Week 38, Day 262 - "Spuhllujah"

“Spuhllujah”

Written by Joe Janes

10/7/09

262 of 365

CAST

Rachel, 20s

Mitch, 20s

Dahlmer, 20s

Sgt. O’Neill, 30s

(Lights up on Rachel, O’Neill and Mitch pinned down against the base of dirt hill in the desert. They are surrounded by gunfire and sporadically return fire. Rachel is trying to reach command on a GPS phone.)

RACHEL

Command…Come in command…Command…

O’NEILL

No luck, Rachel?

RACHEL

None, Sir. Just shit, Sir.

O’NEILL

Give it a rest and help us return fire.

MITCH

Here comes, Dahlmer!

O’NEILL

Cover him!

(They all shoot over the hill as Dahlmer comes scrambling over. Once he is safe, they all turn to help him. He is out of breath.)

O”NEILL

What’s it look like out there, lieutenant?

DAHLMER

We’re fucked, Sir. Surrounded to the North, East and West. And they’re closing on to the South of us.

RACHEL

Mother fuck.

MITCH

Seconded.

O’NEILL

Ammo and supplies. What do we have?

(They all start piling what they have on the ground between them.)

RACHEL

Two clips, one grenade.

MITCH

Two clips. Canteen. Not much left.

DAHLMER

One clip. One grenade. And I’ve got my knife.

O’NEILL (emptying his pockets)

I have two clips, my knife, and my lighter.

DAHLMER (he picks it up)

That’s a nice lighter.

O’NEILL

It was a gift.

DAHLMER

“You carry the light that ignites the fire in my heart.” Signed “C.”

RACHEL

Pretty saucy, Sir.

MITCH

Is that from Mrs. O’Neill?

O’NEILL

There is no Mrs. O’Neill.

DAHLMER

Is it your lover?

O’NEILL

You could say that. We’d be married, if we could.

RACHEL

This keeps getting hotter. Is she the general’s daughter or something naughty like that?

O’NEILL (taking back lighter)

The “C” stands for Chuck.

(There is a slight pause as this registers. Mitch holds his ears and starts rocking.)

MITCH

I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask.

(Rachel smacks him on the shoulder.)

RACHEL

Knock it off, butthead.

DAHLMER

You’re gay?

O’NEILL (loading his gun)

I’m gay.

MITCH

Now, I have to tell.

RACHEL

“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

MITCH

That’s not for me. I didn’t ask and he told me anyway.

DAHLMER

You’re gay?

O’NEILL

Still “yes.” Load your weapons, men. We’re going to hold our ground as long as we can. Maybe we’ll get air support. (He looks over the hill and returns some fire.) Am I doing this by myself or are you guys going to pitch in and shoot some bad guys?

(Rachel joins him.)

MITCH

I can’t do this. I can’t fight side-by-side with a homosexual.

O’NEILL

You didn’t have a problem with it before you knew I was a homosexual.

MITCH

Right! Before you told me. Now all I can think about is you naked having sex with men.

O’NEILL

Not my problem.

DAHLMER

Who’s he having sex with?

MITCH

You.

DAHLMER

Me? Why are you having sex with me?

O’NEILL

Really not my type, Dahlmer.

MITCH

He’s gay. He’ll screw anything. He’s probably lusting after me, right now.

O’NEILL

Actually, that’s not true. I don’t screw women and right now you two look like the biggest pussies I’ve ever met.

RACHEL

Besides, you two idiots don’t realize that you’ve been fighting side-by-side with lots of gay soldiers. You just don’t notice it because they’re more focused on being soldiers than buggering your fat asses.

(Dahlmer loads his gun and joins Rachel and O’Neill.)

DAHLMER

No one’s going to do me in the behind. I’m a top.

(He and O’Neill exchange man nods.)

MITCH

Cheez Louise, are Rachel and I the only normal heterosexuals in this company. (Rachel looks at him between shots and winks.) You too! That explains why you wouldn’t sleep with me.

RACHEL

There are other reasons, but that’s the main one. I don’t do penis.

O’NEILL

You gonna help us out, Mitch or not?

MITCH

Why, Sarge, why? Why did you have to tell us?

