"On Tuesday before the debate, which McCain supporter accused Barack Obama of waging 'the dirtiest campaign in American history'?"
36% said "Rudy Giuliani" - He said he hasn't seen such dirty, underhanded tricks since 9/11.
28% said "Sarah Palin" - No. She's more focused on Obama's terrorist pals. I think she's just jealous because they never invite her along for pizza.
No one said "George W. Bush" - He's barely said anything lately. Why couldn't this campaign have started eight years ago?
36% got it right with "Cindy McCain"
According to The Tennessean, Cindy McCain, who stopped to visit a half-dozen children at the Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt today, said the presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama has "waged the dirtiest campaign in American history,” and her husband Sen. John McCain will use tonight’s debate to correct the distortions.
And then she told the children they would all live to 100 and live in candy houses filled with helpful and friendly animal servants who wore pants.
She also stated later that she wants Obama to wear her shoes. Don't do it, Barack! It's a trap. First it's the shoes, then it's the stockings and the bustier. Next thing you know, you picture is splashed across magazines and newspapers all around the world. And "surveyors" call the swing voters and ask them if they would ever feel comfortable knowing their president was a cross-dresser.
This is why McCain hightails it out of the venue after debates and isn't allowed anywhere near the press. He needs to come down...
(Thanks, I think, to Tim Musho for sharing this with me.)
KARAOKE FUNDRAISER
I will be one of the judges at an fun karaoke competition tonight at The Spot (4437 N. Broadway St) from 6pm–9pm. The event is to support the upcoming film, Reginald, directed and produced by friend and blossoming independent filmmaker, Joseph Martinez. Tickets are $30.00 at the door, and there will be food and copious drinks available. There will be a silent auction for fantastic prizes as well! Joining me on the judges panel are Tobey Geise and Darren Stephens.
You might even see me do karaoke. Unless that deters you from coming, then I promise not to impose it on you.
Hope to see you there!
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Former Lehman CEO Richard Fuld got a surprise at the gym when what happened to him?"
55% said "His membership was revoked" - It was the company gym. His credit's no good at Bally's.
45% said "His aerobics class turned on him" - Punch, punch,punch...feel your pulse...and kick!
No one picked"He got stuffed into a locker"
And no one picked the correct answer "He was punched in the face"
CNBC and Vanity Fair contributor Vicki Ward said Fuld was attacked at the gym on a Sunday following the bankruptcy.“From two very senior sources – one incredibly senior source – that he went to the gym after … Lehman was announced as going under. He was on a treadmill with a heart monitor on. Someone was in the corner, pumping iron and he walked over and he knocked him out cold. And frankly after having watched this, I’d have done the same too.”
Ward determined Fuld deserved the beating based on his testimony before the committee.
“I thought he was shameless,” Ward said. “I thought it was appalling. He blamed everyone. He blamed, as you say, ‘naked short sellers’ over and over in case we didn’t get the point, when in fact hedge funds like Harbinger had money locked up in Lehman and was shorting it to try and make the most of the money that they already had. He blamed everybody but himself.”
Why wasn't this part of the $700 billion bail out? We should all get the chance to line up and bitch slap these motherf**kers.
The federales (aka, the media) has the Scared Straight Talk Express surrounded. They have their microphones and cameras all pointed in our heroes' direction. Butch and Sarah are hunkered down inside. Wounded in the polls from an America who really wants someone who will turn this country around instead of throw life rafts to the fat cats. Butch and Sarah have run out of bullets (aka, ideas). They know that if they actually answer questions and talk about the issues, they will continue to bleed in the polls. Their only recourse, go out blazing. Shouting smears about the other guy as they make a mad dash to November.
Brace yourself for a barrage of hearing Obama's middle name overemphasized, references to "scary" black guys who enthusiastically support (the - shhhh- also black, thus scary) Barack. We'll also hear how uppity and elite and angry and out of touch Barack and his wife are.
McCassidy and Sometimes Sundance are going to be slinging for the fences. Hoping they connect with the mouth-breathers over how it would be better to vote for them because that other guy just ain't American and he and his kind will destroy us all. All the while hoping that you don't notice the last eight years haven't been so great and that they really don't plan to change anything at all. Their economic policies will remain the same - cut taxes (on the rich), throw you some chump change every once in awhile through rebates and stimulus packages to shut you up, and increase spending, mostly through war.
Look, I suck at finances. But even I know that cutting taxes and increasing spending is a bad plan.
We almost made it through an election where the candidates were taking a higher road. Then McCain, who wants you to now he is NOT Bush, took the advice of his advisers, formerly, Bush's advisers, on how to get elected. Lie to the electorate. Treat them like morons. Deflect talking about the issues by lying about your opponent. Take the issues off the table and sweep them under the rug. Doesn't matter if anything they say is true. Say it in enough soundbites and the people who's brains can only digest small bits if repetitive information, will put you in the White House. It's all a game of misdirection.
