Sneaky

There are two search words that seem to bring people to this site more than any other. They are "labia" and "Viagra." Not just the word "labia," mind you, the phrase "nice labia."

These search words will bring unsuspecting surfers to "Hey, Nice Labia!" (a commentary about the plastic surgery procedure "vaginal rejuvenation") and "The Semi-Hard Truth About Viagra" (a sketch I wrote for a biology class. I got an "A," thank you.) Hey, whatever gets you here or gets you off, doesn't matter to me. Sometimes they even stick around to read what I wrote. Almost always they click of the "anal bleaching" link in the labia article.

What I never expected was someone planting an ad in the comment section of the Viagra sketch.

2 comments:

Shain A said...

What makes you a REAL man? This is a question of manhood. For men, they have to be able and willing to perform all night long. I love to be intimate with my partner as long as I want but what about when I’m tired or had a rough day at work. http://www.besthealthmed.com/viagra_ed.html

October 24, 2008 1:13 AM

Joe Janes said...

Your claim that it takes having an erection (if it lasts over four hours, see a doctor) and being able to do it "all night long" to make one a real man is pure bullshit. If that were true, and it takes a pill to fulfill the illusion of manhood, than I say that makes you even less of a man. There's only one reason to take viagra - you like having boners. Period. And you are too lazy to explore healthy alternatives.

However, I am leaving your post and link section up. While obviously pro-viagra over cialis, making one suspicious of who is behind "Best Health Med," and it peddles in the "real man" advertising baloney, it does state the side effects and doesn't appear to directly sell viagra. I suppose that comes when you sign up for the newsletter.

October 24, 2008 5:41 AM

Pretty wild. DON'T click on his link, unless you really want the inside track on working up a pharma hard on. This guy probably makes money on the amount of traffic he generates. What's funny about the site is that it presents itself as a mens health web magazine in the UK. There's even a "Humour" section. That page is blank, by the way. Guys desperate to get their meat stick propped up probably don't have much of a sense of humor.

WEEK TWO OF MORAL FIXATIONS, LAST CHANCE TO SEE CHEDDAR MOON

Moral Fixations, the The Second City Training Center Writing 5 show I directed, has its second show tonight. Last week nearly sold out. If you plan on coming, I suggest you buy your ticket on-line, or show up an hour to half an hour early to buy your ticket at the Skybox box office.

The Best of the Tens, the show that features my ten-minute play, Cheddar Moon, closes this weekend. Last week was interesting. An actor in a two-person piece was running late. He almost literally ran in the door and onto the stage. The problem with only doing a show once a week, is that you usually have to run it beforehand or you risk blanking out and getting lost on stage. That's exactly what happened to these two guys. There's is one of the stronger pieces of the show and they managed to stay in character and also add about five uncomfortable minutes to the show while trying to find their way. I've got a feeling that won't happen to them again. Ever. The show is likely to sell out, so definitely buy your tickets on-line or early at the door (seriously, come an hour or two early, buy your ticket, go over to Old Town Ale House, have a beer, look at the naked painting of Sarah Palin, come back for the show).



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexual harassment. He blames his behavior on what?"

25% said "prescription medicine"
- Must have been on that website about Viagra.

26% said "a bad break-up"
- "It's not you, it's me. I really think we should harass other people."

16% said "mixed signals"
- He was really just trying to get them to relax when he took his pants off.

33% got it right with "jock itch"

According to The New York Daily News, a gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexually harassing two male sergeants and creating a lewd, hostile work environment, the Daily News has learned.Lt. Kieran Crowe, 50, denied the allegations, and blamed his behavior on "jock itch."

Oh, but this is where it really gets good...

Sgts. Dominic Coppola and Sean Gallagher filed an internal complaint against Crowe in 2004, when all three men worked at the Office of Equal Employment Opportunity at Police Headquarters. They also sued the city and the NYPD in Manhattan Federal Court.