(O’Neill comes down and gets in Mitch’s face.)

O’NEILL

I put my life on the line for you. I’ve pulled your ass out of the fire on more than one occasion. You’ve saved mine, too. We’re pinned. We’re fucked. We might just die here today. I wanted you to know because it’s who I am. And it doesn’t change the way I fight or the way I serve our country. The people shooting at us and the bullets flying out of their guns don’t care who’s straight of who’s gay over here. If we’re going to survive this thing, we need to do it together. And if we’re going to die, I’d rather do that together, too. Fuck ‘em.

(Mitch loads his gun.)

MITCH

Fuck ‘em.

(Mitch returns fire, O’Neill returns to his position. A grenade lands on the ground at their feet.)

MITCH

Somebody jump on it!

RACHEL

You jump on it!

MITCH

I’m straight. I want to have kids. Someone gay jump on it.

DAHLMER

Fuck you. I want to adopt.

MITCH

What a horrible thing to do to a child.

(O’Neill takes off his helmet and puts it over the grenade, holding it down with his weight. It explodes. When everything clears, we see the four in rather compromising positions. Dahlmer is bent over with Rachel behind him her hips to his buns. Mitch’s face is in O’Neill’s crotch.)

O’NEILL

Mitch…Mitch…

(Mitch screams and comes to. We hear a helicopter overhead firing at the enemy.)

RACHEL

Hey, it’s one of ours.

DAHLMER

The assholes are running. We’re gonna get out of this.

O’NEIL

Mitch. You can detach your face from my crotch.

MITCH (sitting up quickly)

Don’t tell anyone.

(Blackout.)

Week 38, Day 261 - "Baby Milosh"

“Baby Milosh”

Written by Joe Janes

10/6/09

261 of 365

CAST

Kevin, 30s

Baby Milosh, two months

(In the dark we hear a baby crying.)

CLAIRE (offstage)

It’s you turn.

KEVIN (offstage)

Hmphrrrr.

CLAIRE (offstage)

It’s your turn.

KEVIN (offstage)

I have to get up in two hours. (Pause) Fine.

(We hear shuffling and a lamp is turned on onstage. We see Kevin, in a bathrobe, looking haggard, and standing near a crib. )

KEVIN

Shhh, shhh, hey, there little guy. Hey, there. Everyone in the world is trying to sleep except for you. (He picks up Milosh, who continues to cry.) I have to work in the morning. Which it already is. Morning. I need too get up and get ready in two hours. What’s the matter, baby? Work with me, here. If Daddy doesn’t get any zzzz’s, he’ll fall asleep at his desk, again. (Pause) You hungry? Need a little snack to get you through the night? Mmmm, look what I’ve got. (He pulls a small bottle of formula out of his robe pocket.) It’s pizza. Okay, it’s not pizza. Sorry, I lied to you. But I promise, some day, you will eat pizza. You will eat pizza at night, during the day; you will even eat it for breakfast. It is quite possible that after a rough night, you will awaken to find you have transformed the pizza you were eating into a pillow. And it will not bother you. It is nature’s most perfect food. You don’t want your ba-ba? No ba-ba? (Milosh is still crying) What is up, dude? You’re not wet or smelly…Okay, okay. Let’s go for a stroll. This side of the room is lovely this time of night. Do you like the baby sheep? Me, neither. Looks like cotton balls with googlie eyes. Mommy painted them. I’m not sure why she wanted to adorn your walls with stinky farm animals. No wonder you can’t sleep. Don’t worry. Someday, you will eat them. Probably out of spite. Probably on pizza. (Milosh is still crying) Not enjoying your midnight stroll? Let’s see. (He looks in to the crib.) You want your rattle? (He holds it up) No? Okay, how about your pacifier? It’s like a nipple toy. No? (He looks at the nipple and puts it in his own mouth. He gives it a try.) Daddy kind of digs this. (He puts it back in the crib. Milosh is still crying) Let’s have a seat. (He sits and starts to sing to the softly crying Milosh.) “Hush, little Milosh, don’t you cry/ Daddy’s gonna sing you a lullaby? And if that lullaby don’t work/ Mommy’s gonna think you’re a great big jerk” (Milosh still cries.) Don’t you hunger desperately for my approval? No? I need to expand my lullaby repertoire. What are you looking at, baby boy? What are you looking at? …What are your looking at? (Kevin looks around, making sure they’re alone.) Well, okay. Let’s see if that works. (He opens his robe and puts Milosh up to his bare breast. Milosh stops crying and contently noshes on Kevin’s boob.) You like that. It tickles. But it also feels pretty good. Mommy’s been holding out. Let’s see if the other one works. (He switches Milosh to his other breast.) Ew, boy, you’re slobbering all over my boobs.

