by offering a police officer Jimmy John's sandwiches. According to police reports, Mark Anthony Booth, 25, of Iowa City was charged with drunken driving and bribery early Sunday morning. Booth was riding with a police officer in a squad car following the arrest when he offered him "free Jimmy John's sandwiches if he was allowed to go home," the report states. The officer declined the offer, to which Booth allegedly responded, "C'mon...Nobody's going to know."

I'm a little speechless. I mean, that's a pretty good deal. What's wrong with that cop? Mark should have sweetened the deal with some chips.