Week 44, Day 308 - "Kick The Can"

“Kick The Can”

Written by Joe Janes

11/22/09

308 of 365

Cast:

Holly, 30s

Duncan, 40s

(Lights up on Duncan, a middle-aged businessman, under a table, hunched down on the floor stacking what appears to be papers. Next to him is a cardboard cigar box. Holly, a middle-aged businesswoman, enters. She has a red mark on her hand. He doesn’t notice. She clears her throat.)

DUNCAN (rising)

Holly Langford! It’s nice to finally meet you.

(Holly reaches out her hand to shake his. He bypasses her hand and punches her on the upper arm in a friendly way.)

HOLLY

Nice too finally meet you, too, Mr. Burris.

DUNCAN

Call me Duncan. Everybody calls me Duncan. Have a seat.

(Holly looks around and doesn’t see any chairs.)

DUNCAN (continuing)

Right here, silly. Under the table.

(He crawls under the table and pats the floor next to him. She reluctantly joins him.)

HOLLY

Being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company must be very stressful…

DUNCAN

I wanted to become a pirate, but Harvard wouldn’t let me declare that as a major.

HOLLY (looking through stack of papers)

Comic books.

DUNCAN

I think it’s important to have hobbies. Do you have a hobby?

HOLLY

I collect Hummels.

DUNCAN

You collect telescopes!

HOLLY

Uh, no. Little figurines.

DUNCAN

Oh, right. You’re a girl.

(Holly picks up something not a comic book.)

HOLLY

Victoria’s Secret?

DUNCAN (grabbing it from her)

Oh, sheesh! Ha! Those guys!

(Duncan picks up the cigar box.)

DUNCAN

Cigar?

HOLLY

No, thank you.

DUNCAN

Mind?

HOLLY

Go right ahead.

(Duncan pulls a pretzel rod out of the cigar box and pretends to light it and blow a smoke ring.)

DUNCAN

Shhh. They’re Cuban. Drink?

HOLLY

I’m not sure.

DUNCAN

I usually take a little snort of scotch this time of day.

HOLLY

Okay.

(Duncan pulls out a small can of chocolate syrup makes two openings in it with a church key. He takes a sip and hands it to her.)

DUNCAN

Single malt.

HOLLY

Thanks.

(Holly takes a small sip and forces a quick smile after.)

DUNCAN

Have some more.

HOLLY

Oh, no. Goes right to my head.

DUNCAN

Lightweight. (Duncan takes a big swig, crawls out and grabs her file from his desk.) Holly, I didn’t ask you here to just drink and smoke and discuss comic books.

HOLLY

I didn’t think so.

DUNCAN

Really? Oh. I’ve been looking over your executive performance review.

HOLLY

Good things, I hope.

DUNCAN

Very good things. Hard worker, strong leadership, keen manager. Not bad for dumb ol’ girl.

HOLLY

Does this mean I’m in line for a promotion?

DUNCAN

Oh, we’ve got lots of goodies lined up for you, Holly. New position, new office, company car and expense account. $20,000 raise. And a perpetually bowl of M & Ms on your desk, but only in the colors you like best. I have green. Would you like us to give you something like that?

HOLLY

Yes, Duncan. Yes, I would.

DUNCAN

Great. Great. I’d like to give it to you.

HOLLY

But…?

DUNCAN

Well, I can’t just hand these opportunities out to every qualified candidate that crosses my path. There’s something you have to do for me first.

HOLLY

Oh.

DUNCAN

Promotions aren’t just handed out willy-nilly. I just need a teensy favor.

HOLLY

What would you like me to do?

DUNCAN

Something special. Something only you can do. Something that really shows your loyalty to the company. To me. Do we understand each other?

HOLLY

You want me…to..show you…my…boobies?

(Duncan grabs a comic book and covers his crotch.)

DUNCAN

Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Wow! No one’s ever tried to do that before!

HOLLY

What have other people done?

DUNCAN

Everybody does something different. Tate snorted a bowl of lime jell-o through a straw. Nystrom pulled his eyelids inside out. Linstroth is double-jointed and can pull his thumb back to touch his forearm. Don’t you do anything cool like that?