CLAIRE

Like father, like son.

(She flicks on an overhead light revealing she is standing in the doorway. Claire is also in a bathrobe.)

KEVIN (standing, whispering)

Honey, it’s not what it looks like.

CLAIRE

You are a very sick man.

KEVIN (whispering)

I was just trying to keep him from crying. Look, it’s working.

(Claire considers this.)

CLAIRE

Okay.

(She turns the overhead light off.)

KEVIN (whispering)

Hey, take over for me. I have to work.

CLAIRE (walking off)

Looks like you don’t need me. Goodnight.

(Kevin sits back down. Milosh has gone to sleep.)

KEVIN

Oh, hey, look who’s gone off to sleepy land. Yeah. Daddy can go back to sleep. (He puts Milosh back in the crib) Ew. (He picks a chest hair off of Milosh’s face. Blackout.)

Week 38, Day 260 - "Just In Case"

“Just In Case”

Written by Joe Janes

10/5/09

260 of 365

CAST:

Malory, 30s

Mike, 30s

(Lights up on Malory sitting in her living room with her eyes closed.)

MIKE (offstage)

Keep your eyes closed, honey.

MALORIE

They’re closed. Hurry, the suspense is killing me!

(Mike enters carrying an axe that has been wrapped in tin foil and has a bow on it.)

MIKE

Here I come.

(He sneaks up next to her and holds the axe out in front of her, presenting it to her.)

MIKE (continuing)

Happy Anniversary, Malory Finklestein.

(She opens her eyes and squeals and then looks confused.)

MALORIE

Happy Anniversary, Michael Finklestein. It’s an axe.

MIKE

Hey, you’re supposed to open it first.

MALORIE

Pretty sure it’s an axe.

MIKE

Don’t you want to unwrap it?

MALORIE

I’m sure if I needed to, I could use it without unwrapping it. (She looks at it some more.) Are you taking me camping and we have to build our own log cabin?

MIKE

No, silly. To be used around the house. If we ever need it. Hopefully, we’ll never need it.

MALORIE

This is not what I expected at all.

MIKE

It’s kind of a tradition in my family.

MALORIE

To give axes for first anniversary presents? What’s second year, chain saws?

MIKE

It’s for security. (He sets the axe down and kneels down next to Malory, holding her hand.) Malory, I want you to know, that I love you. And I will always do whatever needs to be done out of my love for you. Even if it means burying this axe into your head to destroy your brain should you ever become a zombie.

MALORIE

That’s sweet, Mike. Up until the zombie part. Actually, just before. The destroying my brain part by inserting this axe into my head. Sweet up till then.

MIKE

And I would expect you to do the same for me.

MALORIE

But only if you become a zombie, right?

MIKE

Or a vampire. But you would also need to put a stake in my heart and use the axe to remove my head. There are stakes in a shoebox on the high shelf in the hall closet. I was going to wait until your birthday to give you those.

MALORIE

On Buffy, it’s just a quick jab and the vampires disintegrate.

MIKE

Honey, that’s just a TV show.

MALORIE

You’re serious about all this.

MIKE

As serious as I could ever be. My great great grandmother, Josephina Finklestein, came back from the dead and my great great grandfather, Gilbert Finklestein, didn’t have the heart to take her down with a blow to the head. She ate him. Would have taken over the whole town if my great grandmother, Blanche Finklestein, hadn’t picked up an axe and started chopping off the heads of the living dead.

MALORIE

How do you know your Blanche Finklestein wasn’t just an axe-wielding serial killer?