The sergeants said Crowe, a 23-year NYPD veteran, simulated masturbating and wiggled his tongue at them in a sexually suggestive manner in the 12th-floor office which, ironically, investigates harassment in the workplace.

Crowe's lawyers called as a witness a dermatologist, who said Crowe was treated for a body rash and jock itch between 2001 and 2004, records show.

Trial commissioner John Grappone rejected that argument. In a ruling issued over the summer, Grappone said no medical condition warrants "extensive staring at crotches, masturbation gestures, tongue gestures and sighing sounds."

Clearly, this trial commissioner has never had jock itch. The only thing that helps me is copious amounts of hand cream and drooling, I mean, surfing the website, Got MILF?.

Good Day

I have decided to end all my e-mail correspondences today with "Good Day." There's something about it that sounds very professional and Dickens-y hardass.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THEA LUX!

Last night was Thea's birthday and she celebrated by having a party at Whirlyball. It was a blast, except for that one time when the scary dude who works there stopped the game to yell at us for having too many head-on collisions. But then it gave us something to make fun of for the rest of the night.

This is for Thea. I have no idea what it is about, but I imagine they are singing about how their love for Thea Lux helps them defeat monsters.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Since being announced as the vice-president candidate, the Republican National Committee has spent $150,000 for Sarah Palin's what?"

16% said "family lodging and travel"
- No. That's only around $20,000 since she became governor and she bills Alaska for that, because, you know, she's a maverick.

16% said "spiritual advisor"
- She only uses him when a witch hunt is involved. She likes to shoot witches from helicopters.

No one said "tutors for her children"
- How are these kids getting schooled while out campaigning with mom? I hope they're not home schooled. "You can watch TV, but only with the sound turned off, you can read - just not books, newspapers or magazines, here's a gun, let's go shoot something."

68% got it right with "clothes and make-up"

According to The Huffington Post, Politico reports that the RNC has been shelling out the big bucks--over $150,000--on Sarah Palin and her family's wardrobe since she joined the McCain ticket in late August. According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74. The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September. The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

So, you see, America, she's just like any Hockey Mom from Main Street. Except what that Hockey Mom makes in a year, she spends on clothes and make-up for a week. Joe Six-Pack is going to have to switch to Joe Forty Ounce to cover this bill.

The RNC did say that the clothes will be donated to charity. Yah. Right. Can't wait to see the homeless guy near my El stop looking like a drag queen Tina Fey.

Good day!

I Believe...

...the future is here. We can take a little pill for anything. Unfortunately, that little pill has ten other side effects as bad or worse than what ails you, but don't worry. There's a pill for each one of those, too.

...that when someone is ill, a sign of their recovery is the return of their hunger. When someone goes through a break-up, a sign of recovery is having fun flirting.

...that 'barista' is just a fancy word for to keep low wage fast food workers from feeling completely like shit while making the soy latte the lady in the fur jacket is just going to have them remake because the foam isn't foamy enough for her.

...homeless people would be less scary if they weren't so grumpy. Remember, homeless dude, that McDonald's drink cup you pulled out of the trash isn't 90% empty, it's 10% full (5% backwash).

...Musicals that simply imitate a film for the stage caters to the morons holding civilization back from evolving intellectually. A good story should be able to stand uniquely on its own as a novel, play, pop-up book, whatever. To simply recreate a film on stage with millions of dollars of copycat eye candy is creatively weak.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

(editor's note: Apparently, I screwed up entering the date and time for the poll/quiz to close and ended up only leaving about a one hour window from the time of posting to the time of closing. My bad and my apologies for anyone who didn't get to show off their smarts.)

Yesterday, I asked...

"Researchers at Florida State University have created a material 10x lighter than paper and stronger than steel. They call it what?"

100% said "adamantium"
- No. As Gene Grillo once told me, adamantium is the strongest substance known to comic book artists.