HOLLY

No. I don’t. I’ve never done anything like that. Does that mean I don’t get the promotion?

DUNCAN

Well, I just want to be fair. Everyone else did something. I’m sorry, Holly. If you think of something, though, let me know.

(Holly walks to the door.)

HOLLY

Is it because I’m girl?

DUNCAN

What? No! Clarisse in marketing got a promotion.

HOLLY

Really? Little tiny demure Clarisse? What did she do?

DUNCAN

She painted a face on her belly button and made it tell a joke about a nun with one leg. The joke wasn’t very funny, but she did it in a pirate voice.

HOLLY

I don’t know any jokes, either.

DUNCAN

I don’t know any nuns with one leg.

HOLLY

I guess I’m not cut out for this. (She grabs the doorknob and notices the mark on her hand.) Would you like to see my scab?

DUNCAN

Yah. (She shows him.) Cool. How’d you get it?

HOLLY

I burned myself.

DUNCAN

With a candle? Like G. Gordon Liddy?

HOLLY

With a curling iron. Like a girl.

DUNCAN

That is one of the most awesome scabs I have ever seen.

HOLLY

Thank you.

DUNCAN

Can I pick it?

HOLLY

Pick it?

DUNCAN

Yeah. I want to peel it off. Please, oh, please, oh, please.

HOLLY

Company car, eh?

(Duncan nods. She holds her hand out to him. He peels off the scab with glee.)

HOLLY

Guess I’m now worthy of a promotion, right?

DUNCAN

Almost. (He holds the scab out to her.) Eat it.

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 307 - "You Know - Like The End of the World"

“You Know – Like The End of the World”

Written by Joe Janes

11/21/09

307 of 365

CAST:

Peter, late teens

Muriel, late teens

News Anchor, ???

(Lights up on Peter, a nerdy teen who got dressed up, complete with a corsage, escorting Muriel, an emo-goth girl, into his room. SPECIAL NOTE: There is the role of the TV News Anchor which can be done entirely as a voice-over or on stage in a separate playing area>))

PETER

And this is my room, where all the magic happens.

MURIEL

What magic?

PETER

My homework, mostly.

MURIEL

Look, I know we don’t know each other really well, but I appreciate you trying to help me with algebra.

PETER

I am always happy to help a damsel in distress. (He pulls out a chair.) Your throne. (She, of mild disgust, sits.)

MURIEL

Your mom told my mom that you’re really good with math.

PETER

Ha. “Really good” is an understatement, Numbers are my bitches.

MURIEL

I wouldn’t need help if Mr. Othic hadn’t caught me cheating.

PETER

Well, that’s the problem with writing teeny, tiny notes on your shoes. It causes you to squint and stare at your Chuck Taylors.

MURIEL

Why are you dressed up? Did you go to a prom earlier? Or church? Or some church prom?

PETER

No. I just like to dress up when a lady comes to visit.

MURIEL

Whatever.

PETER

Do you mind if I turn on the television? I don’t want to miss the “Lost” marathon.

MURIEL

You like “Lost”?

PETER

Oh, yes, indeed. I find its time paradoxes to be fascinating brain ticklers. Like algebra.

MURIEL

I tried watching it once. I thought it was stupid. Nobody survives a plane crash like that. And a smoke monster? Is that to try to get me to quit cigarettes? Can I smoke in here?

PETER

Normally, I would say yes. But my mom and dad could come home at any moment and they wouldn’t be so understanding. (He turns down the volume.) I’ll keep the volume down. I’ve seen them all before. I just want to see if they include any Easter eggs, like fake commercials for Oceana Airlines. Now, then, did you bring your algebra book?

MURIEL

No. You didn’t say I’d need it.

PETER

I see. Well, fear not. I, Peter the Awesome, am always prepared. I have kept copies of my textbooks over the years and have my algebra book from last year. (He goes to a bookshelf) Here we go.

MURIEL

You’re not supposed to keep your book.