MIIKE

That’s what the police said when they locked her up in the insane asylum. But he rest of my family knew better. And we’ve always taken this precaution with our loved ones.

MALORIE

Tell you what. Let’s put this away in the closet with the wooden stakes. It’s there if we ever need it. (She takes the axe and walks off stage to put it in the closet. From offstage we hear…) Oh, Mike! This is beautiful. (She walks back in holding silver candlesticks.) These candlesticks are beautiful. You are such a practical joker. You really had me going. These are the best anniversary gift ever. (She hugs him)

MIKE

Um, those are for making silver bullets.

(Blackout)

Week 37, Day 259 - "Give A Little"

“Give A Little”

Written by Joe Janes

10/4/09

259 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 30s

Whit, 30s

David. 30s

Alice, 30s

Anthony, 30s

(This is a silent scene done to light upbeat instrumental music. Lights up on Andrew, casually dressed, walking down the street. He sees Anthony sucking on a soda with a burger in his hand. Whit, a homeless guy, approaches Anthony with is hand out. Anthony hands Whit the soda which Whit discovers is empty. Anthony laughs, flips off Whit and walks off. Whit throws the soda cup down on the ground. Andrew walks up to Whit. He reaches into his pocket and hands an appreciative Whit a quarter. Whit exits. Andrew continues and encounters David, another homeless man, but more poorly dressed. David has his hand out. Andrew reaches into his pockets, but comes up empty. He pulls out his wallet and hands David a one-dollar bill. An appreciative David shakes Andrews hand in thanks and exits. Andrew continues and encounters Alice, a very homeless person seated on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign that says please help. Andrew pats his pockets as if to say “sorry.” He pulls out his wallet and shows her that it is empty. She reaches into the wallet and pulls out a credit card. She moves her sign and reveals a small machine she uses to scan the credit card. She does it again. There’s clearly something wrong. She tries it one more time. She shakes her head at Andrew. She takes a pair of scissors out of her pockets and cuts up the card in front of Andrew. Alice shoos him away. Andrew walks off. He sees the soda cup on the ground and picks it up. He uses it to start begging for change. Whit comes out eating a burger and drinking a soda. He sees Andrew. Andrew holds his cup out to him. Whit takes a big bite out of his burger and stuffs the remaining sandwich into Andrew’s cup. Whit walks off. Andrew starts picking at the sandwich and eating it. Lights fade,)

Week 37, Day 258 - "Come Again, Again"

“Come Again, Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/3/09

258 of 365

CAST

Juanita, 60

Merle, 40

Zak, 80

Felicia, 20

Nadia, 30

Jesus, 33

(Everyone except Jesus is huddled downstage looking out at an image on a wall. They are enraptured. Upstage, Jesus, in robes and sandals, walks across from stage right to stage left. Before clearing the stage, he stops when he hears this…)

JUANITA

It’s a miracle.

MERLE

It’s a sign from God almighty.

ZAK

I’m going to pray for it to heal my erectile dysfunction.

(He starts praying.)

FELICIA

It looks just like him…from this angle.

NADIA

It fills me with hope. It means Jesus is looking out for us.

(Jesus is a little annoyed by hearing this, He comes up through the center or the crowd to see what they are looking at.)

JESUS

What am I looking at?

JUANITA

It’s the image of our savior.

JESUS

I’m not seeing it.

MERLE (demonstrating)

Soft eyes, soft eyes…

JESUS (using soft eyes)

…Okay…I think I see it…what’s it made out of?

ZAK

Bird poop.

JESUS

What?

ZAK

Several pounds of bird poop. See, the pigeons roost up there under the overpass. They poop and it dribbles down the side. After all these years, it’s formed into this heavenly apparition.

FELICIA

It’s truly a miracle. I once saw the bird poop cry.

NADIA

A sign that in these dark, desperate times, our shepherd is here to save us. To protect us. I feel so blessed.

(Jesus looks at the image more intently. Then shrugs.)

JESUS

Looks like Elvis.

(He exits as the rest look at the image differently and with sadness and disappointment. Lights fade.)

Week 37, Day 257 - "Come Again"

“Come Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/2/09

257 of 365

CAST:

Father Ritchie, 40s

Donna, 20s

Jesus, 33

(Lights up on Father Ritchie pacing around his church’s lobby. Donna enters carrying a box.)