No one said "wonderflonium" or "THX 1138"

No one got the correct answer, "buckypaper"

According to The Huffington Post, buckypaper is 10 times lighter but potentially 500 times stronger than steel when sheets of it are stacked and pressed together to form a composite. Unlike conventional composite materials, though, it conducts electricity like copper or silicon and disperses heat like steel or brass. So far, buckypaper can be made at only a fraction of its potential strength, in small quantities and at a high price. The Florida State researchers are developing manufacturing techniques that soon may make it competitive with the best composite materials now available.

The best thing about buckypaper is its potential use on Klingon starships to build tanks to transport whales from the past to the future to communicate with destructive probes from the outer regions of space.

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, SATAN

Ladies and gentlemen, demons and demonettes, RVD is proud to present our newest show. Here is the press release, for your enjoyment:

Robot vs. Dinosaur Presents:

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, SATAN
HOW SATAN SOLD HIS SOUL

Opening: October 31st, 2008
Closing: November 22nd, 2008
Days and Time: Fridays and Saturdays at 10pm
Location: Gorilla Tango Theatre
1919 N. Milwaukee Ave
Chicago, IL 60647
Tickets: $12

For Tickets, Call 773.598.4544 or visit http://www.gorillatango.com/

CHICAGO, IL – Robot vs. Dinosaur proudly presents their new show, Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan. Times are tough everywhere, even in Hell. With Hell crippled by overcrowding, thanks in part to the Internet, Satan may be forced to make a rash decision. But when push comes to shove, will Satan sell out?

Follow along as a father and son journey past demons, sinners and a three-headed puppy on a tour of the past, present and future of Hell led by none other than Satan himself.

Opening just in time for the Halloween weekend, Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan weaves together short comic scenes with compelling narrative to create a funny and playfully irreverent theatrical experience that will leave audiences laughing.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan is performed by Neil Arsenty, Kim Boler, Lisa Burton, Jill Fenstermaker, Tim Heurlin, Ryan McDermott, Nat Topping and Trish Vignola and is directed by Geoff Crump.

Robot vs. Dinosaur is Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Joe Janes, Joe Linstroth, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling.

((Even though my name sneaks in there at the end, I haven't had much to do with this show other than pop in from time-to-time and throw my slight weight around. I sat in on a rehearsal two weeks ago and these guys and gals are in great shape. It's hysterical. Well cast. I can't wait to see the show on Halloween.))


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Wayne Forrester says he killed his wife with a meat cleaver because she provoked him by doing what?"

No one said "having an affair with their marriage counselor," "telling their children he was gay," or even "bringing a date to their divorce hearing"

100% got it right with "changing her Facebook status to single"

According to The Daily Mail UK, Wayne Forrester, 34, London, drank alcohol and took cocaine before driving 15 miles to the family home to attack wife Emma as she lay in bed.

The couple had separated four days before the murder in February and Forrester later told police he had been provoked by his wife changing her marital status to "single" on her Facebook entry, the court heard.

Forrester drove to Croydon armed with the knife and meat cleaver and forced the front door open. After neighbours called 999 he emerged from the house covered in blood and holding a carton of juice.

Yikes. Gruesome horrible stuff. But let's look at the real culprit in all this. To hell with the alcohol and cocaine. Facebook is the real drug at work here. I am new to Facebook. I am hooked. It might take someone with a meat cleaver to get me away from my laptop and go to work.

Squonk If You Love Fairy Tales

REVIEW: Gregor and the Squonk

Gregor and the Squonk
Written by Daniel Caffrey
Directed by Susan Myburgh
Presented by Tympanic Theatre Company

Through Nov 1st 2008

Thursday, Friday and Saturday, 8:00PM

@The Bailiwick Arts Center - Loft

1229 W. Belmont, Chicago, IL

Tickets are Pay What You Can!
Email tickets@tympanictheatre.org to reserve your tickets

Gregor and the Squonk sounds like it's a play about Gregor and the Squonk, but it is not. I'm not exactly sure what it is about, but it's not that. I felt like I spent more time with Gregor's wife Margaret (Ali Delianides) and her doctor (McKenzie Gerber) than I did with either Gregor or said Squonk.