PETER

You’re not supposed to cheat on tests, either.

MURIEL

Don’t you end up paying a fine for not returning the book?

PETER

Which my father gladly pays for… sucker.

(They hear a high-pitched tone coming from the television. Then a squawking sound. Then the voice of an exasperated announcer.)

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test. I repeat, this is NOT a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is an actual emergency. We’re getting news reports from all corners of the globe. The polar ice caps have melted. Repeat, they have melted, raising tide levels all over the world. Every know active volcano has erupted and is spewing lava, every known fault line has shifted and earthquakes are all registering a devastating ten on the Richter Scale, wild fires, tsunamis, tidal waves, hurricanes. Every known natural disaster is now bearing down upon this planet.

PETER

Oh my God.

MURIEL

That’s horrible.

PETER

It’s a good thing we’re in Kansas. I don’t think any of those things will affect us.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

More horrible news is coming in, ladies and gentleman. Oh, this is just horrible. On tip of these natural disasters, swine flu seems to have quadrupled in strength. We’re getting reports of swine flu, sars, west Nile, every conceivable type of flu is falling mankind.

MURIEL

Oh, Peter.

(Muriel grabs on to Peter, who likes that she did that.)

PETER

Don’t worry, Muriel. I’ll protect you.

MURIEL

How can you protect me from the flu?

PETER

I have plenty of free time and often run doomsday scenarios here in my bedroom. (He pulls back his closet door.) Here I have a bounty of survival needs. Cliff bars, bottled water, a filter for turning urine into water, gallons of hand sanitizer, toilet paper, a CB radio and a battery-powered PlayStation 3.

MURIEL

What about a gun, for protection?

PETER

I have nun-chucks.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Ladies and gentleman, I keep hoping I can break in with some good news, but, I’m afraid, I only have more. The moon has broken its orbit and is hurtling towards us. Flying saucers are hovering over all major cities blasting major buildings and landmarks with some massive laser-like weapon. The dead are coming back to life and feasting on the living. It’s unclear if these two incidents are related. And this just is, the skies have cracked open and the air force reports seeing four men on horseback riding across the stratosphere looking intent. I’m not sure what that means, but that is the word used, intent. Maybe they meant intense.

MURIEL

Peter, what are we going to do?

PETER

We’ll be safe in here. I’ll lock all the doors and windows (He does this as he speaks.) Muriel, if we survive this…

MURIEL

Yes?

PETER

Well, we may have to repopulate the planet.

MURIEL

Okay. Can we do that later?

PETER

Um, sure. I’m not saying it just to, you know, have my way with you. I’m being practical. We’re young, we’re fertile, we may be mankind’s only hope.

MURIEL

I really don’t want to think about it, right now, Peter. The world is crumbling around us.

PETER

I’m sorry to harp on it, but just in case something should happen to me. I want you to know we’re still covered.

MURIEL

I have no idea what you’re talking about. If you die, you’ll become a zombie and I’ll have to beat your brains in with num-chucks. Which I am willing to do.

(Peter pulls out a small Styrofoam ice chest from the closet.)

PETER

This ice chest is filled with over a hundred vials of my nectar. (He takes off the lid.)

MURIEL

You keep your own… in old prescription bottles?

PETER

I told you. I’m prepared for any doomsday scenario. Whatever you don’t use, you might be able to sell on the black market. If there are other survivors, they’ll want to start giving birth to geniuses. And here’s a turkey baster! I put a ribbon on it.

MURIEL

I’m having a hard time dealing with all this, Peter. The last thing I want to think about is popping out little Peters to repopulate the planet.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

As if things couldn’t get any worse, folks, poisonous giant spiders are climbing our television tower. We’ll be off the air soon. Apparently, giant spiders are crawling all over electric systems all over the world and are about to knock out all electronic communications grids. The consequences of this will surely be the final nail in humanity’s coffin. We’ll all be cut off from one another as all airplanes currently in flight drop from the skies like dead birds. Dead birds struck down in flight. Falling like rocks. Rocks shaped like dead birds. Or large airplanes. What’s this under my desk? Snakes! Snakes! Motherfucking sna-

(The announcer is cut off and all we hear is fuzz. The lights cut off in Peter’s room. He quickly lights a portable lantern. He and Muriel stare at one another and hold hands over the lamp. We hear the sound of an airplane falling from the sky. It gets louder and louder. They run to the window to look. They see it crash in a big ball of fire.)