It really sucks for people like me who actually read the news from a few different sources to try to get a grasp of what's happening. (Note to Sarah: I read The Drudge Report, The Huffington Post, The Chicago Sun-Times, The Chicago Tribune and the IMDb every day. Sometimes the BBC, too, but usually only when I'm having trouble coming up with something for the news quiz.) We're going to hear John and Sarah fire off the same semi-automatic pop guns over and over and over.
So, it is in that interest that I offer up for them some new lies about BarackObama that they can use. Call me a turncoat, if you like, but I really want to hear some fresh fibs out there. I'm tired of the reruns.
-McCain already "dissed" Obama by referring to him as a Chicago politician. (Way to go, John. Piss off the third largest city in the nation.) But he didn't take the thinking far enough. Go for the whole state.-
"BarackObama is from Illinois. Abe Lincoln was from Illinois. Lincoln fought the biggest war on American soil. Is that what you want? Vote for me and we'll continue to send our soldiers overseas to be killed. Not be killed at home by other soldiers on our front lawns."
"BarackHusseinObama claims he was born in Hawaii. Oh, really, senator. Then how come you never wear a red, white and blue lei?"
"Senator Obama grew up in Kenya. As in, Kenya think of a better place to raise a terrorist?"
"Obama went to college at Columbia University in New York. Columbia is the largest importer of illegal drugs into the United States. Do we really need another cokehead in office? I don't think so. And, see, I'm not like George Bush because I called him a cokehead."
"BarackObama's experience can be summed up in two words, 'community organizer." Where I come from, we call that a communist. I'd rather be dead than red, senator."
John and Sarah are serving a greater purpose in all this, though. They are clearly demonstrating for us all that we need a change from the way we have been doing business on the campaign trail and in Washington. Hopefully, after November 4th, politicians will learn that fear is not a commodity to be sold to us in scary images and slogans and that what we really need are elected officials who serve the country, the whole country.
I think John McCain and Sarah Palin would be flattered by referring to them as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I'm sure Paul Newman and Robert Redford would be appropriately appalled. But that's not who they really remind me of. When it comes to Hollywood fictional icons, they are more like these two...
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Holly Budge of England celebrated her 30th birthday by doing what?"
50% said "Doing 30 shots of tequila" - Because she wants to spend her 30th year on earth massively hungover.
20% said "Bungee jumping over a volcano" -Be sure to use the asbestos cord.
20% said "Walking on the ocean floor" - The doctors say she should walk two miles below sea level everyday.
10% got it right with "Skydiving over Mt. Everest"
According to The Times UK, a British woman was among three skydivers who became the first on Sunday to freefall at extreme altitude through the skies above Mount Everest. “It was amazing, just spectacular,” Holly Budge, 29, a Winchester-born extreme sports enthusiast, said after making a safe landing at a site 12,350 feet (3,765 metres) above sea level — the highest “drop zone” achieved by a parachutist. “We had one minute of freefall and while we were above the clouds you could see Everest and the other high mountains popping out of the top,” she said. The expedition also offered a way by which to celebrate her 30th birthday later this month, she said.
Interested? It'll cost you around $22,000. More, if they have to scrape your body off the side of Everest.
All moved and all out of boxes. Well, mostly. I find I need more things like shelves and perhaps a filing cabinet in which to put all sorts of papers and office supplies in the corner of my bedroom which is now my office. Until then, those items are in plastic bins and three small cardboard file boxes. But, I like the place. Which is cool. The last two apartments felt like temporary compromises whereas I can see myself comfortably staying here for awhile.
The neighborhood rocks for several reasons. Last night, we had an Improvised Shakespeare Company get together to watch Laurence Olivier's Othello from 1965. It took me a whole two minutes to walk there.
One of the reasons ISC is such a good show is because we all genuinely dig Shakespeare. We read him, see his plays and watch his movies. When we can do so as a group, it's even more fun. Think Mystery Science Theater meets iambic pentameter. I have seen several versions of Othelloon film and on stage. This one is worth seeing because Frank Finlay's "Iago" is absolutely brilliant. Maggie Smith is a young, hot "Desdemona." The whole cast is really exceptional except for Olivier. The dude sucks in this. The weird shade of blackface aside, he is ridiculously over-the-top. Every Othello I have seen has Othello chock full of honor and dignity and he slowly descends into jealousy. But even then, there's a strong sense of pride in the man who is succumbing to his unbridled rage. Olivier plays Othello like a bi-polar freakazoid. He quickly, and very grandly, crumbles. The sets are very sparse probably because he kept chewing through all the scenery. His gestures so huge and voice so loud, I thought he was going to damage the inside of the TV set.