DONNA

Father Ritchie. I brought everything you asked me to bring.

FATHER

Oh, thank you, Donna. Thank you.

DONNA

What’s the big occasion?

FATHER

Donna, he’s coming.

DONNA

Tom Cruise?

FATHER

No. Jesus. Jesus is coming.

DONNA

Father Ritchie, that’s just a bumper sticker we give out at Sunday coffee.

FATHER

No, Donna. I had a vision. He came to me during the night. My room filled with light and this figure of a holy man came down from the heavens and stood before me.

DONNA

What did he say?

FATHER

Hi. I’m Jesus. I’m coming back. He was very to the point.

DONNA

Wow. That’s amazing. Did he give any more details?

FATHER

He did. He said how’s 10am in the church foyer?

DONNA

Jesus used the word “foyer”? He’s so wise. What did you say?

FATHER

It’s a Thursday. I’m free all day. And then he floated away.

DONNA

It’s almost 10. I’m going to meet Jesus.

FATHER

Yes, Donna. We both are. Live and in the flesh.

DONNA

Why me? Out of all the people in the world, Father Ritchie, why me? Why was I chosen?

FATHER

Oh, it’s a Thursday morning. You work nights at a 711. I knew you were available.

DONNA

My lack of ambition has finally worked in my favor.

(Jesus enters dressed in standard savior garb, robe and sandals.)

JESUS

Father Ritchie.

FATHER (kneeling)

Jesus Christ, my Lord.

(Donna kneels, too.)

JESUS

You really don’t need to do that. Please get up. Really, please.

(They do so and stand for an awkward moment.)

FATHER

So…welcome back. What brings you here?

JESUS

Well, I have big plans, Father Ritchie. My father and I have a message of peace and understanding-

FATHER

Oh! We got you a few things.

JESUS

Not really necessary.

FATHER

Oh, but it’s our pleasure. Good pleasure. Not pleasure pleasure. Donna, the box. (Donna brings the box over.)

DONNA

I’m Donna. But you probably already knew that.

JESUS

Actually, I didn’t. Nice to meet you.

FATHER

I had Donna stop by the church gift shop and pick up a few things-

DONNA

I thought you knew everything.

JESUS

That’s my dad. I’m just smart.

FATHER

We got you one of our finest Bibles.

(Father hands him a Bible.)

JESUS

One of your finest. There’s more than one.

FATHER

Oh, hundreds. This one is written in modern vernacular so everyone can enjoy it.

(Jesus flips through it.)

JESUS

Nice binding. (Reads) “Iron Box Mary.”

FATHER

Slang for “virgin.”

JESUS

My mother was a virgin? I don’t think that’s accurate. Doesn’t make much sense.

DONNA

Haven’t you read the Bible?

JESUS

Just the Old Testament. Of course, back then; we just called it The Testament. Anyway, my plan is to spread the word of God to all corners of the world-

FATHER (handing it to Jesus)

And we got you the Lord’s Prayer pressed into a penny.

JESUS

Oh, look at that. You mutilated a coin in honor of Christianity. I can get behind that.

DONNA

This way, you can keep the Lord’s Prayer with you at all times.

JESUS

I already do.

DONNA

You mean in your heart.

JESUS

I mean up here. (Points to his head) It’s pretty easy to memorize. Just don’t ask me the Ten Commandments. I always blank out on one or two.

FATHER

Me, too!

DONNA

I’m that way with the seven dwarves.

JESUS

So, Father Ritchie, and Donna, you two are the start of my plan. You represent my flock. I was gone for a while. Haven’t really been paying much attention, either. I’m ready to come back. But I will need trustworthy disciples-

FATHER

Oh, there’s one more gift. You can put it on your wall-

JESUS

I don’t have a wall-

FATHER (pulling it out of the box)

It’s a crucifix-

JESUS

What the fuck! Are you a fucking lunatic! Get that thing away from me!

FATHER

But, look, it’s you. Right there!

DONNA

Jesus is a vampire.

JESUS

I’m not a vampire. That was the worst day of my life! What makes you think Id want to relive that?