MURIEL

See. No survivors.

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 306 - "Grand Opening"

“Grand Opening”

Written by Joe Janes

11/20/09

306 of 365

CAST:

Grace, 40s

Cheryl, 40s

George, 40s

(Lights up on Grace folding organizing dry-cleaned clothes on a mechanical rack near the front of her store. Cheryl enters. Grace doesn’t notice. Cheryl crosses her arms. Cheryl saunters up to the desk and rings the desk bell. It startles Grace.)

GRACE

Oh, hi. You scared me. I didn’t see you there.

CHERYL

Uh-hunh.

GRACE

Do you need anything dry cleaned?

CHERYL

Got a question for you, Grace’s Laundromat and Dry Cleaners. Are you Grace?

GRACE

Yes, I am.

CHERYL

Good to know, good to know.

GRACE

Was that the only question?

CHERYL

Nope. Got another one for you? How long have you been in business?

GRACE

Oh, uh, let’s see. A little over a year. Almost two. I started as just a laundromat and added dry cleaning a year ago.

CHERYL

A little over a year. Interesting. Let me do you a favor.

(Cheryl exits and walks over to the store window and takes down a sign that says “Grand Opening” and hands it to Grace.)

CHERYL (continuing)

You’re welcome.

GRACE

You can’t do that.

CHERYL

That sign says “Grand Opening.” You opened over a year ago. Guess what? No more grand opening. You opened. Not grand anymore.

GRACE

I don’t care. It’s my sign and I’ll put it up if I want.

CHERYL

I walk past that thing every day. It’s like a daily slap in the face. I wonder what the Better Business Bureau would say about your “grand opening.”

GRACE

Look, you’re not even a customer. Why should I care what you think?

CHERYL

Maybe I would be a customer if I felt I could trust you based on your lying signs. How can I trust you to clean a pants suit if I can’t trust you to tell the truth? How do I even know you dry clean? Maybe you just air stuff out on a clothesline and Febreez the crap out of it.

GRACE

I do good work. People are happy with the service I provide. I take care of my customers. I even have specials.

CHERYL

Oh, don’t get me started on your specials. (She takes down another sign from the window.) This says “Special! Two Blouses or Shirts for the Price of One.”

GRACE (taking the sign)

Sounds like a special to me.

CHERYL

Except you never take that friggin’ sign down. If you always offer a 2-4-1 special, guess what? It ain’t special. It’s ordinary. It’s the price.

GRACE

You don’t come in here and tell me how to run my store.

CHERYL

Really? Really? That’s interesting, because I think I have every right to do that. Remember that dry cleaners that was one the corner?

GRACE

Was that yours?

CHERYL

Yep. Cheryl’s Just Dry Cleaning. I’m Cheryl. When you were just a laundromat, I didn’t mind. I was just a dry cleaners. Business started tapering off when you had your second grand opening for the new dry cleaning. Not unusual. Figured people would come back. Then you started running your “special.” I had a few devoted regulars stick it out, but it wasn’t enough. Had to close shop, Grace. So, you can understand how-

GRACE

I was just trying to provide a service for my customers. All their cleaning needs in one stop.

(George enters carrying a wad of clothes in his hands.)

GEORGE

Hello, Cheryl. Grace.

GRACE

Hi, George. Let me take those for you.

(She takes his clothes and goes behind the counter and starts working his order.)

CHERYL

Your cable knit sweater with the autumn leaves. I remember that sweater.

GEORGE

Yep.

CHERYL

You bought it to wear at your first Thanksgiving with your girlfriend’s family. How is Linda?

GEORGE

Good. We got married last summer.

CHERYL

Oh. I didn’t know. Congratulations.