Othello is a great story and you'll find two far superior film versions with Orson Welles or Laurence Fishburne at the Moor's helm.
CHEDDAR MOON
Cheddar Moon opened last Saturday to a sold out house at Donny's Skybox. The cast did an exceptional job. We were the last of the six plays and I think we leave the audience on a strong note. The snafu came when Principal Tate throws a damp jock strap at Nick's face to divert his attention. The cast never had an opportunity to work that moment out on stage. It worked fine, except the athletic supporter was too damp and left a small puddle on stage. Mike Johnson slid through it and lost his bouquet of novelty pencils, which play an integral part of the play a moment later. Without giving too much away, the actors recovered nicely, didn't lose anything in the fight scene, and I got to see a man stabbed with the bowl end of a soup ladle.
Three shows left. I strongly recommend buying your tickets in advance. You can get all the info you need by clicking HERE.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Thursday last week, I asked...
"In the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant's talent competition, Sarah Palin did what?"
33% said "Twirled a baton" - No baton. It was a loaded rfle.
9% said "Sang 'Against All Odds' " - So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space...
No one said "Gutted a moose"
58% got it right with "Played the flute"
According to The Huffington Post, last week the video of Sarah Palin's swimsuit competitionfrom the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant hit the web. Now video of her talent portion has gone online. Below, video of Sarah Palin on flute. As the announcer says, she is:
"An accomplished flautist who has been performing for ten years. She will be performing "The Homecoming" as written by Nathan Hardy..."
She did not win the title. On older, more experience man won. She came in second.
There's a lot of rumblin's in Washington and across the country that McCain screwed up and needs to cut Palin loose. That won't happen. We have seen McCain reverse positions, sometimes in a day, on all kinds of issues. Most recently, the economy. The reason it's so confounding, is because he never acknowledges that he has changed his position. He just puts things into context for us - in his bitten-in-the-ass-wincing-grandfatherly way. He has never admitted he was wrong about anything and he will never admit that Palin was the wrong choice. His wrong choice.He'll stick to his choices do or die because, dammit, that's what a Maverick does. Apparently.
There's someone else who never admits he was wrong about anything and never shows remorse for his decisions. He's the guy who currently occupies the White House. He calls himself The Decider. Which he is. It's just that most of the decisions have been boneheaded and he refuses to make note of that.
And that's another reason why McCain and Bush will stay in Iraq until they have achieved victory. Otherwise, they'd have to admit they fucked up. 100,000 military and civilian casualties is a good decision and they intend to add more bones to the pile until the Iraqis finally get it through their thick skulls that we liberated them.
So, if you want McCain, you are stuck with Palin. The Maverick has decided.
SOMETHING ELSE THAT BUGS ME ABOUT AS MUCH
Kermit asks the musical question, "Why are there so many songs about rainbows?"
Well, there aren't, Kermit. Except for the one in which you sing that inquiry, I can't think of one damn other tune. Oh, sure, there's that other song you're thinking of that Judy Garland sings, but you know what? It's not about rainbows! It's about some place over the rainbow. The rainbow is just some colorful wall of Berlin. An obstacle to seeing trouble melt like lemon drops. There's an old country song called Rainbow Stew. Know what it's about? Stew!
So, there, Kermit. My friend. I suggest you change that lyric to "Why is this the only song about rainbows?"
Huzzah!
IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE
Friday night. 8pm. iO. Be there. See me. Touch me. Feel me.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Third grade teacher Donna Coulter of Kissimmee Charter Academy was recently fired for asking her students to do what?"
50% said "Tell their parents to vote Democrat" - And to punch the hole in the vote card ALL THE WAY THROUGH!
25% said "Buy her artwork" - It wouldn't have been bad, except she draws like a 30-year-old.
No one said "Wash her car"
25% got it right with "Give her massages"
According to WFTV in Orlando, in Donna Coulter's third grade class, each student had a job. It could be cleaning the room, organizing books or taking out the trash, but one task really upset parents."One of the jobs she was giving was to give her massages," said parent Stacey Vazquez. While school administrators did not want to go on camera, they did tell Eyewitness News that effective Tuesday Coulter no longer works there. They sent home a note to parents saying, "Due to unforeseen circumstance, Ms. Coulter will no longer be teaching your student in the third grade."
I think this is very short-sighted thinking on the parents and school administrator's part. This is Florida. Orlando, no less. These kids need to learn vocational skills early. The real estate market is crap right now. Jobs at the amusement parks are only for slave who can smile. Learn to give massages, and there's more work opportunity. And there's always a happy ending.