DONNA

But you died for our sins.

JESUS

I didn’t have a choice. That thing is sick. You people are sick. You people put that up on your walls?

FATHER

We have a huge one over the altar. (He points. Jesus notices.)

JESUS

Me nailed to a cross bleeding is above your altar? You guys working for Satan?

DONNA

We drink your blood and eat your flesh.

JESUS

And you called me a vampire. Fucking cannibals. Are you all like this?

FATHER

Well, just the Christians. The Jews don’t do that. They don’t believe in you.

JESUS

Great. You guys treat me like some Halloween party decoration and the Jews think I’m Santa Claus. Screw it. I’m outta here. (He looks up as he exits) I tried, Dad. I tried. Nice work.

(He throws the Bible at them and exits. Father Ritchie considers the crucifix.)

FATHER

This thing is a bit hideous.

DONNA

I don’t know. I think he has nice hips.

(Blackout)

Week 37, Day 256 - "Des Moines"

“Des Moines”

Written by Joe Janes

10/01/09

255 of 365

CAST:

Kevin, 40s

(Lights up on a microphone and stand far stage left with a spotlight on it. We hear the sound of restless arena-sized crowd. Kevin, a man trying very hard not to be pudgy, but failing miserably comes out in a too tight t-shirt for Q-103.75. “Home of the Marmoset.” He carries a small inflated beach ball. He tosses it out to the crowd.)

KEVIN

Are you ready to rock?... I said, are you ready to rock, Des Moines? This is Kevin Budake (boo-dacky) from Q-103.75, Home of the Marmoset. (We hear people “boo”) That’s right, Budake. I came here to Chick-Fil-A Arena to rock! Did you come here to rock? Good. Because there will be rock. And roll. There will also be rolling. We will leave here tonight having resoundingly, without question, rocked and rolled. Thunder Cheek will be out in just a minute. Before they do, the managers at the station and our sponsor, Spaghetti Warehouse and Self-Storage, wanted me to take the time to apologize for something I said on the air this morning. Sheila K., the news chick and I were doing some witty banter about the economy. Uh, let me just say that it was an accident. It wasn’t intentional. When I called Sheila a Jew, I was just joking. I didn’t know that she was really a Jew and would, therefore, find being called a Jew offensive. “K.” apparently stands for Kleinheimerstein. She probably would have found it funny if she weren’t a Jew. I find it quite hilarious when people call me a Jew. Call ne a Jew and I will giggle. Because I am not one. I’m really surprised Sheila’s a Jew. This is Des Moines. She’s probably the only one. Along with her family. And all those people that go to that synagogue building that I thought was for Mormons. So, boy, do I have matzo on my face. (With a Jewish accent) Oy vay, am I sorry or what? So, Sheila, I hope you accept my apology and I see you back at the station tomorrow, unless, it’s of course, some holiday I don’t know about. In which case, I’ll see you the next Jewish workday. (He looks offstage with a questioning look) Now, it’s time for Thunder Cheek…? (He looks offstage and shakes his head questioningly) Okay. One more thing. Now, when I tried to apologize on the air to Sheila by saying I was just monkeying around, I mean, come on. It was really harmless. I didn’t mean anything by that even though I am fully aware of Sheila’s African-American heritage, of which she should really, really be proud. And, hey, we’re Home of the Marmoset – a monkey. No one’s ever complained about that. Well, actually, I have. Who the hell’s ever heard of a marmoset? Particularly, a marmoset that rocks. Besides, I said I was the monkey, not Sheila. Curious George always-getting-into-trouble kind of monkeying around. Not that any of this is about anyone’s skin color, but because of Sheila’s particular pigmentation, I really didn’t expect her to be African American and Jewish American, too. Some people have accused me of being a racist and that hurts. It couldn’t be further from the truth. If you knew me, you would know better. I voted for Obama. A black man and a Muslim, which is like a Jew. So, I’m sorry, really, really sorry, if anyone was offended by my poor choice of words this morning. We cool? We cool? (He looks off stage pleadingly) We cool. Now, here all the way from San Francisco, the world’s first all-Asian heavy metal band, Thunder Chink…. Oh, shit.

(Blackout)