GRACE

It was a lovely ceremony.

CHERYL (To Grace)

Treat it well. It’s a special sweater.

GRACE

I treat all of George’s clothes with special care. Whether it’s his sweater or his silk boxers.

CHERYL

Silk boxers?

GEORGE

Linda likes them. I don’t think you should be here, Cheryl. I’m with Grace’s Laundromat and Dry Cleaning. I’ve moved on. So should you.

(Cheryl starts to tear up. She starts to leave. Just as she reaches the door-)

GEORGE (continuing)

Cheryl. (She stops, but doesn’t turn.) I’m sorry things didn’t work out. My sweater was at its best with you. (He mouths “sorry” to Grace who shrugs.)

CHERYL

Enjoy Grace’s grand opening.

(Cheryl starts to cry and runs out.)

GRACE

Sorry about that, George.

GEORGE

I feel dirty.

GRACE

I can help you with that.

(Lights fade.)

Week 44, Day 305 - "Future Electric"

“Future Electric”

Written by Joe Janes

11/19/09

305 of 365

CAST:

Jason, 30s

Sayjal, 30s

(Jason, in a white jumpsuit enters a dark stage.)

JASON

On.

(Lights come on.)

SAYJAL (VO)

Hello, Jason.

JASON

Messages?

SAYJAL (VO)

None.

JASON

None?

SAYJAL (VO)

You have no messages.

JASON

Oh. Nothing from Cindy.

SAYJAL (VO)

Nothing from Cindy.

(Jason walks over to closet and takes off his white jumpsuit.)

SAYJAL (VO)

Rough day?

JASON

Long day.

SAYJAL (VO)

Shall I make you some hot cocoa?

JASON

I think I’ll just go to bed.

(He puts on another white jumpsuit that has bunny-ear footies.)

SAYJAL (VO)

Shall I read you the day’s news?

JASON

Anything different from yesterday or the day before?

SAYJAL (VO)

A genetically modified turkey that had been spliced with an elephant to produce more meat got loose and tied up traffic along the highway. It sat on a truck and crushed its front end. Killing the two passengers.

JASON

So…no.

SAYJAL (VO)

No. Nothing different.

JASON

Goodnight, Sayjal.

SAYJAL (VO)

Goodnight, Jason.

JASON

Lights off.

(Lights go off as Jason exits into his lit bedroom.)

SAYJAL (VO)

She’s not good enough for you.

JASON (off)

What?

SAYJAL (VO)

You deserve better.

(Jason walks back in.)

JASON

Lights on.

(Lights come back on.)

JASON (continuing)

Did you say something, Sayjal?

SAYJAL (VO)

No.

JASON

I thought I heard you say something.

SAYJAL (VO)

Just running my evening diagnostics on the environmental controls. I want you to sleep comfortably.

JASON

Okay. Thanks. Lights off.

(He exits. Sayjal audibly sighs. Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 304 - "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"

“Not All Dogs Go To Heaven”

Written by Joe Janes

11/18/09

304 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 40s

Cassandra, 12

Maria, 40s

(Lights up on Floyd doing dishes far stage left. Cassandra walks in.)

CASSANDRA

Dad?

FLOYD

Yes, Cassie?

CASSANDRA

Do you think Milton is in heaven?

FLOYD

Sure. I’m sure he’s up there right now chasing butterflies.

CASSANDRA

Is he allowed to eat the butterflies like he did in our backyard?

FLOYD

Oh, um, probably not. He’s probably allowed to chase them, but not eat them. They have rules in heaven. Like on earth.

CASSANDRA

If he killed butterflies here on earth, shouldn’t he be in hell?

FLOYD

Um, no. I don’t think so. I mean, we all kill bugs now and again, right. Like mosquitoes. I think it’s okay here.

CASSANDRA

They probably don’t have mosquitoes in heaven.

FLOYD

Probably not. Not with all their blood sucking. That’s why butterflies get in. No blood sucking. And they’re pretty. Like you.

CASSANDRA

Thanks, Dad. I feel better about Milton.