Fig liked the picture Tim Musho and I did so much, they are using it to promote their new photo studio. You can also see it in all its full-page glory in an ad in the next issue of CS magazine.
CHEDDAR MOON
Cheddar Moon, a ten-minute play I wrote last year, opens this week at Donny's Skybox as part of a collaborative production between Second City and Chicago Dramatists. I caught a runthrough last night. It features the brilliant Kristen Secrist as the lovely, yet bearded lunch lady Doreena, Ian Custer as her rebellious lost love Nick and the ever reliable and always hysterical Mike Johnson as wormy Principal Tate. Jason Fleece directs. This is my first time working with Jason, Kristen and Ian and they are doing a fantastic job nailing the melodramatic tone of the piece. And Mike is always a blast. There's an awesome fight scene using soup ladles and novelty pencils choreographed by Sarah Pitard that makes it worth the price of admission.
The show runs Saturday nights in October at 10:30pm. THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"The Old Town Ale House in Chicago is stirring up some controversy. They recently hung an original painting of what?"
17% said "Cheney sodomizing Bush" - And lined up behind Cheney is China, Wall Street, Saudi Arabia and Putin.
12% said "Biden in a KKK outfit" - And he's sitting next FDR in one of his TV-side chats.
6% said "McCain and Obama soul kissing" - This only exists in my imagination. My sweet, sweet, imagination.
65% got it right with "Palin naked"
According to The Chicago Tribune, Bruce Elliott has painted a nude portrait of Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and hung it above the Old Town Ale House, where it's now a prime attraction among his display of more than 200 celebrity portraits and other racy art.
I love the Ale House. Great jukebox - one of the best in the city - great divyatmosphere, one of the best places to celebrate or just chill after doing a show. Long live the Ale House!
Well, I moved my body, two cats and lots of stuff yesterday from Logan Square to Rogers Park. I used Done Right Movers, and they did good by me. They quoted me a good price and a two-and-a-half hour move. And that's exactly what it was and what they did. Having done three moves in three years, I don't see myself ever going back to the rent-a-U-Haul-and-beg-friends-to-help service I had previously used for so long. Especially since it rained yesterday. Under the old model, it would have taken forever. These guys didn't even mention the rain or complain about it.
Unfortunately, I'm without Internet service at home til Friday. I'm sitting in a diner at Clark and Devon that has free wi-fi. And a decent skillet breakfast - although, dear God, people, don't put carrots in breakfast food! Or veggie burritoes! Stir Frys, yes, go for it. Otherwise, it's just not right.
Anyway, Comcast, my Internet provider, has really become more efficient. Last year, they screwed up after my move. This time, they screwed up a good four days before I moved. I arranged for everything on-line, even using their live chat service to talk to a rep, and set up someone coming to my new apartment tomorrow to set everything up. I did this a good week and a half ago. Everything went smooth as soy milk. Then on Thursday morning last week, I started getting automated calls saying someone would be coming by between 8am and 10am to install my cable. Whuh? I haven't even moved yet!
I had to call information to get their service number and then go through a hall of mirrors-esque series of voice-mail promps that included every option except "Press 3 if we screwed something up." I finally spoke to a live person who, without any apology or acknowledgement of responsibility, simply changed it to the next available slot of Friday. Woo-hoo! Two more days of trying to scam free Internet service from places and not being able to DVRFringe, Sarah Connor or Burn Notice. Oh, and crap, doesn't Pushing Daisies start up this week? Oh, and, by the way, the economy sucks and Washington is still saying there "might" be a recession if they don't do anything. Might? Banks failing, epidemic foreclosures, McCain susoending his campaign, Bush giving a go-to-war-like talk about the economy... What's a recession? When the entire state of Illinois piles into a big jalaopy and heads west looking for work?
Um, okay, when I notice myself going on a rant about fairly petty things like cable service, I feel compelled to balance it out with something more substantial. THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Paul Newman's first starring role came in 1956 when he was called upon to replace whom?"
37% said "Marlon Brando"
12% said "Charlton Heston"
13% said "Tony Curtis"
38% got it right with "James Dean"
According to My Way News, Newman's breakthrough was enabled by tragedy: James Dean, scheduled to star as the disfigured boxer in a television adaptation of Ernest Hemingway's "The Battler," died in a car crash in 1955. His role was taken by Newman, then a little-known performer.
No bits here. Paul Newman was a class act all the way. His films are a study of manhood -a rite of passage for guys. His characters often held dark sides and light sides and often persevered in struggling to do the right thing. A role model for everyone and he sets the bar high for all men and all humans who aspire to walk their talk.