There's a lot of creativity going on in this production. Tympanic puts a lot of thought into costumes and effects. And I commend them for their use of space. Characters pepper themselves throughout the lobby as you make your way through the Village Thrift store-like environs of the Bailiwick in transition. Getting to the tiny loft space is like an adventure in and of itself. Director Susan Myburgh uses this well and uses the limitations of the space to her and the cast's advantage.

The story deals with Gregor's wife, whom he loves very much, but she doesn't get it. She thinks she's ugly and is doing all sorts of stuff, including having a resident plastic surgeon on hand, to get the hands of fate to lay off. To try to appease her, Gregor has gone off in search of a mythical creature that, if consumed, will turn his wife beautiful. Kind of a cool story with a lot of potential as a cautionary fairy tale for grown-ups, but the play never lives up to its promise.

Daniel Caffrey's script has many long, repetitive scenes where characters spend a lot of time arguing and yelling and not moving things forward. Daniel is very active in Chicago's improv community and it would do him well to apply what he knows to his writing. Strong improvisers know to avoid or move through arguments, have strong, clear objectives of what they want from other characters, and, most importantly - show, don't tell. For example, as I mentioned earlier, Gregor is very much in love with his wife, Maragret. How do we know that? He tells us. We never see it and because we never see it, we have a hard time buying it. The only scene between Gregor and his wife is near the end. Up until that time, we only see Margaret screeching, yelling, fighting and, occasionally, being forcefully sedated by the doctor. There's not a lot to love.

The strongest section comes when the doctor tells the story of his mother's own struggle to see her own beauty. He thoughtfully tells the story while Whitney Valencia shows us the woman's pain. Some powerful moments and the longest stretch in the play where no one is bellowing.

Almost making the evening worthwhile is Megan Gotz' performance as The Squonk. She's brilliantly emotionally invested while also being very playful and childlike. She brings the play to life on her entrance and makes you feel like you really are encountering a mythical creature. Her costuming and make-up are also another example of how very creative Tympanic can be. Unfortunately, her scene with Gregor also falls into the category of needing editing and boasting way too much yelling. This scene also fails to play the reality of the situation. Gregor is out to kill a beast, much like he would a muskrat or any other animal. Yet, he shows no surprise at The Squonk's command of the English language. The Squonk also begs Gregor to tell her a story because she's never heard one before. If she has never heard one before, how does she know what a story is? There's potential to really explore a relationship here - the hunter and his prey that talks back, the man using the life of someone else for his wife's vanity, etc - but we never go there.

Caffrey sets out to bring us into a Neil Gaiman-esque world, but doesn't do his work on crafting the story and characters. The women get the shaft by only being portrayed as crazy and obsessed. The men love them, but for no good reason that we can see. There's a lesson about the beauty myth here somewhere, but no one in the production gets to learn it. The creativity at work gives me hope for future Tympanic productions as long as they go back to square one - good story telling.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"According to NASA, astronauts returning from space walks report that space smells like what?"

30% said "coffee"
- Nope. That's just the aroma from the one millionth store Starbucks opened on the moon.

28% said "lavender"
- Space is just a big bowl of potpourri.

7% said "alien teen spirit"
- Really? Someone voted for that? You know that "No Child Left Behind" educational program? We should really leave a few kids at the curb.

35% got it right with "fried steak"

According to The Sun, outer space smells of fried steak, scientists revealed yesterday. The universe also has an aroma of hot metal and motorbike welding, NASA experts said. Astronauts reported the bizarre scents on their suits when they returned from space walks.

The space agency has commissioned Steven Pearce of British fragrance firm Omega Ingredients to recreate the smells to help train spacemen.

He said: “When astronauts were de-suiting and taking off helmets, they all reported quite particular odours.

“We have already produced the smell of fried steak, but hot metal is more difficult."