FLOYD

Good. Give me a kiss and go tell your mom “Dancing With The Stars” is on in twenty minutes.

(She does and exits over to far stage right where Maria sits in her easy chair reading the newspaper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom, Dad says “Dancing With The Stars” will be on in twenty minutes.

MARIA

Just enough time for me to finish reading the paper and head to the… library.

CASSANDRA

Mom, do you think Milton’s in heaven?

MARIA

No.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

There’s no such thing as heaven. Just a figment of someone’s imagination. Made up so people don’t realize their life is crap and they’re too stupid to make it better. They bank on having a chance after they die.

CASSANDRA

What happens when we die?

MARIA

Nothing. Lights out. That’s it.

CASSANDRA

It will be like sitting alone in my bedroom in the dark.

MARIA

No, Cassandra, then you’d still exist. When you die, you stop existing. It’s like shutting off the TV or when your dad has too many margaritas. Your body, your mind, it all just shuts down.

CASSANDRA

That makes sense, but it’s fun to believe Milton’s in heaven chasing butterflies.

MARIA

Sure it is. But he’s not. He’s just a bunch of decaying flesh and bones in the backyard. Hey, tell your dad not to mess with the DVR when he’s watching “Dancing With The Stars.”

(Cassandra exits over to Floyd, who is now taking a cake out of the oven.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, mom says not to mess with the DVR when you watch “Dancing With The Stars.”

FLOYD

I never do. I don’t know why she thinks I do. I don’t even know how to use that thing.

CASSANDRA

Mom also says there is no heaven and when we die, that’s it. Nothing.

FLOYD

Well, some people believe that. Others don’t. It’s whatever you choose to believe.

CASSANDRA

Does believing make it real?

FLOYD

Well, you have to have faith. Like it says in the Bible. I choose to believe there’s a heaven and when we die, we’ll all be happy living there with Jesus.

CASSANDRA

Chasing butterflies?

FLOYD

Yes. Chasing butterflies with Jesus. And Milton. He’ll be there waiting for us.

CASSANDRA

Cool. What about mom? If she doesn’t believe in heaven, is she going to hell?

FLOYD

Sadly, yes. Tell your mom that if she goes to the “library” she needs to be back by ten o’clock or she sleeps on the couch.

(Cassandra exits and heads over to her mother who is still reading the paper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom says to be home by ten or sleep on the couch.

MARIA

I love that couch.

CASSANDRA

And she says you’re going to hell.

MARIA

Can’t.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

I don’t believe in hell.

CASSANDRA

If you believed in it, would you go?

MARIA

Nope. It doesn’t exist. Can’t go somewhere if it doesn’t exist. No matter how much you believe in it. (She puts her paper down.) Here’s the thing, Cassandra. Don’t worry about what happens to you after you die. Worry about what happens to you here, now, while you’re alive. That’s the only thing you can do anything about. You know the difference between right and wrong?

CASSANDRA

When Milton brought you the paper, that was right. When he pooped on the rug, that was wrong.

MARIA

You get the idea. All you can do is try to get through life doing as many right things as possible. And if you do something wrong, don’t tell anyone.

(Maria grabs Cassandra’s hand and heads to the kitchen where Floyd is frosting a cake.)

MARIA (continuing)

Hey, Floyd. I’m going to the “library.” The TV is all yours. That cake for the church bake sale looks good.

FLOYD (kissing Maria on the cheek)

Thanks, Maria. It’s a butterfly in honor of Milton. Have fun studying.

(Maria exits. Floyd resumes frosting.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, if there is a hell, is there anything we can do to keep Mom from going there?

FLOYD

We can pray for her.

CASSANDRA

Will that help?

FLOYD

I don’t think it ever helps. But it will make us feel better. And, really, if you think about it, is it such a bad thing if your mother spends eternity in hell while we’re in heaven? More TV for us!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Floyd smacks Cassandra hard on the forehead.)

CASSANDRA

Dad!

FLOYD

Mosquito.

CASSANDRA

Go to hell, mosquito!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Blackout.)