Well, I can't wait for this line of perfumes and colognes to hit the market. Estee Lauder's Space Meat.

You Know...Stuff

CHEDDAR FIXATIONS

Moral Fixations opens tonight at Donny's Skybox and there are only two shows left for Saturday's The Best of The Tens featuring Cheddar Moon, also at The Skybox, and this week is already over half sold. So, please come check them out and I strongly suggest buying your ticket in advance. Call the box office at 312.337.3992 or go on-line.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A restaurant chain in London has angered animal rights groups because its new pizza features what?"

40% said "Mountain Gorilla Breast Milk Cheese"
- Got to give props to the cajones on the dude that milks the gorilla. Make sure those hands are warm.

30% said "Foie Gras"
- Someone somewhere I'm sure already does this and Domino's will pick up on it soon.

10% said "Mashed Baby Chicks"
- Could be, but they'd have to make it sound better, french it up, like just le peep peep squishé.

20% got it right with "Frog Legs"

According to The Sun (I love it when I can attribute the center of our solar system as a source. That sun, what is it not a source of!), the “Hopper” contains eight limbs on a traditional base with capers and an anchovy sorbet.

The £17.95 dish has angered campaigners who slammed it as “barbaric” — because frogs’ legs are amputated while they are still alive.

An Animal Aid spokeswoman urged people to boycott London chain Eco.

She said: “The animals typically have their limbs hacked off while still alive, having been captured by the bucketload from the wild in countries like Indonesia."

Chef Sami Wasif came up with the idea on a trip to Paris — and called it “refined”.

Go ahead. Order it. But don't be surprised if you hear a squeaky wheel coming up behind you.

Joel James Is In The Hizzouse!

So, I have been in my new apartment for a little over two weeks and was getting frustrated with my landlord because my name had yet to be added to the telephone intercom system nor had it been put on my mailbox. Several phone calls and e-mails, he finally put me in the system yesterday.

Well, not me. Joel James now lives in my apartment. People misspell my last name all the time, so that wasn't a surprise. But "Joel"? Given how long it took just to get ol' Joel in there, I expect it will be a few more weeks before Joe gets added. Oh, and no name on the mailbox. I went ahead and did it myself. Handwritten on a white sticky label, which always looks like crap, I think.

By the way, if you Google "Joel James," you get this guy...




Check out his MySpace page. It's great. I feel bad for my neighbors, though.

Other than that, I do like my apartment. I went insane at Target yesterday and bought a lot of new goodies for the place. And I do mean insane. I wasn't expecting to move and really had to move some mountains to afford the transition. The last two weeks have been very tight. Down to loose change to ride the El tight. When money came in, I was like the drunk at the bar buying everyone drinks. Except instead of drinks, I bought new pot holders and underwear and dish towels and shower curtains and a shelving unit and cat litter for everyone! It's on me! I'm buying! Woo-hoo!

Everything I bought I did need. Well, almost everything. I probably didn't really need the extended and unrated versions of Death Proof and Planet Terror, but, damn, they were only $7.50 each! Who am I kidding? I needed them. They are essentials. The toothpaste and toilet paper can wait.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, once represented this well known enemy of the United States."

27% said "William Ayers"
- Nah. Who cares about a washed-up terrorist. Timmons was with a real playah.

No one said "Mahmud Ahmadinejad" or "Osama Bin Laden"

73% got it right with "Saddam Hussein"

According to The Huffington Post, William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist who John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, aided an influence effort on behalf of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to ease international sanctions against his regime.

The two lobbyists who Timmons worked closely with over a five year period on the lobbying campaign later either pleaded guilty to or were convicted of federal criminal charges that they had acted as unregistered agents of Saddam Hussein's government.

Timmons' activities occurred in the years following the first Gulf War, when Washington considered Iraq to be a rogue enemy state and a sponsor of terrorism.

Um, yah. Senator McCain, if you smell something rotten when you talk about Obama's associations, check your own drawers first. They're stinkier.